Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Olympics: Survey -- What Kinda Fan Are You?

I gotta give it to Mary, her shirt is very well pressed. 

I know this lady who I thought was cool but then she told me yesterday that she was planning to watch Newsroom and not the Olympics so now I think she's much less cool.

How about you?

What kinda Olympics fan are you? Take this survey to find out.

Or just go get yourself an iced coffee. Who cares, really? I'd go for the iced coffee. So refreshing.

1. After 10 days of watching the Olymps, I have come to the conclusion that:

a) I'm all for individuality and expressing yourself and the Olympic spirit and all that, but these Japanese folks have gone a little too buckwile with their hairdos.
b) There is not a more boring woman on the planet than Mary Carillo. And that includes women who go to school to become speech therapists.
c) Even though I have little to no interest in actually watching it, there's a very good chance that I DVR at least the first four episodes of the new Steve Harvey show.
d) Nobody dives like a Chinaman.

2. What are your thoughts on the fact that volleyball players slap five (actually, ten!) after EVERY point, some of them even going in for a full hug each time?

a) Completely and totally unacceptable.
b) No one enjoys the "Low Ten" followed by a butt-slap more than Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jennings.
c) Ken Jennings is actually a very funny Twitterer.
d) I'd pay big big bucks (probably like $15) to watch James Harden and Kevin Durant legit play volleyball against Misty May and Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jenns.

Andrea gives a lecture on how Mary Carillo doesn't know shit about shit.

3. When being interviewed by Andrea Kremer about how it feels that you just won a swimming gold medal, the proper way to answer the question is by saying:

a) "Well Andrea, first I'd just like to say that you have by far the worst hairstyle of any woman at these Olympics, and that includes any and all Romanians."
b) "First and foremost I have to give glory to God for putting me in this position ... although I'm a little upset at him because after swimming in a pool every day for the last 20 years my hair is very, very water damaged. What kind of shampoo do you use, Andrea? The cheapest, right? You must use the cheapest."
c) "I'm so happy. I put so much work into the last 20 years. Obviously not as much as your hairdresser is going to have to put in over the next 20, but a lot."
d) I think you're a very nice person, Andrea, but I have to go take a shit.

4. Now that Usain Bolt has reclaimed his throne as the World's Fastest Man, he should:

a) Have sex with every single white woman.

5. If I were born and raised in Norway:

a) I'm convinced that I could've made at least one Olympic Handball team.
b) I probably would've known a dude named Thorbjørn, which I guess is pretty cool.
c) Who am I kidding? I woulda been the exact same shlub I am now, although, you really can't put down the fact that I've have a friend named Thorbjørn!
d) I have a friend named Thorbjørn, and lemme tell ya, he's a total dick!

6. How many pairs of underwear do you think Mary Carillo wears a day?

a) I think four.
b) I think five.
c) Well hold on a sec, do you mean how many pairs does she wear throughout the day? or how many pairs does she put on first thing in the morning? 'Cause I think she puts on four pairs in the morning -- all on top of one another -- but then probably goes through at least 14 or 15 pairs over the next couple of hours.
d) The only way that Mary Carillo could keep my attention during one of her Olympic-Story-Things would be if she did a report on how many pairs of underwear she wears.

This was a nice mome!
But what's with Phelpsy having like 4 different pairs of headphones? C'mon Phelpsy!

7. My favourite moment of the Olymps so far was when:

a) Phelpsy and Lochte shared a high-fiver in the Ready Room after watching that other American dude win a race.
b) Any time a swimmer talked about what went on in the Ready Room.
c) Telling my wife I'd be "Downstairs in a sec! I just need a few more minutes in the Ready Room," while taking a smash.
d) Watching women cry.

8. The most erotic part of the Olympics has been:

a) Any time a woman has cried.
b) These water polo players.
c) Kate Middleton's slight over-usage of eyeliner.
d) The sexual tension between Bob Costas and Mary Carillo's flats.

9. My REAL favourite moment of the Olympics so far was when:

a) The Phelps/Lochte high-fiver! It was really nice!
b) When that track dude from Grenada asked that guy without legs for his nametag.
c) Oh yeah, how have we not talked about that guy without legs!
d) James Harden stuffing Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jenning's spike in her face!

In the face!

10. Legless guy, Oscar Pistorius, let's talk about this dude:

a) I totally support him. I mean, the guy has no legs! Last week I went around three hours without my lip gloss and totally freaked out. For the record though, I have very dry lips. I'm Norwegian.
b) It was nice when that Grenadian asked for his nametag and all, but I woulda asked for his leg.
c) Whaddaya think you'd have to trade a guy for him to give you his leg? A chicken leg? I'd say a chicken leg.
d) I think we're done here.

That's a nice looking leg. 

RESULTS

-- If you read this survey and legitimately answered any of these questions, then you need to seriously reevaluate everything you're doing in this world.
-- If you are not getting fried chicken for lunch today, then you need to seriously reevaluate everything you're doing in this world.
-- If you are now following Ken Jennings on Twitter as a result of reading this survey, then you can consider yourself a strong candidate to dethrone Rachel Co as TVMWW's reigning Reader of the Year.
-- If you watched Bachelor Pad last night, can we please talk about Tank Top Tony?! THAT GUY IS SO EMBARRASSING!



I have not seen one other TV show since the start of the Olympics. Not True Blood, not Bach Pad, although I did watch final Jeop last night. I got it wrong. What show should the wife and I start watching after the Olymps? Lemme know in the comments sectsh. Oh whatever, you're a bunch of jerks, just write whatever you wanna write, or don't, or just look at this beautiful place that's absolutely nothing like Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

8 comments:

  1. it hurts my feelings that I am not considered the TVMWW reader of the year. Half of you bachelorette posts come from my twitter ideas.
    also, the olympics are my favorite biennial event. there's a girl from my neighborhood that is competing in mountain biking and I am so excited to see what her back story segment says about our boring ass town.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LIFE IS CRUEL, JACKI ... JUST ASK JACKI ONASSIS.

      AND IS IT TRUE THAT GIRLS FROM BORING ASS TOWNS BONE LIKE DOGS? JUST ASKING ... FOR A FRIEND.

      Delete
  2. I lurve the olimpiacos and have warched sooo much more than the layst 4 combined

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If anyone is reading this ... please understand that this comment (that seems like absolute jibberish) means so much more than you think it means.

      Allow me to explain:

      Hartastic is a great friend of mine ... we met in 10th grade math class ... and on the first day of school that year, Hart looked down at my "M, Go Blue" shoelaces and thought, "What's this guy's deal? Is he retarded? Like, is this person a retarded person?" ... but we soon became friends and spent the entire year in the back of the room making fun of our teacher who was secretly sort of hot.

      Anyway, I don't know what Hart's getting at in his comment above ... "the layst 4 combined???" (is he saying that he watched the last 4 olympics? what does that even mean?) ... but Hart's comment isn't important ... what's important is that he's showing interest in TVMWW.

      Let me tell you something ... my friends -- like, my good friends -- pay ZERO attention to TVMWW. They never read the blog and bust my balls about it all the time (which is pretty expected and understandable) ... so Hart's recent activity on TVMWW is a MAJOR breakthrough.

      Thank you and have a blessed day.

      Delete
    2. He means he's watched so much more this time around, as compared with the last 4 Olympics combined. I think. I've watched a lot this year as well, but given that I have a job - which, don't get me wrong, I am thankful for - I am somewhat restricted and can't really log the hours I'd like to. But all in all, I think I've put in a pretty respectable showing. Really? Thanks for asking.

      Delete
    3. I am also thankful that you have a job that gives me health insurance and allows me to see the mole doctor once a year.

      Delete
  3. I'm glad you agree that the Romanians have some aesthetic issues...I've been thinking about that for years. I want to introduce waxing to all the women over there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let me clarify American Bridge:

      I have absolutely no problem with a hairy Romanian bush. I'm not sure where you got that from. I fully support Romanians -- and all women -- in however they want to treat their bushes.

      Thank you.

      Delete