Monday, May 7, 2012

Game of Frones: Men Are Dumbbbbbbbbb

Not the sharpest tool in the shed. 

Every great television show has an overarching theme – The Wire was about institutional dysfunction, Golden Girls showed us that old chicks could still be sluts, Jeopardy focuses on one man’s attempt to chug as much cock as humanly possible – and Game of Frones examines how dudes are the dumbest creatures to ever walk the earth.

On last night’s show (poss the best Game of Frones ep ever?), there were numerous instances where men made ridiculously poor decisions, often thinking with their dorks instead of their brains.

Forget about the fact that Prince Theon turned against the House that raised him, or that he overreacted and hacked some guy’s head off, or that he let Bran get away because he slept with some lady … he slept with THE DIRTIEST LADY IN THE SEVEN KINGDOMS.

I love all women and can find even the hairiest of women attractive, but THAT lady?!?! Yeesh. 

The next morning …

THEON:  Sorry, what? Bran got away? Uhhhhh, I know that’s supposed to be a big deal, but I honestly don’t care. Have you seen my dork this morning? My dork is on fire! Pretty sure that lady gave me every sexually transmitted disease known to man. In fact, see this nub here? Yeah, I’m growing another dork. Can somebody call a doctor please!

FINCHY:  You had the witch doctor killed last night, Your Grace.

THEON:  I’m growing another dork. And my second dork doesn’t even look like a dork!

FINCHY:  Your dorks are gonna fall off, Your Grace. That’s what happens when you sleep with swamp ladies.

THEON:  Then can somebody get me another dork?!!?!

FINCHY:  I’ll have the makeup department get right on it, Your Grace.


HBO: where you can see a grown woman's twatter.

If there’s one makeup department that can make it look like a guy’s actual dork fell off, it’s the crew from Game of Frones. Part of me thinks they’re the greatest makeup department ever, but part of me isn’t so sure that they actually do anything. You know how last night that guy ripped out that dude’s spleen and then he held up his intestines? Yeah, I think those might have been actual intestines.

DIRECTOR:  Hey Roddy, yeah, the makeup department wasn’t able to actually create realistic-looking intestines, so in this scene we’re gonna have you really slice this guy’s chest open and rip out his organs. It’ll just look better. So let’s try to get it in one take.

Then there’s Jon Snow, who’s sooooooooooo dumb. He had an opportunity to kill that redheaded lady, but heeeee hassssss feeeeeeellllliiiiinnnngggggggs and can’t just a kill woman without getting all emotional. Ugh, and then, not only did he let her live, but he gave into her and decided to cuddle up for a night of good ole fashioned spooning.

She’s smart that redhead. She knows that if she’s gonna survive, she needs to get Jon Snow to boink her, so she pressed her caboose right up to his donger, a classic midnight maneuver. Interesting though, because that move is normally initiated by men – who poke their dongs into a woman’s butt (I don’t mean into their butt-HOLES, I mean into their actual butts, like the fleshy part) – a signal that they want to have sex. Women then have three options: 1) tell the man to go sleep on the couch, 2) press back signaling "it's go time" or 3) just lay there and hope that the guy forgets why he was poking around in the first place. 

Girl you look good, won't you back that thang up.

When I was in college (NO IDEA WHY I’M TELLING THIS STORY), I went to a frat party and was grinding with this chick on the dance floor. I’m not sure who initiated the grinding (we know who initiated the grinding), but before I knew it, I was gonna, ohhhhh, how do you say? … cum in my pants? … Yeah, well, around three seconds later, after I thought, “Hmmmm, I should probably calm down for a sec, I’m gonna cum in my pants,” I came in my pants, on the dancefloor, as this poor, poor, unsuspecting college girl continued to press her butt into my bent dong. I have absolutely no idea what the moral of this story is, but the fact remains that I just told it ON THE INTERNET and anytime a woman grinds her butt into a man, that man is innnnnn trubbs.

Maybe the dummmmmmbest decision of all was made by whoever decided to steal the Dragon Lady’s dragons. I don’t know much about women who are immune to fire and give birth to dragons, but I would NOT steal their babies. I once fed my leftover hoagie to a flock of geese and the Mama Goose got MADDER THAN A GUY WHOSE GIRLFRIEND JUST MADE YOU CUM IN YOUR PANTS AT A FRAT PARTY. That goose started squawking at me and I was like, “Yo, I thought your gooseling would want a hoagie” and she was like, “SQUAWK!” and I was like, “FUCK YOU MAMA GOOSE! FUCK YOU!” and then she pecked my face with her fucking beak because she was STRONG and DETERMINED.

What’s the moral of this post?

We are T-Minus ONE WEEK away from the premiere of the Bachelorette -- where the 25 dumbest men in the world are going to compete for the cleanest, most boring woman in the Seven Kingdoms. 

Juvenile, take us away. 

Yeah, the Bachelorette starts in UNO WEEK-O. If you've never watched before and are thinking about turning in, check out pics of Emily Maynard, the new Bachelorette. She's adorable, a little boring and comes equipped with MAJOR emotional baggage. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out Goose Gossage posing with an actual goose


  1. Yeah, but did the girl on the dance floor pick up on what happened with your pants? Or did she continue dancing away the night whilst sipping on her Zima with a jolly rancher in the bottom of it for flavoring? Or is that something us southern girls did? Zima...holy ballz, I brought back 1993 all over again.

    1. She had no idea ... HOWEVER, about a year afterwards my buddy started dating her and TOLD HER WHAT HAPPENED after I confided in him!

  2. Oh, and please tell me you will be watching the next installment of the Bachelorette? Pretty pls with shugs on top?

    1. Of course I will!

      It's my bread and butt!

  3. Replies
    1. And yetttttttttttttttttt, she's still kinda hot.

  4. This post (your college story) just made my effing day. You should consider sharing more.

    1. This is the ultimate indicator that no one reads this blog, because if anyone had actually read that paragraph they would've commented / thrown up all over themselves and then commented.

  5. Holy shit I had no idea guys actually jizzed in their pants. Apparently I am very naive. I will be emailing all of my guy friends tonight to find out if this is indeed a common occurrence.

    1. Every dude has jizzed in their pants at some point ... HOWEVER, I don't know any others who have done it on the Sigma Alpha Mu dance floor at the University of Maryland.

      (bows) ... thank you, thank you very much.

      Also, a friend of mine in high school used to fuck his boxspring, but that's a story for another day.