Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Bachelorette: Not Sure How Much More I Can Take (I can probably take a lot more)

This guy's name is Stevie. That's his actual name. 

Well, I had a good run.

This is the ninth season of the Bachelor/ette that I've watched -- and in that time I've endured a grown man weeping over a balcony, a sociopath toying with a woman's heart, a deaf guy getting a tattoo and a one-legged wrestler attempting to limp his way out of thailand ... but this could be the season that breaks me.

I can't handle Stevie.

I just can't handle him.

That hat?

Ohhhhhh, that hat.

Like, he's a real human being who actually thought to himself, "You know, it'd be a good idea for me to wear this hat ... on a date ... on national television .... anddddd you know what? I'm gonna cock it to the side, because that's a good idea and I'm full of great ideas -- like this stubble on my chin."

And I know, I know, I shouldn't be so quick to judge. Maybe he's a nice guy and maybe he's a good bowler and I shouldn't use the word "retarded" and he was having such a nice time with those Muppets, but he looked so dumb in that dumb hat and I can't believe he's still on the show that must be a producer's pick and I can't take him, I just can't take him.

Last night while he was staring at the camera and wearing that hat (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION) I had to walk out of the room. I had to!

Then there's Doug, who my friend Nicki Minaj tweeted about:


Uhhhhh, this is the same guy who when he was asked why he put "being a father on hold" (leaving his 12-year-old son at home to come on the show), he said, "My son was the one who wanted me to come on the show. I asked him for advice and I listened."

Uhhhhh, WHO THE HELL TAKES ADVICE FROM A 12-YEAR-OLD????

12-YEAR-OLDS ARE RETARDED!

The other day, I saw two 12-year-olds on my block taking turns riding their bikes into a wall.

One by one, they'd pedal hard, gain speed and just smash into the wall. This was fun for them. One of them tried to do a wheelie into the wall.

Nail it Jimmy, nail it!

I taught middle school for four years and lemme tell you, those kids are retarded. This one time while I was trying to teach some dumb shit like the Pythagorean Theorem, this kid Breon (who was so sweet and so dumb) raised his hand and I thought ... Hmmmm, Breon never raises his hand, this must be important ... and he goes:

"Mister M, Mister M, can't a squirrel go faster than a car?"

Hmmmm ... 

Breon chose his words very carefully. He said, "can't a squirrel" as if he had heard this somewhere before and came to me for some sort of confirmation. As if he had just been at the lunch table having this argument with the other kids, They can go faster than a car! I seen em! ... Are you crazy, Breon?! ... I seen it! ... Cars are fast as shit, Breon! ... I'mma ask Mister M! He'll tell ya, he'll know what I'm talkin bout!


How do you answer a question like this, from a person who clearly has no knowledge of cars, squirrels or anything?

Well Breon, ummm, a squirrel is certainly quicker than a car. Shiftier, moving side to side. It's more agile, it can climb trees and jump, but I'm pretty sure cars are faster.

I'm not even sure if Breon listened to my answer -- the kid was a total space cadet -- but the fact remains that if I ever need advice on life decisions, I'm not asking him or any other person under the age of 47.

That's a pretty nice fucking squirrel. 

In the middle of last night's episode, my mom called me up to tell me how boring she thought the show (and Emily) was. My Mom sometimes talks reallllyyyyy slowwwwly:

MOM:  This ... is ... the most borrringgggg ... painful ... she is so ... so ... so borrrriiiinnngggggg. Is she retarded? Miss No Personality.

EV:  Well she almost has a personality.

MOM:  Okay, almost.

Then my mom paused, and in her most serious tone -- which is really really serious -- she said:

MOM: But she has a bea-yooo-tiful young body.

EV:  Yes she does, Mom. Yes she does.

MOM:  Also, if I had eaten more for dinner tonight, I would've thrown up.

That's Wendy!

The most exciting part of last night's episode was the Wendy's commercial that featured the actual Wendy! My wife's bro, Nick, claims that her real name is actually Melinda. And when I asked him how he knew that, he said his buddy did a report on Wendy's in high school.

Would've loved to have seen that presentation.

TEACHER:  Thank you Stephanie for your report on the war in the former Yugoslavia. I had no idea so many people were killed attempting to buy blue jeans. Thank you. Up next is Bill who is going to tell us the difference between a hamburger and a cheeseburger. Bill?

BILL:  Thanks Mrs. Freedman. Hamburgers and cheeseburgers both have burgers and they both have buns and they both have cheese. No, wait. Hamburgers are different 'cause they have cheeseburgers. Hold on, can I start over?

TEACHER:  Yes, Bill.

BILL:  I sure do like cheesebunners.

If the Bachelorette keeps on going like this, I may be forced to make fun of the guy with the brain injury ... and I don't wanna do that. I'd rather spend the next few months making fun of Jef, who should really just go by "Je" at this point. That's what I'm calling him from now on ... Je.

Je suis finis avec cette blorgpost.

Finis!


Best Je ever? Much better than Je Probst.


Can we get some fucking comments going on down here or what?!?! I didn't even talk about Kalen or Tank Top Tony or the fact that every single one of these guys has such big you know whats. Where's Aubre at? Where's Gabulous at? Where's American Bridget Jones at? I know y'allz read this isht! Orrrrrrrrrrr, if you don't wanna comment, check out this kid eating french toast.

24 comments:

  1. This link appeared on my Facebook newsfeed right above some post from one of my churchy friends about church and the importance of not judging others.

    I don't watch the Bach or the Bachette, so I really have no comments relative to your post. I'm merely helping you feel like people read your schmog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that church-poster is a woman, can you PLEASE copy and paste a picture of her in her most conservative outfit, possibly a turtleneck? Thank you, - the management

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  2. I'm here, I'm here. Though, I have to admit ever since I effed up my DVR thing-y I've missed out on the Bach. And, then I can't decide if watching DWTS this season is worth it either. Oh, and I had a horrible second first date last night and I would rather have shoved ice picks into my eyeballs and watched the Bach hanging upside down with all the blood rush to my head then to have been on this second first date. Bear with me (or is it bare with me - can never remembs), while I do some catching up on ye ole' tele shows, Evster.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So far, two commenters, neither of whom watch the Bach ... WHAT IS WONG WITH YOU PEOPLE ... Donald Driver's name is Donald!

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  3. Oh, and Evan, I'll prolly hit you up to guest post on my blorg as you call it to help me decipher why men don't want to date me...dealio?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm always up for a guest post / money making opportunity.

      LET'S MAKE SOME GODDAMN MONEY!

      Delete
  4. I was distracted this week by how shiny all the men were. I get that North Carolina is humid and more humid than LA, but if they can afford to fly people in private jets everywhere, I feel like they could up the face powder budget. Also, as a native of NJ, I don't know how they keep managing thee WORST people to represent us on reality television, but they do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Being from Philadelph, I know that there are SOME parts of New Jerz that are all right -- some decent bowling alleys, lots of corn on the cobber, the motherfrogan Atlantic Oashe! ... BUT TELEVISION HAS NOT HELPED Y'ALLZ OUTTTTT.

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  5. stevie's intro dance moves were fantastic. how can you not acknowledge that? i was seriously hoping for a stevie dance solo during the muppets jaune. also, anybody else think emily is kind of a bossy-shitbag?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My wife really really really likes Emily ... I like her O.K., I think she's funnier and smarter than she seems.

      Stevie had SUCH A GOOD TIME with the Muppets.

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    2. I also think she is a bossy shitbag. Well said.

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  6. Here you go Evan, a comment on the Bachelorette:

    I live in Charlotte and this season is still putting me to sleep. I am kind of shocked how many times they keep showing Emily's house. She lives on a pretty busy street here and I drive by there all the time (in a totally non-stalker way, of course). I am also shocked that the Hendrick family is letting her participate in these shenanigans. They must have cut her off or something, right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also, look at this shit. Horrifying.

      http://ossocharlotte.com/the-bachelorette-emily-maynard/

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    2. That is absolutely unbelievable. The website offer and the fact that you live in Charlotte.

      For the record, my favorite Hendrick is George.

      http://www.baseballsblackheritage.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/George-Hendrick.jpg

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    3. I want to have George's babies.

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  7. I can't believe you haven't commented on
    1. Ryans tufted hairstyle
    2. the amount of V-necks every one wears
    3. Doug ruining Kalon's hot tub sesh with repeatedly telling him to "Check it"
    4. Emily's plastic surgery. She looks so weird and different!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1. pretty sure I compared Ry-Guy's hair to a Morroccan footballer's last week.
      2. I been discussed V-Necks last seez.
      3. I sort-of DID discuss Doug ... that's like the only thing I discussed.
      4. I think she looks nice.
      5. You're still pound-for-pound the best rebounder I've ever played with.
      6. Apologies to Demetrius Moze

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    2. whatever ! i hope Wendy is the bachelorette next season.
      future shows should be:
      bachelor - chris harrison
      bachelorette - Wendy
      bachelor - mr brad part III
      bachelorette - Ashley part II
      bachelor - Ames
      Bachelorette - chris harrison's ex-wifey
      bachelor - Donald Driver
      bachelorette - Ashelys Tattoed Siste

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  8. have we discussed how Chris Harrison and Emily are totally going to end up together? there is so much tension there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He is so so so so so so in love with her!

      There's no way she'd go for a tweedle like him though. He's a tweedle, right?!?!

      Delete
  9. I just caught up on the show last night. Hands down the best part was the preview for the upcoming ep where the ostrich egg cracks on the floor.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Also kinda rude that they didn't clean it up?

      I hope Harrison had to clean it up. What does that guy do?!?!?

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  10. I had to catch up on two weeks' worth of eps last night. It felt like a lifetime. I don't want to say too much because I can't remember what happened in what episode and what if I'm commenting on the most recent episode when you haven't recapped it yet? BUT not QUITE sure why I didn't get a "why no comments from" shout-out from you at the end of your post. WHATEVER. I agree with your mom and goheels83 that this season is....soooooo...soooooo...borrrrrrrrinnnnng. I think it's Emily. She's hot, and she seems to know how to flirt, but she doesn't actually, like, DO IT or something. Also, I just don't care about anything she says, and I don't care about what these dudes have to say because they DO care etc etc etc. Though the conversation in this most recent one with Alessandro...well, that was the most interesting thing that's happened yet.

    Aaaaannnnnd now I'm bored with my own comment. Thanks, Emily.

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    1. I have a friend/coworker who's a total weirdo (he doesn't eat bread, he looks at himself REALLY HARD in the mirror in the bathroom, he likes Jason Mraz), but he's a really nice guy who likes chicks and I've turned him onto watching the Bach ... anyway, he agrees w/ you Sara ... Emily's hot and she's okay, but she just lacks that certain special spark that you want in a woman ... you know, that something that every Latino woman seems to be born with ... I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that there's no man out there who's jerking it/twerking it to Emily ... and that's just sad.

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