Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bach Pad: Responding to Readers Who Yelled at Me for Not Watching

Be honest: are you tilting your neck to try and look up her skirt?

On the right hand side of my blorg -- just under the poll that no one ever seems to vote in -- there's a "Contact Me" section with links to TVMWW's Gmail, Facebork and Twitter.

It's essentially up there for three main reasons.

1. Just in case the creative director from the Onion, Grantland or Penthouse Forum wants to offer me a writing gig. (Going left to right, I'm ranking them 3, 2, 1, obviously.)

2. Just in case any women who are frustrated with their husbands for not watching Long Island Medium with them want to send me pictures of themselves sitting cross-legged and/or barefoot while riding a camel.

3. Just in case my wife can't get a hold of me at my 26 other email addresses. (Although really the best way for her to reach me would be to create a fake email account and send me pictures of a woman riding a camel barefoot, thus tricking me into writing her back.)

Not baaaad. 

Why's that one guy smiling?!

Unfortunately, the only reason people ever really reach out to me is to complain.

"Why aren't you writing about The Voice?" ... "Stop writing in all caps!" ... "Can you please stop spreading baby powder all over our dining room floor? We're having the Hartleys over on Saturday and there's seriously baby powder everywhere. It's on the wine rack. This morning I had to clean it off the wine rack. Why are you even powdering yourself in the dining room? It's because there's a nice breeze in there, isn't it? By the way, you have way too many email addresses. Are you ever going to get rid of hotmail? And please send me one of your Penthouse Forum drafts. I'm feeling a little randy today. The one about the guy and the girl riding camels in the desert, and the one camel dies so they have to share a camel. And can you make the guy black? Thx!"

By the way, TVMWW is FREE entertainment. FREE. No charge, nothing asked of you ... so would it be too much for some of you women who read this blog to send me just ONE little picture of yourself sitting cross-legged and/or barefoot?!?! That's not a lot to ask, especially in 2012. Ladies, you know you already have these pictures stored somewhere on your cellphone. And I don't even need the camel. I DON'T EVEN NEED THE CAMEL!

And it’s clear that some of my readers would DEFINITELY do this … I’m looking at you American Bridget Jones!

Anywang, in the past few weeks, many (3) TVMWW readers have written in to complain about the fact that I did not write about Bachelor Pad -- which apparently was bing-bang-bonkers this season. So seeing as I am a man of the people and like to give my readers what they want (I'm not. In fact, I don’t care about you guys at all. I write this blog for one reason and one reason only and that’s to make millions of dollars. So far I’ve made zero. It’s very, very upsetting) I will now take a stab at responding to your complaints by writing about a show that I didn't even watch.

From: @SaraCircle

Wait, first of all, who is @SaraCircle?

Great question. Sara Circs is some lady in California who won the second annual (not annual) TVMWW T-shirt giveaway. I never actually made her a T-shirt, but I did send Sara an autographed picture of Pat Sajak signed by me. She was a bit hesitant to give me her home mailing address, not because I might murder her (and I might), but because she wasn't quite sure how to explain to her husband that some pervert in Philadelphia was sending her homemade clothing.

Anybody else hate sitting on bar stools?

Sara's email:

I cannot believe you don't watch this. What is WRONG with youuuuu?"

Look, there were many reasons why I did not watch Bachelor Pad this season. 

- I refuse to watch this show until it’s picked up by Showtime and they start showing full bush. It's truly unacceptable that Bach Pad is not shown in full bush.

- I have no control over my life. None. I'm married. And my wife chose not to watch Bachelor Pad this year and I support her decision because I like sleeping in a home that has a roof.

- For a franchise that has essentially coined the phrase "there for the right reasons," no one goes on this show for the right reasons. Zero. Literally, no one. It is filled with people who go on the show for fame, money and to try and have sex with a woman who looks like a camel. 


- We needed a goddamn break! Watching the Bach/Bachelorette is EXHAUSTING. It's a mental grind. And after Emily picked Je, it was like being knocked out of the NBA Finals in a brutal seven-game series. Mario Chalmers stepped up big and we literally had no answer for him. Maybe we'll get in the gym during the offseason and work on our lateral quickness, but as soon as the Bach ended, we needed to fly away to Norland to eat some goddamn scrimps. We just couldn't handle two more months of mayhem. Also, that one lady who looks like a camel was just too much. She was too much!

- There was no way that I was going to be able to take even ten minutes of watching that little Michael fella. Last year he had his heart stomped on over and over by that lady who was giving handjobs to dudes in the next room while he was writing her love poems. I wanted him to kill himself. I really did. I was totally ready to watch a man commit suicide on national television. I also wouldn't mind seeing Alex Henery kill himself. That guy stinks!

What do you even call that haircut?
The Charleston?

Next complaint!

From: Katie Nears

Who is Katie Nears? Katie Nears is some nurse lady who works with my friend Emily at a hospital in Center City Philadelphia. According to Em, “Katie has really big boobs,” which is nice for her. As far as I can tell (and I spent at least a good three hours perusing her Facebook photo albums), Katie has zero pictures of her bare feet (or her full bush) online.

"OH MY LAWD can you PLEAZEEE update on the past 1 or 2 Bach Pads? Specifically talk about how cruel it is that ABC forced us to look at Jaclyn's stupid face for SO MANY FREAKING EPISODESSSS, ughhhhhhh if I have to see her f'ing stink face cry ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO THROW UP ALL OVER MY COMPUTER! Also talk a little about Ed's girly shorts, pretty-please. These are just my pref's, though. Gotta go to bed now because I'm leaving for Idaho in like 5 hours, otherwise the list would go onnnn and onnnn............. I would update or something but it would be like a zillion times funnier from a TVMWW blog."

It sure is a good thing that Katie Nears has big boobs, because I don’t know any other way she could get a man to pay attention to her. THAT BEING SAID, SHE BRINGS UP SOME VERY VALID POINTS. Ed’s shorts are absolutely ridicurous and I even blorgged about them way back in 2011. Jaclyn (who is obviously the aforementioned camel-faced-lady!) also happens to be Jewish WHICH IS VERY UPSETTING TO ME. But who cares about that? How about the fact that Katie Neers was on her way to IDAHO???

Look, I like Idaho. I’m sure it’s a very lovely place with very lovely people (both big-titted and small), but I’ve never heard of anyone ever going there! 

Not even Antiques Roadshow!

Is Tank Top Tony going double-tank here?!?!

Another tanker! 

And another tanker!

From: BarkLev

Who is BarkLev? Barks is this dude I work with who has around 47 different eating disorders. He drinks approximately three cans of Muscle Milk every day, refuses to eat bread and mayonnaise, yet if someone is looking for the best Italian hoagie in town, he offers up around 13 "guaranteed" suggestions. He also once flexed his biceps for me and said, out loud, “C’mon, dude. You gotta give me some credit for this. C’mon.”

"You're missing amazing TV. Tony just proposed to Blakely. She said yes."

Now this … this was probably worth watching.

Tank Top Tony was one of the all-time clammiest characters in Bach history and talks soooooo slowwwwwly that I honestly think he might be retarded. I don’t even think you can still call people retarded, but I’m pretty sure that Tony’s retarded.

And now he’s forever going to be united with Blakely?!?! Incredible. I truly truly truly hope they’re happy together – kinda like James Spader and Maggie Gyls from that movie Secretary (NSFW!) where he spends the whole movie spanking her like a camel. Some people are so disturbed or so lost or so retarded that they’re just meant to be with each other. And I genuinely think that Blakely and Tank Top Tones will have a very healthy and wonderful and disgusting sex life. If I drank (cum), I’d toast a glass to the lovely couple.

How 'bout those tankers!

As far as that guy Nick weaseling his way into all the money ... 

If you didn't hear, at the end of Bach Pad the winning couple had a choice to keep all the money for themselves or share it with their partner. If both the guy and the girl picked "SHARE," then they woulda split the money fifty-fift. If they both said "KEEP," neither of them got jack. If one said "KEEP" and the other "SHARE", the person who said "KEEP" got it allllll, and the person who said "SHARE" would freak out like a crazy person ... and that's what happened. The guy who won said that his partner-lady was far from a "partner" and that she didn't deserve isht. So he kept the 250 Gs for himself. I have never in my life before this moment used the term "250 Gs." Never said it or wrote it. It was kinda fun. 

By the way, I didn't actually see any of this, I just heard it from BarkLev at the water cooler on Tuesdee morning while he shoveled down a protein shake and around 20 almonds (with the skin peeled off). 

Frankly, I support Nick the Dick and am proud of him for chasing that paper. 

Just live ya life! 

Hey ayyyyy, hey ayyyyy, hey ayyyyyy. 

You steady chasin' that pay-pahhhhh.

If you wanna complain about stuff and have your emails included in an upcoming TV I'm Whale Watching blogpost, hit me up here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at all these goats!


  1. If you're a woman out there thinking about sending in a picture, I'd think twice.

    1. She's mostly bark, not bite, folks!

      Although I wouldn't be surprised if she shanked a bitch.


  2. No pics of my legs crossed bud. Sorry man - cause I haven't shaved my legs in like 7 days.

  3. Never mind that you totally misrep'd my email to you. You left out all the clever, convincing parts and wrote a line that made me look dumb and now none of your readers will ever respect me. NEVER MIND ANY OF THAT.

    What I learned from this post: like me, your readers take on your style of writing when writing to you. Sickening.

    I'm taking down my framed autographed (by TVMWW, not Pat Sajak, people) Pat Sajak photo from behind my powder room toilet.


      Yes, I took some creative liberties with your email, but it was for the good of the blorg.


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