Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Mad Men, Game of Frones and the Killing: aka Why I Need DVR Immediately

This lady could've killed Rosie Larson.

Over the past few days, I have been bombarded with angry emails from TVMWW readers upset with me for the lack of posts since Sunday's TV extravaganza.

Like these:

Hey Evster, I heard that your ole buddy Jed’s wife had a baby. I bumped into Melvin at the supermarket. He still has a mustache. See you on Saturday for Passover din-din? Love, 
- Your Mama

Oh my God, lady, relax! I’ll get to the posts when I get to them. Geez, this writing thing takes time. My Lord!

Evzie, can you pick up some Neosporin on your way home? I got a nasty cut on my finger and don’t want it to get infected. 
- Darrie

Dude, I’ve been busy at work! And the guy in the cubicle next to me always tells on me when I’m blogging instead of working. He’s such a slut! 

Hey Ev, it’s Mom again … just writing to remind you to bring over an extra pair of underwear for Saturday night’s dinner. Last time you had Aunt Maxine’s brisket you shit all over yourself. Remember? And then you wiped your bare ass all over my carpet and got rug burn and used up all of my Neosporin. Gotta go, your father just shit himself. Love ya!

This stuff is gold, Jerry, GOLD!

So here we are, Wednesday afternoon, a mere 58 hours after Sunday’s blongo-bongo 4-hour television bonanza of the Killing, Game of Frones and Mab Membs. I’d love to be able to say that it took so long to write because I had to catch up on DVR, but I don’t have DVR and actually watched all three shows en vivo at my friends Larbage and Chicken’s house.

As a prominent television blogger in the television blog game, you’d think that I’d have DVR, but I don’t (and I’m not). But I realized something on Sunday night: as great as it is to record a show and leisurely watch it at a later date, it’s even greater to simply have the ability to pause a television.

The pause button is right up there with the greatest inventions in television history: high definition, ottomans, nachos, antioxidants, Breathe Rights®, various types of exciting underwear, dish towels, corn syrup ... but the pause button tops them all!

During Game of Frones, the pause button was most beneficial, because quite frankly I don't ever know what's going on during that show.

ME: All right, so hold up, who's that guy and why is he brainwashed by that Fire Lady?

MY WIFE: That's Varslyphius. He's Lord Brantheon's brother.

ME: Right. Who's Lord Brantheon?

MY WIFE: He's the leader of the Gallsippius's house.

ME: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. I know, I know that. I love the Gallsipperlus. They're like my favorite guys. But why is he following the Fire Lady?

MY WIFE: She's a reignslorver.

ME: Obviously. Obviously she's a layneslorber. You can tell by her cloak. But why is he writing that letter?

MY WIFE: Ugghhh, because of Lord Gramleon's brother!

ME: Oh oh oh oh, okay okay okay. I was just confused for a sec, because I thought that other guy was the king.

MY WIFE: Joffrey is the king. But he's not the rightful heir to the throne and Lord Gammelbon knows that. He's really the incestual child of Cersie and Jamie Lannister!

ME: Right, right. What show are we watching?

This happened pretty much every ten minutes for the duration of the show, and by the end of the program, I totally understood about 3/8ths of what I saw.

That's a pretty nice frone!

I'll tell ya what I do understand: the opening theme song, and how awesome it is. It gets me so hype, I just wanna chop someone's head off (or sing along to it). Chicken made up some lyrics to go with the intro, “It’s a game of frones and there are kings and there are swords and there are dragons and there are swords and there are other swords. And there’s a wall and there’s some wolves and there’s some frones.” It’s a really good song.

The whole scene when Joffrey ordered everybody to kill the king's bastard children was riveting. I’m not gonna say that I wanted to see that baby’s throat get slit, but there was a second when I was thinking, “Wow, I definitely wanna see that baby's throat get slit.” It reminded me of that scene in Star Wars Attack of the Clones when they killed all those Jedis. It also reminded me of that time I did shrooms and thought I saw a guy kill a baby. I also don’t know who Joffrey is.

During the Killing, the pause button allowed us to stop, piece the clues together and share our theories on who we thought the killer was. I think it's Lord Grantheon! While Chicken gave us her thoughts, the conversation soon switched to discuss some of our mutual friends behind their backs. So that was nice.

The Killing was definitely the highlight of the evening. Going into Sunday, I could’ve cared less about Rosie Larson, but by the end of that 4-hour marathon, I was totally sucked back in. I was also no longer wearing underwear. At about the 3-hour mark, I paused the TV and said I had to go to the bathroom, where I secretly took off my boxers and stuffed them in my shoe.

Look at Detective Dickpants from back in the day!

Despite the Killing’s born-in intrigue, the show does have its faults. Like when the wanna-be mayor guy got shot, WHY DID HIS SHOE FALL OFF? I have never been shot, but I’m pretty sure that your shoe doesn’t fall off when you do. Law thought that mayyyyyyyyybbbeeeee, because Darren Richmond was walking out of the police department when he got shot, that his shoes could’ve been untied considering they make you take your shoes off when you go to jail. And when he slipped them back on, he didn't take the time to tie them. 

But he’s a wanna-be mayor for freak’s sake! Tie your shoes, dude!

Mad Men was quite frankly another snoozefest, although we did pause it quite a bit to debate what was going on with fat Betty. My wife knew that January Jones was 8 months preggers when they filmed, but she kept insisting that the makeup artists added fake skin to her face to make her look heavier. I told her that was ridiculous (but not to her face -- I'd only tell her that in the comfort of my own blog). 

Whether or not they added fake skin to Betty (they didn't), I'm pretty sure that when she got outta the tub – hello side boob! – they definitely used a stunt double. 

And how relaxing did that bathtub look?!?!

I’m 34 years old, own a home in the suburbs, but I never take baths. Part of the reason is because I never think to draw a bath and the other is because our bathtub is so old and so pink. Do people in 2012 still take baths? And if so, is your life SO MUCH better than mine? I LOVE BATHS. The water, the smells, the pruning, the fear of dropping the radio in and killing yourself, the fear of having your wife come in and see you attempting to pee into the toilet from the tub, the fear of her then finding you splashing water on the tiles to cover up your own piss, it’s exhilarating!

That's a fake shoulder!

Did Matthew Weiner really have to make that Jew character the most Jewy guy of all time? Quirky, funny, wimpy, annoying, his father talking about baseball and reciting a Hebrew prayer when he got home? C’MON WEINER!

All in all, it was a very exciting night that was made better because of an ancient invention that allows you to stop time and get a snack. And yet, I don’t get to take advantage of that invention because I’m too lazy to go to Comcast and exchange my cable box.

I also gotta save some money to redo my bathroom.


Kind of cute, but kind of filthy and disgusting!

If you wanna listen to a pretty good Fresh Air interview with Mad Men creator, Matthew Weiner, click here. Or you could listen to one with Aziz Ansari here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, you could check out these nice photos of people riding bikes. 


  1. JJ was preggers but there is no way an actress that skinny got that fat being pregnant. I think they added/made her fat to cover the belly. Bonus neck fat! Did you also hear she ate her placenta?

    1. Did I hear she ate her placenta?

      I did not hear that. Can we get verification on this? Does anyone happen to work in a hospital emergency room?

    2. Oh, why yes. And I think it looked like this

  2. I too have never been shot but I do work in the ER in Chester, so I see dudes get shot all the time. They're usually wearing shoes. Unless they were shot in the foot. Then the shoe's off. But the other shoe is still on. But at some point, we take off all their shoes and they get to wear those fake socks with the treads on the soles. We call them booties. They're so lucky. I love booties. I'm gonna go shoot myself in the foot now.

    1. How often does someone get shot in the foot? Do they ever walk in carrying their foot?

      Or hop in, I guess?

  3. Birdy's got back! Was that Tony Soprano's back in that scene?

    They definitely used prosthetics on her face, she looked like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal.

    Was anyone else secretly hoping she really had cancer and would die this season, or am I alone on that one?

    Why can't my nickname be Birdy?

    1. I sort of like Betty!

      Henry Francis is a doucher!

    2. I'm also hoping Glen gets a spin-off show.