Monday, May 14, 2012

The Bachelorette Preview: Time To Meet Alotta Dudes

Let's get ready to get ready!

Tonight on national television, 30 dudes will put baby powder all over their balls in an attempt to get one lady (who for all intents and purposes is pretty much a prude) to like them. 

It's an incredible concept. "Hey fellas, I know this great spot where there are tons of chicks, ping pong tables, giant TVs, seriously tons of chicks and they sometimes douse themselves in sparking water, it's insane!" ... "Ehhhh, what if we went over to this lady's house instead? Her boyfriend died and she's got a daughter who likes playing board games -- what if we all went over to her place and just chatted?" ... "She'll sleep with all of us?" ... "Naw, but she'll prolly have some hors devours." ... "NOYCE!"

I've always figured that the casting for this show was pretty simple. Do you play the guitar? No, but I wish I did. Do you write poems? They rhyme! Can you please sit forward in your chair and stroke the palm of a woman's hand? Yes, just like that. Work the wrist. Perfect. You're perfect for this show. Grab some baby powder from the table and we'll see you on Monday. 

Turns out, the interview process is a little more in depth. So, let's take a look at Emily's suitors' bios from The Bachelorette's website ... my comments are in bleu


Age: 25

Occupation: Mushroom Farmer
Hometown: Medellin, Colombia

First Impresh: I mean, the guy's a mushroom farmer from Colombia -- I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking -- he wears bracelets? 

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? A picture of my mom so I can keep fighting, a knife, and duct tape (that stuff always comes in handy!).

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Yeah - my mom always says that a good man provides for his family, but a better man makes his girl fall in love with him every single day.

Oh good, a momma's boy. Yeah, he's from Colombia and yeah, his mother probably wrestled a goat to keep him alive at some point, but this is the last thing a woman wants in a man. My wife once dated an Israeli who used to call his mother EVERY night FROM bed. I'm guessing he also wore bracelets. 


Age: 31

Occupation: Portfolio Manager
Hometown: New York, NY

Heyyyyyyy, look who's back!

What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a teacher walk in on me while I was hooking up in boarding school.

If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring and why? Paper + pen to design tools/plan. A Tolstoy novel because they take forever to understand.

What do you wish we had asked you? I love to wear a tuxedo. I can tie a bowtie perfectly while blindfolded.

It's nice that Ames likes to wear a tuxedo,  but kind of a strange answer to that question? 

"Hey Ames, can I get you a drink? I've got Coke, Diet Coke, OJ, a beer?" 

"Well, first you take the bowtie and put it around your neck ... make sure both sides are even, both sides HAVE to be even."


Age: 28

Occupation: Businessman

Hometown: Tampa, FL

Well, well, wellllllllll. 

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Drove 40 hours straight.

Is that really the most outrageous thing you've ever done, Bentley? Cause I sort of remember you going on a reality television show and acting like a sociopath. 

Mr Manson, it's been over 30 years since you brainwashed those women and had them kill for you. Most outrageous thing you've ever done

Wellllllll, I mean, yeah, killed a couple of people, sure, but let me tell you about this OTHER thing I did. It was late one night, I'd been driving for like FORTY HOURS, so I decided to stop at a diner in Tuscaloosa. And I thought, "Hmmmm, do I want chili, or do I want a sandwich?" I wasn't sure, I really wasn't, so I pulled out a nickel from my pocket and said, "Heads or tails? Heads chili. Tails sandwich." And then I flipped the coin and boom! Made my decision just like that!

It was outrageous! 

It was absolutely outrageous!


Age: 41

Occupation: Technology Salesman
Hometown: Midland, TX

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with your life partner and sharing memories and always making more.

What is your motto?
Never give up.

Tattoo Count: 
6 -  
Arms, Legs, Chest and Back

Leg tattoos. Shocking that you're still single at 41. To this day, I have still never met a dude named Brent who was not a Technology Salesman or an MMA fighter.


Age: 33

Occupation: Singer/Songwriter

Hometown: Charlottesville, VA

What is your most embarrassing moment?
On stage at a packed venue I dragged my keyboard over about a foot and it was situated under a boom stand which was there by catapulted into the 3rd row. In the live recording you can hear the clamor and unanimous "OHHH" from the crowd.

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden have all inspired me ineffably.

What is your worst date memory?
I went out on a date with a girl who was a fan and everything started out beautifully and after just a couple drinks she spiraled into this emotional tirade about how she knew she "wasn't good enough" for me. I realized she had some serious issues *upstairs*.


I mean, for one, he's a singer/songwriter who lists SOUNDGARDEN as one of his favorite groups. And did either of his stories make any sense? Oh, your keyboard was catapulted under a boom stand? That's awesome dude, that's awesome. I can hear the clamor on the live recording? Well, I'll be sure to pick up your CD at Sam Goody. And David, thanks for putting *upstairs* in between those two asterisks, cause for a second there I thought she had some serious issues literally upstairs in her attic -- like bats. They can be a problem ... they carry rabies


Age: 33

Occupation: Charity Director/Realtor
Hometown: Seattle, WA

Oh hey Doug.

If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
Salt water to fresh water kit, a fishing pole with appropriate lures and a flare gun with lots of flares.

Okay, clearly you don't understand the purpose of this question, Doug. Yeah, a salt water to fresh water kit would be brilliant, would certainly help you out, but ... also what the fuck is a salt water to fresh water kit? 

What's your best date memory?
A really long hug at the end of a first date with my ex. Neither one of us wanted to let the other go. It was nice.

Ohhhhhhh ......... thissssssssssss .......... sounds .......... good. 

Probably would've helped to move on from your previous relationship before agreeing to go on a TV dating show, Doug. This guy is going to be a total whirlwind of emotions.

Emily:  Okay Doug, for today's date, we're gonna scale down this skyscraper ...

Doug:  Okay, lemme stop you right there Emily, cause you're gonna wanna use the 4/5 clips instead of the 7/8s, plus if we're gonna be treading at a 74 degree incline, it'd make sense if we had flares, so let's stop at Frank's Flare Shop and grab a couple boxes don't worry about it I'm a frequent shopper and have a rewards card so we can buy 9 boxes and get the 10th free plus my ex-girlfriend works there and we could just stop in to say hello maybe give her a hug or smell her hair or something no big deal I love dates this is a fun date I'm not crying why would you think I was crying I love dating women. 


Age: 29

Occupation: College Admissions Director
Hometown: Anchorage, AK
That's a uhhhh, that's a uhhhhh, that's a red shirt and a shaved chest now isn't it? Wow, you can still find 'em. 

What are your 3 best attributes? Attitude/positivity. FUN. Smile.

Do you have any pets? 2 Chihuahuas: Pierre and Sweet Georgia Brown.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Went on a month-long backpacking trip and buttfucked around 15 dudes. 

Okay, obviously I made that one up (or did I?) and there's nothing wrong with buttfucking dudes, in fact, I hope Frank is buttfucking dudes, but I think it's pretty clear that Frank buttfucks dudes.


Age: 29

Occupation: Fitness Model
Hometown: Chicago, IL
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Derek Jeter - He not only plays but is one of the all-time greats at my favorite sport, baseball. Also he is like a god in New York City, the greatest city in the world.

Thanks for qualifying that first sentence there Jackson by telling us that Derek Jeter does in fact play "baseball." Yeah, he not only plays, but is one of the all-time greats at my favorite sport, badminton. People don't know that about Derek, but he's a phenomenal badminton player. Gets to every shot, has really really good placement and just great overall birdie awareness.

What super power would you choose to have? Why?
Flying - I'd never sit in traffic again.

That's why you'd want to fly?!?! To get outta traffic? Ohhhhh, this traffic is killer! So many cars. I wish I had a super power, like, I could fly, so I could just get to work so much faster! Forget about flying to Barcelona or being able to shoot laser beams out of my eyeballs, I wanna just get to exit 9 PRONTO. I have a VERY important power point presentation to give


Age: 35

Occupation: Entrepreneur
Hometown: St. Louis, MO
Status: Eliminated in 3rd Rose Ceremony
The mask guy!
Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? I have adopted a 3-legged dog who was abused.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I made a u-turn once. I'm kidding. Not sure.

I always sorta liked this guy! I mean, I get that he's really creepy, but he's kinda funny! "I made a u-turn once." THAT'S FUNNY. 


Age: 27

Occupation: Field Energy Advisor
Hometown: Orlando, FL
Who is your favorite actor and why?
Paul Newman because of how much he gave back. He donated all profits and royalties from his food company to charity.

THIS GUY CAN TAKE A SHIT. Yeah, Joe, my favorite basketball player is Brian Scalabrine because he gives money to animal shelters. The guy can't make an 8 footer, but he helped this cat Mr. Sprinkles find a new home. I love him. 


Age: 27

Occupation: Luxury Brand Consultant
Hometown: Houston, TX
All right, so Kalon? Kah-lon? Kay-len? I'm going Kah-lon. Like, Kah-lonoscopy. This guy is obviously retarded. 

Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
I like my girlfriend to be the center of attention so I'm still in the spotlight but the focus is on her and not me.

Yeah, not really making sense there, Kalon. If you're in the spotlight, then the attention is on you. Let's try another question.

Do you prefer team sports or solo sports and why?
Team. I like being the best on a team and having the pressure of people relying on me.

Once again, completely missing the boat here. Team sports are all about TEAM. They're not relying on you, you're supposed to work together. I HATE YOU. What is a Luxury Brand Consultant?!!


Age: 28

Occupation: Office Supply Salesman
Hometown: Bridgewater, MA
Did you attend college and if so, which one and what was your major? University of Massachusetts – Amherst. Major: Bachelor of Science in Turf Grass Management. 

Well that's certainly not interesting. 

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Justin Timberlake - I just want the dance moves. 

Seems kinda silly to pick Justin Timberlake just for the dance moves. I mean, the guy's a good dancer, but there are probably 400,000 black people who are just as good, if not better dancers. I saw a guy on the corner of 52nd and Walnut the other day doing some sort of shoulder move while waiting for the light to change that was farrrrrrrrr better than anything JT has ever done. 

Also, JT? Is his nickname really JT? I always thought James Taylor was the one and only JT. I recently asked a bunch of my friends who the REAL JT was, and a resounding majority said Timbers. I totally disagree. James Tayls is the one and only JT! He did heroin!

What is your most embarrassing moment? In high school, I was in charge of hiding the cooler of beer for an after party. My parents found it and placed Sprite inside and dumped the beer out. I didn't realize until I got to the party. My parents think it's the greatest prank of all time.

That's actually a really, really good prank. I want this guy to get to hometowns so I can meet his parents. And yes, I know I won't actually get to meet them. 


Age: 26

Occupation: Rehab Consultant
Hometown: Tahoka, TX
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our token guy with an absolutely horrible haircut. Couple that with an argyle sweater and we've really got something here. I guarantee these answers are going to be sooooooo dumb. 

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ryan Gosling. He's young, talented, and powerful. He's made something of himself and that gives him lots of choices in life. I want choices.

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
John Mayer - His storytelling/lyrics and songwriting
Bruno Mars - He's unique
Justin Timberlake - He's innovative and a pioneer

Again with the Timberlake!?!? I mean, I like Timbers (not calling him JT), but top 3 favorites? And you're a guy? AND John Mayer and Bruno Mars?!?!?

If I could be someone for 400 days, I wouldn't be Ryan Gosling. He seems like a very nice guy and a good actor and probably beds many many many beautiful women, BUT HE'S A WHITE GUY WHO ACTS. 

All right, here I am making fun of these guys for their dumb answers ... it's only fair that I try to answer one of these questions. 

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Hmmmmm, good question Darryl. I'll tell ya this much, I wouldn't be a white person. I've been a white person for 35 years now and this is no way to live. So one day, one dayyyyyyy? Hmmm, gotta be somebody tall and strong and good at basketball. And somebody who lives a life of luxury and has the ability to impregnate a woman. I'm going with my neighbor, Leonard. I love that guy


Age: 25

Occupation: Accountant
Hometown: Scottsdale, AZ
Who do you admire most in the world and why?My Parents - their love for each other is what I hope to achieve with my wife someday. They have been married for over 30 years and they love, respect and trust each other like no other couple I have ever seen.

Shuttttt upppppppppp. 


Age: 30

Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Oak Creek, WI
Looks a little like a happy dick, and I can't wrap my head around that shirt/vest combo, but people from the midwest are generally really nice, so I'm pullin' for him. 

What is your favorite childhood memory?
Wow what a question...I think Sunday morning Packer Games. The whole family would be together.

What is your motto?
Nothing is so bad that you can't get through it. Enjoy life.

Tattoo Count: 

Right and Left Shoulders

I like this guy! 

Ryan P.

Age: 31

Occupation: Solar Energy Executive
Hometown: Fresno, CA
Status: Eliminated prior to the 7th Rose Ceremony
What is your greatest achievement to date? Building what is now one of the largest solar electricity companies in the U.S.

We know Ryan, we know. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why?


Age: 26

Occupation: Party MC
Hometown: Monroe Township, NJ
All right, first off, this guy's name is STEVIE, so gotta think he's missing 1, maybe 2 chromosomes? And secondly, how 'bout that green shirt! Shocking that a party MC from New Jerz would wear that -- AND have some stubble on his chin!

If you could be someone for just one day, who would it be and why?
Justin Timberlake because I would love to be able to sing for a crowd of screaming fans.

Which U.S. city is the most romantic to you and why?
Las Vegas because you have everything at your finger tips.

Just when you thought Stevie couldn't be any more retarded, another Timberlake reference and LAS VEGAS as the most romantic city? "Oh, honey, this is so romantic. I love walking these streets hand in hand, nuzzling against you and look! you can see that lady's twat through her dress! and that guy is barfing into a shoe! There's another twat!"


Age: 31

Occupation: Lumber Trader
Hometown: Beaverton, OR

If you wanted to approach a woman you had never met before, how would you go about it?
I wouldn't just come up and say "Hi, I'm Tony." I would compliment her or if she was looking at a menu, I would say something about it that was funny. Humor is the best ice breaker.

Hey there, that-uhhh, that menu you're looking at there? What a menu huh? Appetizers? More like Snacketizers. Eh? Or should I say, or should I say, Snarpitizers? Hey Dolly, can we get an order of mozzarella sticks Snarpitizers? Yeah? Yep, I know comedy.  


Age: 30

Occupation: Advertising Sales Rep
Hometown: Madison, MS
Would you say you're a little bit country or more of a city person? Being from Mississippi of course I'm going to be a country boy. But people don't consider me to be because of the way I dress and carry myself. I tend to be a little 'Metro'.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Muhammad Ali: He was a champion and knew he had you as soon as he walked into a room. I loved his confidence & swagger.

So you most identify with Muhammad Ali, yet you also tend to be a little 'Metro.' Not delusional, not delusional at all. 

And the problem is, Muhammad Ali is dope! He's like one of the coolest, smartest, most likable historical figures ever. A really really good answer to that question. But he'd probably punch you right in your stupid face for making that comparison. Not because it's necessarily insulting to him, but just because it's WRONG. The historical figure you most identify with Travis, is probably Martha Washington. Nice lady, niiiiiiiiiiice lady. 


Age: 30

Occupation: Cellular Phone Salesman
Hometown: Fostoria, OH
Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? No. Roommate has fish.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Bruce Willis -- 'cause then I would be John McClane and save the world in 2 hours.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Doing stand-up comedy or voice over work.

Yeah, good luck with that William. 

The Bachelorette starts TONIGHT at a NEW TIME ... 9:30 ... I know! ... And the Sixers game starts at 7 ... THIS COULD BE PERFECTTTTTTTTTTT ... although if the Bach ends at 11, that means I'll probably debrief with my wife til about 11:30, need about a half an hour of cool down, get in bed close to 12:30, won't fall asleep until after 1:45ish (too amped up), so expect a recap post ohhhhhhhh, next Thursday? So look for that. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at how happy these guys are


  1. Ew, why are all these same weirdos coming back!? Excellent post. This should be good.


    2. Also hope William doesn't kill himself.

    3. um were you fucking with your audience? so mad right now.

    4. As of Saturday, had all those mofos in there ... I don't know what happened. I'm just a simple blogger. I hope William kills himself.

  2. Kalon, the luxury brand consultant = cashier at his local Gucci/Hermes/Armani boutique. Gotta be.

  3. yes this is a good discussion ..I will bring it to others that have solar panels for salesolar panels for sale

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