Friday, August 3, 2012

Olympics: Everyone's a Friggin' Expert

Ultimate shocker of the Olympics:
I actually think the name "Elfi Schlegel" is funnier than "Tim Daggett."

It's amazing that after five days of the Olympics, I consider myself an expert in around 43 events. Tell me if this conversation sounds anything like the one you had while watching synchronized diving:

EVSTER: You see there, he opened up out of his pike too early. That's gonna be a three tenths deduction.

DAR:  Even from the approach ...

EVSTER:  ... they weren't synced. They were not synced. Well, the Mexicans are up next, and they're not known for their technical ability.

DAR:  No, they're not.

EVSTER:  And last time they dove, Garcia's back was arched slightly during entry. Just like at the 2010 Worlds.

DAR:  You are so hot when you talk about water entry.

EVSTER:   Then again, their level of difficulty is much higher than the Dutch.

DAR:  You are my sexy little Mexican.

EVSTER:  You wanna go boink?

DAR:  You know I do.

EVSTER:  Should I put on my Speedo?

DAR:  Yes.

EVSTER:  Okay, but this time I get to be the East German coach and you're the diver who refuses to dedicate herself.

DAR:  Ik bin ein very very bad.


Triple Lindy. 

It seems like the key to all of these events that are scored by judges is just to attempt something with a ridiculously high level of difficulty. Even when the athletes screw up, they get really high scores. If I were a diver, I'd attempt the hardest dive everrrrrrr.

ALEX FLANAGAN:  For Evan's next dive, he's going to attempt a 47-flipper into a double pike, while making a chicken enchilada.

TED ROBINSON:  Very difficult.

ALEX FLANAGAN:  And he's going to use organic chicken that he got this morning from a farmer's market just outside of North London.

TED ROBINSON:  Guacamole, orrr...???

ALEX FLANAGAN:  No guacamole, the avocados were not ripe. They were just not ripe. Here he goes.

EVSTER takes a deep breath and raises his arms to reveal an enormous amount of deodorant clumped in his armpits. He gathers himself, jumps off the platform and immediately loses his grip of the various produce, cutting boards and cooking accessories. Everything flies into the air in every possible direction, a humongous splash is heard followed by shrieking and ambulance sirens.

ALEX FLANAGAN:  Absolute shit-dive, but the level of difficulty was a 53.8, so that'll keep Evan in medal contention, just in front of the Chinaman who is now going to attempt a quadruple double pike salchow while doing long division.

C'mon Gaylord!

C'mon Rowdy.

Swimming is no different, a sport where I consider the Side-Stroke to be my specialty. According to Rowdy Gaines, Lanes 1 and 8 should be the fastest lanes because of their calm water, but I don't think one swimmer has won from those lanes ... which is strange, because a few weeks ago I went swimming in the ocean and almost drowned nine different times because of a lack of calm water. However, because I "breathe to my right," I was able to spot the ice cream guy on the beach and catch him in time to get fourteen two Chipwiches.

Just kinda throwing this out there ... is finding where your family is sitting on the beach after swimming in the ocean the hardest thing to do in this world? That should be an Olumpic event. Olumpics? Olympics. Maybe they should have the Olumpics -- and an event where people swim around for an hour, go boogie boarding, pee all over the place, and then a whistle blows telling them they have to get out of the water and find their flip flops.

Why do we need to be experts on every sport? Can't we just sit back and enjoy sports for what they are? A bunch of really nice-looking people doing stuff that we can't. Watching a baseball game these days is excruciatingly painful because the announcers don't ever shut up. And baseball is like the easiest game to follow. One of my million-dollar ideas is to create a setting on your TV that mutes the announcers, but keeps the sounds of the game, so that it's like you're actually at the ballpark. You'll still be able to hear the chatter of the fans, the peanut guy, the pop of the catcher's mitt when the ball reaches the plate ... just without Tim McCarver telling us that he once shared a ham sandwich with Steve Carlton.

For the record, I'm also an expert in parenting -- even though I have a grand total of zero children -- and can confidently state that gymnastics parents are the craziest people on the planet. The question is, who are the craziest gymnastics parents? Is it Aly Reisman's parents or Danell Leyva's?

Reisman's folks' reaction to her balance beam performance was clearly one of the weirdest things I've ever witnessed, but I think that Leyva's father's forehead-kiss ear-grab clapping-fit is straight-up insane. Plus, Leyva's got that weird lucky blanket/beach towel that he drapes over his shoulder, so I'm giving the nod to Mr. and Mrs Leyva.

Of course, Phelpsy's mom is also in the discussion, but I think she's just more of an attention-lover than a weirdo. Also kinda strange that none of the Phelps women ever have a fella with them? Just sayin.

Totally normal.

This person looks well-adjusted.

And then there's this guy!

Also an expert on Judo, a sport that I watched for the first time yesterday and am now convinced is just a glorified tripping competition. Every Judo person has one move -- the "I'm gonna stick my leg behind yours and try to push you over" -- the same move that every middle school kid has mastered. I think they should have a Judo doubles competition where your partner runs around and crouches behind your opponent and you shove them over -- lowbridge-style. See? Right there, I can't just watch Judo, I'm already thinking of how to improve it ... a sport that's been around for 1,400 years, I feel the need to improve.

Olympic Trampoline starts tonight.

Now that's a sport that we're all experts in.

I have no idea what that means.

And now for the music that I would choose to accompany my floor exercise routine.

Have you seen this Super Colds video yet? You HAVE to watch it. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out the Phelps kids from back in the diz.


  1. Craziest Olympic athlete parents are ABSOLUTELY Dominique Moceanu's parents. At 17 years old she legally divorced them as her parents because they were abusive and squandered away all of the money she earned after the '96 Olympics. She also revealed in her memoir that she has a long lost younger sister who she didn't know about until a few years ago. The sister was born without legs and her parents gave her up for adoption because they wanted another Olympic gymnast.

    1. They shoulda trained that legless freak to dominate the pommel horse!

  2. One of the Chinese Men's Trampoline guys name is Dong Dong.

  3. This should be required reading for all vaulters. Apparently you can land on your ass and still win Silver.


      Was watching with The Wife last night and I was FUMING because Mckayla "Officer Mahoney" Maroney was in first place after the ass-plant and my wife DIDN'T UNDERSTAND why I was so frustrated!