Thursday, May 31, 2012

The Bachelorette: Emily Is Not Doing This Right

Now THAT is a freshly shaved armpit.

Someone needs to explain to me how scaling a skyscraper helps a woman select a stepfather for her stupid child (who has some sort of speech impediment, right? ... I don't understand one word that girl ever says).

I understand baking cookies with a dude, that makes sense, and I even get going to an amusement park with a guy, but I just don't see the value in climbing a buildi...I didn't even know climbing buildings was a thing!

You can do that? You can just...there are companies that specialize in taking people to climb buildings? And if you want, you can, "Yo, I've got a date with Lisa on Thursday night, not sure what to do." ... Why don't you guys climb a building? ... "Hey, not a bad idea." ... Yeah it's awesome, I did it at Leo's bachelor party ... "Noyce!"

I'm sorry, but I don't think this actually happens. I'm 35 years old, I've done some stuff in my life, and I've never seen anyone climbing a building (except on the Bach). I've never seen pictures on Facebook, I've never seen footage on America's Funniest Home Videos, I've never even heard of ... I've never heard ONE GUY, one consultant, from some big NYC consulting place, tell a story about how he once climbed a building and nailed some stripper in a harness.

Am I crazy here, or have people climbed buildings in pretty much every season of this show? I think ABC must've gotten a deal on Groupon or something from Joe's Building Climbing, buy one get one -- and they got like six of 'em. And since when is dancing to music played by some guy wearing a t-shirt the most romantic way to end an evening? Whatever happened to good ole fashioned slurpin' and burpin?

Clearly ABC's running out of ideas of things to do on dates -- which is strange, 'cause off the top of my head I can think of at least six things that would be more exciting, entertaining and practical than having two people climb a building (again).

Such as:

- Taming a lion (with the help of a professional lion tamer of course)
- Eating the world's largest cheeseburger
- Wrestling a dog
- Playing lacrosse with real live Indians
- Watching a few episodes of a popular AMC television program based on the Danish show Forbrydelsen
- Taking hallucinogenics

Uhhh, we're looking for a little Brazilian guy, he's about 5'3", loves performing cunniling.

That's him!

Regardless of your personal feelings as to how climbing buildings helps women select stepfathers, Emily's first date, Chris, seemed quite convinced that he's ready to be a father.

"I'm a man," said Chris, who's not that good-looking by the by! "I left home at 17 to go to school. I'm a man."

Uhhhh, left home at 17 to go to school? So did 90% of my graduating high school class, including Gary Fender, who barfed in some chick's hair pretty much bi-weekly during his time at Shippensburg U. I saw him last week, he now sells insurance and still has no idea how to correctly wear a belt. I mean c'mon Chris, it's not like you left your home island of Mepos to discover some new world across the Atlantic Oashe. You went to Trenton State.

I gotta pause for a second to mention that in 24 hours from now, the TVMWW Art Contest Presented By Sal's Automotive will come to a close. Have you gotten your entry in yet? The Grand Prize Winner will get TWO MOTHAFLUCKIN PIZZAS delivered to his/her home or place of business (or any address that you choose to give me). It's not hard! Just send in some art to You don't need to use Photoshop. You can draw stuff, you can use this website to help you make one of those meme things, look, I'm gonna make something right now:

In case you can't read what they're saying:
Emily says, "Hey everybody! I took a shit!"
 Then the next guy says, "Oh My God! That's wonderful!"
Then the next guy says, "I took a shit once!" (and he has his hand raised)
Then there's some other guy saying, "I'm so happy to be here!"

Back to the Bach, where Emily had the fellas meet a few of her friends to get their opinions of the dudes. Now this seems like a realistic way to get to know someone and see if he's the right fit for you and your daughter (who can't talk for shit!). Personally, I don't care about other peoples' opinions, other people are idiots, but I understand why she would have her friends meet the fellas. But why were the dudes so freaked out that they had to talk a bunch of middle-aged women?!?!

If I were on this show (and I know, I know, I never could be a contestant because I have way too many moles), I would relish the opportunity to actually TALK TO PEOPLE as opposed to singing with Muppets or revealing my moles or being forced to enter some strange art contest that nobody even quite understands.

For some dudes it obviously backfired, like for Allesandro who was exposed for previously cheating on his girlfriend (who was also his cousin?) and having a one-night stand. I don't get that for one second. I like those qualities in a person. I'd be concerned if my wife hadn't done those things. Besides, anyone could take one look at Allesandro and tell that he's the kinda guy who loves to perform cunniling, which is a total asset in any life situation.

What an interesting little guy.

I don't remember this scene!
But I like his "I'm just gonna shove it right in there" method!

Sad to see him go, as was I to see Tank Top Tony pack his bags, who had potential to be one of the all-time biggest drips in Bach history. It seemed as if he thought his CRYING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION would HELP him win Emily's affection. Dude, first of alls, your dumb, stupid five-year-old son doesn't give a shit that you're gone. Five-year-olds have very simple agendas in life -- they just wanna eat blueberries and play with blocks and look at a fucking fire engine driving by and I'm sorry that I called your son dumb and stupid, but he's probably dumb and stupid if he has your DNA in him. Remember folks, Tony was the dude who on the first ep offered Emily the golden slipper and said some shit like, "It's not how many breaths you take in life, but how many moments that take your breath away," and then did like a hundred pushups. It's also not about baby-talking to your son on speakerphone ON NATIONAL TELEVISION ... it's about performing cunniling whenever and wherever you can.

And then there's Stevie, who has popped, locked and dropped on TV for the last time. Look, there's two types of good dancers in this world: there's dancers who just move around and do stuff, and there's dancers who have moves. Dancers who have moves practice their shit in front of mirrors and go to schools like Trenton State. They're fun to watch on YouTube or at middle school assemblies, and that's pretty much it -- you'd never actually reallllllly want to associate with one of 'em. That's Stevie. The dancers who just kind of move around and do stuff and have a good time (like Adam from Girls), they're the types of dudes who perform cunniling.

Arie seems all right. He's cool, I guess, for a dude does his hair. He certainly knows how to jam his tongue down a chick's throat, but I gotta be honest, I paid very little attention to his date because my wife and I couldn't stop talking about Dolly Parton's gaborbensens. And not even her gaborbensens really, more the rumor that Dolly HAD A FEW RIBS REMOVED in order to make room for her enormous gaborbensens!

I googled "Dolly Parton ribs removed" (and also "Pardon These Naughty Barefoot Gutter Sluts") and found very disappointing results. Turns out she did not have her ribs removed, but I did learn that Nancy Reagan liked to slurp and burp with the best of 'em.

What have we learned from all this?




but I do know that if Emily is truly searching for love and a stepfather for her kid (possibly a problem with her hearing? that's sad), she's gonna need to really open herself up (not emotionally, the other way).

I'm talking about Forbrydlesen!

Just like to take a second to thank the good people at Sal's Automotive for sponsoring the TVMWW Art Contest. Stop on in and get one of their famous Louisiana Lube Jobs for only $29.99. Mention my name and they'll charge you and even $40. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, behold the beauties from the very first Bachelor Miss America competish.

It's Coming, It's Coming ...

Read this in the meantime you jerk!

Sorry for the lack of posts, blah blah blah, but I've been very busy (and very very very sleepy).

I've got a new Bach jawn roasting in the chamber that I'm hoping to finish it in the next 7-47 hours.

Thank you for your patience on this matter and have a blessed day.

- Evan Ann Krentz

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Donald Driver's Jawn, Betina ... Yep, Betina

Donald couldn't have worn a less-wrinklier shirt? 
You're a goddamn Mirror Ball champion, Donald!

It's amazing that a man named Donald could succeed in this world, but Donald Driver, the newest Dancing With the Stars champion, is doing just that.

He's got a Super Bowl ring, a Mirror Ball trophy and a wife with glutes like a goddamn steamroller.

So let's check out this Wednesday's Wifey, Betina Driver.


If you squint your eyes and look very very carefully, Betina kinda, sorta, looks exactly like Bethenny Frankel.

I would pay top dollar to watch her wrestle my mailman, Cliff.


The most amazing thing about this picture is the tag on Betina's hip that reads #138 ... how are their ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN OTHER PEOPLE IN THIS COMPETITION?

Forget about the fact that the entire Driver family is wearing matching pajamas ... or that the size of this .jpeg is like 15x70 ... BUT HOW SOFT DOES THAT COUCH LOOK?!?!

Adorable family? Absolutely. White teeth, bright smiles, but the star of this pic is the SOFTEST CARPET I'VE EVER SEEN.

How plush is that thing??? And where the hell are they, Claude Monet's living room?

French Impressionist jokes!

There's no way Cliff would've gotten that joke. No offense Cliff, if you're reading this. You're not reading this.



Who made that dress, Claude Monet?!

(It makes no sense. None.)

But why are the Trumps standing with their arms like that? Were they just standing back-to-back to see who was taller and just turned around? By the way, Cliff is like 6 foot 7. He's like the best mailman ever. I'm 95% sure his last name is Robinson.

And check it out ... another plush carpet!

I don't ever remember taking a family picture growing up. Ever. Do families do this? I remember trying on my mother's heels and shaving my dad's back, but never posing for a family pic.

I also remember going to this business function once and meeting this total dweebazoid who had the absolute wettest lower lip in the history of lower lips, and every time he spoke he spit all over the place ... my buddy Gellz liked him because he was wearing a "power tie," which is what businessmen like Gellz call a "red tie." Apparently that's a thing in the business world. Power ties. I have zero dollars in my 401K.

Nice that Donny has his kids thinking about success at an early age. I've never seen redder nails than Ivana's. Any chance she's wearing panties in this pic? I kinda feel like she might be wearing multiple pairs.

Now this is my kinda Donald.

The Sutherlands aren't posing on some stupid carpet, they're taking LSD and letting their children get Lyme disease. You can also totally tell that Donald's youngest son has a huge hammer.

Did I mention that Cliff is really tall?


Daisy def just told Donald that she needs to get spanked ... Donald's gonna do some work tonight!

These two are kinky as fuck!

Leather gloves?

Wednesday's Wifey everybody!

Concluding statement about Cliff!

Let's get kinky!

Over the last month or so, I've had a few requests to bring back Wednesday's Wifey. That's not a lie. I know it sounds like a lie, but it's not. Do you have any Wednesday Wifey requests? Leave them in the comments sectsh or email me at ... or check out this amazing photo gallery of sports fans and those giant cutout heads that are quite popular these days.

Or you could watch this video of my buddy Bob who just broke the World Planking Record, which apparently is a thing. He planked for like 80 minutes, so that's nice for him. Cliff could probably plank for like a hunnerd

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The Bachelorette: Not Sure How Much More I Can Take (I can probably take a lot more)

This guy's name is Stevie. That's his actual name. 

Well, I had a good run.

This is the ninth season of the Bachelor/ette that I've watched -- and in that time I've endured a grown man weeping over a balcony, a sociopath toying with a woman's heart, a deaf guy getting a tattoo and a one-legged wrestler attempting to limp his way out of thailand ... but this could be the season that breaks me.

I can't handle Stevie.

I just can't handle him.

That hat?

Ohhhhhh, that hat.

Like, he's a real human being who actually thought to himself, "You know, it'd be a good idea for me to wear this hat ... on a date ... on national television .... anddddd you know what? I'm gonna cock it to the side, because that's a good idea and I'm full of great ideas -- like this stubble on my chin."

And I know, I know, I shouldn't be so quick to judge. Maybe he's a nice guy and maybe he's a good bowler and I shouldn't use the word "retarded" and he was having such a nice time with those Muppets, but he looked so dumb in that dumb hat and I can't believe he's still on the show that must be a producer's pick and I can't take him, I just can't take him.

Last night while he was staring at the camera and wearing that hat (ON NATIONAL TELEVISION) I had to walk out of the room. I had to!

Then there's Doug, who my friend Nicki Minaj tweeted about:

Uhhhhh, this is the same guy who when he was asked why he put "being a father on hold" (leaving his 12-year-old son at home to come on the show), he said, "My son was the one who wanted me to come on the show. I asked him for advice and I listened."



The other day, I saw two 12-year-olds on my block taking turns riding their bikes into a wall.

One by one, they'd pedal hard, gain speed and just smash into the wall. This was fun for them. One of them tried to do a wheelie into the wall.

Nail it Jimmy, nail it!

I taught middle school for four years and lemme tell you, those kids are retarded. This one time while I was trying to teach some dumb shit like the Pythagorean Theorem, this kid Breon (who was so sweet and so dumb) raised his hand and I thought ... Hmmmm, Breon never raises his hand, this must be important ... and he goes:

"Mister M, Mister M, can't a squirrel go faster than a car?"

Hmmmm ... 

Breon chose his words very carefully. He said, "can't a squirrel" as if he had heard this somewhere before and came to me for some sort of confirmation. As if he had just been at the lunch table having this argument with the other kids, They can go faster than a car! I seen em! ... Are you crazy, Breon?! ... I seen it! ... Cars are fast as shit, Breon! ... I'mma ask Mister M! He'll tell ya, he'll know what I'm talkin bout!

How do you answer a question like this, from a person who clearly has no knowledge of cars, squirrels or anything?

Well Breon, ummm, a squirrel is certainly quicker than a car. Shiftier, moving side to side. It's more agile, it can climb trees and jump, but I'm pretty sure cars are faster.

I'm not even sure if Breon listened to my answer -- the kid was a total space cadet -- but the fact remains that if I ever need advice on life decisions, I'm not asking him or any other person under the age of 47.

That's a pretty nice fucking squirrel. 

In the middle of last night's episode, my mom called me up to tell me how boring she thought the show (and Emily) was. My Mom sometimes talks reallllyyyyy slowwwwly:

MOM:  This ... is ... the most borrringgggg ... painful ... she is so ... so ... so borrrriiiinnngggggg. Is she retarded? Miss No Personality.

EV:  Well she almost has a personality.

MOM:  Okay, almost.

Then my mom paused, and in her most serious tone -- which is really really serious -- she said:

MOM: But she has a bea-yooo-tiful young body.

EV:  Yes she does, Mom. Yes she does.

MOM:  Also, if I had eaten more for dinner tonight, I would've thrown up.

That's Wendy!

The most exciting part of last night's episode was the Wendy's commercial that featured the actual Wendy! My wife's bro, Nick, claims that her real name is actually Melinda. And when I asked him how he knew that, he said his buddy did a report on Wendy's in high school.

Would've loved to have seen that presentation.

TEACHER:  Thank you Stephanie for your report on the war in the former Yugoslavia. I had no idea so many people were killed attempting to buy blue jeans. Thank you. Up next is Bill who is going to tell us the difference between a hamburger and a cheeseburger. Bill?

BILL:  Thanks Mrs. Freedman. Hamburgers and cheeseburgers both have burgers and they both have buns and they both have cheese. No, wait. Hamburgers are different 'cause they have cheeseburgers. Hold on, can I start over?

TEACHER:  Yes, Bill.

BILL:  I sure do like cheesebunners.

If the Bachelorette keeps on going like this, I may be forced to make fun of the guy with the brain injury ... and I don't wanna do that. I'd rather spend the next few months making fun of Jef, who should really just go by "Je" at this point. That's what I'm calling him from now on ... Je.

Je suis finis avec cette blorgpost.


Best Je ever? Much better than Je Probst.

Can we get some fucking comments going on down here or what?!?! I didn't even talk about Kalen or Tank Top Tony or the fact that every single one of these guys has such big you know whats. Where's Aubre at? Where's Gabulous at? Where's American Bridget Jones at? I know y'allz read this isht! Orrrrrrrrrrr, if you don't wanna comment, check out this kid eating french toast.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Game of Frones: Interactive Survey (not interactive)

Kinkiest place ever. 

1. Are you watching Game of Frones yet?

a) Oh my God, shut up, yes, I'm watching, I'm watching, geez Louize.
b) Even if I was watching -- and I'm not -- it wouldn't matter because this is just going to end up being about boobs.
c) I love boobs so much.
d) On with the boob survey!

2. Will Jon Snow boink Angie Everhart Jr? 

a) No! He's a virgin and will remain a virgin because that's his calling and virgins are better at protecting walls!
b) Of course he will! No man -- virgin or non-virj -- can resist a dirty-talking redhead. For the record, I'm SHOCKED that there has never been an epic porno starring Angie Evs called The Burning Bush.
c) Even if he does boink her, it's gonna be borrrrriiiinnnnggggggg ... he's a virgin, remember?! Virgins suck at having sex! In fact, they probably suck at everything! Even protecting walls!
d) I find it COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE that AC Green went his entire NBA career as a virj.

3. Do you want Joffrey to die?

a) No, he's a good character and the ultimate villain. I mean, I want him to die, but I don't wannnttt him to die. I don't know how to answer this question.
c) It's like, I want him to die, but he brings an interesting element to the story, y'know? Without him, who am I supposed to hate? Jamie? He's kinda charming. Cersei? I sorta feel sad for her. Dragon Lady? She sure whines a lot, but you can't teach good boobs. You just can't teach good, milky, white boobs.
d) Off with his head! Joffrey has zero redeeming qualities -- even AC Green could rebound.

4. How kinky is Qarth?

a) Sooooo kinky.
b) It's a toss-up between Qarth and Lancaster, Pennsylvania, for the title of "World's Kinkiest Place." Amish chicks and those bonnets??? Shoooooo, boy! Now that's kinky with a capital boob!
c) Dude, what the freak is up with that magic illusionist guy?!?! Did he kill everyone? I still have no idea what happened in that scene. Was that all an illusion? Imagine him wearing a bonnet. It'd be so kinky!
d) David Blaine is the kinkiest dude ever -- didn't he used to date some redhead? If anyone in real life is ever gonna have sex with a redhead and produce a smoke-baby, it's that guy. Or possibly Blake Griffin.

Google "Angie Everhart" and this is the most appropriate-for-work picture you'll find. 

5. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Be honest. 

a) I once wore a motorized cock-ring-thing for this lady I dated. She had read an article in Consumer Reports that it was dope or something. I only wore it for like 30 seconds. It was ridiculous. That doesn't sound that kinky now that I've typed it out.
b) My partner and I legitimately tried to role play once. One of us pretended to be a blogger, and the other was a faithful commenter (who was also blind). It was sort of hot. We did it in a computer lab.
c) My partner once tied me to a chair for a long weekend. It was an Adirondack chair. I now have scoliosis.
d) I'm giving this survey one more question before I call it quits.

6. Who's gonna win the war? Or at least, who's gonna end up on the throne at the end of this seez?

a) GOOD QUESTION. I gotta go with the guy who has Smoke Lady on his side. That lady shot a smoke baby out of her vajoo-joo!
b) Ehhhhhh, well, doesn't the dwarf have some sort of secret stash of smoke bombs or something? I totally didn't follow that scene, but I think he does. Not sure how that kills a smokey-vaj, but it seemed important. So I think Joff is still gonna be in charge, but the imp is gonna be pulling the strings. Kind of like how Juwan Howard is the real coach of the Heat.
c) I'll tell ya who's not gonna win, Clive Owen. Where's that guy been?
d) How's this for a starting five? The imp running the point, the King Slayer at the Two, the Illusionist guy as your do-it-all small forward (I mean, that's who I'm building this team around), AC Green at the power spot and the Big Black Kevin Duckworth guy in the middle. With Giant Lezbot coming off the pine in the Anthony Mason role.

7. Do you think Jamie Lannister is gonna swordfight the Giant Lezbot, and if so, will he kill her and will you cry?

a) I really like her!
b) There's no reason why she should be coming off the bench while AC Green is starting.
c) Wait, when you said "swordfight" before, did you mean have sex with her? Or chop off her boobs?
d) In option C, I originally wrote "chop her boobs off" but changed it to "chop off her boobs" because I liked the way it flowed better.


I am one follower away from 2 hunny on Twitter ... ONE FOLLOWER ... follow me here. Or follow my fish Franck here. He only has 24 followers -- but is grateful for every one! Orrrrr check out these beautiful pictures of really nice places you'll probably never visit. Orrrrrrrrrrrr look at this dog pirate.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Apparently I Have a New Hobby

So this is what I did at work today ...

No idea if this is funny or not ... but I'm enjoying it!

Asalam alaikum!

Also, if you like European futbol (and I can't imagine any of you do), check out these other jawns I made.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Bachelorette: My First Impression is that I'm Never Stepping Foot in New Jersey Ever Again

Emily and the guys talk about an interview they heard on NPR . 

I don't know where to start.

I mean, honestly, where are you supposed to start?

The guy who introduced himself by saying, "I'm a hugger. Is that okay?" Yeah, that's okay, if you're my Aunt Maxine. You could say something like that, out loud, if you were my Aunt Maxine. But you're not my Aunt Maxine. You're a grown man on national television. And my Aunt Maxine would punch you in the face if you ever said that and she can't punch for shit. She's like 80, and claims her wrist is broken every time she carries a shopping bag. She makes really good meatballs.

How 'bout the fact that there's a guy with a BRAIN INJURY?

Or should we forget about the dudes, and go straight to discussing little Ricki and her bed that has wayyyyyyy too many pillows? No human being should ever sleep on a bed with that many pillows. It takes like 10 minutes just to move all those pillows outta the way so you can get under the covers. And then when you get outta bed, you're just stepping on pillows, just constantly stepping on pillows, one misstep away from a sprained ankle. Gimme two pillows -- one for under my head and one to mash between my thighs. The only acceptable excuse for having 37 pillows is if you just played racquetball and are having lower back spasms. Or if you're Mariah Carey. Or a dog.

One guy thought it'd be a good idea to show up for the Bachelorette with an ostrich egg. Like, "Hey, I've got an ostrich egg, and this is a good idea." I'm curious as to how he came up with this idea. And what were the ideas that didn't make the cut?

EGG GUY:  Okay, so Chip, you know how I'm going on the Bachelorette next week?

CHIP:  Oh yeahhhhhh, hey, can I borrow twenty bucks?

EGG GUY:  No. But check this out ... first night, rollin' up to meet Emily outside of the mansion, "Hey, what's up, how ya doin?" and then boom, I pull out a bottle of hot sauce. "Just in case things get a little bland around here, just call me over and I'll spice things up." Eh? Ehhhhh? Whaddya think?

CHIP:  Uhhhh, it's all right. I mean, I get it, I get it. Hot sauce is cool. But a litttttttle too aggressive? Chicks like guys who are strong and stable. Hot sauce is a little too "Heyyy, I'm from New Jersey, check out my dance moves."

EGG GUY:  So a hammer?

CHIP:  A hammer's cool. Nailing stuff. Fixing stuff. But could be a little tough to carry around all night. Especially if you're wearing a suit.

EGG GUY:  Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You know that ostrich egg that I have that I never use?

CHIP:  Ohhhhhhh schnap!

My therapist has this same leather couch. 

Here's my move if I were to ever stroll outta the Bachelorette's limo:

Hey Emily, my name's the Evster, I have a blog, a big dick, whatever, get over it ... look (pulls something out of pocket), these are peanut butter crackers. If there's ever a time when you're absolutely starving, I'm talking, REALLY hungry, and you just need something, ANYTHING, to hold you over, come holla at me and I'll give you some of these peanut butter crackers. I won't give you all of them, maybe like 2 or 3, but when your blood sugar's low and you're freakin' out, you know who you can count on. Oh, and if you're lucky, maybe I'll find an extra packet of crackers for little Ricki too. Now excuse me, I see that your panties are getting wettttttttttttttt.

Oh, by the way, if you're looking for me inside. I'll be the guy wearing the Breathe Right. I have a deviated septum.

How exciting is it when you find these jawns in an 8-pack?

I guess the biggest surprise of the night was Emily sending the black guy home. You'd think that she'd keep him around for AT LEAST the first week so as not to be considered racist, but clearly she's racist. I don't know why that's surprising considering she's from Arkansas.

Even more surprising was the dude who carried those bobbleheads in his jacket pocket all night. I love bobbleheads and I kinda think the bobbs were a decent gimmick, but those jawns are HEAVY. I've been miserable at weddings simply because I had to carry around my wife's compact mirror thing all night. That guy is a warrior.

The big winner of the night was friggin' Doug, who blew his load early by presenting Emily with a letter from his 12-year-old son. I mean, c'monnnnn Doug, you shoulda kept onto that golden ticket until you really needed it, like on a 2-on-1er. Also, what the fuck is wrong with Doug's kid?

"Dear Emily, my daddy's the best. He tucks me in evvvvvery night ...."

This kid is 12, correct? How many 12-year-olds are still getting tucked in at night?

When I was 12, I was jerking off ohhhhhhhhhhh, I dunno, 15 times a day? Maybe 20, prolly 20 on a good day. Sometimes going with back-to-backers before bed.

I'm pretty sure this was the bedtime routine in my house growing up.

MY DAD:  Knock knock! (Dad peeks into my room.) Time for bed E-Mon, lights out.

ME:  I'm sleeping!

MY DAD:  Remember, Marion is taking you to soccer practice tomorrow. I left your smelly shin guards in the closet.

ME:  Why isn't Mawm taking me?

MY DAD:  She has diarrhea. Also, the cleaning lady might come tomorrow, so if you could pick up those cum-filled boxers from the floor ...

ME:  Shut uppppppp.

MY DAD:  What'd you say?

ME:  IsaidIfuckingloveyou, gawd.

MY DAD:  K, good night. Love you.

ME:  Luhyoo. Geez.

Door closes. 12-year-old Evster immediately rolls off the bed, slams onto the floor and sprawls out in an attempt to reach a Penthouse mag underneath the bed. After extending my arm as far as it will possibly go and cramming my neck into the metal bed frame, I finally get my hands on the issue with the campout -- six busty blondes roasting marshmallows while wearing VERY thick wool socks.

Seconds later, I'm grinding my 12-year-old dork (not a bad dork by the way) against the mattress while craning my neck to stare at the magazine spread open on the floor with my soccer cleats being used as paper weights.

After a resounding finale (that everyone in my house could definitely hear), I flip back off the bed, grab my binoculars and stare out the window at my next door neighbor for the next four - seven hours.

Other thoughts:

- Ryan the former football player has got this isht on lock. He's nice looking, PLAYED PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL, and his "let me check out my notes" gimmick was actualllllllllllly not baaaddddd. Unfortunately, his hair kinda looks like Moroccan footballer Marouane Chamakh's.

No idea what's goin' on here.

- I think it'd be pretty funny if during the rose ceremony they panned to a dude wearing a snorkel.

- Ricki can't talk for shit.

- Jef, MC Stevie Boom Beevie, Grandma Randy, Wolf Dog, Kaylinn and Tank Top Tony were all retarded, but Joe, HEY HOW YA DOIN I'M JOEEEEE ... WAGGADEE DOOO, BOOM BOOM BOOM, COCAINE COCAINE, LET'S GO SLEDDING! was the absolute biggest nightmare. I'm so glad he and Longhaired Michael aka Captain I'm Gay are still around.

Are you following my fish, Franck Ribery Jr, on Twitter? You should be. You should also enter the TVMWW Art Contest Presented by Sal's Automotive. Check out some of the entries here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr listen to this Fresh Air interview with Lena Dunham from Girls. Yeah, that's probably the better move.

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Bachelorette Preview: Time To Meet Alotta Dudes

Let's get ready to get ready!

Tonight on national television, 30 dudes will put baby powder all over their balls in an attempt to get one lady (who for all intents and purposes is pretty much a prude) to like them. 

It's an incredible concept. "Hey fellas, I know this great spot where there are tons of chicks, ping pong tables, giant TVs, seriously tons of chicks and they sometimes douse themselves in sparking water, it's insane!" ... "Ehhhh, what if we went over to this lady's house instead? Her boyfriend died and she's got a daughter who likes playing board games -- what if we all went over to her place and just chatted?" ... "She'll sleep with all of us?" ... "Naw, but she'll prolly have some hors devours." ... "NOYCE!"

I've always figured that the casting for this show was pretty simple. Do you play the guitar? No, but I wish I did. Do you write poems? They rhyme! Can you please sit forward in your chair and stroke the palm of a woman's hand? Yes, just like that. Work the wrist. Perfect. You're perfect for this show. Grab some baby powder from the table and we'll see you on Monday. 

Turns out, the interview process is a little more in depth. So, let's take a look at Emily's suitors' bios from The Bachelorette's website ... my comments are in bleu


Age: 25

Occupation: Mushroom Farmer
Hometown: Medellin, Colombia

First Impresh: I mean, the guy's a mushroom farmer from Colombia -- I'm thinking exactly what you're thinking -- he wears bracelets? 

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? A picture of my mom so I can keep fighting, a knife, and duct tape (that stuff always comes in handy!).

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Yeah - my mom always says that a good man provides for his family, but a better man makes his girl fall in love with him every single day.

Oh good, a momma's boy. Yeah, he's from Colombia and yeah, his mother probably wrestled a goat to keep him alive at some point, but this is the last thing a woman wants in a man. My wife once dated an Israeli who used to call his mother EVERY night FROM bed. I'm guessing he also wore bracelets. 


Age: 31

Occupation: Portfolio Manager
Hometown: New York, NY

Heyyyyyyy, look who's back!

What is your most embarrassing moment? I had a teacher walk in on me while I was hooking up in boarding school.

If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring and why? Paper + pen to design tools/plan. A Tolstoy novel because they take forever to understand.

What do you wish we had asked you? I love to wear a tuxedo. I can tie a bowtie perfectly while blindfolded.

It's nice that Ames likes to wear a tuxedo,  but kind of a strange answer to that question? 

"Hey Ames, can I get you a drink? I've got Coke, Diet Coke, OJ, a beer?" 

"Well, first you take the bowtie and put it around your neck ... make sure both sides are even, both sides HAVE to be even."


Age: 28

Occupation: Businessman

Hometown: Tampa, FL

Well, well, wellllllllll. 

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Drove 40 hours straight.

Is that really the most outrageous thing you've ever done, Bentley? Cause I sort of remember you going on a reality television show and acting like a sociopath. 

Mr Manson, it's been over 30 years since you brainwashed those women and had them kill for you. Most outrageous thing you've ever done

Wellllllll, I mean, yeah, killed a couple of people, sure, but let me tell you about this OTHER thing I did. It was late one night, I'd been driving for like FORTY HOURS, so I decided to stop at a diner in Tuscaloosa. And I thought, "Hmmmm, do I want chili, or do I want a sandwich?" I wasn't sure, I really wasn't, so I pulled out a nickel from my pocket and said, "Heads or tails? Heads chili. Tails sandwich." And then I flipped the coin and boom! Made my decision just like that!

It was outrageous! 

It was absolutely outrageous!


Age: 41

Occupation: Technology Salesman
Hometown: Midland, TX

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with your life partner and sharing memories and always making more.

What is your motto?
Never give up.

Tattoo Count: 
6 -  
Arms, Legs, Chest and Back

Leg tattoos. Shocking that you're still single at 41. To this day, I have still never met a dude named Brent who was not a Technology Salesman or an MMA fighter.


Age: 33

Occupation: Singer/Songwriter

Hometown: Charlottesville, VA

What is your most embarrassing moment?
On stage at a packed venue I dragged my keyboard over about a foot and it was situated under a boom stand which was there by catapulted into the 3rd row. In the live recording you can hear the clamor and unanimous "OHHH" from the crowd.

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden have all inspired me ineffably.

What is your worst date memory?
I went out on a date with a girl who was a fan and everything started out beautifully and after just a couple drinks she spiraled into this emotional tirade about how she knew she "wasn't good enough" for me. I realized she had some serious issues *upstairs*.


I mean, for one, he's a singer/songwriter who lists SOUNDGARDEN as one of his favorite groups. And did either of his stories make any sense? Oh, your keyboard was catapulted under a boom stand? That's awesome dude, that's awesome. I can hear the clamor on the live recording? Well, I'll be sure to pick up your CD at Sam Goody. And David, thanks for putting *upstairs* in between those two asterisks, cause for a second there I thought she had some serious issues literally upstairs in her attic -- like bats. They can be a problem ... they carry rabies


Age: 33

Occupation: Charity Director/Realtor
Hometown: Seattle, WA

Oh hey Doug.

If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
Salt water to fresh water kit, a fishing pole with appropriate lures and a flare gun with lots of flares.

Okay, clearly you don't understand the purpose of this question, Doug. Yeah, a salt water to fresh water kit would be brilliant, would certainly help you out, but ... also what the fuck is a salt water to fresh water kit? 

What's your best date memory?
A really long hug at the end of a first date with my ex. Neither one of us wanted to let the other go. It was nice.

Ohhhhhhh ......... thissssssssssss .......... sounds .......... good. 

Probably would've helped to move on from your previous relationship before agreeing to go on a TV dating show, Doug. This guy is going to be a total whirlwind of emotions.

Emily:  Okay Doug, for today's date, we're gonna scale down this skyscraper ...

Doug:  Okay, lemme stop you right there Emily, cause you're gonna wanna use the 4/5 clips instead of the 7/8s, plus if we're gonna be treading at a 74 degree incline, it'd make sense if we had flares, so let's stop at Frank's Flare Shop and grab a couple boxes don't worry about it I'm a frequent shopper and have a rewards card so we can buy 9 boxes and get the 10th free plus my ex-girlfriend works there and we could just stop in to say hello maybe give her a hug or smell her hair or something no big deal I love dates this is a fun date I'm not crying why would you think I was crying I love dating women. 


Age: 29

Occupation: College Admissions Director
Hometown: Anchorage, AK
That's a uhhhh, that's a uhhhhh, that's a red shirt and a shaved chest now isn't it? Wow, you can still find 'em. 

What are your 3 best attributes? Attitude/positivity. FUN. Smile.

Do you have any pets? 2 Chihuahuas: Pierre and Sweet Georgia Brown.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Went on a month-long backpacking trip and buttfucked around 15 dudes. 

Okay, obviously I made that one up (or did I?) and there's nothing wrong with buttfucking dudes, in fact, I hope Frank is buttfucking dudes, but I think it's pretty clear that Frank buttfucks dudes.


Age: 29

Occupation: Fitness Model
Hometown: Chicago, IL
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Derek Jeter - He not only plays but is one of the all-time greats at my favorite sport, baseball. Also he is like a god in New York City, the greatest city in the world.

Thanks for qualifying that first sentence there Jackson by telling us that Derek Jeter does in fact play "baseball." Yeah, he not only plays, but is one of the all-time greats at my favorite sport, badminton. People don't know that about Derek, but he's a phenomenal badminton player. Gets to every shot, has really really good placement and just great overall birdie awareness.

What super power would you choose to have? Why?
Flying - I'd never sit in traffic again.

That's why you'd want to fly?!?! To get outta traffic? Ohhhhh, this traffic is killer! So many cars. I wish I had a super power, like, I could fly, so I could just get to work so much faster! Forget about flying to Barcelona or being able to shoot laser beams out of my eyeballs, I wanna just get to exit 9 PRONTO. I have a VERY important power point presentation to give


Age: 35

Occupation: Entrepreneur
Hometown: St. Louis, MO
Status: Eliminated in 3rd Rose Ceremony
The mask guy!
Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? I have adopted a 3-legged dog who was abused.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I made a u-turn once. I'm kidding. Not sure.

I always sorta liked this guy! I mean, I get that he's really creepy, but he's kinda funny! "I made a u-turn once." THAT'S FUNNY. 


Age: 27

Occupation: Field Energy Advisor
Hometown: Orlando, FL
Who is your favorite actor and why?
Paul Newman because of how much he gave back. He donated all profits and royalties from his food company to charity.

THIS GUY CAN TAKE A SHIT. Yeah, Joe, my favorite basketball player is Brian Scalabrine because he gives money to animal shelters. The guy can't make an 8 footer, but he helped this cat Mr. Sprinkles find a new home. I love him. 


Age: 27

Occupation: Luxury Brand Consultant
Hometown: Houston, TX
All right, so Kalon? Kah-lon? Kay-len? I'm going Kah-lon. Like, Kah-lonoscopy. This guy is obviously retarded. 

Do you like being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?
I like my girlfriend to be the center of attention so I'm still in the spotlight but the focus is on her and not me.

Yeah, not really making sense there, Kalon. If you're in the spotlight, then the attention is on you. Let's try another question.

Do you prefer team sports or solo sports and why?
Team. I like being the best on a team and having the pressure of people relying on me.

Once again, completely missing the boat here. Team sports are all about TEAM. They're not relying on you, you're supposed to work together. I HATE YOU. What is a Luxury Brand Consultant?!!


Age: 28

Occupation: Office Supply Salesman
Hometown: Bridgewater, MA
Did you attend college and if so, which one and what was your major? University of Massachusetts – Amherst. Major: Bachelor of Science in Turf Grass Management. 

Well that's certainly not interesting. 

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Justin Timberlake - I just want the dance moves. 

Seems kinda silly to pick Justin Timberlake just for the dance moves. I mean, the guy's a good dancer, but there are probably 400,000 black people who are just as good, if not better dancers. I saw a guy on the corner of 52nd and Walnut the other day doing some sort of shoulder move while waiting for the light to change that was farrrrrrrrr better than anything JT has ever done. 

Also, JT? Is his nickname really JT? I always thought James Taylor was the one and only JT. I recently asked a bunch of my friends who the REAL JT was, and a resounding majority said Timbers. I totally disagree. James Tayls is the one and only JT! He did heroin!

What is your most embarrassing moment? In high school, I was in charge of hiding the cooler of beer for an after party. My parents found it and placed Sprite inside and dumped the beer out. I didn't realize until I got to the party. My parents think it's the greatest prank of all time.

That's actually a really, really good prank. I want this guy to get to hometowns so I can meet his parents. And yes, I know I won't actually get to meet them. 


Age: 26

Occupation: Rehab Consultant
Hometown: Tahoka, TX
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our token guy with an absolutely horrible haircut. Couple that with an argyle sweater and we've really got something here. I guarantee these answers are going to be sooooooo dumb. 

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Ryan Gosling. He's young, talented, and powerful. He's made something of himself and that gives him lots of choices in life. I want choices.

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
John Mayer - His storytelling/lyrics and songwriting
Bruno Mars - He's unique
Justin Timberlake - He's innovative and a pioneer

Again with the Timberlake!?!? I mean, I like Timbers (not calling him JT), but top 3 favorites? And you're a guy? AND John Mayer and Bruno Mars?!?!?

If I could be someone for 400 days, I wouldn't be Ryan Gosling. He seems like a very nice guy and a good actor and probably beds many many many beautiful women, BUT HE'S A WHITE GUY WHO ACTS. 

All right, here I am making fun of these guys for their dumb answers ... it's only fair that I try to answer one of these questions. 

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Hmmmmm, good question Darryl. I'll tell ya this much, I wouldn't be a white person. I've been a white person for 35 years now and this is no way to live. So one day, one dayyyyyyy? Hmmm, gotta be somebody tall and strong and good at basketball. And somebody who lives a life of luxury and has the ability to impregnate a woman. I'm going with my neighbor, Leonard. I love that guy


Age: 25

Occupation: Accountant
Hometown: Scottsdale, AZ
Who do you admire most in the world and why?My Parents - their love for each other is what I hope to achieve with my wife someday. They have been married for over 30 years and they love, respect and trust each other like no other couple I have ever seen.

Shuttttt upppppppppp. 


Age: 30

Occupation: Marketing Manager
Hometown: Oak Creek, WI
Looks a little like a happy dick, and I can't wrap my head around that shirt/vest combo, but people from the midwest are generally really nice, so I'm pullin' for him. 

What is your favorite childhood memory?
Wow what a question...I think Sunday morning Packer Games. The whole family would be together.

What is your motto?
Nothing is so bad that you can't get through it. Enjoy life.

Tattoo Count: 

Right and Left Shoulders

I like this guy! 

Ryan P.

Age: 31

Occupation: Solar Energy Executive
Hometown: Fresno, CA
Status: Eliminated prior to the 7th Rose Ceremony
What is your greatest achievement to date? Building what is now one of the largest solar electricity companies in the U.S.

We know Ryan, we know. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why?


Age: 26

Occupation: Party MC
Hometown: Monroe Township, NJ
All right, first off, this guy's name is STEVIE, so gotta think he's missing 1, maybe 2 chromosomes? And secondly, how 'bout that green shirt! Shocking that a party MC from New Jerz would wear that -- AND have some stubble on his chin!

If you could be someone for just one day, who would it be and why?
Justin Timberlake because I would love to be able to sing for a crowd of screaming fans.

Which U.S. city is the most romantic to you and why?
Las Vegas because you have everything at your finger tips.

Just when you thought Stevie couldn't be any more retarded, another Timberlake reference and LAS VEGAS as the most romantic city? "Oh, honey, this is so romantic. I love walking these streets hand in hand, nuzzling against you and look! you can see that lady's twat through her dress! and that guy is barfing into a shoe! There's another twat!"


Age: 31

Occupation: Lumber Trader
Hometown: Beaverton, OR

If you wanted to approach a woman you had never met before, how would you go about it?
I wouldn't just come up and say "Hi, I'm Tony." I would compliment her or if she was looking at a menu, I would say something about it that was funny. Humor is the best ice breaker.

Hey there, that-uhhh, that menu you're looking at there? What a menu huh? Appetizers? More like Snacketizers. Eh? Or should I say, or should I say, Snarpitizers? Hey Dolly, can we get an order of mozzarella sticks Snarpitizers? Yeah? Yep, I know comedy.  


Age: 30

Occupation: Advertising Sales Rep
Hometown: Madison, MS
Would you say you're a little bit country or more of a city person? Being from Mississippi of course I'm going to be a country boy. But people don't consider me to be because of the way I dress and carry myself. I tend to be a little 'Metro'.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Muhammad Ali: He was a champion and knew he had you as soon as he walked into a room. I loved his confidence & swagger.

So you most identify with Muhammad Ali, yet you also tend to be a little 'Metro.' Not delusional, not delusional at all. 

And the problem is, Muhammad Ali is dope! He's like one of the coolest, smartest, most likable historical figures ever. A really really good answer to that question. But he'd probably punch you right in your stupid face for making that comparison. Not because it's necessarily insulting to him, but just because it's WRONG. The historical figure you most identify with Travis, is probably Martha Washington. Nice lady, niiiiiiiiiiice lady. 


Age: 30

Occupation: Cellular Phone Salesman
Hometown: Fostoria, OH
Do you have any pets and if so, what kind? No. Roommate has fish.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Bruce Willis -- 'cause then I would be John McClane and save the world in 2 hours.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Doing stand-up comedy or voice over work.

Yeah, good luck with that William. 

The Bachelorette starts TONIGHT at a NEW TIME ... 9:30 ... I know! ... And the Sixers game starts at 7 ... THIS COULD BE PERFECTTTTTTTTTTT ... although if the Bach ends at 11, that means I'll probably debrief with my wife til about 11:30, need about a half an hour of cool down, get in bed close to 12:30, won't fall asleep until after 1:45ish (too amped up), so expect a recap post ohhhhhhhh, next Thursday? So look for that. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at how happy these guys are