Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Bachelorette: I Can't Believe She's Left With Those Two

Why is that column knocked over in the background? Did he kick it?
Is this a kicking competition?

There are a few different approaches you can take when watching a season of the Bachelorette.

You can:

1. become emotionally invested and root for the Bachelorette to choose the man who's best for her.

2. become emotionally invested and root for the fella who'd be best for you.

3. do shots of bleach before every episode.

4. allow a giant rat to nibble your tits while watching.

5. turn yourself off emotionally and root for the dickwads.

Normally, I'm partial to a #3/#4/#5 combo, but for the sake of this post -- and the fact that I think Emily made a HUGE mistake by sending Sean home last night -- I'm gonna analyze why I think Sean would've made the best stepfather for that little girl who may or may not have a speech impediment.

And yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes I know, I know, I know ... Sean is an INSURANCE SALESMAN ... but I stand by what I just wrote.

Before I get to Sean, let's break down why Je and Arie are totally WRONG for Emily.





How could you possibly go through your whole life like, "Oh hey, this is my husband, Jef. Yeah, he spells it with one F. No, just the one. That's it. That's all he needs. I know, I know, it's weird, right? But I love him! What can I say?!?! Please fucking kill me."

Even if Emily learned to live with just the one F (WHICH IS ASKING A LOT) and focused on Je's positive qualities (like his sense of humor), it would only take them so far. Making someone laugh doesn't mean shit after one year of marriage. I do not know one married woman who still finds her husband funny.

"Hey honey, could you pick up your socks off the living room floor? The Hartleys are coming over for dinner tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow night? I can't do tomorrow night."

"Why not?"

"I've gotta take a dump tomorrow night."

"I hate you."

Also, how bout Je having the nerve to ask Emily, "Why didn't it work out with you and the other men you've dated?"

"Hmmmm, I dunno Je, maybe because my fiancé DIED IN A FUCKING PLANE CRASH. I'm not sure why it didn't work out. I really thought my dead fiancé's corpse would be there for me in the long haul, but then we buried him in the ground and maggots starting eating him, and I just had to move on."

I'm embarrassed to admit I've never actually seen Weekend at Bernie's start to finish.

Arie's no better.

That guy has no perspective on how great his life currently is.

He said last night that "the worst part about living alone is the fact that you have to live alone," spoken like a true man who does not live with a 6-year-old girl. I live TWO DOORS DOWN from a 6-year-old boy who spent last night PRETENDING HE WAS CAMPING next to my house. Because my wife wanted to have the windows open, I had to listen to Little Zachary talk to himself for three hours about hot dogs while he played make-believe that he was sitting by a stupid campfire in the Poconos.

Arie, when you live alone, you can do WHATEVER you want. You can turn on the air conditioning to super-dooper-blaster-cool, you can leave your socks ANYWHERE, you can watch television shows that DO NOT feature Teresa Giudice, and you can find women on Craigslist to have PHONE SEX with them ALL THE TIME!

Does he know how good he has it?!

Last night while he and Emily were sucking each other's mouths, there was a fucking dolphin doing flips and shit in the background and he was all, "whoaaa, that dolphin did a fucking flip," but he shoulda freaked out because that isht was insane! Do you know how many whale watching trips I've been on with my family where we didn't see jack? I barfed on like every boat! That dolphin didn't need to do those flips! You think it's every day that a friggin' dolphin goes out for a swim and is like, "Y'know what? I'm gonna do some fucking flips today," and then goes out and does 'em? Arie doesn't appreciate shit. He doesn't appreciate his freedom, he doesn't appreciate a back-flipping dolphin and he certainly doesn't appreciate Greg Fucking Louganis!

What if Ricki were with them and was like, "Holy shit Arie! Did you see that fucking dolphin do a fucking flip?!" Arie woulda been like, "Yeah, that was cool. Let's go out to dinner."

Google Image Search: "Dolphin Flip"

Finally to Sean, who is not the perfect guy that everyone thinks he is, but he's the best fit for Emily's lifestyle.

Just for a sec, forget about the fact that Sean doesn't know how to kiss, and that he may be a virgin, and that he'll probably die of skin cancer at a very early age (why don't these folks use sunscreen?!), and that he sells insurance, and focus on the positives.

Sean -- like Emily -- is a God-fearing person, which is important for weirdos from the South. (Calling them "weirdos" isn't nice. There's nothing wrong with fearing God. I apologize.) Sean also understands that a step-father is no different from a father-father, quite possibly the sweetest and smartest thing anyone has said during this seez. Plus, Kensington Cottage is seriously the dopest place ever for a 6-year-old girl. Now I don't know if Sean's niece would welcome Ricki into her home, but if Sean ever wanted to buy Ricki her own cottage, I'm pretty sure he could get a fantastic insurance rate.

He was also the only guy who wasn't totally ga-ga-for-Emily-here-let's-cuddle-under-this-blanket-and-rub-each-other's-fingers after the first two weeks. His statement after last week that he was "excited about where this was going" was perfectly acceptable for someone who had only been on a few dates with another person. I can GUA-RAWN-TEE that the producers of the Bach made him write that lame-ass letter to Ricki and forced him to "open his heart" to Emily. In fact, TVMWW has gained EXCLUSIVE access to Sean's original letter to Ricki (that was confiscated by producers from the Bach).

Dear Ricki,

I'm writing this letter to you in a blatant attempt to have sex with your mother. I know you're young and you don't quite understand what sex is, so it's probably best that I explain it to you. Sex is when a man sticks his panini into a woman's va-joob-joob. It is the only thing that people (and animals) truly want to do in this world. When you see a dolphin doing fucking flips and shit, it's because he's trying to show off for some lady dolphin. I'm a virgin. That means that I've never had sex. Do you have any idea what it's like to work in an insurance office? I work with this guy Carl whose had a runny nose for the better part of 6 months. Every day I sit at my desk and hope that someone will call me on the telephone so I can talk to them about insurance. Please tell your mom you like me best. I will buy you/get your mom to buy you a cottage. Please help me. Please and thank you. He constantly has to blow his nose. It's unbelievable.




That's the type of honesty and integrity that Emily needs in a father and a husband.

The other guy spells his name with one stinkin' F for cryin' out loud.


He'll be aight.

This weekend I'm running a 5K mud run with my wife and some of her friends. I have no idea why I'm doing this, I don't even know what a mud run is. Check out this picture of a mud run. Or check out this postcard from Major Mudd. I don't know who Major Mudd is, but that's an amazing name.


  1. I knew I could count on you to analyze effed up name spellings.

  2. I can't believe you're so gay. Tuf Mudder? C'mon!

    1. I'm scurred of the Tuf Mudder!

      I pulled my hammy in a softball game last night rounding third!

  3. This is the best blog I've ever read in my life. Have linked all friends and prospective beaus.

    1. Thanks Amy E.

      Please also send links to pics of all your friends getting pedicures.

      Thanks again.