Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Wheel of Fortune: the Greatest Ep of All Time

Don't stop, git it, git it!

The most commonly asked question I get from TVMWW readers is:

"Evan, how are you able to write an entire blog with your head jammed firmly inside your own rectum?"

And to that I say, it's not easy! But it's the only way I know.

The second most commonly asked question I get is:

"What's with the Pat Sajak/Wheel of Fortune stuff?"

The short answer: Pat Sajak's a baller.

The longer answer is that when my wife and I first moved in together, she used to put on Wheel of Forch after work because it's television's equivalent to adult contemporary music. Easy to watch. Sort of retarded. Zero Alex Trebek.

Here's what I wrote about WoF last year:

Wheel of Fortune is so relaxing and mindless and the perfect buffer between a long day of work and the riveting reality television of prime time. It's happy people clapping and having a nice time and potentially winning thousands of dollars that will undoubtedly be spent on either cocaine or lollipops.

Is it 7:30 yet? Get my agent! Garcon, two caesar salads! SHut uP KARL!

So seeing as I hadn't watched Wheel of Forch in quite time, I decided to tune in last night, which just so happened to be the greatest episode in Wheel of Forch history.

The show started off in typical Wheel of Forch fashion with Vanna being escorted on stage by Pat, his hand guiding her on the small of her back, soft enough to relay that he's not a threat, but firm enough to tell her that he could impregnate her womb at any mome.

The first Toss Up round (and the second) is won by Jed Firestone, a typical white person. Jed tells Pat that he's an Account Executive who likes biking and playing beach bocce ball. Pat responds by saying, "Beach bocce ball? Is that a thing?" and when Jed responds, "Yeah," Pat cuts him off and says, "I don't really care, I just like saying Beach bocce ball. BeachBocceBall. Beebahcheeball."

Sarah is next, a soon-to-be-married teacher from Chicago. She's skinny, wears glasses and is sort of hot, but after discussing how nervous she is for her students to adjust to her impending name change, I realize that I hate her guts.

NEXT. IS. KARLA!

Karla's a TOTAL MILF and tells Pat that she recently started taking belly dancing classes. I LOVE HER. She's from SoCal and has clearly had some work done, but not so much that she now looks like a Maloof. Karla also admits to Pat that he was her first crush, to which Pat responds, "There's still a little bit of that left, isn't there?" Karla nods. I wouldn't be surprised if she's pregnant by the end of the show.

The next round's category is "THING" which helps absolutely no-one. After Jed the White Guy screams, "S!" and there are none, Karla follows up by screaming "S!". There are still none. I'm sad for her.

Sarah then goes on to win the puzzle and I mumble under my breath that I hate her.

"You only like Karla 'cause she's a slut," my wife says.

"Yes."

I had no idea how to find a picture of Karla,
so I googled "Karla Wheel of Fortune" and this popped up!

During the next round (which also starts with an "S!"), Karla lands on Bankrupt. We're now ten minutes into the show and she hasn't done shit. Jed goes onto land on the ONE MILLION DOLLAR thingie, to which my wife explains that he can only win if he wins this round and the final round AND picks out the envelope with the $1,000,000 jawn. I wonder if anyone has ever done that.

A quick YouTube search reveals this:




Sarah ends up winning the round.

During the next round (is there another word for round? segment?), Karla starts off amd guesses an "N!" and there are no Ns!

HOW ARE THERE NO Ns?!?! In the last two sentences I typed there were like FORFTEEN Ns!

THIS IS BULLNSHINTS!

Jed is KILLIN' IT, racking up some cash and a trip to somewhere and all he has to do is solve this puzzle:

_ O _ L D     _ I D E   SMASH-HIT   MUSICAL

Jed guesses a "P!"

NO!

Sarah guesses a "B!"

NO!

KARLA'S GOT A CHANCE TO STEAL THIS ISHT!

AND SHE DOES!

WORLD WIDE SMASH-SHIT MUSICAL, YO!

Karla wins a trip to NYC and a hug from Pat!

WATCH OUT NOW!

Karla goes on to win the next round as well, winning a $3,000 Toss Up and goes into the final segment  with the lead. For those of you still reading (what's up Millrood!), the scoreboard currently looks like this:

Jed the White Person: $3,000
Sarah the Trick-ass Ho: $4,350
KARLA aka the Next Notch on Sajak's Belt: $7,855!

The bell signals that Pat will give the wheel one final spin (with his dork) and after landing on $600 and playing a little game of cat and mouse with Karla, SHE ENDS UP WINNING THAT SHIT TOO!

KARLA GOING TO THE FINAL RIZZOUND!

Pat shows Karla where to stand for the Final with his hand around her waist. You can smell the sexual tension. Vanna looks PISSED. Pat looks CALM. Karla looks WET. Clearly bothered, Karla requests her final letters to be C, B, M and A, and gets NO HELP WHATSOEVER!

She has no chance at the final puzzle. The buzzer sounds, Pat consoles her and the rest as they say is Hisdorkinherpoonpie.

During the post-game interview with Vanna, Pat reveals that his daughter Maggie has a new song out on iTunes, which will now be brought to you exclusively by TVMWW.

WHAT A COUNTRY!





LET IT BE KNOWN, TONIGHT ON TLC IS THE SEASON PREMIER OF VIRGIN DIARIES. IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE. I CANNOT RECOMMEND WATCHING THIS SHOW ENOUGH. WATCH IT WATCH IT WATCH IT.

Orrrrrrrrrrr, check out this village in the cliffs of Ladakh, India.

6 comments:

  1. christian laets and clyde the glide are NOT on that tee shirt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeromio, your comment is referring to a link on a DIFFERENT blogpost.

      GET YOUR ISHT TOGETHER.

      Regarblebss, pretty sure that shirt was made PRIOR to their addition to the squad ... if you remember, they named 10 of the 12 Dream Teamers before the '92 season, then added one collegian and one pro (Clyde) after he earned his way onto the squad (Portland made the 92 finals, Glide was a beast and I now own the entire set of Trailblazers Dairy Queen collectible glasses).

      GET AT ME DAWG!

      Delete
  2. google or from memory?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bach recap pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee

    ReplyDelete
  4. http://i.imgur.com/mZr5lDl.gif

    ReplyDelete