Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Bachelorette: Emily Is Not Doing This Right

Now THAT is a freshly shaved armpit.

Someone needs to explain to me how scaling a skyscraper helps a woman select a stepfather for her stupid child (who has some sort of speech impediment, right? ... I don't understand one word that girl ever says).

I understand baking cookies with a dude, that makes sense, and I even get going to an amusement park with a guy, but I just don't see the value in climbing a buildi...I didn't even know climbing buildings was a thing!

You can do that? You can just...there are companies that specialize in taking people to climb buildings? And if you want, you can, "Yo, I've got a date with Lisa on Thursday night, not sure what to do." ... Why don't you guys climb a building? ... "Hey, not a bad idea." ... Yeah it's awesome, I did it at Leo's bachelor party ... "Noyce!"

I'm sorry, but I don't think this actually happens. I'm 35 years old, I've done some stuff in my life, and I've never seen anyone climbing a building (except on the Bach). I've never seen pictures on Facebook, I've never seen footage on America's Funniest Home Videos, I've never even heard of ... I've never heard ONE GUY, one consultant, from some big NYC consulting place, tell a story about how he once climbed a building and nailed some stripper in a harness.

Am I crazy here, or have people climbed buildings in pretty much every season of this show? I think ABC must've gotten a deal on Groupon or something from Joe's Building Climbing, buy one get one -- and they got like six of 'em. And since when is dancing to music played by some guy wearing a t-shirt the most romantic way to end an evening? Whatever happened to good ole fashioned slurpin' and burpin?

Clearly ABC's running out of ideas of things to do on dates -- which is strange, 'cause off the top of my head I can think of at least six things that would be more exciting, entertaining and practical than having two people climb a building (again).

Such as:

- Taming a lion (with the help of a professional lion tamer of course)
- Eating the world's largest cheeseburger
- Wrestling a dog
- Playing lacrosse with real live Indians
- Watching a few episodes of a popular AMC television program based on the Danish show Forbrydelsen
- Taking hallucinogenics

Uhhh, we're looking for a little Brazilian guy, he's about 5'3", loves performing cunniling.

That's him!

Regardless of your personal feelings as to how climbing buildings helps women select stepfathers, Emily's first date, Chris, seemed quite convinced that he's ready to be a father.

"I'm a man," said Chris, who's not that good-looking by the by! "I left home at 17 to go to school. I'm a man."

Uhhhh, left home at 17 to go to school? So did 90% of my graduating high school class, including Gary Fender, who barfed in some chick's hair pretty much bi-weekly during his time at Shippensburg U. I saw him last week, he now sells insurance and still has no idea how to correctly wear a belt. I mean c'mon Chris, it's not like you left your home island of Mepos to discover some new world across the Atlantic Oashe. You went to Trenton State.

I gotta pause for a second to mention that in 24 hours from now, the TVMWW Art Contest Presented By Sal's Automotive will come to a close. Have you gotten your entry in yet? The Grand Prize Winner will get TWO MOTHAFLUCKIN PIZZAS delivered to his/her home or place of business (or any address that you choose to give me). It's not hard! Just send in some art to You don't need to use Photoshop. You can draw stuff, you can use this website to help you make one of those meme things, look, I'm gonna make something right now:

In case you can't read what they're saying:
Emily says, "Hey everybody! I took a shit!"
 Then the next guy says, "Oh My God! That's wonderful!"
Then the next guy says, "I took a shit once!" (and he has his hand raised)
Then there's some other guy saying, "I'm so happy to be here!"

Back to the Bach, where Emily had the fellas meet a few of her friends to get their opinions of the dudes. Now this seems like a realistic way to get to know someone and see if he's the right fit for you and your daughter (who can't talk for shit!). Personally, I don't care about other peoples' opinions, other people are idiots, but I understand why she would have her friends meet the fellas. But why were the dudes so freaked out that they had to talk a bunch of middle-aged women?!?!

If I were on this show (and I know, I know, I never could be a contestant because I have way too many moles), I would relish the opportunity to actually TALK TO PEOPLE as opposed to singing with Muppets or revealing my moles or being forced to enter some strange art contest that nobody even quite understands.

For some dudes it obviously backfired, like for Allesandro who was exposed for previously cheating on his girlfriend (who was also his cousin?) and having a one-night stand. I don't get that for one second. I like those qualities in a person. I'd be concerned if my wife hadn't done those things. Besides, anyone could take one look at Allesandro and tell that he's the kinda guy who loves to perform cunniling, which is a total asset in any life situation.

What an interesting little guy.

I don't remember this scene!
But I like his "I'm just gonna shove it right in there" method!

Sad to see him go, as was I to see Tank Top Tony pack his bags, who had potential to be one of the all-time biggest drips in Bach history. It seemed as if he thought his CRYING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION would HELP him win Emily's affection. Dude, first of alls, your dumb, stupid five-year-old son doesn't give a shit that you're gone. Five-year-olds have very simple agendas in life -- they just wanna eat blueberries and play with blocks and look at a fucking fire engine driving by and I'm sorry that I called your son dumb and stupid, but he's probably dumb and stupid if he has your DNA in him. Remember folks, Tony was the dude who on the first ep offered Emily the golden slipper and said some shit like, "It's not how many breaths you take in life, but how many moments that take your breath away," and then did like a hundred pushups. It's also not about baby-talking to your son on speakerphone ON NATIONAL TELEVISION ... it's about performing cunniling whenever and wherever you can.

And then there's Stevie, who has popped, locked and dropped on TV for the last time. Look, there's two types of good dancers in this world: there's dancers who just move around and do stuff, and there's dancers who have moves. Dancers who have moves practice their shit in front of mirrors and go to schools like Trenton State. They're fun to watch on YouTube or at middle school assemblies, and that's pretty much it -- you'd never actually reallllllly want to associate with one of 'em. That's Stevie. The dancers who just kind of move around and do stuff and have a good time (like Adam from Girls), they're the types of dudes who perform cunniling.

Arie seems all right. He's cool, I guess, for a dude does his hair. He certainly knows how to jam his tongue down a chick's throat, but I gotta be honest, I paid very little attention to his date because my wife and I couldn't stop talking about Dolly Parton's gaborbensens. And not even her gaborbensens really, more the rumor that Dolly HAD A FEW RIBS REMOVED in order to make room for her enormous gaborbensens!

I googled "Dolly Parton ribs removed" (and also "Pardon These Naughty Barefoot Gutter Sluts") and found very disappointing results. Turns out she did not have her ribs removed, but I did learn that Nancy Reagan liked to slurp and burp with the best of 'em.

What have we learned from all this?




but I do know that if Emily is truly searching for love and a stepfather for her kid (possibly a problem with her hearing? that's sad), she's gonna need to really open herself up (not emotionally, the other way).

I'm talking about Forbrydlesen!

Just like to take a second to thank the good people at Sal's Automotive for sponsoring the TVMWW Art Contest. Stop on in and get one of their famous Louisiana Lube Jobs for only $29.99. Mention my name and they'll charge you and even $40. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, behold the beauties from the very first Bachelor Miss America competish.


  1. I really, really need to start watching this train wreck. Why am I not tuned it yet. It's simply a matter of hooking back up my DVR player. Speaking of players, met another doucher down here in Dallas. This city is infested with them. Send one of your New England boys down yonder so I can swoon over someone who doesn't drive some big ass truck and wear some corn hole cowboy hat for a livin'.

    1. I'm not from New Engs, I'm from Illadelph! ... New England can take a shit!

      (I actually quite like it up there ... spent 5 years in Boston ... met my wife there ... also a place that reallllyyyy embraces cunniling.)

    2. I was born in VT. My mom's side is from NY. Anything north of Maryland is NE in my book, bro.

      Or just sent some hot piece of Illadelph arse my way, that works too.

    3. VT YAY! represent the 802!
      eff you evan, New england is the best

    4. yeah, fuck you Evan you dick!

  2. Cunnilingus for Vice President! Obama-- Cunnilingus 2012!

  3. Are we not going to talk about Emily's mom with the tranny voice? I think I contracted emphysema just by tuning in.

    1. In my notes (and yes, I take notes), I wrote down: "Emily's mom ... man?"

  4. you still didn't mention sean. who is the best.
    also. allesandro, and HIS COUSIN? ew. ew ew ewwwwww.

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