Thursday, May 10, 2012

Two Chicks From Texas Tell Me How to Plan the Ultimate Bachelorette Viewing Party

Announcing this year's bachelorette, Rue McClanahan!

Every Monday night during Bach season, my wife invites some friends over for a Bachelorette-themed viewing party. If Chris Harrison and the gang are headed to Thailand, then maybe she'll make pad thai. For hometowns, we have meatloaf or matzoh ball soup. For overnights, bratwurst ... always bratwurst. Last season, my wife made the biggest, roundest, driest bratwursts known to man -- they were delicious. 

So now, with the Bachelorette just days away, I've called on my good friends (never met 'em), Leah and Jacquelyn from (and Texas) to give their expert advice on how to throw the ULTIMATE BACHELORETTE VIEWING PARTY. 

Frankly, I have zero interest in what Leah and Jac actually have to say and am only reaching out to them in an attempt to poach some of their readership. If I'm able to steal just one of their followers, then this collabo-project was totally worth it. Besides, I imagine that every one of their readers has already given up on this post and is now googling "biggest+roundest+driest+bratwurst" on www.recipe.dong. 

Okay, Leah, let's start with you. The Bachelorette premiere will feature 30 dudes sniffing up on Emily, an adorable, sensitive, snooze of a woman who probably owns zero pairs of thigh highs -- so hot dogs, right? We should definitely have hot dogs. Or maybe Sloppy Joes? I actually saw a sale at the market the other day for bratwurst. Why would you possibly agree to participate in this email discussion? And do you know how to use photoshop? I'm trying to create a picture of Emily standing next to a giant sausage.

Even better!

LEAH:  Well, Ev, I think you're on the right track. The ULTIMATE BACHELORETTE VIEWING PARTY clearly begins with food. The pig in a blanket has long been celebrated as this nation's (mine and Jac's) favorite finger food, and it's also the perfect way to celebrate 30 dudes trying to get in the pants of one fair maiden. You could also throw in some sweet and sour meatballs to round out the selection. While we're on the topic, why not try your hand at our penis cake pops? Incidentally, these should also work for your vegetarians (prudes).

Well, that's certainly something, isn't it?

Next, you're going to have to think about booze. No self-respecting adult can actually get through all that footage of dudes exiting limos while simultaneously doing the waistband tuck without a drink in hand. Jac, why don't you give Evan some cocktail recommendations?

EVAN:  Hold on a second ...


Menu has been decided? 

Pigs in a blank, meatballs and penis pops? Don't I get to argue? I mean, I don't need to argue, that sounds like a lovely meal, but I kinda wanna argue. This is no fun unless we argue. 





Three more lemonades!

JACQUE´E: I honestly don't know if you're steering the booze convo my way because we've spent the majority of our 15 year friendship in some sort of inebriated state or because since the hubs knocked me up I've been fighting a mean case of withdrawal. Either way, lemonade is for prudes.  

Evs - who's on your guest list. Is this a mixed bunch? We usually watch with all girls, dressed in our jammies, drinking Pink Panty Droppers and pillow fighting during the commercials while our husbands pretend to be watching basketball from where ever we've banished them to. Did you know Pink Panty Droppers have beer, tequila AND everclear in them?? Now doesn't that sound like a Monday night!

Of course wine and beer are a must. And down here we always serve sweet tea to our house guests (this is a bold-faced lie). Are we helping you AT ALL???


And regarding these "jammies" you speak of ... PIC OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!

I don't know what the hell Pink Panty Droppers are, but clearly I'm serving them to EVERY ONE of our female guests (my wife, my wife's brother's girlfriend and our next-door neighbor Bridget who may or may not be preggers). Rounding out the crew are me, my bro-in-law and his friend Pat who ate 8 hot dogs at our last hot dog fest and claims to average a 2 hunny in bowling. His pic gets yours.  

I could honestly care less about this fictional SCHMULTIMATE BACHELORETTE VIEWING PARTY that we're not even really planning, I wanna hear more about HOW TEXAS GIRLS GET DOWN.

LEAH:  In an effort to steer away from the topic of us in jammies and back to the shmultimate viewing party, I'm going to respond to the previous email where Evan dissed my meager party menu. Here's the thing - your peeps are just coming over to watch some bad tv. (It's not like you're Philly Phoodie or something.) Just make sure your food is self-serve. Otherwise you'll be worrying about your knishes getting soggy instead of catching classic moments like Ed not getting it up or Ames looking like the Quiznos rat. So set out a platter of your best tuna salad and call it a day.

Next topic - decor. (We did say this was ultimate). You can go the traditional route, donning your living room with bachelorette veils and blow up penises, but it's almost too expected. We like the more unique - albeit effed up - theme of Nascar/white trash to pay homage to Emily's dead fiance Ricky. Ok ok that's a little callous. How about just blowing up this pic of us with Brad Womack over your mantel?

Not a soggy knish in the house. 

You should also spend some time thinking about party rules. Is Bridget allowed to make witty observations while the show is on, or only during commercials? Will you be able to live-tweet? Has your wife established a code word for when she's ready for these fools to go home?

EVAN:  Setting up rules for watching goes against my life's credo that "rules (and school) are stupid," but you might be onto something there. I have been known to do some shushhhing from time to time, but then again, it is the stinkin Bach so you gotta allow for some witty observations/dick jokes. Also, I'm normally the one who likes to blurt out the dick jokes.

House rules should apply to all Bach parties -- you must respect whomever's home you're in ... "no eating on the white couch ... shoes off at the door ... you may not give a pregnant woman a foot rub NO MATTER HOW SOFT HER FEET APPEAR," and so on.

My wife DOES NOT LIKE when I live-tweet -- feels it's rude to the people we're watching with, and to her -- but she does understand that I have a WORLD RENOWNED ULTIMATE BLOG to maintain and that some tweeting is acceptable. As far as a code word, not necessary. My wife runs our home with an iron fist and does most of her communicating with "the look." Other people who communicate via "the look" are The Undertaker, Chris Harrison and every Social Studies teacher I've ever had.

I'm excited for our Nascar themed Schmultimate Schmiewing Party! Instead of splurging for Nascar paper and plasticware like these, I'm thinking of painting the walls in blood and spending the entire evening in my car. 

Any last thoughts? 


Pictures of southern girls wearing very deep V-necks?

No idea what's going on with his neck here. 

JAC-JAC:  You DEF need to start some sort of competish throughout this season. While you're busy gathering material for your World Famous Blog and plotting how to make millions by posting semi-nude photos of Coco (and Emily Maynard if you get lucky) the rest of your guests may not feel like they have a dog in the fight. Everyone needs to pick who they think makes it to the end in the first ep. Makes it so much more entertaining when you're left to defend your top pick who turned into Bentley the Douche 2.0. Speaking of, will he return?? Will the producers really subject Emily and her innocent daughter to his head of unruly curls and pearl-snap plaid shirts? The suspense is killing me!!!

Who's my top pick you're wondering? Why Chris Harrison of course. My husband's been convinced he's been doing eight-balls of coke in the mansion bathrooms with the rejects for the past 15 seasons but I say it's time for him to step out of the shadows with the sloppy seconds and claim the top prize: a four month highly publicized engagement rebound that ends in a shocking and heart-felt interview with himself. 

EVAN:  In the immortal words of my wife ...


Leah and Jac's blorg, Sweet and Sour Showers, can be found here. You can also find them on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and Pinterest, and if you send me dirty pictures of your next-door neighbor doing yardwork barefoot, I'll be happy to forward you their personal email addresses. Follow me here, and look for my Bachelorette Preview sometime before Mondee's premiere. For now, check out this guy and his giant frog.  


  1. I'm a little hurt that Jac got 2 nicknames and I got 0, but it's cool. People probably stopped reading because there was no lemonade anyway. We enjoyed the collabo even if no one else does.

    1. "I'm having a great time!" - Franck Ribery Jr.