Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Bachelorette: See Ya Later Allejandro's Nips


What you know 'bout Kennett Square, Pennsylvania?!

Adios “there for the right reasons,” there’s a new saying that’s getting airtime on the Bachelorette: “I want to find someone who I can give myself completely to.”

Now I have no idea what this saying means, or why someone would want to give him or herself completely to another person (unless they’re into bondage, and then I totally get it). 

So in honor of this new phrase sweeping Bachelorette Nation, and the fact that I’m way into bondage the NBA Finals, the Euro2012 soccer tournament and more bondage, let’s break down last week’s episode with the help of some famous sports quotes.

“There’s only one place I’d rather be, French Lick.” 

Larry Boid’s speech to the Boston faithful was sincere and honest and heartfelt (all of the horseshit qualities that these suitors claim to be looking for), while the dudes on this show continue to rattle off absolute dogshit with the hopes of one day French licking Emily’s HELLO!

Sean (who my wife thinks might be a virgin) told Emily that their day in London together WAS THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE.

Now I like London. In fact, I lurve London. It’s a wonderful place filled with amazing museums and interesting looking people with dipsy-do haircuts and funny accents, but if I had to list the top five days of my life, eleven of them would involve having sex with a woman, and Sean did NOT have sexual relations with that woman, Miss LeMaynard!

Just in case anyone was wondering what the top 5 days of my life were, let’s go to the List-o-meter-3000:

Beep-oop-beep-beep-beep-oop-beep-beep.

Uh, Mr. Flarvendale, there's a fax for you.

Best Days of the Evster’s Life:

- the day that I got my first handjob

- the day that I gave my first handjob

- last week when I got a hot fudge brownie sundae

- any time that I've ever gotten a hot fudge brownie sundae

- obligatory mention of my wedding day to ensure that I'll get to sleep indoors tonight

- some stupid high school basketball game that I should really let go of at this point even though it did lead to my first handjob (received, not given)

- the time I got Johnny Blazed with my friend Larbage and ended up buying the entire collection of Monty Python's Flying Circus DVDs and then got a hot fudge brownie sundae

- the day that my brother and I spent together in London and paid two black prostitutes for sex (a hot fudge brownie sundae deluxe!)

- the time I fucked a dog (same day!)


GET IT GIRL!

My wife thinks Sean might be a virgin because he kisses like a virgin and is way into Jesus. I don’t know if he is, but I do know that if he and Emily ever decide to have children, they’re going to look like absolutely nothing like the black prostitutes that I enjoy paying for sex.


“I just tip my cap and call the Yankees my Daddy.”
Pedro Martinez, definitely not a virgin

“Ricki’s amazing … Ricki’s so special … how DARE you disrespect Ricki!” oh my God, shut up already. You guys sure you wanna be Ricki’s daddy? Cause I’m not so convinced that Ricki’s not reallllyyyyy “special” ifyaknawwhaimean. I’m not into making fun of retarded people, so if Ricki’s retarded, that’s really sad, but if she is, then maybe Kalon should still be in the mix. 


Meme courtesy of my man, BPDizzle,
who grew up with a three-legged dog that could run like a muhfugga.

Then there’s Doug, who FRIGGIN’ FREAKS OUT anytime anyone mentions his son, Austin (who’s probably in his school’s Drama Club ifyaknawwhaimean). And I’m not into making fun of gay 11-year-olds, so if Austin’s gay, that’s cool, but if he is, then maybe Doug needs to address his own sexuality ‘cause that dude is GAY. Even gayer than the black prostitutes in London’s East End (AND I SHOULD KNOW).

Can I call Doug gay on the Internet? Could I get sued for that? I mean, it’s not a bad thing; it’s just a little speculashe on my part. All the signs are there: muscles marinara, snitched on Kalon, is way into charity, “never makes the first move on a woman,” jerks off dudes,  … not that hard to figure out, folks.

Gotta pause for a second to mention that I’m currently eating some AMAZING falafel … my wife and I are actually trying to save money this month by bringing our lunch to work, so it’s stupid of me to admit that I’m doing this … BUT IT ONLY COST 5 BUCKS, HONEYBUNCH!

Also should take this time to address the whole Emily telling Kalon (who we call "Karl") to get the steppin' ... I thought she overreacted, but to be honest I was knuckle deep in some kale and artichoke dip during the scene and kinda zoned out.


 – that crazy Oklahoma State coach who wears a visor

Listen, Je is a nice guy. He wears interesting pants. He’s got the whole wispy hair thing going on, and that’s his thing, that’s totally his thing, and I support people who have things, but this guy is NOT A MAN.

First of allbs, he was scared to kiss Emily on the Ferris Wheel and talked NONSTOP throughout dinner. Also, HE’S A TOTAL TWEEDLEDICK.

By the by, I consider myself a man, not a very manly man, but a man nonetheless (I was bar mitzvahed after all), but I am TERRIFIED of Ferris Wheels.

Ryan’s a man. He’s an egotistical, delusional, wears-his-towel-over-his-shoulder-when-he-walks-around-the-locker-room man, but he’s still a man.

And Emily clearly needs a man. She’s from the South and loves talking about how “hot” dudes are … she doesn’t need some tweedle who did THIS last week! (pic below!)

I never got to write about last week's ep, and more specifically,
JE'S BERMUDA SHORTS/SOCKS COMBO!

So let’s break down who really has a shot to win this thing.

– Big Herm

Let’s not be fooled folks, this is a competish.

Is it “Let’s not be fooled?” or “Lest not be fooled?” Is “Lest not be fooled” even a thing? "Lest not be judged" is a thing. How frustrating was it every time one of those guys read Romeo and Jules, they kept saying, “Is it the east?” I friggin’ slept through 11th grade English class and even I know that it’s, “It is the east, and Juliet is the falafel.”

Whoever ends up with Emily is not going to end up with Emily. Actually, I shouldn’t say that; whoever ends up with Emily is MOST LIKELY not going to end up with Emily, so let’s treat this as what it is: a bondage competish game.

Based on the “Coming upppp on the Bachelorette,” preview, the last few standing seem to be: Arie, Sean, Je and Ryan. Wolf (the guy’s name is “Wolf” for cryin’ out loud) might get in a smooch or two in, but he’s not the southern ox that Emily’s looking for. So what are the chances of these final four bringin' it home for Jerome?

Arie – The dude seemed to be the clear-cut favorite two weeks ago – his confidence was soaring, he was jamming his tongue into Emily’s soft, wet mouth – but frankly, he’s turning into a puss. Enough with the blankets and the hand petting and the grey pullover sweaters, buddy! You’re supposed to be a man who drives racecars and eats falafel! Ugghhh, friggin blankets! I give him a 37% chance of winning.

Je – He has no shot. Then again, I didn’t think that snowboarder had a chance a few seasons ago, and he ended up slurpin’ and burpin’ all the way to the top. But when push comes to shove, Je is just too much Vidal Sassoon and not enough Herm Edwards. I give him a 4% chance of winning.

Sean – I gotta tell ya, if this guy is NOT a virj, he might just take this thing. Emily’s friends already love him and the timing of his one-on-one date was perfect. Over the next few weeks, Emily will weed out the rest, while he glides through on some groupers, and before you know it, he’s getting an invitation to the fantasy suite and shitting his pants on national televisj (if he's a virj). If he’s not a virj, I’m giving him a 74% chance of winning. If he is a virj, I’m giving him no shot of doing anything worthwhile in his entire life.

Ryan – I friggin’ love this guy. He’s not marriage material, and will probably cheat on Emily with every woman south of the Mason-Dix, but he’s good at sports and that’s really all I need in a man. And he’s really really really trying to win this thing!

My buddy, Hoob, (who was the dude in my high school crew who actually got chicks) used to say that the key to getting ladies was to NEVER TRY. Well, that goes pretty much against the entire premise of this show, and Ryan might be trying to WIN a little too hard. Then again, Hoob was also the dude in high school who used to wash his dork in the sink before going to his job at Super Fresh "just in case somebody wanted to give him a beejer." I’m giving Ryan an 11% chance on winning the whole thing, but a 100% chance of tearing the roof off the fantasy suite.

I’m giving Hoob a 100% chance of being mad at me after this post.

If he actually reads this thing.

For the record, the romantics out there will be happy to know that Hoob did in fact find someone to give himself completely to.

She’s a very nice lady.  

Also, Hoob's name was changed to protect his identity. Who would call somebody Hoob?!?!


Have you seen the Kyrie Irving/Uncle Drew video yet?!?! If not, watch that isht now!





Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out my man Niklas Bendtner (who bagged a brace yesterday vs. Portugal) showin' off a little somethin' somethin.

15 comments:

  1. Ok, so I just need to advise you that I think you are missing something HUGE here. Can we talk about the name Je? I mean, come on. Did his parents get lazy and just stop putting letters in his name? Remember the last Bach seaz where you had name issues with Lyndzie and all? I was kinda hoping you'd go there with the who Je name thing.

    I still haven't caught a darn episode of the B'elorette this season. Shame on me. I just find myself trying to decide if I am going to stick my neck out there and ask some dude who I've casually been dating if he's into me. I sit around on Monday nights pondering that. Could use some advice considering your a man and all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh AmericanBridget (RoyJonesJr) ... people need to read this blog just to keep tabs on you and your trials and tribs.

      Before we tackle your dating life, allow me to explain the whole "Je" thing.

      The guy's name is actually "Jef" (JUST THE ONE F, THANK YOU VERY MUCH), as in "Jeff" or even "Geoff." I would actually prefer that he went with "Geoff" even though "Geoff" is a really really dumb way to spell "Jeff." I figure, if you're gonna take off an F, why not just take off both?! Like if you're a dude who's gonna rock an earring, why not rock both (Michael Jordan!) ... or a chick who wears one of those King Kong Bundy one shoulder tank tops, why not go for it and wear a tube top?!! Everybody loves a nice tuber! (I actually don't love tubers, but I support women throughout the world!)

      As far as your dating life, please please please don't ask the dude if he's into you. You should be more worried about whether or not you're into him. If you are, great, and if he's not into you, then he can suck a D. An easy way to tell if a fella is into you is if he's performing cunniling or asking you to join him on Saturday afternoon excursions to Greek Festivals and stuff. If he's doing that, you're in biz. If not, he's probably attempting to have sex with every other woman he ever meets.

      HOPE THAT HELPS.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I don't plan on saying a word. You're right, Evster, I don't even know where I stand in my own head. But solidifying a dude's opinion is a wealth of knowledge.

      Jeff with only one "F" is just all wrong. Jef. Wow, that was hard to type.

      Delete
  2. I convinced myself Sean said best date ever not day. He is so cute but each time he talks I find him less attractive.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HE SAID BEST DAY EVER.

      BEST.
      DAY.
      EVER.

      HE'S LAME AS SHIT!

      I ACTUALLY KINDA LIKE HIM.

      I ALSO RECENTLY FOUND OUT THAT I LIKE TURKEY BOLOGNA. IT'S NOT BAAAADDD!

      Delete
  3. NOBODY does it better! Will you ever get to Madmen?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I started to plan out/think about a Mab Membs post today on the train ... so look forward to a Season Review sometime before next October.

      Delete
  4. About damn time you posted something.

    Also I started watching Game of Thrones. HOLY SHIT THAT SHOW IS FUCKING AWESOME.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GAME OF FRONES SEASON REVIEW COMING IN LATE SPRING OF 2014!!!

      Delete
  5. for a shit bag of a blorgjgjg, you gave some really sound relationship advice!

    if emily ever saw the ICCTP poster of ricki, she would hunt you down and rip your dork off.

    that unc drew vid is NICE . kinda wish he didnt start going all AND1 on em....you know, some more gentle finger rolls, bank shots from the elbow, sound defense etc. is KYRIE the real deal? didnt get to see him play this seez???

    unc drew vs granmama? think im goin UNC DREW.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Uncle Drew vs. Granmama, that's a tough one ... cause when Granmama was young, HE WAS A BEAST ... AND HE HAD A GOLD TOOTH ... I MEAN SHE.

      By the by, I think I really did give pretty good relationship advice!

      Delete
  6. I'd watch this bitch ass show if they put Ibrahimovic on there to score on all the contestants and then berate their goalkeepers. Also, by the way, never a good idea to berate an opponent's goalkeeper. Act like you've been there, Sweden. Have a nice Summer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Totally disagree ... I'm all about showing up your opponent ... y'know, dancing in their end zone, talking to them after ramming on their necks, bat flips, dancing in the ring to "Another One Bites the Dust" ... and so on.

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete