Thursday, August 30, 2012

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Whatsherface Has a Water Birth


Nice pants suit.

Just when you thought the bigget piece of absolute first-rate, Grade-A dogshit was gone from the internet ... BOOM, BABY!

TVMWW is back with more hilaaarrriousss insight (I'm currently typing this with my dork!), words that don't make sense (florvdales!) and a picture of a mouse that looks exactly like Wilford Brimley:

You can't deny it!

Frankly, I thought after my vacashe people would forget about this blorg and I could move onto my next creative endeavor, MiceWhoLookLikeWilfordBrims.org, but nooooooooooo. Loyal readers, GoHeels83 and Anonymous, requested that I keep posting -- specifically about the latest episode of Keeping Up With Kim Kardashian and Some Other People where Whatsherface has a water birth.

The only problem is I haven't seen the latest episode of the Kardashians (not really that big of a problem, is it?) and my wife is currently immersed in the U.S. Opes. So when I asked her last night if I could watch Keeping Up with Kim Kardashian's Kumpalace, she was a little confused.

MY WIFE:  Sorry, what?

ME:  Was kinda thinkin' we could watch Keeping Up with Rick Kardashian.

MY WIFE:  The U.S. Open's on.

ME:  I know, I know, it's just ...

MY WIFE:  That Croatian lady just shoved a tennis ball up her skirt.

ME:  Yeah, I loved that, but I was ...

MY WIFE:  It's in the back of her underwear. She has a tennis ball jammed in the back of her underwear.

ME:  Oh, I'm aware ... I'm aware. It's just ...

MY WIFE:  You can literally see her underwear bulging. It's red. And there's a tennis ball jammed in there. There might be two.

ME:  Trust me, I see them.

MY WIFE:  I don't think ya do! I don't think ya do, Ev! Do you see how sweaty her ass is?!

ME:  Yes. Yes I do. And so is mine. I've actually been sitting here jamming tennis balls into my underwear every time she does. It's sort of a game I've been playing. She jams a ball in there, I jam two. Can you not smell the tennis balls? In the last ten minutes I've opened about six new cans.

WIFE no longer paying attention.

ME (cont.):  It's just I gotta get back to TV My Wife Waptchebs. And someone -- who prefers to stay anonymous -- told me that Whatsherface has a water birth on the latest episode, and you haven't happened to see any Wilson 2s over there, have you? Any Wilson 2s?


So fuzzy.
Kinda surprised actually that more stuff isn't
made out of tennis ball material.  Like dog jackets.

At this point my wife perked up, because she's kind of a sucker for any TV show that has to do with the human form: water births, transgender stuff, RedTube ... anything with a tube, really ... although for some reason she refuses to go tubing with me and my father.

So she allowed me to put on the Kardashees during commercials.

The only thing was that I couldn't actually find the episode On Demand where Whatsherface has a water birth. I found one where she looked into having a water birth, and where Oprah interviewed her about water births, but no actual birthing episode. The closest thing to a water birth happened when I spilled* iced tea all over my tits.

*intentionally

I also received this text message from my brother -- whose wife is 9 months pregnant with their first child:

"Last night around 4am Ada called me from the bathroom, 'Oh my, oh my, Lionel! Lionel! Come here come here!' ... the sink was overflowing."

That's kinda like a water birth.

And yes, my brother's name is Lionel.

Luckily, I happen to know A LOT about water births because there was this show a while back on TLC where Ricki Lake and Rosie McDonald filmed their water birth. Basically, instead of going to a hospital where there are DOCTORS and MEDICINE and TUNAFISH SANDWICHES, a woman draws herself a bath, plops herself down and essentially ruins the tub for anyone who plans to use it in the next three to seven decades. The only thing I'm not so clear on is whether or not the woman's beaver is submerged in the water when she actually gives birth, shooting the child out underwater -- or if she just warms and softens her beave and then shoots the kid out like at a waterslide splashpark. You gotta think the whole purpose for the water birth is to actually shoot the kid out under water, but it seems like that could take a while and the kid might drown so yeah, there's no way the woman fully submerges her beave. I can't believe I even thought she'd submerge her own beave. I wonder how actual beavers give birth.

No big deal, just a one-time popular talk show host toweling off
after shooting a child out of her vagina into a bathtub
while a massive film crew documented it.
NO BIG DEAL

I also wonder if there's any character in the history of television who I've changed my opinion of more drastically than Scott Disick. This guy was on pace to become the alllllll-time biggest doucher, but I kinda like him now! Yes, resting his sweater over his shoulders is a bit much ... and yes, the dress shirts with the white collars and gold cufflinks are pretty much douche-supreme ... but he's kind of a sweet guy who loves his girlfriend and understands that he's made some mistakes in the past. (Yet he still wraps his sweater over his shoulders. Strange.) He also supports Whatsherface unconditionally, even when she looks into the idea of potentially drowning their child. And wouldn't you have drunken, douchey fits if you were subjected to living with a family of lunatics?!

Here are some other folks whose images have done total 180s over the years:

Nice sweater-vest, Corey Pavin Jr.

Chandler -- went from a fun-loving, wise-cracking dude to a soft, embarrassing sap.
I HATE THIS MAN.





Mr. Wonderful, Paul Orndorff -- I'll never forget when he raised the Hulkster's hand after saving his tag-team partner from distress and then FLIPPED THE SCRIPT and clotheslined Hogan right in his fucking throat. I love that man.

(In the video above I cued it up to the part when he chops his throat! ... I know!)

So sad!

Anthony Michael Hall -- went from an adorable, hilarious dweebazoid to a total beefhead. Beefhead? Is that a thing? Beefcake? I kinda like beefhead. His head did actually get a lot beefier.

Eventually I gave up on trying to watch the episode, made myself some nachos and fell asleep on the couch.

TV My Wife Watches is back, folks!

Look at this mouse riding a fucking scooter!

That's a really nice scooter!



While on vacashe in Oslo, pretty much every discotheque we walked by was blaring that Fire Away song by David Guetts. You can watch the video below. It honestly could be the greatest song in the history of musaq. I defy you to listen to it and not try to grind up on a Norwegian woman. Orrrrrrrrrr, you could just look at this nice picture of a guy and a cat in alleyway in Manhattan from 1947.






20 comments:

  1. Welcome back. You were missed. I don't like mice though, creepy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should watch Ratatouille!

      Or eat some cheese!

      Who here likes cheese?

      Delete
  2. I liked both of the mice pics and the David Guetts song at the end. Could have done without the rest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another wonderful poem from Anonymous!

      Delete
  3. I think that's a different Anonymous...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. pretty sure it's the same Anonymous!

      Delete
  4. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Water_birth (you definitely want to click that.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. My cousin had a water birth, or an almost one. They made her get out like right before the baby was born.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder if a snorkel helps in those situations.

      How amazing are snorkels by the way?!

      Delete
  6. Wow, a shoutout! I should win a prize too!

    Water births - that made me want to vomit. Welcome back, hoss.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank goodness you're finally back!

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete