Monday, July 30, 2012

Olympics: Weekend Recap with Lots of Pictures for People who Don't Like to Read Stuff

Fencing is so weird and amazing
and I don't talk about it at all in this post which is just WRONG.

Andy Cohen pretty much ruined the word "obsessed."

Because of his "Three Things that I'm Obsessed With," every woman aged 7-49'er is now obsessed with the word obsessed. Some girl at work told me the other day that she was obsessed with grapefruit ... grapefruit .... you're not obsessed with grapefruit, lady, you like grapefruit, it's fun to smell, and it's the only fruit to have its own spoon, but you're not eating it with every meal.

The Olympics on the other hand ... my wife is straight-up obsessed. This past weekend we had olympics for breakfast, lunch, and I even ate my wife's one-piece bathing suit for dessert ifyaknowwhaimean. 

What I mean is that I ate five donuts this weekend in honour of the Olympic rings. We also had an opening ceremonies party, complete with:

double-TV action:

Futbol on the left, Willie Geist talkin' about some isht on the right.

and this guy:

Nasty Nate. No chance he ever makes an olympic squad,
because he's honestly the tubbiest baby of all time.
Also, peep that birdhouse in the background. My father made that jawn.

So in honor of my wife's obsession, let's recap the opening weekend of the Olymps.

Dumbest Event: 

The Pommel Horse

Essentially, all these guys are doing here is walking on their hands. Not that that's not difficult, it is, but it's borrrrriiinnngggggg, and I've seen guys without legs who are wayyyyyy better at pommel horsing than these guys. Granted, they can't jump (at all), but I still enjoy watching them squirm around. 

And how much better would the pommel horse be if they used an actual horse?!?! Even a dead horse. They could do so many more moves, like hang from the horse's neck, or surf on the horse. I've always wanted to surf on a horse.

This guy knows what I'm talking about!

Now that's certainly 

Best Olympic Moment So Far:

I've got a two-way tie here between Senegal's football goal celebration and the Team USA basketball team getting in line to hug Michelle Obama.

For the record, the second dumbest event is the Floor Exercise. It used to be awesome! But now it's just ladies walking around, pointing at stuff and doing the French Flutter-Foot. I have NO DOUBT that Moussa Konate from Senegal would've won last night's Floor Exercise if he had entered.

Best Event that I Always Thought Might Be Awesome, But Now I Know is Totally Awesome:

Men's Team Volleyball

These guys are constantly smashing stuff. I also realized this weekend that the only characteristic that makes someone a good athlete in my mind is the ability to jump really high, and these guys can jump really high. Think about it, the basketball players who are considered the most athletic are LeBron, Blake Griff and Russell Westbreezy: guys who can jump really high. Carmelo, Chris Paul, Kevin Durant, yeah, they're good, but they can't jump really high. Based on this logic, you would think I'd really like the high jump, and I do, I just wish high jumpers would spike something or dunk something or eat something when they were in midair. Like a grapefruit.

Other events that are totally awesome include Archery, Fencing, Synchronized Diving, standing up on a swing naked with another naked person, and grapefruit.

Another fencing pic without talking about fencing!

Best Combo of Butts by Two Women Whose Butts Are So So So Different

Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jennings

Misty May has a boom-boom-boomer -- and I love it! I especially love the fact that her bathing suit gives a subtle glimpse of how white her butt would be if she didn't tan her butt. Kerri Walsh-Ken-Jennings on the other hand has the teeniest little pocketbook butt. I just wanna put my cellphone in it.

By the way! I've had enough of ladies hyphenating their last names, especially black ladies. Every black woman I've met in the last ten years has a hyphenated name. Do you know what this does to your children, black ladies??? And yes, I'm aware that Misty May and Kerri Walsh are two of the least-black women history has ever produced.

My wife would also argue that every member of the Senagalese football team has better butts than these two white ladies.

This is Senegal's assistant coach who my wife finds RIDICUROUSRY ATTRACTIVE.

Best Schwee-Schwoop

Ryan Seacrest!

David Becks gets the silver.

David Silver gets nothing.

Biggest Doucher

Ryan Lochte**, who is slightly more douchier than Tim Daggett, who totally ruined the suspense of a Chinese gymnast landing on his face by telling us that a Chinese gymnast was gonna land on his face!

I couldn't find the vid online, but this is certainly

I'm so obsessed with the Flutter-Foot.

How many Flutter-Foots can you count in this picture?
I have a boner!

Anybody else really into that Skrillex-type music? I don't even know what that means, but here's a link to 5 amazing football goals (with dope music) by my new favourite footballer, Kevin Prince Boateng, who also has amazing football hair. If you're not into that, checkkkkkkkkkkkkkk out this pretty picture of a seagull swimming in the sky. Or check out this hot dog. You're prolly gonna check out the hot dog.

**Evster's note: I just watched Ryan Lochte lose again and now I feel kinda sorry for him. He seemed sad in the interview, so I'd like to rescind calling him the biggest douche and give that honour to Bob Costas. Thank you for your understanding on this matter. PS I am gay.


  1. Check out this guy's unibrow

    1. I saw that guy!

      His uni'er was insane!

      Arriba arriba!

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