Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Bachelorette: Do You Realllllyyyy Want Full Disclosure?

This dude's got more skeletons in his clozz than just slurpin and burpin with some Producer.

Let's just say, hypothetically, that you're dating a nice lady and thinking about getting married. She's everything you've always wanted in a woman: she's nice, she's not Jewish, she has clean hair, a smooth butt, she reads books, she's open-minded, she eats cheeseburgers, she doesn't bang other dudes, she's wonderful. But then, just when you're ready to pop the question, she tells you that if you're going to take the leap together, she wants "Full Disclosure."

"I just think it's important that we're completely honest with each other. I have a couple things that I want to get off my chest and I hope you can be comfortable and open with me too."

"Okay, yeah, fine," you think. You have nothing to hide. You've done the diddledang with about a dozen chicks, but none of them had AIDS, so you're in the clear. Yeah, during your Junior year at Maryland you once jerked it from a second-story window while staring at your next-door neighbors sunbathing, but who hasn't? There's nothing wrong with Full Disclosure. And there's nothing wrong with masturbating to a couple of college co-eds who were catching some rays. And what could she have done in her past that was reallllyyyy that baad?

But then she drops the bomb.

"I just wanted to tell you, Full Disclosure, that when I was in college, I uhhh, I ummmm, well, me and my friends, we were kinda, geez, how do I say this? Ummmm, geez, I had this all planned, but man, it's really hard to say. Okay, okay. Deep breath. Wiiiifffffttttttfffftttttttt. Okay, here goes, here goes: Ummmmm, I-was-kinda-into-the-Counting-Crows. There! I said it. Aw man, I said it, I said it. I'm sorry. I know, it's hard to hear, but I wanted you to know. And I had like, all of their albums, and I might've had a Counting Crows t-shirt too. I had two actually. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I wasn't crazzzyyyy into them, but well, I mean, I did see them live, like, four times. I was young. And I was just experimenting, but I have to admit, there are times when I hear some of their songs and I get kind of nostalgic. I'm sorry. I really am. Full disclosje though, right? Riiightttt?"




You can't.

It's over.


These are real people! 

Insisting on "Full Disclosure" with your boyfriend or girlfriend before you get married is the dumbest thing any couple can do. To this day, I have no idea how many dudes my wife has snorbled. No idea! My guess is that it's somewhere between 8 and 472. What's the point? Does my wife need to know that every time I'm in an elevator with an Asian woman I try to smell her hair? No! Why would she want to know that? Well she knows now! 'Cause I just told her! But she probably knew anyway! Thanks a lot people, for making me tell her!

Honesty is the most overrated quality in a human being. It's healthy for people to have secrets. It's healthy for people to lie. When my wife asks me later, "Do you really smell women in the elevator?" I'm gonna lie and say no!

But I do!

I totally do!

Regargless, good ole Bachelorette Emily INSISTED on Full Disclosje from Arie -- that he come clean about his snooze of an affair with that Producer-lady (who apparently doesn't need to wear makeup for her ONE appearance on national television???). So in honor of Emily -- and because I'm married and understand that sometimes you need to do exactly what a woman wants even though it's a really really dumb idea -- here's full disclosure on the Bachelorette:

Emily, you're a nice lady, but these dudes are not falling in love with you because you're a good mom and a kind woman and you're fun to be around ... no, it's because you have soft, round breasts and completely hairless upper thighs. You might even have the smoothest and most hairless upper thighs of any woman in the history of women. Don't get me wrong, I like you. I do! I like your personality. I like your senses of humors. I even like the Charlotte Hornets (and they're not even a thing!). You're sweet, you're sensitive, you use travel books when touring Eastern European cities. (And I lovvvvve travel books, especially The Rough Guide and Lonely Planet. In fact, I just spent two hours at Barnes and Nibbler yesterday reading a Frodor's to prepare for my upcoming trip to Norway. While we're in Full Disclosure-mode, I should probably admit that I spent an hour reading about fjords and an hour trying to smell the Asian woman sitting next to me.) So Emily, just know that these fellas don't care about you, they're just tryin' to get a sniff.

Full Disclosure? Best chips in the biz.

Hey Wolf, how was your date with Emily, dude? "Aw man! Full Disclosure? It was fantastic! I told her about my ex-girlfriend, and how she cheated on me, and how I thought she was dead for three days! It was great!"

Full Disclosure, Wolf? That was probably the dumbest thing to ever tell a woman. When you tell a lady (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION) that your ex cheated on you, she'll immediately come to the conclusion that you don't know how to bone. AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. Girls like guys who know how to bone! Why wouldn't you just lie and say, "Well, my ex-girlfriend, she was a bit clingy. Not clingy, that's not the right word, but she just ALWAYS wanted to have sex with me. It was ridiculous. And I like sex, don't get me wrong, I try to have sex as much as possible, but she just LOVED having sex with me. She called me 'The Rhino'. I don't know why. I never asked her." And if Emily ever found out the truth, just change the subject to what you should have for dinner. C'MON RHINO-WOLF!

Then there's Doug, who Full Disclosje, is quite possibly the lamest lame-o whose ever been on this show. During the scene where Emily was telling him that he sucked at dating, how could he possibly think that was the right time to plant one on her? And when he did, he was sooooo proud of himself, he thought that was the absolute right thing to do!

His son is probably the biggest puss!

He loves dungeons and castles!

Can you prove that the kid on the right is not Austin? CAN YOU PROVE IT?!

There are certain times in this world where a man needs to take out his dork, put it on a table and say, "YO! THIS IS MY DORK. HIS NAME IS HAROLD. YOU NEED TO GET TO KNOW THIS DUDE. FULL DISCLOSJE? HE'S A LOOSE CANNON." That's what a real man does. He puts his dork on a table.

A real man does not have an emotional meltdown at a Rose Ceremony.

CHRIS:  Emily, can I talk to you for sec?

EMILY:  Sure Chris, is something wrong?

CHRIS:  No, nothing's wrong. I've just been shaking uncontrollably for the past ten minutes.

EMILY:  What's a matter Chris? You're so hot.

CHRIS:  It's just, you talk a lot about Full Disclosure and how you want us to be honest.

EMILY:  Yeah, did you know that Prague is the 14th largest city in Europe? See that sculpture over there? That's the bust of Jaromir Ja...

CHRIS:  Could you put the book down, Emily? So, I just wanted to tell you that if you send me home tonight I'm going to blow out my brains with a shotgun. Actually, while I'm being honest, I probably won't use a shotgun, I'll probably use three shotguns, I'd want to blast my entire neck off. Can you blast your neck off? Well, I'm gonna try. I'll do anything to fix this deviated septum. Do you know how hard it is to sleep?!

I'll tell ya whats, the guys who are sitting pretty right now are the two fellas who haven't really told Emily anything about themselves ... Sean and Je.

What do we know about Sean? He loves Jesus and he ran around Europe's 14th largest city during the middle of the night. That's it! "I just needed to see you, Emily" "I'm so happy you're here, Sean." "I just needed to see you." "I'm so happy you're here." That's a good base for a relationship.

The last thing Je should do is give Emily Full Disclosje even though I desperately want him to open up about how the freak he became such an expert puppeteer. I was kind of impressed by his skills, but mostly confused that someone could be so good at making puppets do stuff. Actually, why would that be impressive? Puppet shows are soooooooo dumbbbbbbbb. When's the last time you saw one? My buddy Gil took his 2-year-old son Nick to a puppet show last week and Nick was telling me all about it and was like, "Evy. Evy. Guess whats? I saw puppet show and they had puppets and the puppets sang songs." And I was like, "Oh, cool dude, I'm trying to watch this game, could you shut up for like five minutes?" and Nick was like, "They sanged songs." and I was like, "Yeah, cool, I think your mom's calling you," and Nick was like, " The songs said, 'Hey. Honey. It's not your money. Just cause you want it, doesn't mean you need it. Hey. Honey. It's not your money ...'" and then Nick kept singing that song for like five minutes while he shoved Rice Chex in his mouth and called his water "juice." I mean, I'm not one to criticize young children, but that's a really dumb song and a really dumb puppet show. Why would you teach kids that they don't need money? Do you know how much money I need?!?! I gotta buy some juice!

Je has sooooooo many holes in life story. What's the dill with his parents? "Ohhh, you're gonna love my folks. You won't get to meet them though. They live in South Carolina, but they won't be there."


This guy has to be a mormon, right? But he was drinking beer last week, and he cursed this week, and I have no idea how Emily's taking this guy seriously ... I mean ...





"Uhhhh, Mr. Thomas? Seems as if there's been a misspelling in the yearbook." 

Je and Sean are in the final four because they're MYS-TEER-EE-OUS. Remember that one folks? Remember the kid who came to your school in 7th grade and never talked, but rode a BMX bike and was rumored to have been seen smoking in the Wendy's parking lot? That kid jammed his tongue down chicks' throats. And he probably still does. We have NO IDEA what Je's life is like back in Utah and we have NO IDEA if Sean would understand the musical score of the puppet show, "Hey. Honey."

But that's what makes them intriguing!

When they start talking about their past, when they start opening themselves up, and when they air out their dirty laundry, that can only lead to the inevitable shitstorm.

Don't do it fellas.

No one needs to know what your past was like. No one needs to know anything. And when in doubt, lie.

Unless you have AIDS. Then you pretty much have to tell the other person, right? They should totally have an AIDS Bachelor!


"Jennifer, I have to tell you something. Oh boy, this is serious. Deep breath."

"Is it about your Dave Matthews CDs? Cause I already know."

Obligatory shot of Emily showing off her bare feet to boost my Google Image Search hits. 

Big night of TV this Thursday: NBA Draft and the season premiere of Louie. You can listen to Louis C.K. interviewed on Bill Simmons' podcast here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you could check out this guy sitting on a fjord!


  1. My favorite this week was when Chris Harrison came out from behind the bushes to say, "I want to tell you about something you may have heard about or even read about." I was worried he was going to give us a sex. ed. lesson. Also, why wouldn't they show the awesomeness of that conversation between Ari, Emily, and the other lady? Lame.

    1. "Hi, I'm Chris Harrisons."

      I wish he had told us that Chris committed suicide or that Doug's son became the first 11yr old to come out of the clozz and that bloggers across the country were responsible for these two tragedies.

  2. You spelled Jeffff's name wrong.

  3. 2 things:
    First, I realized that I forgbot John was still there he is such a dud
    Secondly, did you see Arie getting ready for his date with his button down shirt just hanging open like he was in a perfume ad or something? He's the least attractive person ever!

    PS- Disappointed that my masterful guest post didn't make it in.

    1. I agree with everything you ever say.

      I'm disappointed I didn't get a blueberry muffin this morning!