|This guy's name is Stevie. That's his actual name.|
Well, I had a good run.
This is the ninth season of the Bachelor/ette that I've watched -- and in that time I've endured a grown man weeping over a balcony, a sociopath toying with a woman's heart, a deaf guy getting a tattoo and a one-legged wrestler attempting to limp his way out of thailand ... but this could be the season that breaks me.
I can't handle Stevie.
I just can't handle him.
Ohhhhhh, that hat.
Like, he's a real human being who actually thought to himself, "You know, it'd be a good idea for me to wear this hat ... on a date ... on national television .... anddddd you know what? I'm gonna cock it to the side, because that's a good idea and I'm full of great ideas -- like this stubble on my chin."
And I know, I know, I shouldn't be so quick to judge. Maybe he's a nice guy and maybe he's a good bowler and I shouldn't use the word "retarded" and he was having such a nice time with those Muppets, but he looked so dumb in that dumb hat and I can't believe he's still on the show that must be a producer's pick and I can't take him, I just can't take him.
Last night while he was staring at the camera and wearing that hat (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION) I had to walk out of the room. I had to!
Then there's Doug, who my friend Nicki Minaj tweeted about:
Uhhhhh, this is the same guy who when he was asked why he put "being a father on hold" (leaving his 12-year-old son at home to come on the show), he said, "My son was the one who wanted me to come on the show. I asked him for advice and I listened."
Uhhhhh, WHO THE HELL TAKES ADVICE FROM A 12-YEAR-OLD????
12-YEAR-OLDS ARE RETARDED!
The other day, I saw two 12-year-olds on my block taking turns riding their bikes into a wall.
One by one, they'd pedal hard, gain speed and just smash into the wall. This was fun for them. One of them tried to do a wheelie into the wall.
|Nail it Jimmy, nail it!|
I taught middle school for four years and lemme tell you, those kids are retarded. This one time while I was trying to teach some dumb shit like the Pythagorean Theorem, this kid Breon (who was so sweet and so dumb) raised his hand and I thought ... Hmmmm, Breon never raises his hand, this must be important ... and he goes:
"Mister M, Mister M, can't a squirrel go faster than a car?"
Breon chose his words very carefully. He said, "can't a squirrel" as if he had heard this somewhere before and came to me for some sort of confirmation. As if he had just been at the lunch table having this argument with the other kids, They can go faster than a car! I seen em! ... Are you crazy, Breon?! ... I seen it! ... Cars are fast as shit, Breon! ... I'mma ask Mister M! He'll tell ya, he'll know what I'm talkin bout!
How do you answer a question like this, from a person who clearly has no knowledge of cars, squirrels or anything?
Well Breon, ummm, a squirrel is certainly quicker than a car. Shiftier, moving side to side. It's more agile, it can climb trees and jump, but I'm pretty sure cars are faster.
I'm not even sure if Breon listened to my answer -- the kid was a total space cadet -- but the fact remains that if I ever need advice on life decisions, I'm not asking him or any other person under the age of 47.
|That's a pretty nice fucking squirrel.|
In the middle of last night's episode, my mom called me up to tell me how boring she thought the show (and Emily) was. My Mom sometimes talks reallllyyyyy slowwwwly:
MOM: This ... is ... the most borrringgggg ... painful ... she is so ... so ... so borrrriiiinnngggggg. Is she retarded? Miss No Personality.
EV: Well she almost has a personality.
MOM: Okay, almost.
Then my mom paused, and in her most serious tone -- which is really really serious -- she said:
MOM: But she has a bea-yooo-tiful young body.
EV: Yes she does, Mom. Yes she does.
MOM: Also, if I had eaten more for dinner tonight, I would've thrown up.
The most exciting part of last night's episode was the Wendy's commercial that featured the actual Wendy! My wife's bro, Nick, claims that her real name is actually Melinda. And when I asked him how he knew that, he said his buddy did a report on Wendy's in high school.
Would've loved to have seen that presentation.
TEACHER: Thank you Stephanie for your report on the war in the former Yugoslavia. I had no idea so many people were killed attempting to buy blue jeans. Thank you. Up next is Bill who is going to tell us the difference between a hamburger and a cheeseburger. Bill?
BILL: Thanks Mrs. Freedman. Hamburgers and cheeseburgers both have burgers and they both have buns and they both have cheese. No, wait. Hamburgers are different 'cause they have cheeseburgers. Hold on, can I start over?
TEACHER: Yes, Bill.
BILL: I sure do like cheesebunners.
If the Bachelorette keeps on going like this, I may be forced to make fun of the guy with the brain injury ... and I don't wanna do that. I'd rather spend the next few months making fun of Jef, who should really just go by "Je" at this point. That's what I'm calling him from now on ... Je.
Je suis finis avec cette blorgpost.
|Best Je ever? Much better than Je Probst.|
Can we get some fucking comments going on down here or what?!?! I didn't even talk about Kalen or Tank Top Tony or the fact that every single one of these guys has such big you know whats. Where's Aubre at? Where's Gabulous at? Where's American Bridget Jones at? I know y'allz read this isht! Orrrrrrrrrrr, if you don't wanna comment, check out this kid eating french toast.