Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Bachelorette: the Men Tell All, Except for That Guy with the Long Straight Hair Who Didn't Say Isht

I know you're staring at Wolf's pants, but check out Stevie above him.
It looks like he's thinking about killing himself! 

Look, I recognize that I'm a lame-ass dude. Besides writing this blog-blog and being scared of heights, I've also been to two (yes, two) Cranberries concerts, I sort of like cats, and I used the words "adorable" and "adorbz" in two separate emails yesterday. HOWEVER, I have never (and will never) go to a live taping of The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All.

I counted four dudes in the crowd last night -- FOUR -- including a black guy!

And while I may be opposed to attending The Men Tell All, I am not opposed to watching it (even though last night's show went up against a USA Basketball game). So yesterday I settled in with my wife, an Entenmann's cake and my fish, Franck Ribery Jr., for two hours of first-grade dogshit.

My wife prefers the jawn with the marshmallow icing ...
but she doesn't understand simplicity!

Going in, I was pretty excited to see DJ Stevie, Tank Top Tony and Captain Clamballs (Doug), but after ten minutes, I wanted them all to die. And not like, "Ohhhh, these guys are sorry as shit, I want them to die, hahahaha lol lollz jaja lollers lollerpops!" Like, "I want these men to DIEEEE. I want them to be DEAD." I know that Tank Top Tony is a single father, but I think his son would be better off in this world without his single, slut face.

And obviously those feelings are harsh, but that's the way I felt after Stevie called a helicopter "a chopper" ... and after TTT ran and hugged Emily when she walked on stage ... and after Doug took a shit in his own mouth.

My anger only increased when Chris aka Ike Turner Jr. took the stage. I dunno what y'alllll thinks, but I thinks that dude is a future wife beater. Think about it, when Emily broke up with him, his first reaction was ANGER, not sadness. He's also VERY confrontational with everyone, he does NOT like to be challenged and he also kinda walks like he has an enormous rake jammed in his asshole. Have you noticed that? Do you even know what a person looks like when they try to walk with an enormous rake jammed in their asshole? I do. My Uncle Bruce got an enormous rake jammed in his asshole during our family picnic in '87. My Aunt Sheryl pleaded the fizz-ith.

It was nice to see Ryan again though, probably my favorite contestant on this show, ever. And how 'bout the fact that he went with a side-parted haircut?!?! Let it be known, parts are coming back. International footballers Cristiano Ronaldo and Sergio Ramos have been rockin' the part all summer, my friend Rart has a part (and syphilis), Don Drapes, Je ... parts are back baby!

Excuse me! I have a part!

I have an angry part!

I'm goin with the ole dipsy-do!

I don't know why everyone is so hard on my man, Ryan. Chris Harrison was being a little dick'ish to him last night, "Trust me folks, he's NOT the next Bachelor! Hahaha lollz lollers jaja!" Take a shit, Chris Harrisons! Yesterday, the Ry Guy said the smartest thing I've ever heard on this progrum. He said something like, and I'm paraphroovsing, "For me, the purpose of the show was not for Emily to find her husband, but for me to find my wife."

He wanted to see if Emily was right for HIM.

This should be a two-way street peoples!

I've been DYING for someone to say this for YEARS. Kind of like how Rebecca Howe was DYING for someone, ANYONE, to tell her that they "cared for her."

Robin Colcord!

Cheers people!

Another part!

Back to Chris Harrison. (And am I right? He was being a little dick'ish!) I can't tell if I like him or not. He's got a semi-decent personality and he sometimes cracks some good jokes (last night I did laugh when he offered Emily four dollars to do the Running Man ... that's funny ... FOUR DOLLARS), but he's also kind of a tweedle-dick.

My friends and I have a word for someone who's kind of cool, but also kind of a tweedle. It's a "Slasher," as in, "he's cool/he's a tweedle." He's a "slasher." Ryan Seacrest is the definition of a Slasher. So's Scott Disick and Andre Iguodala and anyone who gets really excited about using a Dutch Oven.

We don't have a word for dudes who go to Cranberries concerts.

I call them Hammercocks.

Team USA only won by 11 points last night! That's embarrassing! I kinda feel like Coach K has a really shafty starting lineup. My preferred go-to five is Deron Willy, Russell West, KDTrey, BronBron and Kevin Loveballs. Regardless, how amazing was this t-shirt back in the dizz? And this one?

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