Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Bachelorette: Giving Out Awards in Honor of Sean's Stupid Football Trophies

Get ready to meet the most Polish person ever. 

I missed the BET Awards last Sunday night because my wife was watching the U.S. Olympic Trials (quite possibly the most erotic thing to air on TV since Kate and Allie), so to satisfy my craving for awards shows and because I couldn't think of a decent thread for this blog post, let's dish out some awards from last night's hometown dates.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY SOMEONE WHILST HOLDING A LOADED FIREARM

and the nominees are:

- Je
- Emily
- Polish Dad (I'm referring to his enormous Polish dong)
- Arie Luyendyk, Sr. (I'm referring to his devastating Dutch dork)

Tough call here, but I'm going with Polish Dad, the sweetest man to ever kill another human being with his bare hands. (Polish Dad seems like a kind, humble immigrant, but don't let him fool you -- he's a stone cold killer. That's what Polish immigrants do. They kill people. For example, Ron Jaworski, he's a fucking assassin. He'll throw a football right between your fucking face. That's not even a thing, but Jaws does it. It's just what Polish immigrants do. Get over it.)

I also don't really know what actual Polish people look like, but Polish Dad was the most Polish-looking person I've ever seen.

Which leads to the obvious segue, are Polish people the most underrated people on the planet?

After conducting a thorough brainstorm, my answer is yes.

Check it out:

Pierogies

I will straight up fuck a pierogi in the butt.

This Polish War Eagle Thing that's Tattooed on this Guys' Arm

The eagle's wearing a little crown!

The aforementioned Jaws

Right between your fucking face!

Polka

He's got dumps like a truck, truck, truck, thighs like what, what, what ...

Polka Dots

She's eating a plant!

Pole Vault

That lady is going to jam that stick into the ground and then launch her twat into the air.
TOP THAT DENMARK!

Have you ever thought about how awesome Pole Vaulting is? "Heyyyy, I'm gonna run with this giant stick, then I'm gonna jam the stick into the ground, and then I'm gonna launch myself 20 feet in the air and land in a giant, mushy bean-bag ... oh, and I'm gonna do all this while wearing a REALLY erotic outfit."

We're getting off track, you wanna hear about the show, so blah blah blah, let's talk about Je and Emily.

ONE MORE THING ABOUT POLE VAULTING ... THEY JAM THE STICK INTO THE GROUND ... IT'S NOT LIKE THEY JAM IT INTO SOME SORT OF TRAMPOLINE ... IT'S JUST A STRAIGHT JAM-JOB AND THEN BOINNNGGGGGG.

Gotta admit that was an amazing move by Je to show Emily his rancher side. Dune buggy rides, shotgun blasting, I was kinda expecting Karl Malone to show up for some late afternoon fly fishing. I honestly don't know what fly fishing is. AND WHO THE HELL BRINGS A HANDGUN ON A DATE?

"Let's see, let's see, big date today. Okay, got my wallet? Check. Comb? Gum? Check check. Double-barrelled shotgun and pellet launcher? Checks. Immodium pills so I don't shit my pants at my brother's bbq? Che... oh my God! My handguns! I totally forgot my his and her matching handguns! I wanna show Emily that I can shoot stuff! Like cute deers! Like cute, fuzzy, adorable deers, right in between their adorable eyes like my idol Ron Jaworsk!"

When I was in the game (the dating game, not the pole vault game), one of my moves was to bring scratch-off tickets on dates. At some point, I'd break 'em out and be like, "Look, scratch-off tickets," and the girl would get excited 'cause scratch-off tickets are dope and then she'd scratch 'em off and we'd lose, but before we'd lose we'd share around 45 seconds of unparalleled anticipation where we'd make a pact that if we won a million dollars we'd share the riches/go get pierogies. I also once brought a glow-in-the-dark frisbee on a date that GLOWED IN THE DARK. I've never shot a gun (but I'd like to).

NEXT AWARD!

Look how much this computer-animated dog loves this fucking glow-in-the-dark frisbee!

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP

and the nominees are:

- Sean's dogs
- Arie's teenage twin brothers
- Chris's Polish family
- Arie's mom's wrinkled, sun-damaged cleavage

I really wish I could give this one to Sean's dogs -- they did a great job walking around and smelling stuff, but they frankly disappeared during the picnic scene. Were they off smelling stuff? They must've been off smelling stuff.

The winner of this award is actually Arie's teenage twin brothers, for no other reason than they had matching haircuts that were parted in OPPOSITE directions. I have never, EVER, seen that from a group of twins. I've seen orthodox Jewish twins with different yarmulkes and slutty incestual twins sucking each other's toes in Hustler, but never anything like that. Europeans are such trailblazers.

Chris Harrison and Arie's ex-girlfriend and the rest of the Bach producers really dropped the ball on this one. How did those teenage twin bros not get more airtime? Are you telling me they weren't popping massive teenage boners when Emily sat cross-legged next to them? Are you telling me America wouldn't wanna see that? Are you telling me America wouldn't wanna see a boner competition between those twins and Sean's dogs? Who the hell has ever even watched Kate and Allie?!?!

BEST HOUSE

nominees, please:

- Je's brother's ranch
- Sean's parents' place including a VERY nicely manicured lawn
- Kensington Cottage
- Poland

And look at that little Adirondack chair!

No brainer, Kensington Cottage. That place was so friggin' insane that I almost forgot how dumb the name Kensington was. IT HAD AN AIR CONDITIONING UNIT IN IT! Now I've never been a 6-year-old girl (that statement has some truth to it), but I imagine that a place like Kensington Cottage is THE ULTIMATE playhouse for a dumb, little girl. AND IT'S TEMPERATURE CONTROLLED.

That's like the equivalent of a 6-year-old dickbag having his very own WWF wrestling ring in his garage. If I had one of those, I would've dressed up in little Polish pole vaulting outfits, blasted Run DMC intro music and wrestled with myself (and my brother's Hustler mags) for hours and hours. I cannot begin to tell you how much I miss my brother's old Hustler mags.

In my internet sleuthing, I actually found Sean's sister's blog (complete with more pics of Kensington Cottage and also a couple bikini pics of Sean's sister).

BEST QUALITY OF A SUITOR'S FAMILY

nominoms ploms:

- the Polish people's ability to hide on the back deck / stay quiet for the entire evening leading up to their polka party
- Sean's dad's shorts
- The amount of hot dog buns at Je's brother's bbq
- the amount of Polish people in Chris's family

In a major upset, it's Je's brother's incredible amount of hot dog buns! Did you see how many buns there were? I don't even know why that's a good thing, but there were so many buns! And they weren't even good buns -- it looked like they had split tops as opposed to potato rolls. Can you not get potato rolls in Utah? Are you telling me Karl Malone doesn't eat potato rolls? Glow-in-the-dark frisbeeeee!!!


Lemme see that booty go, that thong-tha-thong-thong-thong!


Hey, are you following my goddamn fish, Franck Ribery Jr, on Twitter? If not, do so now! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this awesome old cottage cheese poster.

7 comments:

  1. FYI Polka is a Chech folk dance and not a Polish one.

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    Replies
    1. Well, while we're correcting people ... pretty sure it's Czech.

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  2. Did you know I was a pole vaulter in high school AND I just bought cottage cheese last night? Boinnnngggggg!

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  3. Dude, Je's totally got it in the bag.

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    Replies
    1. SHE CAN'T POSSIBLY TAKE THAT DUDE SERIOUSLY

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