Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Mad Men & Game of Frones: Pausing to Appreciate Some Fine, Fine Acting

That's Whatsherface on the left! It doesn't even look like her! And what's so goddamn funny?!

As of now, the greatest acting performances in entertainment history are as follows:

1. Daniel Day Lewis as Christy "Lefty" Brown in My Left Foot
2. Vlade Divac vs. the Lakers in the 2002 NBA playoffs
3. Mario Lopez as Greg Louganis in the AC Slater Story*

*I never actually saw Mario's performance in this film, but I imagine it was SPOT ON.

Everything about this DVD cover is amazing.

But all that changed this past Sunday night, when a series of incredible acting displays were on displ-elevision ... they were on television. So let's check out the nominees for Best Actor on a Sunday Night in my Living Room.

Nominee #1: Me - Game of Frones and Mad Men

Acting is HARD. It really is. Not so hard that you have to freak out when you give an acceptance speech at an awards show, but hard enough that I respect actors abilities to pretend to be something they are not. I know this, because I won the Best Actor Award at the 2007 Boston 48 Hour Film Project had to act like I didn't have a boner the entire time that I sat next to my brother-in-law during Game of Frones and Mad Men.

You shoulda seen my performance! I was squirming, doing the ole duck & tuck, reaching for many, MANY blankets, just to keep him from seeing my ENORMOUS bone'ski.

When HBO flashes that little disclaimer on the screen before an episode, you know, "ADULT CONTENT, NUDITY, CLOSE CAPTIONING WHERE AVAILABLE," it should also read, "DO NOT WATCH WITH YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW AND HIS VERY NICE, INNOCENT, MATZOH-EATING GIRLFRIEND."

And the thing is, my brother-in-law is totally cool with boners (and so is his sister!) and perfectly accepting of my RIDONKULOUSLY HUGE healthy sexual appetite. But still, that show should NOT be viewed while sitting in such close proximity to the future Uncle of your children!

And what is going on with Game of Frones? That show is pure smutttttttttt. 

First, that one guy doing'd that lady on the boat -- you know what lady I'm talking about -- the one with the gord-titties. Then, they quickly panned to a scene in a whorehouse where some guy was getting a hefferweizen while he watched some other guy doing'ing some prostitute. Then, the guy who doing'd the lady with the gord-titties totally fingerslorbed HIS SISTER (unbeknownst to him at the time) ON A HORSE! Thennnnnn, the Fire Lady pulled the ole Robe-a-dobe-disrobe-a-dobe and got doing'd on a table!

And this all happened in the hour before Joan got doing'd on Mad Men!

And I'm not supposed to borng a dornglorg?!?!  ... (no idea ... no idea what I'm talking about.)

Holy guacamole!

Nominee #2: The Lady on the Horse - Game of Frones

Remember, actors are SERIOUS performers who like to hark back from experiences in their lives in order to play their role to the best of their abilities (while writers are total dorks who use phrases like "hark back" even though they're probably not using it correctly). So what must the conversation have been like when the director of Game of Frones gave her instructions on how to play that role?

DIRECTOR: Okay, Jessica, remember in this scene ...

HORSE LADY: It's Deborah.

DIRECTOR: Sorry, Debrubs.

HORSE LADY: Deborah.

DIRECTOR: Debruggs, when you're riding the horse, remember that you're in control of the situation, but you're also going to be getting fingered, soooooo ...

HORSE LADY: Sorry, what?

DIRECTOR: Yeah, when Marzliffius goes to finger you, he's gonna ...

HORSE LADY: I'm getting fingered?

DIRECTOR: Yeah, yeah, slight change in the script. Instead of you guys enjoying a nice leisurely ride through the countryside, he's gonna feel your titties and then finger you.

HORSE LADY: Isn't he my brother?

BROTHER: I'm not your brother in real life.

DIRECTOR: He's not your brother in real life.

BROTHER: I'm just an actor. So it's not like I'm gonna really be full throttle fingering you.

HORSE LADY: Yeah, but it's still gross.

DIRECTOR: Actually, I was hoping that you could really full throttle finger her. And Debruzz, is there any way you can think back to a time when maybe you were getting fingered, but you weren't quite into the guy ...

BROTHER: Like, you got fingered in high school, right? Did you ever get fingered by a guy who ...

HORSE LADY: How is he going to be fingering me on a horse?!?!

BROTHER: Oh there are ways.

ROLLIE: There are definitely ways.

HORSE LADY: Who are you?!

ROLLIE: I'm Rollie Fingers.

DIRECTOR: Big fan.

BROTHER: Me too. Big fan.

DIRECTOR: Love your mustache.

Ever notice that the Brewers logo is secretly an M and a B?

Nominee #3: Jon Hamm - Mad Men

Jon Hamm has tuberculosis.

He must.

That's the only way to explain his incredible performance as Don Draper with influenza. Yeah, yeah, I know the makeup artists helped him look pale and they slathered some vaseline on his chest, but that guy had tuberculosis, and he's going to die. I'm not talking about Don Draper here, I'm talking about Jon Hamm, the actual person. He's going to die. Soon. From tuberculosis. Well, at least he had a good run.

"I'll be your huckleberry." No idea what he was talking about. Must have been the T.B. talking. 

Nominee #4: The Guy Who Plays Joan's Husband - Mad Men

This guy put in the performance of a lifetime, ACTING like he would rather go off to Vietnam than have sex with Joan. Now THAT'S acting. I don't know how he did it.

JOAN: Greg, I'm fine with you going to Vietnam. In fact, YOU CAN GO NOW!

GREG: What?! Are you serious?! You know what? Fine! I'm outta here! You don't understand, Joanie. You've never understood! Wait a minute wait a minute, cut, cut. Is this guy serious? Is he really leaving Joan? This wouldn't actually happen. This is ridicurous.

DIRECTOR: Ugh, yes, he really is. I told you, he feels wanted in the army.

GREG: But look at her jugs.

DIRECTOR: I know, I know.

GREG: I mean, there's no way anyone would leave this woman. Look at those jugs! Did you even look at them?

DIRECTOR: Yes, I looked at them.

GREG: I don't think you did!

DIRECTOR: Look, let's take it from the top. Remember, your character ...

GREG: I wanna have sex with her right now. That's what my character wants to do and that's what I want to do. Christina, I totally wanna have sex with you right now.

JOAN: Thanks guy who plays my husband, but I'm married.

GREG: So am I!

DIRECTOR: Let's take it from the top. Places!

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT: Scene 8 - Joan breaks up with the guy who plays her husband. Take 11.

JOAN: Greg, I'm fine with you going to Vietnam. In fact, YOU CAN GO NOW!

GREG: Let's have sex! 


Clearly, this guy is the big winner. Yeah, the writers on Mad Men will probably kill him off in 'Nam and we won't see him again until he appears as a rapist on Law & Order or Wizards of Waverly Place, but he deserves to be in Hollywood. Maybe even an opportunity to play Christy Brown in My Left Foot Two: The Search for My Other Foot ... 

He goes blind.

It's very sad.

Next stop: Hollywood! ... Or Dollywood! ... Yeah, probably Dollywood. 

I've got two great Twitter accounts for you to follow. First, @tejucole, who reads newspapers from 100 years ago and tweets the news as if it's currently happening. The Titanic just set sail yesterday. Next, you should follow @coffee_dad, who tweets about drinking coffee. Or, you could follow me @TVMWW, I tweet about absolutely nothing interesting. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you could check out these desert rivers in Mexico. Mind bottling.


  1. Evan, I am CRYING laughing reading your blog. I have read it for approximately 13 5/8 of the past 37 hours. The lady getting fingerslorbed on the horse...I don't have words. I love you.

    1. Thanks goheels83. I'm sorry that you feel that way.

      I'm guessing your login name is an homage to Cameron Campbell, #83, the sophomore wide receiver for UNC's football team. I too am a big fan of Double C.

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