Thursday, August 30, 2012

Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Whatsherface Has a Water Birth

Nice pants suit.

Just when you thought the bigget piece of absolute first-rate, Grade-A dogshit was gone from the internet ... BOOM, BABY!

TVMWW is back with more hilaaarrriousss insight (I'm currently typing this with my dork!), words that don't make sense (florvdales!) and a picture of a mouse that looks exactly like Wilford Brimley:

You can't deny it!

Frankly, I thought after my vacashe people would forget about this blorg and I could move onto my next creative endeavor,, but nooooooooooo. Loyal readers, GoHeels83 and Anonymous, requested that I keep posting -- specifically about the latest episode of Keeping Up With Kim Kardashian and Some Other People where Whatsherface has a water birth.

The only problem is I haven't seen the latest episode of the Kardashians (not really that big of a problem, is it?) and my wife is currently immersed in the U.S. Opes. So when I asked her last night if I could watch Keeping Up with Kim Kardashian's Kumpalace, she was a little confused.

MY WIFE:  Sorry, what?

ME:  Was kinda thinkin' we could watch Keeping Up with Rick Kardashian.

MY WIFE:  The U.S. Open's on.

ME:  I know, I know, it's just ...

MY WIFE:  That Croatian lady just shoved a tennis ball up her skirt.

ME:  Yeah, I loved that, but I was ...

MY WIFE:  It's in the back of her underwear. She has a tennis ball jammed in the back of her underwear.

ME:  Oh, I'm aware ... I'm aware. It's just ...

MY WIFE:  You can literally see her underwear bulging. It's red. And there's a tennis ball jammed in there. There might be two.

ME:  Trust me, I see them.

MY WIFE:  I don't think ya do! I don't think ya do, Ev! Do you see how sweaty her ass is?!

ME:  Yes. Yes I do. And so is mine. I've actually been sitting here jamming tennis balls into my underwear every time she does. It's sort of a game I've been playing. She jams a ball in there, I jam two. Can you not smell the tennis balls? In the last ten minutes I've opened about six new cans.

WIFE no longer paying attention.

ME (cont.):  It's just I gotta get back to TV My Wife Waptchebs. And someone -- who prefers to stay anonymous -- told me that Whatsherface has a water birth on the latest episode, and you haven't happened to see any Wilson 2s over there, have you? Any Wilson 2s?

So fuzzy.
Kinda surprised actually that more stuff isn't
made out of tennis ball material.  Like dog jackets.

At this point my wife perked up, because she's kind of a sucker for any TV show that has to do with the human form: water births, transgender stuff, RedTube ... anything with a tube, really ... although for some reason she refuses to go tubing with me and my father.

So she allowed me to put on the Kardashees during commercials.

The only thing was that I couldn't actually find the episode On Demand where Whatsherface has a water birth. I found one where she looked into having a water birth, and where Oprah interviewed her about water births, but no actual birthing episode. The closest thing to a water birth happened when I spilled* iced tea all over my tits.


I also received this text message from my brother -- whose wife is 9 months pregnant with their first child:

"Last night around 4am Ada called me from the bathroom, 'Oh my, oh my, Lionel! Lionel! Come here come here!' ... the sink was overflowing."

That's kinda like a water birth.

And yes, my brother's name is Lionel.

Luckily, I happen to know A LOT about water births because there was this show a while back on TLC where Ricki Lake and Rosie McDonald filmed their water birth. Basically, instead of going to a hospital where there are DOCTORS and MEDICINE and TUNAFISH SANDWICHES, a woman draws herself a bath, plops herself down and essentially ruins the tub for anyone who plans to use it in the next three to seven decades. The only thing I'm not so clear on is whether or not the woman's beaver is submerged in the water when she actually gives birth, shooting the child out underwater -- or if she just warms and softens her beave and then shoots the kid out like at a waterslide splashpark. You gotta think the whole purpose for the water birth is to actually shoot the kid out under water, but it seems like that could take a while and the kid might drown so yeah, there's no way the woman fully submerges her beave. I can't believe I even thought she'd submerge her own beave. I wonder how actual beavers give birth.

No big deal, just a one-time popular talk show host toweling off
after shooting a child out of her vagina into a bathtub
while a massive film crew documented it.

I also wonder if there's any character in the history of television who I've changed my opinion of more drastically than Scott Disick. This guy was on pace to become the alllllll-time biggest doucher, but I kinda like him now! Yes, resting his sweater over his shoulders is a bit much ... and yes, the dress shirts with the white collars and gold cufflinks are pretty much douche-supreme ... but he's kind of a sweet guy who loves his girlfriend and understands that he's made some mistakes in the past. (Yet he still wraps his sweater over his shoulders. Strange.) He also supports Whatsherface unconditionally, even when she looks into the idea of potentially drowning their child. And wouldn't you have drunken, douchey fits if you were subjected to living with a family of lunatics?!

Here are some other folks whose images have done total 180s over the years:

Nice sweater-vest, Corey Pavin Jr.

Chandler -- went from a fun-loving, wise-cracking dude to a soft, embarrassing sap.

Mr. Wonderful, Paul Orndorff -- I'll never forget when he raised the Hulkster's hand after saving his tag-team partner from distress and then FLIPPED THE SCRIPT and clotheslined Hogan right in his fucking throat. I love that man.

(In the video above I cued it up to the part when he chops his throat! ... I know!)

So sad!

Anthony Michael Hall -- went from an adorable, hilarious dweebazoid to a total beefhead. Beefhead? Is that a thing? Beefcake? I kinda like beefhead. His head did actually get a lot beefier.

Eventually I gave up on trying to watch the episode, made myself some nachos and fell asleep on the couch.

TV My Wife Watches is back, folks!

Look at this mouse riding a fucking scooter!

That's a really nice scooter!

While on vacashe in Oslo, pretty much every discotheque we walked by was blaring that Fire Away song by David Guetts. You can watch the video below. It honestly could be the greatest song in the history of musaq. I defy you to listen to it and not try to grind up on a Norwegian woman. Orrrrrrrrrr, you could just look at this nice picture of a guy and a cat in alleyway in Manhattan from 1947.

Friday, August 10, 2012

TVMWW is on Vacashe -- in Norway! ... aka Norland! ... aka Nørblørbs!

Have you ever seen fresher air!

Your favourite shitbox of a blog is going away for a few weeks.

But don't worry! I've got plenty of ideas to keep you entertained while I'm spelunking in Scandanavia.

1. Eat a taco salad

Honestly, when's the last time you had a friggin' taco salad?

2. Listen to American Routes

If you're stressed at work or are driving through southern Arkansas, there's nothing more relaxing than listening to this blues/soul/all types-of-ill-music show from NPR. Listen to an episode here.

3. Read Some Other Isht

THE ETHICIST -- My main man Chuck Klosterman was recently hired as the new Ethicist for the New York Times and people have been criticizing him like whoa because people are idiots. The Ethicist is a Dear Abby'ish-type column where people write in and ask questions like, "I ordered a taco salad the other day for lunch, but ended up feeding it to my friend's dog because he wouldn't stop begging me to give him some. Well, the dog died because turns out dogs shouldn't eat taco salad. Do I have to tell my friend? I don't want to and his dog was kind of an asshole." And then Chuck has to respond by saying the guy would have to tell his friend because he was directly responsible for the dog's death even though the dog might have been a total dickhead and this was probably the worst possible example I could have given to try and get people to read this column.

It would actually be pretty damned hard to not give this dog some taco salad.

4. Pobcapsts

WTF with Marc Maron -- This guy Marc Maron is a total doucher comedian, but he happens to get the absolute best guests to come on and talk comedy on his podcasts. I recently listened to this episode with JB Smoove (Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm) who talked all about his days starting off in Stand-up to writing for SNL to auditioning for Curb. Absolutely fantastic. (Skip the first 13 minutes, it's just Marc Maron blabbing about nonsense. He's honestly the worst.)

Mike and Tom Eat Snacks -- Pretty aptly named. On each episode, Michael Ian Black and Tom Cavanaugh (Ed, from that show Ed) pick a snack, eat a snack, talk about the snack and rate the snack.

This isn't even a particularly good-looking one!

All right, that should hold you over til I get back.

See you in a fortnight.

Or as the Norwegian say, a gørpnipe!

What are you from Nørland?

Not one thing about telelvision in this entire post ... what kinda blorg is this?!?!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Olympics: Survey -- What Kinda Fan Are You?

I gotta give it to Mary, her shirt is very well pressed. 

I know this lady who I thought was cool but then she told me yesterday that she was planning to watch Newsroom and not the Olympics so now I think she's much less cool.

How about you?

What kinda Olympics fan are you? Take this survey to find out.

Or just go get yourself an iced coffee. Who cares, really? I'd go for the iced coffee. So refreshing.

1. After 10 days of watching the Olymps, I have come to the conclusion that:

a) I'm all for individuality and expressing yourself and the Olympic spirit and all that, but these Japanese folks have gone a little too buckwile with their hairdos.
b) There is not a more boring woman on the planet than Mary Carillo. And that includes women who go to school to become speech therapists.
c) Even though I have little to no interest in actually watching it, there's a very good chance that I DVR at least the first four episodes of the new Steve Harvey show.
d) Nobody dives like a Chinaman.

2. What are your thoughts on the fact that volleyball players slap five (actually, ten!) after EVERY point, some of them even going in for a full hug each time?

a) Completely and totally unacceptable.
b) No one enjoys the "Low Ten" followed by a butt-slap more than Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jennings.
c) Ken Jennings is actually a very funny Twitterer.
d) I'd pay big big bucks (probably like $15) to watch James Harden and Kevin Durant legit play volleyball against Misty May and Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jenns.

Andrea gives a lecture on how Mary Carillo doesn't know shit about shit.

3. When being interviewed by Andrea Kremer about how it feels that you just won a swimming gold medal, the proper way to answer the question is by saying:

a) "Well Andrea, first I'd just like to say that you have by far the worst hairstyle of any woman at these Olympics, and that includes any and all Romanians."
b) "First and foremost I have to give glory to God for putting me in this position ... although I'm a little upset at him because after swimming in a pool every day for the last 20 years my hair is very, very water damaged. What kind of shampoo do you use, Andrea? The cheapest, right? You must use the cheapest."
c) "I'm so happy. I put so much work into the last 20 years. Obviously not as much as your hairdresser is going to have to put in over the next 20, but a lot."
d) I think you're a very nice person, Andrea, but I have to go take a shit.

4. Now that Usain Bolt has reclaimed his throne as the World's Fastest Man, he should:

a) Have sex with every single white woman.

5. If I were born and raised in Norway:

a) I'm convinced that I could've made at least one Olympic Handball team.
b) I probably would've known a dude named Thorbjørn, which I guess is pretty cool.
c) Who am I kidding? I woulda been the exact same shlub I am now, although, you really can't put down the fact that I've have a friend named Thorbjørn!
d) I have a friend named Thorbjørn, and lemme tell ya, he's a total dick!

6. How many pairs of underwear do you think Mary Carillo wears a day?

a) I think four.
b) I think five.
c) Well hold on a sec, do you mean how many pairs does she wear throughout the day? or how many pairs does she put on first thing in the morning? 'Cause I think she puts on four pairs in the morning -- all on top of one another -- but then probably goes through at least 14 or 15 pairs over the next couple of hours.
d) The only way that Mary Carillo could keep my attention during one of her Olympic-Story-Things would be if she did a report on how many pairs of underwear she wears.

This was a nice mome!
But what's with Phelpsy having like 4 different pairs of headphones? C'mon Phelpsy!

7. My favourite moment of the Olymps so far was when:

a) Phelpsy and Lochte shared a high-fiver in the Ready Room after watching that other American dude win a race.
b) Any time a swimmer talked about what went on in the Ready Room.
c) Telling my wife I'd be "Downstairs in a sec! I just need a few more minutes in the Ready Room," while taking a smash.
d) Watching women cry.

8. The most erotic part of the Olympics has been:

a) Any time a woman has cried.
b) These water polo players.
c) Kate Middleton's slight over-usage of eyeliner.
d) The sexual tension between Bob Costas and Mary Carillo's flats.

9. My REAL favourite moment of the Olympics so far was when:

a) The Phelps/Lochte high-fiver! It was really nice!
b) When that track dude from Grenada asked that guy without legs for his nametag.
c) Oh yeah, how have we not talked about that guy without legs!
d) James Harden stuffing Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jenning's spike in her face!

In the face!

10. Legless guy, Oscar Pistorius, let's talk about this dude:

a) I totally support him. I mean, the guy has no legs! Last week I went around three hours without my lip gloss and totally freaked out. For the record though, I have very dry lips. I'm Norwegian.
b) It was nice when that Grenadian asked for his nametag and all, but I woulda asked for his leg.
c) Whaddaya think you'd have to trade a guy for him to give you his leg? A chicken leg? I'd say a chicken leg.
d) I think we're done here.

That's a nice looking leg. 


-- If you read this survey and legitimately answered any of these questions, then you need to seriously reevaluate everything you're doing in this world.
-- If you are not getting fried chicken for lunch today, then you need to seriously reevaluate everything you're doing in this world.
-- If you are now following Ken Jennings on Twitter as a result of reading this survey, then you can consider yourself a strong candidate to dethrone Rachel Co as TVMWW's reigning Reader of the Year.
-- If you watched Bachelor Pad last night, can we please talk about Tank Top Tony?! THAT GUY IS SO EMBARRASSING!

I have not seen one other TV show since the start of the Olympics. Not True Blood, not Bach Pad, although I did watch final Jeop last night. I got it wrong. What show should the wife and I start watching after the Olymps? Lemme know in the comments sectsh. Oh whatever, you're a bunch of jerks, just write whatever you wanna write, or don't, or just look at this beautiful place that's absolutely nothing like Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Olympics: Everyone's a Friggin' Expert

Ultimate shocker of the Olympics:
I actually think the name "Elfi Schlegel" is funnier than "Tim Daggett."

It's amazing that after five days of the Olympics, I consider myself an expert in around 43 events. Tell me if this conversation sounds anything like the one you had while watching synchronized diving:

EVSTER: You see there, he opened up out of his pike too early. That's gonna be a three tenths deduction.

DAR:  Even from the approach ...

EVSTER:  ... they weren't synced. They were not synced. Well, the Mexicans are up next, and they're not known for their technical ability.

DAR:  No, they're not.

EVSTER:  And last time they dove, Garcia's back was arched slightly during entry. Just like at the 2010 Worlds.

DAR:  You are so hot when you talk about water entry.

EVSTER:   Then again, their level of difficulty is much higher than the Dutch.

DAR:  You are my sexy little Mexican.

EVSTER:  You wanna go boink?

DAR:  You know I do.

EVSTER:  Should I put on my Speedo?

DAR:  Yes.

EVSTER:  Okay, but this time I get to be the East German coach and you're the diver who refuses to dedicate herself.

DAR:  Ik bin ein very very bad.


Triple Lindy. 

It seems like the key to all of these events that are scored by judges is just to attempt something with a ridiculously high level of difficulty. Even when the athletes screw up, they get really high scores. If I were a diver, I'd attempt the hardest dive everrrrrrr.

ALEX FLANAGAN:  For Evan's next dive, he's going to attempt a 47-flipper into a double pike, while making a chicken enchilada.

TED ROBINSON:  Very difficult.

ALEX FLANAGAN:  And he's going to use organic chicken that he got this morning from a farmer's market just outside of North London.

TED ROBINSON:  Guacamole, orrr...???

ALEX FLANAGAN:  No guacamole, the avocados were not ripe. They were just not ripe. Here he goes.

EVSTER takes a deep breath and raises his arms to reveal an enormous amount of deodorant clumped in his armpits. He gathers himself, jumps off the platform and immediately loses his grip of the various produce, cutting boards and cooking accessories. Everything flies into the air in every possible direction, a humongous splash is heard followed by shrieking and ambulance sirens.

ALEX FLANAGAN:  Absolute shit-dive, but the level of difficulty was a 53.8, so that'll keep Evan in medal contention, just in front of the Chinaman who is now going to attempt a quadruple double pike salchow while doing long division.

C'mon Gaylord!

C'mon Rowdy.

Swimming is no different, a sport where I consider the Side-Stroke to be my specialty. According to Rowdy Gaines, Lanes 1 and 8 should be the fastest lanes because of their calm water, but I don't think one swimmer has won from those lanes ... which is strange, because a few weeks ago I went swimming in the ocean and almost drowned nine different times because of a lack of calm water. However, because I "breathe to my right," I was able to spot the ice cream guy on the beach and catch him in time to get fourteen two Chipwiches.

Just kinda throwing this out there ... is finding where your family is sitting on the beach after swimming in the ocean the hardest thing to do in this world? That should be an Olumpic event. Olumpics? Olympics. Maybe they should have the Olumpics -- and an event where people swim around for an hour, go boogie boarding, pee all over the place, and then a whistle blows telling them they have to get out of the water and find their flip flops.

Why do we need to be experts on every sport? Can't we just sit back and enjoy sports for what they are? A bunch of really nice-looking people doing stuff that we can't. Watching a baseball game these days is excruciatingly painful because the announcers don't ever shut up. And baseball is like the easiest game to follow. One of my million-dollar ideas is to create a setting on your TV that mutes the announcers, but keeps the sounds of the game, so that it's like you're actually at the ballpark. You'll still be able to hear the chatter of the fans, the peanut guy, the pop of the catcher's mitt when the ball reaches the plate ... just without Tim McCarver telling us that he once shared a ham sandwich with Steve Carlton.

For the record, I'm also an expert in parenting -- even though I have a grand total of zero children -- and can confidently state that gymnastics parents are the craziest people on the planet. The question is, who are the craziest gymnastics parents? Is it Aly Reisman's parents or Danell Leyva's?

Reisman's folks' reaction to her balance beam performance was clearly one of the weirdest things I've ever witnessed, but I think that Leyva's father's forehead-kiss ear-grab clapping-fit is straight-up insane. Plus, Leyva's got that weird lucky blanket/beach towel that he drapes over his shoulder, so I'm giving the nod to Mr. and Mrs Leyva.

Of course, Phelpsy's mom is also in the discussion, but I think she's just more of an attention-lover than a weirdo. Also kinda strange that none of the Phelps women ever have a fella with them? Just sayin.

Totally normal.

This person looks well-adjusted.

And then there's this guy!

Also an expert on Judo, a sport that I watched for the first time yesterday and am now convinced is just a glorified tripping competition. Every Judo person has one move -- the "I'm gonna stick my leg behind yours and try to push you over" -- the same move that every middle school kid has mastered. I think they should have a Judo doubles competition where your partner runs around and crouches behind your opponent and you shove them over -- lowbridge-style. See? Right there, I can't just watch Judo, I'm already thinking of how to improve it ... a sport that's been around for 1,400 years, I feel the need to improve.

Olympic Trampoline starts tonight.

Now that's a sport that we're all experts in.

I have no idea what that means.

And now for the music that I would choose to accompany my floor exercise routine.

Have you seen this Super Colds video yet? You HAVE to watch it. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out the Phelps kids from back in the diz.