Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Evster and Dave Debate When and If They Should Be Allowed to Watch Basketball


Never claimed to be the best Photoshopper.


Ahhhh springtime. The most wonderful time of the year. The smell of fresh tubetops in the air, the sound of children's laughter as they play in the street, and me, in my living room with the windows closed and the TV on, immersed in the NBA playoffs. 
 


At least, that's how it used to be. 
 


Until I met you know who. 
 


Nowwwwwwwwww, I can only watch 3 out of every 4 NBA games, having to sacrifice so YOU KNOW WHO can be happy too.


Oh, no, I don't have to watch the 3rd quarter of the Lakers-Nuggets game, we can just watch HOUSE HUNTERSSSSSSS ... AGAIN. THEY’RE OBVIOUSLY GONNA PICK THE PLACE WITH THE JACUZZI! … WHO DOESN’T LOVE A NICE JACUZZER?! 
 


Of course, relationships are all about FINDING SOMEONE WHO WILL ALLOW YOU GET FREAKDAFIED IN A JACUZZI COMPROMISE. It's very important to give up the remote from time to time, so when a big game 7 (or game 3) rolls around, you can have the TV all to yourself. 

So today, I've called on my good pal (never met him), legit NBA blogger and soon to be married idiot, Dave, to debate when it’s best to give up the remote, and when to get in your car and drive far far far away to Mexico.

The following is an email exchange that we had over the last couple of days:

I'm guessing this guy has a hard time getting chicks. 


EVSTER:  Davey boy, let’s start with our hometown Sixers. First time they’ve entered the playoffs with a winning record in a decade, scrappy bunch of youngsters who like to get out a run, a very fun team to watch. (I missed Saturday’s Game 1, because YOU KNOW WHO and I were out on a “fun afternoon date.” We got massages and went to the Penn Relays. It was actually a great time. I feel so loose!) So game 2 is this Tuesday night, going up against the Dancing with the Stars results show, Best of Bridezillas Season 3 and a Law and Order: SVU marathon (but that’s pretty much every night). 
 


I’m getting to watch this one, right? Derrick Rose is out! The Sixers have a chance! This is exciting!
 


For the record, Bridezillas is actually a pretty good show. I once saw a lady throw a stick at a cameraman. And it was a really big stick.

EVSTER (a few hours later):  I also just remembered that my wife has Zumba on Tuesdays, so she's definitely going to come home in a good mood. I might get to watch this one straight through without any "Hey could you flip over to see if that cameraman is okay?"
 


So what takes precidence over a hometown playoff game? If this game fell on a Sunday night, going up against Game of Frones, Mad Men, Girls and Veep, would I have any shot?
 


When are you gonna get back to me already?!?!

DAVE:  Get a DVR already, Ev. I don’t like that you face these life or death programming choices each week. You have an entire blog dedicated to TV, yet no DVR? That’s so hipster of you. Frankly, as a loyal reader to TVMWW, I feel cheated, insulted. How can we take you seriously? You’re like a five-star chef using a microwave. There are better tools at your disposal, Ev. Open your arms and your living room to modern technology. 

As for the Sixers, my fiancĂ© (Mj) is pretty good about Philadelphia playoff games. She doesn’t like basketball – I can’t envision myself catching a minute of the Pacers/Magic series – but I’ll be able to watch all four (five? six!?) Sixers games without much of an eye roll. If the past few weeks are any indication, I think she would prefer to watch anything other than Storage Wars. The storage unit auction business is a tank top-wearing, male-dominated industry. She hates it. Not enough gender equality for Mj. Not enough sleeves. 

“Please, not Storage Wars. Not again, Dave.”

Hold on. Barry is getting this bronze chandelier appraised. It looks promising.

And, hey, no complaints about Bridezillas over here. I would quickly rank the wedding shows like this:

BridezillasCan’t look away.

Four Weddings: People – people we actually love and trust – suggested we try out for this show. Why the hell would we invite three strange women who would do nothing but bash us?

I’m sorry, Erica. You didn’t care for our flower arrangements? You didn’t think it meshed with our nautical theme? Well, hey, thanks for sharing our special day with us!

Say Yes to the Dress: Kill me.

Wait, what was the question again? Watch the Sixers Tuesday. Come on, they got a puncher’s chance now. Tape New Girl. Or whatever you kids do over there.

All right Randy, let's get one more of you leaping into the air like a lunatic.
Perfect!


EVSTER:  I almost, almost, almost like Say Yes to the Dress

It's like, how can they find SO MANY brides who have ZERO ability to stand up to their mothers? If I were trying on wedding dresses and my mother told me I looked like shit in the one I LOVED, I'd be like, "Well first of all lady, I look like shit because I'M A DUDE, and second of alls, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK 'CAUSE YOU'RE AN OLD ASS TRICK." Then I'd probably aplogize because I'd feel bad, but I'd still get whatever dress I wanted 'CAUSE IT'S MY DAY DAMMIT AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO. 

I really intended for this post to be a litttttttle about basketball, so let me just say that I'm extremely disappointed that Derrick Rose got hurt, I love watching him play, but I'm VERY excited to see his backup John Lucas III get some minutes. I don't know if I've told you this before (I think I have, but I haven't told our lovely studio audience), but I went to high school with John Lucas's older sister. His father was the coach of the Sixers back then, so their entire family (including John Jr.) would come to our high school games. After one game against Radnor High (a school more known for their debate talents than their jumpshots) John Lucas III (then in 6th grade) challenged a bunch of high school kids (like the blazed-out skaters and dipshit lacrosse players) to one-on-one. He DESTROYED them -- crossed 'em over, pump faked and blew by them -- and eventually a crowd gathered around and watched him just annhilate these 17 year old dipshits. It was amazing. 

BACK TO TELEVISION. 

On Tuesday May 15th, Charles Barkley and Shaq are having a HOT BOD CONTEST during TNT's halftime show. They've both agreed to take off their shirts live on TV and see who has the better bod. I can't wait. I'm looking forward to this more than the stinkin' premiere of the Bachelorette (and that's A LOT). Well, you gotta think this'll happen around 9:15 - 9:25pm, so that could very well fall EXACTLY when the couples on House Hunters will be making their final selection. Let's say hypothetically that your fiancĂ©e has committed to watching an entire ep of House Hunters and then you stroll in the living room around 9:23 or so and are like, "Oh, MJ! I totally forgot, Charles and Shaq are having their hot bod contest, can you switch over???" And she's like, "Wait, what?" and you're like, "Hot bod! Hot bod!" and she's like, "Oh haylllllllll no." Who's got the right to the remote here? The person who has committed to watching 22 minutes of a TV show that's ALWAYS entertaining, but never that exciting? Or the guy who just waltzed into the living room (pantsless) who's really really really worked up to watch 30 seconds of TV that's gonna be both absolutely hilarious and so so so dumb? 

Also, let's assume that the pantsless guy failed to fold the laundry like he said he was gonna do three days ago and now all the nice, clean clothes are all wrinkled and mashed up in the laundry basket. 

Can't stop staring at Chuck's nips.


DAVE:  Was John Lucas’ feat really that impressive? I mean, I get the age disparity. Don’t get me wrong. When I was in 6th grade, I was 4’6” and weighed 72 pounds, which coincidentally was the same height and weight as U.S Olympian, Dominique Moceanu. Now, I would have never beaten a bunch of skaters and lacrosse players, but come on, Ev. Skaters? Lacrosse players? Lacrosse players are kids who stink at every other sport. One of my best friends played lacrosse. He is also the worst basketball player on the planet.

As for the hod bod contest, well, its watchability at my apartment depends on the length of the segment. Will TNT drag this out like the infamous Ultimate Warrior/Rick Rude pose down at the 1989 Royal Rumble?  I think TNT could squeeze this contest into one tidy commercial break, but they won’t. They’ll have an official sponsor (Clearasil, maybe Trident), a swing band performance, and a solid ten minutes of trash talking/dieting tips. Too much pomp, not enough circumstance. I want substance from my hot bod contests. I want Pauly Shore to host, followed by back-to-back episodes of Singled Out. 

But I’m gonna side with your wife here. She has the remote. You didn’t fold the laundry. You couldn’t even bother to put on a pair of mesh shorts? Were you raised by wolves? Put those thighs away.

EVSTER:  I can't believe you're getting married. 

My wife and I just had a 10 minute argument after Dirk Nowitzki and Kendrick Perkins got into a little skirmish. I was pissed off at Perk because he clearly overreacted and my wife got pissed off at me for defending Dirk because "he started it." I tried to explain to my wife that basketball is not a tickle fight and sometimes you have to blast a guy. And when you get blasted, it's not that big of a deal, guys get blasted all the time -- and instead of blasting back, you have to just be like, "All right, you wanna blast me? Well then watch what happens the next time I get the rock." Although I'm not sure Kendrick Perkins would actually say that because the next time he got the rock, he'd probably just turn it over. I wonder if Perk skateboards?

This new NBA drives me mental. You can't blast guys. You can't taunt. You can't even scream when you dunk anymore. Tyson Chandler got T'd up tonight because he screamed at some dude when he dunked. That's ridiculous. Of course he screamed! He dunked on Mike Miller's neck! That's like telling Joe Gorga he can't have sex with his wife when she wears leather boots. It's only natural! In other news, mMy wife is currently yelling at me because I put the leftover spaghetti in the wrong tupperware container. 

I can't believe the Real Housewives of NJ are back. I wasn't ready. There was no training camp, no preseason, they completely blindsided me with a full-court press of Giudices, a couple Manzos, and Kathy's son getting naked pictures emailed to him by a 15 year old girl. He must own a skateboard. 

Two Mondays from now is the Bachelorette premiere. Could go up against RHONJ, DWTS and the NBA Conference Semis. 

Please drive to Mexico with me. 

Please. 

DAVE:  No Mexico for me. I’m terrified of leaving the States. Ever since I watched a few episodes of Locked up Abroad last year, I haven’t traveled west of the Ohio River. I can’t survive in a foreign prison, Ev. I can’t. Prison life is too regimented. This bird can’t be caged. Look at me. Yeah, I know we’ve never met - but look at me! I’m very fragile.  

What’s your beef with the NBA? I think you’re overreacting here. You sound like a grizzled man in a diner pining for the ‘ol days. 

“Ah, this sorta thing never would’ve happened if Dr. Jack Ramsey was still on the bench…”

Just take a deep breath and eat your rye toast, Ev. You’re scaring the patrons. The NBA is arguably at its highest peak since the Jordan era. And besides, you complain about the league’s softness on the same night that Knicks’ Amar’e Stoudemire got fifteen stiches after punching the glass door of the fire extinguisher casing. 

I never saw Tom Chambers punch anything.

EVSTER:  Perfect segue to end this isht and watch Tom Chambs dunk over Mark Jax. 









Dave writes for some Sixers blog called Liberty Ballers. You can check it out here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can follow him on Twitter here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you can enter the TVMWW Art Contest Sponsored by Sal's Automotive. Check out submissions here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this horse wearing pants

2 comments:

  1. I fear you've oversimplified the argument. You were siding with Dirk because you like him more as a player...even though HE was the one that retaliated against Serge Ibaka first for Serge trying to block his shot and getting a little more face than he intended – which, according to your argument, should be accepted by Dirk as good defense. Instead, Dirk shoved Serge the next time up the court, which then led to the Kendrick Perkins/Dirk incident. So, put down your effing phone, get off twitter and pay attention to the game that you just spent so long whining about having to watch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My wife, ladies and gentlemen!

      So feisty! So curvaceous! So in love with Serge Ibaka!

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