Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Kat Dennings aka The Milkmaid Supreme

Max? Her character's name is Max? As in Maxine?
That's my aunt's name. [face palm]


Before last Sundee's Boob Convention, I was definitely aware of Kat Dennings. I'd seen her in 40 Year-Old Virj, I thought she was on Big Love (she wasn't) and I had a general idea that she was a person. Now, after spending the last half-hour doing some internet sniffing, I know pretty much everything about her. I've done more research on Kat (30 mins worth!) than I've done on anything ever for TV Me Weef Wooches -- so get ready for some bigtime insider knowledge. First piece of bigtime insider knowledge: Acme currently has a sale on cantaloupes. They're 88 cents a pound. They're really nice cantaloupes, too. Some of the cantaloupes are filled with milk. Antelope milk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have to read this.

Kat is Jewish -- so that's something -- but who cares, right? Let's talk more about her cantaloupes! NO! I've talked enough about her cantaloupes! Let's talk about antelopes! who she is AS A PERSON ... where she's from, who she's dating ...  and then we can talk about antelopes!

Oh, let's just talk about antelopes now!

Did you know that an antelope can weigh up to 450lbs??? That's not true. That's not even close to true. Let's get back to Kat.

Turns out, Kat was born and raised in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvaniorb, a ritzy suburb of Philadelphia. The town is best known for being the home of the uber-liberal Bryn Mawr College -- an all-female school where every other chick looks exactly like Tony Danza. Here's a picture of a Bryn Mawr student:




Don't get me wrong, looks like a nice day to throw a frisbee around -- and who knows, maybe this girl really likes frisbee -- but a wrist brace? C'mon, Tony Danza Jr. And why is she holding another frisbee in her right hand? Is she having a toss with like nine other co-eds? I hope she's chucking these frisbees to one of those dogs who jumps off peoples' backs and stuff. How amazing are those dogs??? But I imagine she's just tossing them to another girl who has no idea how to condition her hair. And what's up with that little kid in all-black behind her? Is he trying to french kiss his grandfather?




Here's some more ladies who went to Bryn Mawr. Forget about the fact that this is probably the most homely-looking group of women to ever be assembled ... did the cameraman even bother to tell them that they were being photographed???

Half of these ladies are looking off in la-la land, some are facing the completely wrong direction and others are pretending to read books. One (first row all the way on the left) is actually IMMERSED in her novel. She's not just pretending to read, like, "Okay ladies, I want some of you to act like you're studying," no, she's actually LOCKED IN to Dostoevsky. There's a very good chance that if you went to that building right now -- 80 years after this picture was taken -- you'd find that lady's corpse with a copy of Crime and Punishment on her lap.

If you can't see that isht, you can click on the pic for a bigger image.



Back to Kat! No idea why I just spent two paragraphs talking about women who are getting their Masters in Social Work. Unfortunately, when you google Kat Dennings at work, pretty much every picture of her is slutted up to the max. I guess that's actually a great thing, but I work in a cubicle and for the last hour I've been sitting up with my shoulders raised trying to block my computer monitor from my co-workers and now I'm pretty sure that I have scoliosis.

That being said, this is a pretty sultry pic even though Kat's just showing off a litttttttle bit of that red bra ... which is really all we guys need. God, we are such suckers. All girls have to do to turn us on is show off a hint of bra strap, a panty tag, a wrist watch tan, an ankle, a hair flip, post-it notes with little flowers on 'em, a piece of chicken that hasn't been eaten, a spread eagle shaved beave, a mountain dew bottle sticking out of their buttcrack, a can of mandarin oranges, an antelope eating a Ritz cracker, anything ... and we're done.


Kat got her big break on an episode of Sex and the Cits where she played a snotty teenager. I don't know who that girl is next to her, but I imagine she went on to an illustrious career in the mandarin orange porn business.

Once again, no idea what I'm talking about.



88 cents a pound!



How's that even ... ???

How is it possible that ... ???

How can they just ... ???


We've got a sidewinder!


Kat is now dating this guy. He's wearing a scarf. So is she. I guess that's nice for them.

Kat and Scarf Guy work together on the same TV show, Two Broke Girls. I can't stand it when actors say they "work" on stuff. Like at awards shows when they're like, "Ohhhh, I'm Jane Fonda, look at me. It was such a pleasure to work with Robert Dorbingstorm. He's such a brilliant director. Cantaloupes are 79 cents a pound at Shop Rite." GET OVER YOURSELF, FONDA. SHOP RITE'S PRODUCE PALES IN COMPARISON TO ACME'S. PLUS I'M MORE OF A HONEYDEW MAN ANYWAY.




I don't know if that's Scarf Guy's dog or Kat's dog -- but that guy has a dog hanging around his neck. And I'm not here to rip on Scarf Guy! Let me make that abundantly clear! He might be a very nice guy! And I fully fully fully support this couple wearing sweatpants in public. But those are straight-up sweatpants -- and normally when a guy wears straight-up sweatpants you can totally see his dork through his pants, so I'm guessing this guy has a small dork. Also, he's carrying a dog around his neck.




That guy from Sex and the City who knocked up the red-headed lesbian was such a goober! Why would they cast that guy?! Did you see that episode when he tried to make a half-court shot at the Knicks game? It was like he had never held a basketball before! I've never seen a woman bite her thumb with more intensity than Kat! Sometimes when I get fruit salad I don't even touch the cantaloupes! I love a good kiwi though!




This is what actual women from Philadelphia look like.




Stop staring at me, antaloupe!





I don't know what's happening to this blorg. Each post is filled with more and more dogisht. I don't even think Acme has good produce, why would I say they have good produce? Here's a picture of a cat eating some melon


Monday, September 24, 2012

The 64th Annual Boob Convention

Thanks for coming to the convention ladies,
you can pick up your boob-tags right over there!

Last night in Los Angeles, they held the 64th annual Boob Convention.

Television's brightest and biggest boobs came out for a boob-studded affair full of boobs and other boobs. And of course, your favourite blog, Boobs My Wife's Husband Watches is here to boob about it.

Also, it should be made clear that just because you write a blog about boobs, that does not make you a boob expert ... but having an ENORMOUS PENIS certainly helps.

Let's get right to the first award of the evening:

Softest, Roundest, Nicest Boobs in a Comedy
(or show attempting to be a Comedy)

And the nominees are:

Sofia Vergara - Modern Boobs
Zooey Deschanel - The New Boob
Kat Dennings - Two Broke Boobs (actually, Four Broke Boobs)

Sofia Vergera is the obvious front-runner in the group, but frankly I'm a little sick of her whole "Hey, look at me, I never show anyone my nips" routine. I mean, we get it -- you're latino, you have boobs, you play shortstop -- it's cute, but a career .248 batting average with runners in boob position? C'mon Sofia.  Zooey Desch has surprisingly soft, smooth boobs (or "smooboobs") for a white person. I'd be very interested to find out what kind of boob softener she uses. I'd also be interested in knowing how I can see more of her. What channel is her show on? No one's gonna bother answering that question, I don't know why I asked. Kat Dennings gets extra points for her milky boobs (they're so milky!). There's no reason for her and her roommate to be broke. They could earn plenty of money the old fashioned way ... sell milk!

In all seriousness, selling your boobmilk really is more old fashioned that offering up your va-jang-jang for money. Ask any amish milkslut, she'll tell you.

And the winner issssssssssssss: Kat The Milklady Milklady!

Congratulations!


Not my steez, but I appreciate the effort!

Best Boobs in a Drama 
(or any type of show where they might show full boob)

And the nominees are:

Dragon Lady - Game of Frones
Claire Danes - Homeboob
Christina Hendricks - Mad Membds

If there were a boob lineup and I had to pick out what boob committed a crime, Dragon Lady's boobs are the only ones I could 100% positively identify because she's the only one whose areolas I've actually seen. (Quick tip for anyone who needs to pick a boob out of a lineup: looking at boobs isn't going to help -- you need to sniff the boobs. You're welcome.) Claire Danes's boobs need to calm down. I don't care how many boobs you have (rumours are flying around Hollywood that Claire has seven boobs), there's nothing less attractive than a woman who takes herself too seriously ... except for a woman who has 47 boobs ... that's too many boobs! It's honestly silly that anyone else is even in this category with Christina Hends. I'm sorry for wasting your time. 

And the winner is Christina Hends and her beautiful, exploding boobs.

I'm not yoking right now, look at her head.
Now look at her boobs. 

Now look back at her head.
HER BOOBS ARE BIGGER!

 AND IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HAS A SMALL HEAD. 
SHE HAS A VERY NORMAL SIZED HEAD.

Best Boobs in a TV Movie or Mini-Series
(aka Boobs that no one actually saw, but the people who made these boobs were very proud of their boobs)

And the nominees are:

Christina Hendricks - Hill Street Boobs, the mini-series
Christina Hendricks - V for Vagina not Boobs
Christina Hendricks - Alex Haley's Boobs

Gotta give it to the producers of Hill Street Boobs for putting Xtina into a police uniform and having her fight crime with her boobs. Lots of good, hard-hitting boob action and good-boob/bad-boob dialogue. I give it two boobs up, Boober! That being said, Christina really showed her versatility in V for Vagina not Boobs, playing a lady with alien boobs (she wasn't an alien, she was a human -- but she had alien boobs, much harder role to play). And then there was Alex Haley's Boobs, which allowed us to see Christina with black, sweaty, dirty boobs (my preferred type of boobs).

And the winner isssssssssssssssssssssss:

She's still my favourite!
How have I never seen Glitter?!?!







That might have been the dumbest post I've ever put on this blog. I honestly feel bad. To make it up to you, here's a link to something that's actually funny.




Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Now This, This is a Good Show

I honestly love these people unconditionally. 

At Rosh Hashanah dinner on Sundee night, my 11-year-old cousin, Lizzie, sat down next to me as I shoveled brisket and potatoes into my mouth.

LIZZIE:  Hi Edvan.

ME:  Ryel Rlizzie.

(Like I said, I had food in my mouth.)

ME:  So Lizzie (gulping an enormous amount of kugel down followed by swigging of diet birch beer), do you watch television?

LIZZIE:  Yeahhhhh.

(See, I'm a good conversationalist. I know what women like. I know what they like to talk about. I know how to get the party started. I have people skills.)

ME:  You watch the Kardashians?

LIZZIE:  No.

ME:  Downton Abbey?

LIZZIE:  Noooo.

(What the hell's wrong with this girl? No Kardashians? No Downton Abbs? That's what women watch. That and Friends, Sex and the Cits, House Hunters, Ellen, and any show about women turning into men, buying wedding gowns or having water births ... I know this because I have a preeminent blog about women's television and am very attune to female sensuality.)

ME:  Honey Boo Booooo?

LIZZIE:  YAHHHHH!!

Now, I'm going to have a hard time explaining just how excited Lizzie got when I asked her about Honey Boo Boobs. Just know that prior to asking her about Honey Boobs, Lizzie was sitting on her butt, flipping through her iPod Touch, rarely making eye contact while instagramming pictures of her nail polish, matzoh ball soup and my Uncle Ivan sleeping across the table. Now, she had popped up on her knees, sitting straight up as if she was a seal at Sea World about to have a herring dropped into her snout.

Do seals have snouts? What is a snout exactly? Just another name for a nose, right? So even if seals do have snouts (and I'm pretty sure that they do), you wouldn't drop a fish into one of 'em, would ya? So not her "snout," her mouth. Besides, Lizzie's snout is like the smallest snout in the world. It's like a little gummi bear snout. No, I've never tried to bite her snout. She's probably my favourite cousin.

LIZZIE:  That show's funnnnyyyyy!

Yeah Lizzie, it's more than funny, that show is brilliant. What other program could unite an 11-year-old seal-girl (who always has lip gloss all over her face and constantly looks like she just ate a candy apple) and a 35-year-old blogmaster (who purposely sat at the kids' table so as not to be grilled by his Aunt Maxine about "how work is going") together better than Honey Boo Boo? Nothing.

So why is this show so great?

Why is it sweeping the nation?

And what are the best Jewish foods ranked 20 to 1?

20. Humentashen (So dry, but so buttery and so amazing.)
19. Apples and Honey
18. Potato Knish (The only thing that burns your mouth more is Elio's Pizza.)
17. Haroset (So underrated! Should be higher on the list.)
16. Pickled herring
15. Schnecken and/or Rugelach (No idea what the difference is.)
14. Fried Matzoh
13. Corned Beef Special (Realllllyyyy low on this list! Wow.)
12. Prakas (Those sweet and sour meatballs in cabbage ... oh, baby.)
11. Matzoh and cream cheese
10. Matzoh and butter
9. Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda
8. Gefilte fish (Boom! #8!)
7. Lox
6. Sweet kugel
5. Pastrami Reuben (Not even sure if this is Jewish, but it's so incredible.)
4. Matzoh Ball Soup (Actually, upon further review, I can't have a soup over a reuben. Or Lox. Or Dr. Brizzown's. I'm knocking M.B.S. down a few pegs. It's soup! And no one ever eats their stewed carrots!)
3. Potato latkes
2. Chopped liver
1. Whitefish salad!

And just to calm everybody down, yes, I forgot about a good ole kosher pickle. Let's pop that in around #17. And in case you're wondering where brisket is, brisket stinks. Not as much as Cel-Ray soda, but it stinks. Get over yourself, brisket.


Whatever, lady. That soda's disgusting. 
And so's that red-headed lesbian from Sex & The City.

SO WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH HONEY BOO BOO?

If you haven't seen it ... and you've all seen it, right? Everyone's seen it. Or at least heard of it. Oh, geez, I know my friend Nathan hasn't seen it, and he's a faithful TVMWW reader, so just for you Nate (and any other person that lives on Planet Zorbtron), here's a quick synopsis of the show:

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a spinoff of TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras (and if just hearing that is enough for you to write off the show, just shut up for a second, okay? Just shut up. For like, five seconds. Would it kill you to just shut your mouth for five seconds of your life and listen to a quick synopsis of a show that appeals to both 11-year-old Jewish girls AND 35-year-old Jewish dudes with extremely hairy testicles?), following around 5-year-old chubbster, Alana aka Honey Boo Boo, and her backwards-living Arkansas family, the SomethingOrOthers.

The SomethingOrOthers are amazing. They live in a house with sooooo many reclining chairs, and spend their days going to water parks, shopping at convenience stores without shoes on, and hanging out with their pet pig, Glitzy. Even though they speak english, the show is subtitled to let you understand what the hell these country-folk are talking about. Did I mention they have a pet pig? I also forgot about Jewish apple cake. That's probably #16.

The show's title suggests it's about Honey Boo Boo, but the family really centers around Mama, the family's matriarch who sort of looks like Jabba the Hut, but is so charismatic and hilarious that I sort of feel bad about comparing her to Jabba the Hut. That being said, she sort of looks exactly like Jabba the Hut. I wouldn't call Mama the best mama, but there's no denying that she cares about her family to the n'th degree and creates a family dynamic centered around having fun (as opposed to yelling and serving mediocre brisket like my family).

The rest of the fam shakes down like this: there's three teenage girls, Pumpkin, Chubbs and Potato Tits (clearly I don't know the last one's nickname, but trust me, it very well could be Potato Tits). One of them is pregnant, and the other two could soon be. Then there's the father, Sugar Bear. During the first few episodes I watched, Sugar Bear did not say a word, looking more like a beaten down man whose crazy family had destroyed him (see: Ivan, Uncle (above)), but in reality he's a fun-loving sweetheart who may or may not have an IQ above 16.

Livin' the dream.

The bottom line is ... I just noticed that I started the last four paragraphs with the word "The." You're not supposed to do that, right? You know what? Doesn't matter. This is my blorg and I'll start paragraphs however I wanna start 'em. Watch, I'm gonna start this paragraph over.

Va borttom line is ... even though the SomethingOrOthers are crude and sometimes downright disgusting, they're incredibly entertaining -- and not in a trainwreck kinda way -- in the kinda way that makes you envious of the time they spend together. Honey Boo Boo has taken a lot of heat from critics saying that it's just another reality show promoting teen pregnancy, obesity and exploiting children, but families can learn a lot from Arkansas's finest. They don't go off into their own rooms the second they get home to play with their iPod Touches. They don't have 17 different televisions in 13 different rooms. They don't sit at the dinner table instagramming pictures of their new manicures ... they hang out, enjoy each other's company and occasionally get head-lice.

With the exception of talking to my cousin Lizzie on Sundee night, I spent my entire Rosh Hashanah watching the 49ers and the Lions with my cousins. Most of the time, we all sat around fiddling with our phones, while my father took pictures of a chair. In the other room, the women gossiped about SoInSo who has gained 25 pounds in the last month.

That being said, my Mom's Key Lime Pie was rilly, rilly good.

And SoInSo really has let herself go.

25 pounds in a month?!?!

Enough with the pastrami reubens, lady!

Happy new year?



Evster's note: just realized I think these folks are from Georgia. Whoops?





Tonight, I'm going to see the Eric Andre Show with Hannibal Burress. If you haven't heard of Eric Andre, watch this. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this delicious reuben that my "friend" Philly Phoodie recently ate.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bach Pad: Responding to Readers Who Yelled at Me for Not Watching


Be honest: are you tilting your neck to try and look up her skirt?

On the right hand side of my blorg -- just under the poll that no one ever seems to vote in -- there's a "Contact Me" section with links to TVMWW's Gmail, Facebork and Twitter.

It's essentially up there for three main reasons.

1. Just in case the creative director from the Onion, Grantland or Penthouse Forum wants to offer me a writing gig. (Going left to right, I'm ranking them 3, 2, 1, obviously.)

2. Just in case any women who are frustrated with their husbands for not watching Long Island Medium with them want to send me pictures of themselves sitting cross-legged and/or barefoot while riding a camel.

3. Just in case my wife can't get a hold of me at my 26 other email addresses. (Although really the best way for her to reach me would be to create a fake email account and send me pictures of a woman riding a camel barefoot, thus tricking me into writing her back.)

Not baaaad. 

JESUS CHRIST.
Why's that one guy smiling?!

Unfortunately, the only reason people ever really reach out to me is to complain.

"Why aren't you writing about The Voice?" ... "Stop writing in all caps!" ... "Can you please stop spreading baby powder all over our dining room floor? We're having the Hartleys over on Saturday and there's seriously baby powder everywhere. It's on the wine rack. This morning I had to clean it off the wine rack. Why are you even powdering yourself in the dining room? It's because there's a nice breeze in there, isn't it? By the way, you have way too many email addresses. Are you ever going to get rid of hotmail? And please send me one of your Penthouse Forum drafts. I'm feeling a little randy today. The one about the guy and the girl riding camels in the desert, and the one camel dies so they have to share a camel. And can you make the guy black? Thx!"

By the way, TVMWW is FREE entertainment. FREE. No charge, nothing asked of you ... so would it be too much for some of you women who read this blog to send me just ONE little picture of yourself sitting cross-legged and/or barefoot?!?! That's not a lot to ask, especially in 2012. Ladies, you know you already have these pictures stored somewhere on your cellphone. And I don't even need the camel. I DON'T EVEN NEED THE CAMEL!

And it’s clear that some of my readers would DEFINITELY do this … I’m looking at you American Bridget Jones!

Anywang, in the past few weeks, many (3) TVMWW readers have written in to complain about the fact that I did not write about Bachelor Pad -- which apparently was bing-bang-bonkers this season. So seeing as I am a man of the people and like to give my readers what they want (I'm not. In fact, I don’t care about you guys at all. I write this blog for one reason and one reason only and that’s to make millions of dollars. So far I’ve made zero. It’s very, very upsetting) I will now take a stab at responding to your complaints by writing about a show that I didn't even watch.

From: @SaraCircle

Wait, first of all, who is @SaraCircle?

Great question. Sara Circs is some lady in California who won the second annual (not annual) TVMWW T-shirt giveaway. I never actually made her a T-shirt, but I did send Sara an autographed picture of Pat Sajak signed by me. She was a bit hesitant to give me her home mailing address, not because I might murder her (and I might), but because she wasn't quite sure how to explain to her husband that some pervert in Philadelphia was sending her homemade clothing.

Anybody else hate sitting on bar stools?
SO UNCOMFORTABLE

Sara's email:


"Umm, OMG. Next week's Bachelor Pad finale looks AAAAAAMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAZZZZZUUUUUUNNNNNNGGGG. 
I cannot believe you don't watch this. What is WRONG with youuuuu?"

Look, there were many reasons why I did not watch Bachelor Pad this season. 

- I refuse to watch this show until it’s picked up by Showtime and they start showing full bush. It's truly unacceptable that Bach Pad is not shown in full bush.

- I have no control over my life. None. I'm married. And my wife chose not to watch Bachelor Pad this year and I support her decision because I like sleeping in a home that has a roof.

- For a franchise that has essentially coined the phrase "there for the right reasons," no one goes on this show for the right reasons. Zero. Literally, no one. It is filled with people who go on the show for fame, money and to try and have sex with a woman who looks like a camel. 

AND YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT.

- We needed a goddamn break! Watching the Bach/Bachelorette is EXHAUSTING. It's a mental grind. And after Emily picked Je, it was like being knocked out of the NBA Finals in a brutal seven-game series. Mario Chalmers stepped up big and we literally had no answer for him. Maybe we'll get in the gym during the offseason and work on our lateral quickness, but as soon as the Bach ended, we needed to fly away to Norland to eat some goddamn scrimps. We just couldn't handle two more months of mayhem. Also, that one lady who looks like a camel was just too much. She was too much!

- There was no way that I was going to be able to take even ten minutes of watching that little Michael fella. Last year he had his heart stomped on over and over by that lady who was giving handjobs to dudes in the next room while he was writing her love poems. I wanted him to kill himself. I really did. I was totally ready to watch a man commit suicide on national television. I also wouldn't mind seeing Alex Henery kill himself. That guy stinks!

What do you even call that haircut?
The Charleston?

Next complaint!

From: Katie Nears

Who is Katie Nears? Katie Nears is some nurse lady who works with my friend Emily at a hospital in Center City Philadelphia. According to Em, “Katie has really big boobs,” which is nice for her. As far as I can tell (and I spent at least a good three hours perusing her Facebook photo albums), Katie has zero pictures of her bare feet (or her full bush) online.

"OH MY LAWD can you PLEAZEEE update on the past 1 or 2 Bach Pads? Specifically talk about how cruel it is that ABC forced us to look at Jaclyn's stupid face for SO MANY FREAKING EPISODESSSS, ughhhhhhh if I have to see her f'ing stink face cry ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO THROW UP ALL OVER MY COMPUTER! Also talk a little about Ed's girly shorts, pretty-please. These are just my pref's, though. Gotta go to bed now because I'm leaving for Idaho in like 5 hours, otherwise the list would go onnnn and onnnn............. I would update or something but it would be like a zillion times funnier from a TVMWW blog."

It sure is a good thing that Katie Nears has big boobs, because I don’t know any other way she could get a man to pay attention to her. THAT BEING SAID, SHE BRINGS UP SOME VERY VALID POINTS. Ed’s shorts are absolutely ridicurous and I even blorgged about them way back in 2011. Jaclyn (who is obviously the aforementioned camel-faced-lady!) also happens to be Jewish WHICH IS VERY UPSETTING TO ME. But who cares about that? How about the fact that Katie Neers was on her way to IDAHO???

Look, I like Idaho. I’m sure it’s a very lovely place with very lovely people (both big-titted and small), but I’ve never heard of anyone ever going there! 

Not even Antiques Roadshow!


Is Tank Top Tony going double-tank here?!?!

Another tanker! 

And another tanker!

From: BarkLev

Who is BarkLev? Barks is this dude I work with who has around 47 different eating disorders. He drinks approximately three cans of Muscle Milk every day, refuses to eat bread and mayonnaise, yet if someone is looking for the best Italian hoagie in town, he offers up around 13 "guaranteed" suggestions. He also once flexed his biceps for me and said, out loud, “C’mon, dude. You gotta give me some credit for this. C’mon.”

"You're missing amazing TV. Tony just proposed to Blakely. She said yes."

Now this … this was probably worth watching.

Tank Top Tony was one of the all-time clammiest characters in Bach history and talks soooooo slowwwwwly that I honestly think he might be retarded. I don’t even think you can still call people retarded, but I’m pretty sure that Tony’s retarded.

And now he’s forever going to be united with Blakely?!?! Incredible. I truly truly truly hope they’re happy together – kinda like James Spader and Maggie Gyls from that movie Secretary (NSFW!) where he spends the whole movie spanking her like a camel. Some people are so disturbed or so lost or so retarded that they’re just meant to be with each other. And I genuinely think that Blakely and Tank Top Tones will have a very healthy and wonderful and disgusting sex life. If I drank (cum), I’d toast a glass to the lovely couple.

How 'bout those tankers!

As far as that guy Nick weaseling his way into all the money ... 

If you didn't hear, at the end of Bach Pad the winning couple had a choice to keep all the money for themselves or share it with their partner. If both the guy and the girl picked "SHARE," then they woulda split the money fifty-fift. If they both said "KEEP," neither of them got jack. If one said "KEEP" and the other "SHARE", the person who said "KEEP" got it allllll, and the person who said "SHARE" would freak out like a crazy person ... and that's what happened. The guy who won said that his partner-lady was far from a "partner" and that she didn't deserve isht. So he kept the 250 Gs for himself. I have never in my life before this moment used the term "250 Gs." Never said it or wrote it. It was kinda fun. 

By the way, I didn't actually see any of this, I just heard it from BarkLev at the water cooler on Tuesdee morning while he shoveled down a protein shake and around 20 almonds (with the skin peeled off). 

Frankly, I support Nick the Dick and am proud of him for chasing that paper. 

Just live ya life! 

Hey ayyyyy, hey ayyyyy, hey ayyyyyy. 

You steady chasin' that pay-pahhhhh.





If you wanna complain about stuff and have your emails included in an upcoming TV I'm Whale Watching blogpost, hit me up here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at all these goats!

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Video: My Wife and I Talk About the First Sunday of Football Seez



My wife needs me to do her a favor on the first day of football seez.


Video link here for people who get TVMWW in their email. 
If you feel like watching another one of these vids from hockey seez, click here.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Remembering Franck Ribéry Jr. (2012 - 2012)


Huge Bayern Munich fan. 


DREXEL HILL, PA

Franck Ribéry Jr. – my pet fish – passed away on Wednesday. He was 5½ months old.

Franck (also known to his friends as Fwanck, Franky and Franck Ribéry Joons) was an avid swimmer who also liked to eat bloodworms, make bubble nests and rest in his little fishbowl tree. He was a caring friend, a loyal companion and a semi-interesting Twitter follow. Franck was my best friend.

Franck loved to swim. He lovvvvvved to swim. Forward, backward, darting from one side of the bowl to the other … and he was good … probably the best swimmer I’ve ever seen. Watching Franck swim around his bowl was like watching a young Mozart conduct a symphony – smooth, always in control, but also possibly on cocaine.

My wife brought Franck home for us in late April, a present for my 35th birthday. Legend has it that when my wife scanned the betta fish at Petco, deciding which one to bring home, Franck kept swimming up to her and fanning out his blue and red fins to show her how dope he was. My wife inspected every fish in that place, but Franck kept swimming up to the front of his pathetic, plastic Tupperwear container to make his presence known. Then he’d swim away by doing some sort of Carolina Corkscrew move. My wife couldn’t resist. Francky was ours. It was the best present I ever got. And that includes the WWF Wrestling Ring that Joe Dabakis got me in 3rd grade. I’ve never forgotten that, Joe.

Every time I came home for the last five and a half months Franck would swim up to the front of his little bowl to greet me. He would totally freak out, shaking his entire little fish body like a goddamn lunatic, doing whatever he could to let me know that he wanted some bloodworms. That guy couldn’t get enough bloodworms. Sometimes he’d take a bite of one that was too big and swim around with it hanging out of mouth like a blunt. He was a total gangster – Franck didn’t care about waiting 20 minutes to swim after he ate – he swam on his terms. If there were female fish in his bowl with him, he probably would’ve impregnated every one of ‘em. Either that or he would’ve tried to kill them. You never knew with Franck. He was a loose cannon.

In his last days, Francky suddenly stopped eating. I thought it might be that he needed new water, so I changed it. I gave him different food, checked his water temperature … nothin. Soon after, he was swimming less and spending more time lounging in his little fish tree. On the morning that he passed, I noticed that his breathing was labored. I didn’t know how to help him. I thought about making him a mini-snorkel. Instead I made myself a bagel.

When I think back on Franck’s life, I hope not to remember the struggle of the last few days, but instead the fact that he lived every day of his life to the fullest – or at least as full as it could be for a guy who lived in a goddamn bowl. A fish who the loved the water … a fish who kept my brother-in-law company when he was fish-sitting … a fish who when I’d walk into the kitchen late at night, I’d sometimes find my wife leaning over his bowl, looking down at the greatest swimmer who ever lived.

I’ll miss you Franck Ribéry Joons.

L’chaim. 



If you have any memories of Franck -- or wish to pay your respects -- you can do so in the comments section, on my Facebork wall, or at Franck's Twitter account. Thank you and have a blessed day. 

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Evster's 2nd Annual NFL Preview: and Probably the Last Because Let's Face It There's No Way TVMWW is Still Around Next Year

Legitimately the first person in the history of people to look good with a little neck beard. 

Last week, Us Weekly reported that Emily Maynard was caught sexting with Oakland Raiders quarterback, Matt Leinart. The rumors turned out to be false (or at least denied), but the most fascinating part of the story is that MATT LEINART IS ON THE RAIDERS?!? That means when Carson Palmer gets benched (and he'll obviously get benched, he's Carson Palmer!) that Matt Leinart is going to have to play football!!! ... for an actual team!!! ... in the NFL!!!

This is exciting -- and information that everyone should know -- so let's take a look at some other stuff that you need to know before watching NFL football tomorrow night:

THE NFL STARTS TONIGHT ... AS IN, WEDNESDAY ... YES, WEDNESDAY!

HOLY SMOKES THIS IS AMAZING I'M DEFINITELY ORDERING A PIZZA DON'T TELL MY WIFE -- WE'RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BUT I'M OBVIOUSLY GETTING A PIZZA I SHOULD PROBABLY GET TWO PIZZAS YEAH I'M GETTING TWO PIZZAS CAN SOMEONE PLEASE LEND ME THIRTY DOLLARS PLEASE AND THANK YOU LET'S MAKE IT FORTY JUST TO BE SAFE THANKS AGAIN NO YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY

I'm not thrilled that the NFL's opening night is going up against my new favorite show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it's still a great way to break up the work week. Much better than my normal hump-day routine of slitting my wrists and spending the rest of the week in intensive care. For the record, my wife does NOT like suicide humor and I do NOT like being alive.

If you haven't seen Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, you must. It's a spinoff of Toddlers and Tiaras that features a 6-year-old girl named, you guessed it, Honey Boobs, and her ridiculous family: "Mama", her 300 pound mother who has Forklift Foot (her foot got run over by a forklift), three or four sisters who all have amazing nicknames like "Chubbs" and "Tubbs" and "Porcupine Tits" and her father who doesn't ever talk ... his name is Sugar Bear. What is this blogpost about again?

VICTOR CRUZ IS THE NEW SPOKESPERSON FOR CHUNKY SOUP ... I'M NOT KIDDING ... I WONDER IF HE USES A LITTLE BITTY SPOON FOR HIS SOUP HE'S SO LITTLE!

This is nice for Victor -- a guy who worked his way up to NFL stardom through hard work, perseverance and staying away from foods that are ridiculously high in sodium like Chunky Soup. Even though he's on the Giants, I kinda like him, but I still hope he breaks his leg tomorrow because I have Hakeem Nicks on my fantasy team and I think soup is VERY overrated.

I actually like soup, but it's just such a pain in the ass to eat. You have to bend over and balance stuff on your spoon and that's no way to live. I don't want to be bending and balancing while I'm eating. I wanna be sexting!

He is using a little bitty spoony!

THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT THE ST. LOUIS RAMS IS STILL THE FACT THAT KURT WARNER MARRIED THAT LADY

Even worse is that I kind of find Kurt Warner's wife to be somewhat attractive. I know, I'm not happy about it either. How does she not have a reality show?

It must be really sad to be a Rams fan, because they have zero good football players. I guess Howie Long's son is okay, but he's Howie Long's son.

Admit it, her nails actually look kinda hot. 

PEYTON MANNING AND RANDY MOSS ARE BACK, BABY! ... BUT DONOVAN MCNABBERS IS NOT AND THAT MAKES ME SAD

People are a bit unsure about how these guys are going to do in their NFL returns, but I think it's pretty clear that Peyton is going to be dope (because Peyton's always dope) and Randy Moss is going to be turrible (because his quarterback throws a football about as well as Matt Leinart). If you're one of the all-time greatest receivers and you're attempting a comeback, WHY would you sign for a team that has Alex Smith as the QB? And if you're Donovan McNabb, do you have just boxes and boxes of Chunky Soup stored in your basement? And if you're Kurt Warner, do you keep a shotgun in your basement just in case you want to blow off your testicles?

APPARENTLY ONE OF TIM TEEBS'S TEAMMATES TRIED TO SET HIM UP WITH LOLO JONES THIS SUMMER ... TALK ABOUT DOUBLE VIRGIN ACTION!

The story went like this: Lolo (who is a very religious virgin) invited Tim Teebs on a church date (which apparently is a thing), but Teebs denied her because he has a secret girlfriend (who possibly lives in the Niagara Falls region?). That's really all you need to know. You honestly don't even have to know that. I'm not sure what the purpose of this NFL preview is.

THERE ARE PICTURES OF RYAN TANNEHILL'S WIFE ALL OVER THE INTERNET ... BUT YOU PROBABLY KNEW THAT ALREADY

If you haven't been watching Hard Knocks, then you've been living a goddamn lie. It's by far the best show on television.

Over the past year, I've probably anointed 37 different programs "the best show on television." They are, in no particular order: Wipeout (probably legitimately the best), Breaking Bad (just started watching it and it's so, so, so bonkers), Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (I can't get enough of Sugar Bear), Game of Frones (the ultimate bonkers!) the Premier League Review Show (Gervinho might have worse hair than RG3) and Antiques Roadshow (TVMWW blogpost to come soon). 

HBO has shown us Chad Johnson getting cut, Vontae Davis hearing he was traded ("I need to call my Grandma"), some white guy crying like a little biznitch and numerous clips of Ryan Tannehill's wife without shoes on. Enough of this reading crap, let's look at some pics, shall we?

Now that's a high-waisted short.

Have you ever seen a smoother knee coupled with a dumber pair of sunglasses?

Would probably be the worst spokesperson for Chunky Soup.

That's not even a football pose!


EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOW A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE, RG3 STILL HAS AN ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE HAIRCUT ... AND THAT'S COMING FROM A GUY WITH A MAJOR RECEDING HAIRLINE

And here's the thing: I like RG3! He seems like a nice guy, I was really happy when he won the Heisman, BUT C'MON WITH THE BONE THUGS & HARMONY LOOK, DUDE. Totally unacceptable



Bone-bone-bone-bone bone, bone, bone ...


Gervinho ... real human being.

MY SUPER BOWL PICK IS THE EAGLES OVER THE PATRIOTS ... ALTHOUGH I SECRETLY THINK THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS ARE KINDA GONNA BE DECENT

Pretty sure I've picked the Eagles to win the Super Bowl the last 25 seasons -- gotta be right one of these years.

Truly unbelievable that Kroy Biermann was not mentioned in this post.

We both like soup.



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For some reason my fish, @FribsJr, is not eating. Please send him your well wishes on Twitter. Orrrrrrrr, look at this guy's fish car. I'm guessing that's what most of you will do.