Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette: Let Me Ride That Donkey Donkey


Chris has a Gilbert Arenas shelf-butt!


Look, I understand that presenting a woman with a list of the 12 things you want in a wife is not the besssssttttttttt idea in the world, especially when one of those things (in bold) was for her to be your SERVANT, but dumber things have been done on this show. Do I have to remind you of the fella who TATTOOED A ROSE AND A HEART AND A SHIELD ONTO HIS WRIST? 

Yes, the RyGuy was a chauvinistic, narcissistic idiot with a reallllllyyyyyy realllllllyyyyyy strangely shaped beard, and was hardly marriage (or NFL) material, but he had personality! He liked to mix it up! And he didn’t curl up at every rose ceremony with a half a dozen blankets. He was a dude! And the rest of the guys on this show are soft!

So WHAT THE THUNDER, Emily?!?!

I knew this Mexican guy in college (and yes, some Mexicans go to college) who was very religious and abstained from cursing, so instead of saying “What the fuck?!” he’d say, “WHAT THE THUNDER!

Now what are we left with? A bunch of lovey-duvey twinkletoes who aren’t half the dude Ryan was. In fact, I don’t even know if you could consider these dudes, dudes.

Let’s break it down, donkey-style




TRAVIS

Is he a dude? No.
Signs that he’s not a dude: Pretty sure his jeans had sequin patterns on the back pockets … Cried on national television … Couldn’t stand on that rock for shit!

How hard was it to stand on that stupid rock? It honestly looked like a huge piece of rock. I’m terrible at X Games-type stuff, and even worse at spending great lengths of time on my feet (ever work at a deli? it’s hard!), but I coulda balanced on that rock longer than Travis. I also can’t believe there’s a person out there in this world named Travis! Apologies to the Springfield Rifle (if anyone knows who that is, you should be ASHAMED of yourself for reading this blorg).

The only dude-like thing Travis ever did was after he got bounced from the dinner table, he took his glass with him.

"I'M FINISHING MY DRANK!"


THE CROATIAN GUY WHO WAS PLAYING THAT STRING-INSTRUMENT-THING IN THE ALLEY

Is he a dude? Hard to tell!
Signs that he’s not a dude: Plays a string instrument … Wears a funny hat.
Signs that he is a dude: Probably killed a Serbian with his hands … Hangs out in an alley.

At first I was convinced that this guy was totally a dude, because he looked Croatian, but then I realized that I have no idea what a Croat looks like (yes I do). Well, Toni Kooks never wore one of those hats. I’d bet a pair of Croatian sequin-studded jeans that the minstrel-man from last night is actually an actor from Los Angeles named Eric.


JE

Is he a dude? No.


The only other person I've ever seen wear one of these tanktoppers is 50 Cent.


CHRIS

Is he a dude? Stop it!
Signs that he’s not a dude: Horrible at archery … Thought Doug might legitimately rip his limbs off during their arm-tug-o-war … Like, I really thought his arms were gonna get ripped off and blood was gonna splatter all over the place.

Chris’s excuse for why he didn’t perform well in the Highland Games? “Nobody does this in Chicago.” Really Chris? Cause here in Philly we break out our bows every day around noon and just fire arrows at people's faces. Today for lunch I got an Italian hoagie and crossbowed a dog in the throat. Tomorrow at book club I’m gonna throw a log through a Whole Foods window.

Also, how about when Chris was like, “Emily, if you give me the opportunity to let me love you, I will love you like you’ve never been loved.”

WHAT THE THUNDER!?

And let’s get back to Je for a sec. Why didn’t you kiss me, Je? “I was scared of you.” Yeah, Je, that’s what single chicks wanna hear. According to my friend Chicken, “No girl wants to hear that you’re scared of her. Unless that girl is your wife, then she’ll want to strike the fear of God.”

#Truth!


DOUG

Is he a … abbbbbbbbbbsolutely not!

I'd bet 25 rubles and a loaf of bread that Dino's got no pants on.

ARIE

Is he a dude? Ehhhhhhhh, this is a tough one.
Signs that he’s a dude: Racecar driver … Pushed that lady into a wall and jammed his tongue in her mouth … Also apparently banged a producer?
Signs that he’s not a dude: So goddamn in love it makes me wanna puke.

This guy’s gonna win it all and I don’t like it. What a slimeball move to come to Emily’s apartment after Rybo got kicked off. Plus, he totally kept his shoes on in bed! What a fucking dick! Where's my crossbow?!

THAT BEING SAID, you gotta give it to him for shoving his tongue down Emily’s perfectly clean mouth. Let’s go back to Chicken, who really needs a blog of her own: “That’s EXACTLY what a chick wants. Jam her up against a wall and tongue her!”


SEAN

Is he a dude? Donkeys are honestly hilarious.


WOLF

Is he a dude? YES!
Sign’s that he’s a dude: This is just speculashe, but I'm 94% sure that Wolf has really hairy balls. His name is Wolf!

Then again, weeping because your grandmother died like 15 years ago?!?! TAKE A SHIT, DUDE!

I mean, not dude!

I mean dude!

I'm finishing my cup of coffee. 


I'm just about ready to get rid of my Facebook account. The only reason I'm on FB is to follow NBA Memes. I do love Twitter though, and that's the place to go for TVMWW updates, commentary and even more dogshit that you can possibly imagine. Follow me here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out these ridicurous Adidas high-tops from Jeremy Scott. They're so dumb/amazing/dumb!



9 comments:

  1. Please don't get rid of your Facebook account! Your posts crack me up.

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    Replies
    1. I'm gonna start posting pictures of my children with their Aunts and Uncles!

      Delete
  2. Jef and sean are the best. Everyone else is redic. Also, how hilarious was it when Ryan was making awkward chitchat before his date, and then left the room and all the guys just openly bashed him?
    Also, I am almost positive that I have that tank top in green. So he can rest assured that he is wearing a tank made for college aged ladies.

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    Replies
    1. I FELT BAAAD FOR RYAN WHEN THEY BASHED HIM.

      Ryan thought they were all friends ... just dudes in the locker room ... and then as soon as he left, they made fun of him. Reminds me of these trick-ass hoes I once worked with.

      THESE DUDES ARE A BUNCH OF HOES!

      Delete
    2. NO OFFENSE TO HOES!

      I LOVE HOES!

      Delete
  3. I'd let Arie shove me into a wall and jam his tongue down my throat anyday. Maybe we could even invite the producer to join.

    ReplyDelete
  4. did anyone think of this guy
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxMuX_2tc8M
    everytime Travis said Awesome?

    ReplyDelete