|Legitimately the first person in the history of people to look good with a little neck beard.|
Last week, Us Weekly reported that Emily Maynard was caught sexting with Oakland Raiders quarterback, Matt Leinart. The rumors turned out to be false (or at least denied), but the most fascinating part of the story is that MATT LEINART IS ON THE RAIDERS?!? That means when Carson Palmer gets benched (and he'll obviously get benched, he's Carson Palmer!) that Matt Leinart is going to have to play football!!! ... for an actual team!!! ... in the NFL!!!
This is exciting -- and information that everyone should know -- so let's take a look at some other stuff that you need to know before watching NFL football tomorrow night:
THE NFL STARTS TONIGHT ... AS IN, WEDNESDAY ... YES, WEDNESDAY!
HOLY SMOKES THIS IS AMAZING I'M DEFINITELY ORDERING A PIZZA DON'T TELL MY WIFE -- WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BUT I'M OBVIOUSLY GETTING A PIZZA I SHOULD PROBABLY GET TWO PIZZAS YEAH I'M GETTING TWO PIZZAS CAN SOMEONE PLEASE LEND ME THIRTY DOLLARS PLEASE AND THANK YOU LET'S MAKE IT FORTY JUST TO BE SAFE THANKS AGAIN NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY
I'm not thrilled that the NFL's opening night is going up against my new favorite show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it's still a great way to break up the work week. Much better than my normal hump-day routine of slitting my wrists and spending the rest of the week in intensive care. For the record, my wife does NOT like suicide humor and I do NOT like being alive.
If you haven't seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, you must. It's a spinoff of Toddlers and Tiaras that features a 6-year-old girl named, you guessed it, Honey Boobs, and her ridiculous family: "Mama", her 300 pound mother who has Forklift Foot (her foot got run over by a forklift), three or four sisters who all have amazing nicknames like "Chubbs" and "Tubbs" and "Porcupine Tits" and her father who doesn't ever talk ... his name is Sugar Bear. What is this blogpost about again?
VICTOR CRUZ IS THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR CHUNKY SOUP ... I'M NOT KIDDING ... I WONDER IF HE USES A LITTLE BITTY SPOON FOR HIS SOUP HE'S SO LITTLE!
This is nice for Victor -- a guy who worked his way up to NFL stardom through hard work, perseverance and staying away from foods that are ridiculously high in sodium like Chunky Soup. Even though he's on the Giants, I kinda like him, but I still hope he breaks his leg tomorrow because I have Hakeem Nicks on my fantasy team and I think soup is VERY overrated.
I actually like soup, but it's just such a pain in the ass to eat. You have to bend over and balance stuff on your spoon and that's no way to live. I don't want to be bending and balancing while I'm eating. I wanna be sexting!
|He is using a little bitty spoony!|
THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT THE ST. LOUIS RAMS IS STILL THE FACT THAT KURT WARNER MARRIED THAT LADY
Even worse is that I kind of find Kurt Warner's wife to be somewhat attractive. I know, I'm not happy about it either. How does she not have a reality show?
It must be really sad to be a Rams fan, because they have zero good football players. I guess Howie Long's son is okay, but he's Howie Long's son.
|Admit it, her nails actually look kinda hot.|
PEYTON MANNING AND RANDY MOSS ARE BACK, BABY! ... BUT DONOVAN MCNABBERS IS NOT AND THAT MAKES ME SAD
People are a bit unsure about how these guys are going to do in their NFL returns, but I think it's pretty clear that Peyton is going to be dope (because Peyton's always dope) and Randy Moss is going to be turrible (because his quarterback throws a football about as well as Matt Leinart). If you're one of the all-time greatest receivers and you're attempting a comeback, WHY would you sign for a team that has Alex Smith as the QB? And if you're Donovan McNabb, do you have just boxes and boxes of Chunky Soup stored in your basement? And if you're Kurt Warner, do you keep a shotgun in your basement just in case you want to blow off your testicles?
APPARENTLY ONE OF TIM TEEBS'S TEAMMATES TRIED TO SET HIM UP WITH LOLO JONES THIS SUMMER ... TALK ABOUT DOUBLE VIRGIN ACTION!
The story went like this: Lolo (who is a very religious virgin) invited Tim Teebs on a church date (which apparently is a thing), but Teebs denied her because he has a secret girlfriend (who possibly lives in the Niagara Falls region?). That's really all you need to know. You honestly don't even have to know that. I'm not sure what the purpose of this NFL preview is.
THERE ARE PICTURES OF RYAN TANNEHILL'S WIFE ALL OVER THE INTERNET ... BUT YOU PROBABLY KNEW THAT ALREADY
If you haven't been watching Hard Knocks, then you've been living a goddamn lie. It's by far the best show on television.
Over the past year, I've probably anointed 37 different programs "the best show on television." They are, in no particular order: Wipeout (probably legitimately the best), Breaking Bad (just started watching it and it's so, so, so bonkers), Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (I can't get enough of Sugar Bear), Game of Frones (the ultimate bonkers!) the Premier League Review Show (Gervinho might have worse hair than RG3) and Antiques Roadshow (TVMWW blogpost to come soon).
HBO has shown us Chad Johnson getting cut, Vontae Davis hearing he was traded ("I need to call my Grandma"), some white guy crying like a little biznitch and numerous clips of Ryan Tannehill's wife without shoes on. Enough of this reading crap, let's look at some pics, shall we?
|Now that's a high-waisted short.|
|Have you ever seen a smoother knee coupled with a dumber pair of sunglasses?|
|Would probably be the worst spokesperson for Chunky Soup.|
|That's not even a football pose!|
EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOW A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE, RG3 STILL HAS AN ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE HAIRCUT ... AND THAT'S COMING FROM A GUY WITH A MAJOR RECEDING HAIRLINE
And here's the thing: I like RG3! He seems like a nice guy, I was really happy when he won the Heisman, BUT C'MON WITH THE BONE THUGS & HARMONY LOOK, DUDE. Totally unacceptable.
|Bone-bone-bone-bone bone, bone, bone ...|
|Gervinho ... real human being.|
MY SUPER BOWL PICK IS THE EAGLES OVER THE PATRIOTS ... ALTHOUGH I SECRETLY THINK THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE KINDA GONNA BE DECENT
Pretty sure I've picked the Eagles to win the Super Bowl the last 25 seasons -- gotta be right one of these years.
Truly unbelievable that Kroy Biermann was not mentioned in this post.
We both like soup.
For some reason my fish, @FribsJr, is not eating. Please send him your well wishes on Twitter. Orrrrrrrr, look at this guy's fish car. I'm guessing that's what most of you will do.