Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Bachelorette: Do You Realllllyyyy Want Full Disclosure?

This dude's got more skeletons in his clozz than just slurpin and burpin with some Producer.

Let's just say, hypothetically, that you're dating a nice lady and thinking about getting married. She's everything you've always wanted in a woman: she's nice, she's not Jewish, she has clean hair, a smooth butt, she reads books, she's open-minded, she eats cheeseburgers, she doesn't bang other dudes, she's wonderful. But then, just when you're ready to pop the question, she tells you that if you're going to take the leap together, she wants "Full Disclosure."

"I just think it's important that we're completely honest with each other. I have a couple things that I want to get off my chest and I hope you can be comfortable and open with me too."

"Okay, yeah, fine," you think. You have nothing to hide. You've done the diddledang with about a dozen chicks, but none of them had AIDS, so you're in the clear. Yeah, during your Junior year at Maryland you once jerked it from a second-story window while staring at your next-door neighbors sunbathing, but who hasn't? There's nothing wrong with Full Disclosure. And there's nothing wrong with masturbating to a couple of college co-eds who were catching some rays. And what could she have done in her past that was reallllyyyy that baad?

But then she drops the bomb.

"I just wanted to tell you, Full Disclosure, that when I was in college, I uhhh, I ummmm, well, me and my friends, we were kinda, geez, how do I say this? Ummmm, geez, I had this all planned, but man, it's really hard to say. Okay, okay. Deep breath. Wiiiifffffttttttfffftttttttt. Okay, here goes, here goes: Ummmmm, I-was-kinda-into-the-Counting-Crows. There! I said it. Aw man, I said it, I said it. I'm sorry. I know, it's hard to hear, but I wanted you to know. And I had like, all of their albums, and I might've had a Counting Crows t-shirt too. I had two actually. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I wasn't crazzzyyyy into them, but well, I mean, I did see them live, like, four times. I was young. And I was just experimenting, but I have to admit, there are times when I hear some of their songs and I get kind of nostalgic. I'm sorry. I really am. Full disclosje though, right? Riiightttt?"

WHAT DO YOU DO IN THIS SITUASHE?!?!

YOU HAVE TO END IT, RIGHT?

HOW DO YOU LOOK THIS LADY IN THE EYE ... HOW DO YOU BRING HER TO YOUR FAMILY'S PASSOVER SEDAR ... HOW DO YOU ALLOW THIS WOMAN -- THIS DISGUSTING, SCREWED-UP, MENTALLY ILL WOMAN -- TO POTENTIALLY CARRY YOUR CHILD?

You can't.

It's over.

WAS IT REALLY FRIGGIN' WORTH IT TO GET FULL DISCLOSJE?


These are real people! 

Insisting on "Full Disclosure" with your boyfriend or girlfriend before you get married is the dumbest thing any couple can do. To this day, I have no idea how many dudes my wife has snorbled. No idea! My guess is that it's somewhere between 8 and 472. What's the point? Does my wife need to know that every time I'm in an elevator with an Asian woman I try to smell her hair? No! Why would she want to know that? Well she knows now! 'Cause I just told her! But she probably knew anyway! Thanks a lot people, for making me tell her!

Honesty is the most overrated quality in a human being. It's healthy for people to have secrets. It's healthy for people to lie. When my wife asks me later, "Do you really smell women in the elevator?" I'm gonna lie and say no!

But I do!

I totally do!

Regargless, good ole Bachelorette Emily INSISTED on Full Disclosje from Arie -- that he come clean about his snooze of an affair with that Producer-lady (who apparently doesn't need to wear makeup for her ONE appearance on national television???). So in honor of Emily -- and because I'm married and understand that sometimes you need to do exactly what a woman wants even though it's a really really dumb idea -- here's full disclosure on the Bachelorette:

Emily, you're a nice lady, but these dudes are not falling in love with you because you're a good mom and a kind woman and you're fun to be around ... no, it's because you have soft, round breasts and completely hairless upper thighs. You might even have the smoothest and most hairless upper thighs of any woman in the history of women. Don't get me wrong, I like you. I do! I like your personality. I like your senses of humors. I even like the Charlotte Hornets (and they're not even a thing!). You're sweet, you're sensitive, you use travel books when touring Eastern European cities. (And I lovvvvve travel books, especially The Rough Guide and Lonely Planet. In fact, I just spent two hours at Barnes and Nibbler yesterday reading a Frodor's to prepare for my upcoming trip to Norway. While we're in Full Disclosure-mode, I should probably admit that I spent an hour reading about fjords and an hour trying to smell the Asian woman sitting next to me.) So Emily, just know that these fellas don't care about you, they're just tryin' to get a sniff.



Full Disclosure? Best chips in the biz.

Hey Wolf, how was your date with Emily, dude? "Aw man! Full Disclosure? It was fantastic! I told her about my ex-girlfriend, and how she cheated on me, and how I thought she was dead for three days! It was great!"

Full Disclosure, Wolf? That was probably the dumbest thing to ever tell a woman. When you tell a lady (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION) that your ex cheated on you, she'll immediately come to the conclusion that you don't know how to bone. AND THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING. Girls like guys who know how to bone! Why wouldn't you just lie and say, "Well, my ex-girlfriend, she was a bit clingy. Not clingy, that's not the right word, but she just ALWAYS wanted to have sex with me. It was ridiculous. And I like sex, don't get me wrong, I try to have sex as much as possible, but she just LOVED having sex with me. She called me 'The Rhino'. I don't know why. I never asked her." And if Emily ever found out the truth, just change the subject to what you should have for dinner. C'MON RHINO-WOLF!

Then there's Doug, who Full Disclosje, is quite possibly the lamest lame-o whose ever been on this show. During the scene where Emily was telling him that he sucked at dating, how could he possibly think that was the right time to plant one on her? And when he did, he was sooooo proud of himself, he thought that was the absolute right thing to do!

His son is probably the biggest puss!

He loves dungeons and castles!


Can you prove that the kid on the right is not Austin? CAN YOU PROVE IT?!

There are certain times in this world where a man needs to take out his dork, put it on a table and say, "YO! THIS IS MY DORK. HIS NAME IS HAROLD. YOU NEED TO GET TO KNOW THIS DUDE. FULL DISCLOSJE? HE'S A LOOSE CANNON." That's what a real man does. He puts his dork on a table.

A real man does not have an emotional meltdown at a Rose Ceremony.

CHRIS:  Emily, can I talk to you for sec?

EMILY:  Sure Chris, is something wrong?

CHRIS:  No, nothing's wrong. I've just been shaking uncontrollably for the past ten minutes.

EMILY:  What's a matter Chris? You're so hot.

CHRIS:  It's just, you talk a lot about Full Disclosure and how you want us to be honest.

EMILY:  Yeah, did you know that Prague is the 14th largest city in Europe? See that sculpture over there? That's the bust of Jaromir Ja...

CHRIS:  Could you put the book down, Emily? So, I just wanted to tell you that if you send me home tonight I'm going to blow out my brains with a shotgun. Actually, while I'm being honest, I probably won't use a shotgun, I'll probably use three shotguns, I'd want to blast my entire neck off. Can you blast your neck off? Well, I'm gonna try. I'll do anything to fix this deviated septum. Do you know how hard it is to sleep?!

I'll tell ya whats, the guys who are sitting pretty right now are the two fellas who haven't really told Emily anything about themselves ... Sean and Je.

What do we know about Sean? He loves Jesus and he ran around Europe's 14th largest city during the middle of the night. That's it! "I just needed to see you, Emily" "I'm so happy you're here, Sean." "I just needed to see you." "I'm so happy you're here." That's a good base for a relationship.

The last thing Je should do is give Emily Full Disclosje even though I desperately want him to open up about how the freak he became such an expert puppeteer. I was kind of impressed by his skills, but mostly confused that someone could be so good at making puppets do stuff. Actually, why would that be impressive? Puppet shows are soooooooo dumbbbbbbbb. When's the last time you saw one? My buddy Gil took his 2-year-old son Nick to a puppet show last week and Nick was telling me all about it and was like, "Evy. Evy. Guess whats? I saw puppet show and they had puppets and the puppets sang songs." And I was like, "Oh, cool dude, I'm trying to watch this game, could you shut up for like five minutes?" and Nick was like, "They sanged songs." and I was like, "Yeah, cool, I think your mom's calling you," and Nick was like, " The songs said, 'Hey. Honey. It's not your money. Just cause you want it, doesn't mean you need it. Hey. Honey. It's not your money ...'" and then Nick kept singing that song for like five minutes while he shoved Rice Chex in his mouth and called his water "juice." I mean, I'm not one to criticize young children, but that's a really dumb song and a really dumb puppet show. Why would you teach kids that they don't need money? Do you know how much money I need?!?! I gotta buy some juice!

Je has sooooooo many holes in life story. What's the dill with his parents? "Ohhh, you're gonna love my folks. You won't get to meet them though. They live in South Carolina, but they won't be there."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

This guy has to be a mormon, right? But he was drinking beer last week, and he cursed this week, and I have no idea how Emily's taking this guy seriously ... I mean ...

WHAT'S

JE'S

DEAL?!

THIS MIGHT BE AN OCCASION THAT ACTUALLY CALLS FOR FULL DISCLOSEJBES!

"Uhhhh, Mr. Thomas? Seems as if there's been a misspelling in the yearbook." 

Je and Sean are in the final four because they're MYS-TEER-EE-OUS. Remember that one folks? Remember the kid who came to your school in 7th grade and never talked, but rode a BMX bike and was rumored to have been seen smoking in the Wendy's parking lot? That kid jammed his tongue down chicks' throats. And he probably still does. We have NO IDEA what Je's life is like back in Utah and we have NO IDEA if Sean would understand the musical score of the puppet show, "Hey. Honey."

But that's what makes them intriguing!

When they start talking about their past, when they start opening themselves up, and when they air out their dirty laundry, that can only lead to the inevitable shitstorm.

Don't do it fellas.

No one needs to know what your past was like. No one needs to know anything. And when in doubt, lie.

Unless you have AIDS. Then you pretty much have to tell the other person, right? They should totally have an AIDS Bachelor!

COMING UP NEXT WEEK ON AIDS BACHELOR ...

"Jennifer, I have to tell you something. Oh boy, this is serious. Deep breath."

"Is it about your Dave Matthews CDs? Cause I already know."


Obligatory shot of Emily showing off her bare feet to boost my Google Image Search hits. 


Big night of TV this Thursday: NBA Draft and the season premiere of Louie. You can listen to Louis C.K. interviewed on Bill Simmons' podcast here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you could check out this guy sitting on a fjord!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

The Bachelorette: Let Me Ride That Donkey Donkey


Chris has a Gilbert Arenas shelf-butt!


Look, I understand that presenting a woman with a list of the 12 things you want in a wife is not the besssssttttttttt idea in the world, especially when one of those things (in bold) was for her to be your SERVANT, but dumber things have been done on this show. Do I have to remind you of the fella who TATTOOED A ROSE AND A HEART AND A SHIELD ONTO HIS WRIST? 

Yes, the RyGuy was a chauvinistic, narcissistic idiot with a reallllllyyyyyy realllllllyyyyyy strangely shaped beard, and was hardly marriage (or NFL) material, but he had personality! He liked to mix it up! And he didn’t curl up at every rose ceremony with a half a dozen blankets. He was a dude! And the rest of the guys on this show are soft!

So WHAT THE THUNDER, Emily?!?!

I knew this Mexican guy in college (and yes, some Mexicans go to college) who was very religious and abstained from cursing, so instead of saying “What the fuck?!” he’d say, “WHAT THE THUNDER!

Now what are we left with? A bunch of lovey-duvey twinkletoes who aren’t half the dude Ryan was. In fact, I don’t even know if you could consider these dudes, dudes.

Let’s break it down, donkey-style




TRAVIS

Is he a dude? No.
Signs that he’s not a dude: Pretty sure his jeans had sequin patterns on the back pockets … Cried on national television … Couldn’t stand on that rock for shit!

How hard was it to stand on that stupid rock? It honestly looked like a huge piece of rock. I’m terrible at X Games-type stuff, and even worse at spending great lengths of time on my feet (ever work at a deli? it’s hard!), but I coulda balanced on that rock longer than Travis. I also can’t believe there’s a person out there in this world named Travis! Apologies to the Springfield Rifle (if anyone knows who that is, you should be ASHAMED of yourself for reading this blorg).

The only dude-like thing Travis ever did was after he got bounced from the dinner table, he took his glass with him.

"I'M FINISHING MY DRANK!"


THE CROATIAN GUY WHO WAS PLAYING THAT STRING-INSTRUMENT-THING IN THE ALLEY

Is he a dude? Hard to tell!
Signs that he’s not a dude: Plays a string instrument … Wears a funny hat.
Signs that he is a dude: Probably killed a Serbian with his hands … Hangs out in an alley.

At first I was convinced that this guy was totally a dude, because he looked Croatian, but then I realized that I have no idea what a Croat looks like (yes I do). Well, Toni Kooks never wore one of those hats. I’d bet a pair of Croatian sequin-studded jeans that the minstrel-man from last night is actually an actor from Los Angeles named Eric.


JE

Is he a dude? No.


The only other person I've ever seen wear one of these tanktoppers is 50 Cent.


CHRIS

Is he a dude? Stop it!
Signs that he’s not a dude: Horrible at archery … Thought Doug might legitimately rip his limbs off during their arm-tug-o-war … Like, I really thought his arms were gonna get ripped off and blood was gonna splatter all over the place.

Chris’s excuse for why he didn’t perform well in the Highland Games? “Nobody does this in Chicago.” Really Chris? Cause here in Philly we break out our bows every day around noon and just fire arrows at people's faces. Today for lunch I got an Italian hoagie and crossbowed a dog in the throat. Tomorrow at book club I’m gonna throw a log through a Whole Foods window.

Also, how about when Chris was like, “Emily, if you give me the opportunity to let me love you, I will love you like you’ve never been loved.”

WHAT THE THUNDER!?

And let’s get back to Je for a sec. Why didn’t you kiss me, Je? “I was scared of you.” Yeah, Je, that’s what single chicks wanna hear. According to my friend Chicken, “No girl wants to hear that you’re scared of her. Unless that girl is your wife, then she’ll want to strike the fear of God.”

#Truth!


DOUG

Is he a … abbbbbbbbbbsolutely not!

I'd bet 25 rubles and a loaf of bread that Dino's got no pants on.

ARIE

Is he a dude? Ehhhhhhhh, this is a tough one.
Signs that he’s a dude: Racecar driver … Pushed that lady into a wall and jammed his tongue in her mouth … Also apparently banged a producer?
Signs that he’s not a dude: So goddamn in love it makes me wanna puke.

This guy’s gonna win it all and I don’t like it. What a slimeball move to come to Emily’s apartment after Rybo got kicked off. Plus, he totally kept his shoes on in bed! What a fucking dick! Where's my crossbow?!

THAT BEING SAID, you gotta give it to him for shoving his tongue down Emily’s perfectly clean mouth. Let’s go back to Chicken, who really needs a blog of her own: “That’s EXACTLY what a chick wants. Jam her up against a wall and tongue her!”


SEAN

Is he a dude? Donkeys are honestly hilarious.


WOLF

Is he a dude? YES!
Sign’s that he’s a dude: This is just speculashe, but I'm 94% sure that Wolf has really hairy balls. His name is Wolf!

Then again, weeping because your grandmother died like 15 years ago?!?! TAKE A SHIT, DUDE!

I mean, not dude!

I mean dude!

I'm finishing my cup of coffee. 


I'm just about ready to get rid of my Facebook account. The only reason I'm on FB is to follow NBA Memes. I do love Twitter though, and that's the place to go for TVMWW updates, commentary and even more dogshit that you can possibly imagine. Follow me here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out these ridicurous Adidas high-tops from Jeremy Scott. They're so dumb/amazing/dumb!



Monday, June 18, 2012

Movies My Wife Watches: Moonrise Kingdom, the New Jawn by Wes Anderson



You need to go see this immediately.

Remember back in the day when you used to get excited about stuff coming out? Like a new Beastie Boys album or the new Air Jordans, or for women, I dunno, some new tampons. Well, for thirty-somethings who like to wear interesting socks, that feeling still exists, and it comes in the form of Wes Anderson movies.

Go to a Wes Anderson movie and you’ll find a collection of young(ish) glasses-wearing, NPR-listening, casual-sneakered, bike-riding, NYT-reading, pseudo-intellectuals with massive, massive, massive boners. Wes Anderson fans (like myself) go bonkers for this guy’s movies. He can do no wrong, the King of the Dorks and undisputed best filmmaker of our generation.

In his latest film, Moonrise Kingdom (Anderson’s seventh film), Wes centers the story on kids, which goes perfectly with his fantastical, sweet, sad, loveable, depressing, charming style of storytelling. In fact, it’s kinda strange that it took Wes seven movies BEFORE he decided to write for such young characters.

Yeah, he wrote Max Fischer in Rushmore, but Max was nearing college (or his post-graduate year) and was more like an adult in many ways … Ari and Uzi in Royal Tenenbaums and Whatshisface in Fantastic Mr. Fox were cute, but secondary characters.

The kids of Moonrise Kingdom are Sam (the least popular kid in his boy scout troupe BY FAR) and Suzy (a bookworm with no friends), two preteen pen pals who plot to run away together in order to escape a world where they can’t seem to connect to anyone. They’re adorable, wise beyond their years, but na├»ve and hopeful enough to think they’ll never get caught. They crave adventure and companionship. They also have fantastic dance moves.


Oh, and these guys are in it too. 

What happens on their journey doesn’t matter … and I’m obviously not gonna tell you … in fact, I feel kinda bad that I’ve already told you this much … I’m one of those people who likes to know NOTHING about a movie when I see it … but as the movie goes on, you get more insight as to why the kids ran away, while also being reminded of how exciting puppy love was, how hard it is to sustain that love, and why Wes Ands is the BEST FILMMAKER AROUND AND YES THAT INCLUDES THE GUY WHO MADE HOT SHOTS.

Ultimately though, Moonrise Kingdom leaves you with the feeling that a child’s imagination and love of adventure far outweighs anything you’re doing in your stupid, pathetic life. It’s not that the life of a thirty-something who will be watching the Bachelorette tonight is boring, it just pales in comparison to what we thought our lives were going to become. Back then, there was so much to look forward to -- so many twists, so many turns, so many twurns. Tonight, we’re having hot dogs.

I guess if there’s a silver lining to what has become an incredibly depressing blorg post, it’s that in two or three years, we'll get to see another Wes Anderson movie.

So we got that to look forward to.

No disrespect to hot dogs.


I honestly love looking at maps.

I don't even know if I believe what I just wrote. I love life and love watching the Bachelorette and love my wife and love cereal and still sort of get excited when the new Jordans come out. Regardless, if you haven't seen Wes Anderson's movies, you should really lock yourself in your house and watch 'em all. My personal favorite is Rushmore, even though I recognize that The Royal Tenenbaums is the better movie. Kinda like how I realize that Godfather is better than Spaceballs, but I still like Spaceballs more. Who cares, right? Check out this Paraguayan marine officer with a snake wrapped around his neck.

Oh, and here's a quick little blurb written by my buddy Graft -- who worked (briefly) as a Steadicam Operator on the movie -- after I asked him what it was like:

GRAFT: "I almost thought it was a prank when I got the call about the job. Much to my pleasant surprise, it was real. My contribution to the film was small. Very small. They only needed me for one shot. We got the shot the first day, but it was raining. I was brought back a week later to reshoot it in better weather. I've worked with a lot of big name actors and directors over the years.  One trait that will instantly set the extra decent people apart from the pack is if they take the time to learn your name...or even just introduce themselves. I know when I work on a film, it takes me at least a couple weeks to confidently know everyone's name on set. There's a lot of people involved. I worked with Wes on one brief shot on a rainy day. I returned a week later and, even though he was in the middle of some other setup, when he saw me he said, 'Hey Graft.  How are you?' Decent guy." 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Bachelorette: See Ya Later Allejandro's Nips


What you know 'bout Kennett Square, Pennsylvania?!

Adios “there for the right reasons,” there’s a new saying that’s getting airtime on the Bachelorette: “I want to find someone who I can give myself completely to.”

Now I have no idea what this saying means, or why someone would want to give him or herself completely to another person (unless they’re into bondage, and then I totally get it). 

So in honor of this new phrase sweeping Bachelorette Nation, and the fact that I’m way into bondage the NBA Finals, the Euro2012 soccer tournament and more bondage, let’s break down last week’s episode with the help of some famous sports quotes.

“There’s only one place I’d rather be, French Lick.” 

Larry Boid’s speech to the Boston faithful was sincere and honest and heartfelt (all of the horseshit qualities that these suitors claim to be looking for), while the dudes on this show continue to rattle off absolute dogshit with the hopes of one day French licking Emily’s HELLO!

Sean (who my wife thinks might be a virgin) told Emily that their day in London together WAS THE BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE.

Now I like London. In fact, I lurve London. It’s a wonderful place filled with amazing museums and interesting looking people with dipsy-do haircuts and funny accents, but if I had to list the top five days of my life, eleven of them would involve having sex with a woman, and Sean did NOT have sexual relations with that woman, Miss LeMaynard!

Just in case anyone was wondering what the top 5 days of my life were, let’s go to the List-o-meter-3000:

Beep-oop-beep-beep-beep-oop-beep-beep.

Uh, Mr. Flarvendale, there's a fax for you.

Best Days of the Evster’s Life:

- the day that I got my first handjob

- the day that I gave my first handjob

- last week when I got a hot fudge brownie sundae

- any time that I've ever gotten a hot fudge brownie sundae

- obligatory mention of my wedding day to ensure that I'll get to sleep indoors tonight

- some stupid high school basketball game that I should really let go of at this point even though it did lead to my first handjob (received, not given)

- the time I got Johnny Blazed with my friend Larbage and ended up buying the entire collection of Monty Python's Flying Circus DVDs and then got a hot fudge brownie sundae

- the day that my brother and I spent together in London and paid two black prostitutes for sex (a hot fudge brownie sundae deluxe!)

- the time I fucked a dog (same day!)


GET IT GIRL!

My wife thinks Sean might be a virgin because he kisses like a virgin and is way into Jesus. I don’t know if he is, but I do know that if he and Emily ever decide to have children, they’re going to look like absolutely nothing like the black prostitutes that I enjoy paying for sex.


“I just tip my cap and call the Yankees my Daddy.”
Pedro Martinez, definitely not a virgin

“Ricki’s amazing … Ricki’s so special … how DARE you disrespect Ricki!” oh my God, shut up already. You guys sure you wanna be Ricki’s daddy? Cause I’m not so convinced that Ricki’s not reallllyyyyy “special” ifyaknawwhaimean. I’m not into making fun of retarded people, so if Ricki’s retarded, that’s really sad, but if she is, then maybe Kalon should still be in the mix. 


Meme courtesy of my man, BPDizzle,
who grew up with a three-legged dog that could run like a muhfugga.

Then there’s Doug, who FRIGGIN’ FREAKS OUT anytime anyone mentions his son, Austin (who’s probably in his school’s Drama Club ifyaknawwhaimean). And I’m not into making fun of gay 11-year-olds, so if Austin’s gay, that’s cool, but if he is, then maybe Doug needs to address his own sexuality ‘cause that dude is GAY. Even gayer than the black prostitutes in London’s East End (AND I SHOULD KNOW).

Can I call Doug gay on the Internet? Could I get sued for that? I mean, it’s not a bad thing; it’s just a little speculashe on my part. All the signs are there: muscles marinara, snitched on Kalon, is way into charity, “never makes the first move on a woman,” jerks off dudes,  … not that hard to figure out, folks.

Gotta pause for a second to mention that I’m currently eating some AMAZING falafel … my wife and I are actually trying to save money this month by bringing our lunch to work, so it’s stupid of me to admit that I’m doing this … BUT IT ONLY COST 5 BUCKS, HONEYBUNCH!

Also should take this time to address the whole Emily telling Kalon (who we call "Karl") to get the steppin' ... I thought she overreacted, but to be honest I was knuckle deep in some kale and artichoke dip during the scene and kinda zoned out.


 – that crazy Oklahoma State coach who wears a visor

Listen, Je is a nice guy. He wears interesting pants. He’s got the whole wispy hair thing going on, and that’s his thing, that’s totally his thing, and I support people who have things, but this guy is NOT A MAN.

First of allbs, he was scared to kiss Emily on the Ferris Wheel and talked NONSTOP throughout dinner. Also, HE’S A TOTAL TWEEDLEDICK.

By the by, I consider myself a man, not a very manly man, but a man nonetheless (I was bar mitzvahed after all), but I am TERRIFIED of Ferris Wheels.

Ryan’s a man. He’s an egotistical, delusional, wears-his-towel-over-his-shoulder-when-he-walks-around-the-locker-room man, but he’s still a man.

And Emily clearly needs a man. She’s from the South and loves talking about how “hot” dudes are … she doesn’t need some tweedle who did THIS last week! (pic below!)

I never got to write about last week's ep, and more specifically,
JE'S BERMUDA SHORTS/SOCKS COMBO!

So let’s break down who really has a shot to win this thing.

– Big Herm

Let’s not be fooled folks, this is a competish.

Is it “Let’s not be fooled?” or “Lest not be fooled?” Is “Lest not be fooled” even a thing? "Lest not be judged" is a thing. How frustrating was it every time one of those guys read Romeo and Jules, they kept saying, “Is it the east?” I friggin’ slept through 11th grade English class and even I know that it’s, “It is the east, and Juliet is the falafel.”

Whoever ends up with Emily is not going to end up with Emily. Actually, I shouldn’t say that; whoever ends up with Emily is MOST LIKELY not going to end up with Emily, so let’s treat this as what it is: a bondage competish game.

Based on the “Coming upppp on the Bachelorette,” preview, the last few standing seem to be: Arie, Sean, Je and Ryan. Wolf (the guy’s name is “Wolf” for cryin’ out loud) might get in a smooch or two in, but he’s not the southern ox that Emily’s looking for. So what are the chances of these final four bringin' it home for Jerome?

Arie – The dude seemed to be the clear-cut favorite two weeks ago – his confidence was soaring, he was jamming his tongue into Emily’s soft, wet mouth – but frankly, he’s turning into a puss. Enough with the blankets and the hand petting and the grey pullover sweaters, buddy! You’re supposed to be a man who drives racecars and eats falafel! Ugghhh, friggin blankets! I give him a 37% chance of winning.

Je – He has no shot. Then again, I didn’t think that snowboarder had a chance a few seasons ago, and he ended up slurpin’ and burpin’ all the way to the top. But when push comes to shove, Je is just too much Vidal Sassoon and not enough Herm Edwards. I give him a 4% chance of winning.

Sean – I gotta tell ya, if this guy is NOT a virj, he might just take this thing. Emily’s friends already love him and the timing of his one-on-one date was perfect. Over the next few weeks, Emily will weed out the rest, while he glides through on some groupers, and before you know it, he’s getting an invitation to the fantasy suite and shitting his pants on national televisj (if he's a virj). If he’s not a virj, I’m giving him a 74% chance of winning. If he is a virj, I’m giving him no shot of doing anything worthwhile in his entire life.

Ryan – I friggin’ love this guy. He’s not marriage material, and will probably cheat on Emily with every woman south of the Mason-Dix, but he’s good at sports and that’s really all I need in a man. And he’s really really really trying to win this thing!

My buddy, Hoob, (who was the dude in my high school crew who actually got chicks) used to say that the key to getting ladies was to NEVER TRY. Well, that goes pretty much against the entire premise of this show, and Ryan might be trying to WIN a little too hard. Then again, Hoob was also the dude in high school who used to wash his dork in the sink before going to his job at Super Fresh "just in case somebody wanted to give him a beejer." I’m giving Ryan an 11% chance on winning the whole thing, but a 100% chance of tearing the roof off the fantasy suite.

I’m giving Hoob a 100% chance of being mad at me after this post.

If he actually reads this thing.

For the record, the romantics out there will be happy to know that Hoob did in fact find someone to give himself completely to.

She’s a very nice lady.  

Also, Hoob's name was changed to protect his identity. Who would call somebody Hoob?!?!


Have you seen the Kyrie Irving/Uncle Drew video yet?!?! If not, watch that isht now!





Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out my man Niklas Bendtner (who bagged a brace yesterday vs. Portugal) showin' off a little somethin' somethin.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

MAD MEN: Is Don Draper Actually a Horse?

Hi guys, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I'm trying to piece together what's going on with this show. Why is Don so complex? Why does he struggle with human emotion yet have so much RAW, UNBRIDLED power? Well, I think I might've figured it out. I think he might be a horse.

Think about it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

TVMWW is Bogged Down at Work

It's a dog working at a computer!


I have been working like a frog for the past week or so and haven't watched the Bach or Mab Membs or any of the NBA Conference Finals ... I'm going bonkers ... but I hope to catch up soon and write some recaps in the near future.

In the very near future, I'm gonna eat this ham, egg & cheese croissant sitting in front of me and then take a whopper if yanawwhatimeans.