Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachelorette Finale: Breaking Down the Schwee-schwoop


Diet soda? Whaddayou think?
Iced tea? Unsweetened with lemon?


If you asked me three months ago, "How many Fs would a man named Jeff need to capture Emily’s heart?" I would’ve said two … but apparently no, JUST THE ONE F is all you need!

In one of the most shocking developments in reality television history, Emily chose a man who blow-dries his hair to be her future husband. 

Emily has clearly accepted Je despite his lack of Fs (possibly even embraced it?), but now that the happy couple has stepped out of the television and into reality, will she really be able to deal with the fact that her fiancé has a Schwee-schwoop hairstyle?

One assumes that this morning – the first morning that Emily and Je ever spent together – Emily witnessed firsthand Je blow-drying his hair. Following his shower, Je probably took his place at the sink, broke out his trusty T3 Tourmaline Evolution and went to work. 

I can only imagine the look of horror on Emily’s face.


Just the T3 Tourmaline Evolution. Not that big of a deal. 
Wittttthhhhhhh attachment.

And c'mon with the rolled up pants!
Nice balls though ... or, ball.


I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a grown man blow-dry his hair, but I have, and it’s not pretty. The man I saw was an 85-year-old dude named Sheldon who goes to my gym. The key word there is “goes to”, because I’m not sure if Sheldon does anything at the gym other than going to it. That’s not true, he takes around 43 showers a day. Sheldon is ALWAYS in the locker room, just strutting around as naked as a llama, occasionally with a towel over his right shoulder covering up absolutely nothing. It’s almost insulting that Sheldon even carries a towel, because he’s never used it. He certainly uses talcum powder though. I fucking love that man.

Well one day after getting out of a particularly wet shower, Sheldon was standing buck-nekk at the sink and combing his hair with the smallest, blackest comb. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, because A) I have problems and B) he has the most delicious little raisin-ass. But then Sheldon grabbed a blow dryer and put on a blow-drying clinic.

Sheldon proceeded to dry every spot on his body -- his head, his neck, down to his belly, a little shot to the back of the thighs, all perfectly understandable and acceptable spots. But then Sheldon went X Games on that ass. He took his foot – his little, wrinkled, flapjack of a foot – and propped that bad boy up on the sink (Sheldon’s very agile for an octogenarian, VERY agile). He then proceeded to zorp his grundles, blasting ‘em from every conceivable angle, right in front of a live studio audience.

What Sheldon did with that blow-dryer was totally disgusting, but sort of amazing. What Je does with a blow-dryer is a disgrace to the male gender.


Sheldon's even older than Tark, if that helps you at all with the mental picture.

I mean, really, how can Emily live with herself knowing that her fiancé has a Schwee-schwoop?!

How does one even produce a Schwee-schwoop?

What goes into the Schwee-schwoop?!

Clearly there’s a hairbrush involved. Could be one of those plastic comb jawns with the gigantic teeth that also make for fantastic back scratchers. Or Je could use one of those flat mega-brushes that you might also use on a horse or a very insecure Jewish pre-teen. I actually think Je uses a roll-brush (y’know, the ones that look like a frozen banana that’s been dropped in the dirt), which allows him to produce both the maximum schwee and schwoop.

As far as technique, I’m thinkin’ Je probably starts with an upward motion, pushing his hair high up towards the sky and then follows with a left to right arc, as if he were a Flamenco dancer announcing himself to the audience. He prolly finishes with a flick of the wrist, maybe a French flutter-twist, rolling his follow-through for optimal schwoop. There might be more to it – possibly some rollers – but I guess that’s what makes Je so mysterious. I’m also curious to know where he learned about the Schwee-schwoop. I’ve never known anyone from Utah not to have the exact same haircut as Jef Hornacek.

Two Fs for this guy, please.

Je told Emily’s dad that he’s very olde-fashioned, because nothing screams olde-fashioned like skinny jeans, skate boarding and a Schwee-schwoop. But what must Emily’s dad (AND BROTHER, ERNIE, HOLY SHIT HOW ABOUT THAT GUY? ROBOBROTHER.) think of the Schwee-schwoop? What’s gonna happen the first time Je joins them for a fishing trip?

MID-OCTOBER IN WEST VIRGINIA

Je, Emily and Ricki are visiting the Maynards for Columbus Day Weekend. (Is Columbus Day Weekend in October? It should be.) Ricki sits on the kitchen floor talking to a potato. Emily’s Dad and Ernie sit at the table, eating Wheaties, waiting for Je to finish getting ready.

Emily enters. Her titties look as if someone had been suckin' on them all night.

EMILY'S DAD, LET'S CALL HIM FRED:  Hey honey, you sure do look purtty. Where’s Jef? We’re supposed to head out on the boat at 8am.

EMILY:  Oh, he’ll be down in a sec. He’s just blow-drying his hair.

FRED MAYNARD:  Sorry, he’s what?

EMILY:  He’s blow-drying his hair.

ERNIE:  Um, Em-ull-lee. I’m sorry. Did you say that young man who plans to marry you is blow-drying his hair?

EMILY:  Yeah, he goes with the Schwee-schwoop.

FRED MAYNARD:  NOT IN MY GODDAMN HOUSE!


ERNIE:  He’s been blow-drying his hair for 45 minutes.

EMILY:  He likes it really dry. 



Shirt so tucked in.

I’m not saying Arie’s hair was any better. In fact, I kinda think Arie’s hair might’ve been worse, but he certainly doesn't use no stinkin' blow-dryer. 

I was actually sort of impressed by how Arie took the news when a woman ripped his heart out on national television.

Did you notice that in the scene where Emily crushed every fiber of Arie’s being, that you could actually see the precise moment when he realized she was dumping him? It was like he was listening and thinking, “What’s wrong? Did something happen to Jef? Is Ricki okay? Does my love potion smell like Ernie? It smells like Ernie, doesn’t it? Dammit, why would I make a love potion that smells like … ohhhhhhhhhh, she’s crushing my soul and mashing my heart. That’s what’s going on here. She’s telling me that I’m not as good as that other guy. The guy who blow-dries his hair. The guy who took a totally normal name and made a mockery of it on national television. He doesn't even understand semantics. I need to go do some cocaine.

What made it even worse was that EVERYONE (meaning the entire viewing audience) knew besides Arie. And you just had to sit there and watch this poor man figure out that this lady preferred a man with a Schwee-schwoop. Sad.

And then poor Neil Lane -- a man who has probably made love to hundreds of women while blow-drying their assholes -- had to give away a perfectly beautiful engagement ring to a man with a Schwee-schwoop! I'm sorry, Neil. I'm sorry that you had to go through that!

So now what?

Now our Monday nights are freed up, Arie will lose about fifteen pounds through constant diarrhea and Emily'll head back to Charlotte with a man who needs to wake up 45 minutes earlier than he should.

Oh!

And they're planning on going to Africa to help people build huts!

YOU CAN'T EVEN FIND WATER ON THAT CONTINENT LET ALONE A PLACE TO CHARGE YOUR T3 EVOLUTION!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY TOGETHER!

NO I DON'T!

RICKI'S PRETTY GOOD AT DOING BACK FLIPS THOUGH!

SO THERE'S THAT!







I am so so so so so happy that my Monday nights are free again ... free to watch other television shows. The wife and I actually started watching Breaking Bad this week. It's amazing. You know what else is amazing? This dog watermelon eating contest. 

16 comments:

  1. I never watched one episode. I love one F's image.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never watched one episode. I love one F's image.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YOU STILL LOVE IT?

      HE'S STILL GOT ONLY ONE!

      Delete
  3. I never watched one episode. I love one F's image.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The finale was the only episode I watched all season and I do agree the Rickster is a badass in the poolio...

    I'm sorta crushing on Arie though...does that make me a lame-o?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Quintessential girl feeling sorry for guy who had his heart ripped apart on national television.

      Let it be known that I have a friend named Mandy who we call Mandlebaum / Chickenbaum / Chicken / Chickie / Ricky / Chickster / Rickster. She is also a pretty decent swimmer.

      Delete
  5. YESSSSS you need to start blogging Breaking Bad. Some fucked up stuff happens on that show, like GoT. I think my fave was when some methhead smashed her lover's head to smithereens with an ATM! You can't make this shit up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are only 5 eps into season 1 of Breaking Bad so I didn't finish reading your comment and am terrified that it gives something away.

      NO SPOILERS LADY!

      Delete
    2. #spoileralert

      sorryyyyyy. it doesn't ruin anything though, don't fret.

      Delete
    3. I've been known to fret!

      I'm a fretter!

      Delete
  6. If you Google "is Emily Maynard's" three of the four suggested ways to finish that sentence are:

    is emily maynard's daughter special needs
    is emily maynard's daughter autistic
    is emily maynard's daughter mentally challenged

    But nobody answers the question. Well is she?? I need to know!!!!!!!! She was sporting a fanny pack in the finale, but I doubt she dresses herself so that is not as definitive as I would like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I FULLY SUPPORT SPECIAL NEEDS KIDS (IN FACT, I WAS A SPECIAL ED TEACHER FOR THREE YEARS, SQUEARIOUSLY) AND I AM NOT TRYING TO MAKE FUN OF LITTLE RICKSTER, BUT LITTLE RICKSTER IS DEFINITELY A LITTLE RICKSTERED IFYAKNOWWHAIMEAN.

      Delete
  7. This Jimmy Kimmel Bachelorette in 30 Seconds Skit is probably the best way to sum up the season...speaking of Rickster: http://www.hulu.com/watch/383562.

    ReplyDelete