|I honestly love these people unconditionally.|
At Rosh Hashanah dinner on Sundee night, my 11-year-old cousin, Lizzie, sat down next to me as I shoveled brisket and potatoes into my mouth.
LIZZIE: Hi Edvan.
ME: Ryel Rlizzie.
(Like I said, I had food in my mouth.)
ME: So Lizzie (gulping an enormous amount of kugel down followed by swigging of diet birch beer), do you watch television?
(See, I'm a good conversationalist. I know what women like. I know what they like to talk about. I know how to get the party started. I have people skills.)
ME: You watch the Kardashians?
ME: Downton Abbey?
(What the hell's wrong with this girl? No Kardashians? No Downton Abbs? That's what women watch. That and Friends, Sex and the Cits, House Hunters, Ellen, and any show about women turning into men, buying wedding gowns or having water births ... I know this because I have a preeminent blog about women's television and am very attune to female sensuality.)
ME: Honey Boo Booooo?
Now, I'm going to have a hard time explaining just how excited Lizzie got when I asked her about Honey Boo Boobs. Just know that prior to asking her about Honey Boobs, Lizzie was sitting on her butt, flipping through her iPod Touch, rarely making eye contact while instagramming pictures of her nail polish, matzoh ball soup and my Uncle Ivan sleeping across the table. Now, she had popped up on her knees, sitting straight up as if she was a seal at Sea World about to have a herring dropped into her snout.
Do seals have snouts? What is a snout exactly? Just another name for a nose, right? So even if seals do have snouts (and I'm pretty sure that they do), you wouldn't drop a fish into one of 'em, would ya? So not her "snout," her mouth. Besides, Lizzie's snout is like the smallest snout in the world. It's like a little gummi bear snout. No, I've never tried to bite her snout. She's probably my favourite cousin.
LIZZIE: That show's funnnnyyyyy!
Yeah Lizzie, it's more than funny, that show is brilliant. What other program could unite an 11-year-old seal-girl (who always has lip gloss all over her face and constantly looks like she just ate a candy apple) and a 35-year-old blogmaster (who purposely sat at the kids' table so as not to be grilled by his Aunt Maxine about "how work is going") together better than Honey Boo Boo? Nothing.
So why is this show so great?
Why is it sweeping the nation?
And what are the best Jewish foods ranked 20 to 1?
20. Humentashen (So dry, but so buttery and so amazing.)
19. Apples and Honey
18. Potato Knish (The only thing that burns your mouth more is Elio's Pizza.)
17. Haroset (So underrated! Should be higher on the list.)
16. Pickled herring
15. Schnecken and/or Rugelach (No idea what the difference is.)
14. Fried Matzoh
13. Corned Beef Special (Realllllyyyy low on this list! Wow.)
12. Prakas (Those sweet and sour meatballs in cabbage ... oh, baby.)
11. Matzoh and cream cheese
10. Matzoh and butter
9. Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda
8. Gefilte fish (Boom! #8!)
6. Sweet kugel
5. Pastrami Reuben (Not even sure if this is Jewish, but it's so incredible.)
4. Matzoh Ball Soup (Actually, upon further review, I can't have a soup over a reuben. Or Lox. Or Dr. Brizzown's. I'm knocking M.B.S. down a few pegs. It's soup! And no one ever eats their stewed carrots!)
3. Potato latkes
2. Chopped liver
1. Whitefish salad!
And just to calm everybody down, yes, I forgot about a good ole kosher pickle. Let's pop that in around #17. And in case you're wondering where brisket is, brisket stinks. Not as much as Cel-Ray soda, but it stinks. Get over yourself, brisket.
|Whatever, lady. That soda's disgusting. |
And so's that red-headed lesbian from Sex & The City.
SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH HONEY BOO BOO?
If you haven't seen it ... and you've all seen it, right? Everyone's seen it. Or at least heard of it. Oh, geez, I know my friend Nathan hasn't seen it, and he's a faithful TVMWW reader, so just for you Nate (and any other person that lives on Planet Zorbtron), here's a quick synopsis of the show:
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a spinoff of TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras (and if just hearing that is enough for you to write off the show, just shut up for a second, okay? Just shut up. For like, five seconds. Would it kill you to just shut your mouth for five seconds of your life and listen to a quick synopsis of a show that appeals to both 11-year-old Jewish girls AND 35-year-old Jewish dudes with extremely hairy testicles?), following around 5-year-old chubbster, Alana aka Honey Boo Boo, and her backwards-living Arkansas family, the SomethingOrOthers.
The SomethingOrOthers are amazing. They live in a house with sooooo many reclining chairs, and spend their days going to water parks, shopping at convenience stores without shoes on, and hanging out with their pet pig, Glitzy. Even though they speak english, the show is subtitled to let you understand what the hell these country-folk are talking about. Did I mention they have a pet pig? I also forgot about Jewish apple cake. That's probably #16.
The show's title suggests it's about Honey Boo Boo, but the family really centers around Mama, the family's matriarch who sort of looks like Jabba the Hut, but is so charismatic and hilarious that I sort of feel bad about comparing her to Jabba the Hut. That being said, she sort of looks exactly like Jabba the Hut. I wouldn't call Mama the best mama, but there's no denying that she cares about her family to the n'th degree and creates a family dynamic centered around having fun (as opposed to yelling and serving mediocre brisket like my family).
The rest of the fam shakes down like this: there's three teenage girls, Pumpkin, Chubbs and Potato Tits (clearly I don't know the last one's nickname, but trust me, it very well could be Potato Tits). One of them is pregnant, and the other two could soon be. Then there's the father, Sugar Bear. During the first few episodes I watched, Sugar Bear did not say a word, looking more like a beaten down man whose crazy family had destroyed him (see: Ivan, Uncle (above)), but in reality he's a fun-loving sweetheart who may or may not have an IQ above 16.
|Livin' the dream.|
The bottom line is ... I just noticed that I started the last four paragraphs with the word "The." You're not supposed to do that, right? You know what? Doesn't matter. This is my blorg and I'll start paragraphs however I wanna start 'em. Watch, I'm gonna start this paragraph over.
Va borttom line is ... even though the SomethingOrOthers are crude and sometimes downright disgusting, they're incredibly entertaining -- and not in a trainwreck kinda way -- in the kinda way that makes you envious of the time they spend together. Honey Boo Boo has taken a lot of heat from critics saying that it's just another reality show promoting teen pregnancy, obesity and exploiting children, but families can learn a lot from Arkansas's finest. They don't go off into their own rooms the second they get home to play with their iPod Touches. They don't have 17 different televisions in 13 different rooms. They don't sit at the dinner table instagramming pictures of their new manicures ... they hang out, enjoy each other's company and occasionally get head-lice.
With the exception of talking to my cousin Lizzie on Sundee night, I spent my entire Rosh Hashanah watching the 49ers and the Lions with my cousins. Most of the time, we all sat around fiddling with our phones, while my father took pictures of a chair. In the other room, the women gossiped about SoInSo who has gained 25 pounds in the last month.
That being said, my Mom's Key Lime Pie was rilly, rilly good.
And SoInSo really has let herself go.
25 pounds in a month?!?!
Enough with the pastrami reubens, lady!
Happy new year?
Evster's note: just realized I think these folks are from Georgia. Whoops?
Tonight, I'm going to see the Eric Andre Show with Hannibal Burress. If you haven't heard of Eric Andre, watch this. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this delicious reuben that my "friend" Philly Phoodie recently ate.