Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Ice Loves Coco: How Did it Take me so Long to Blorg About This?

Ice holds up his finger to emphasize the number of minutes it takes for his wife to make an
entire grilled cheese sandwich between her ass cheeks. 

When you grow up with parents who routinely call each other "Dr. Fuck" and "Droopy Tits McGee" you can't help but turn to television to find healthier models of what a marriage should look like.

From Ward and June Cleaver sleeping in separate beds, to Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick sleeping in separate beds, it's pretty clear that the key to a successful relationship is to stay as far away as possible from each other at all times.

But Ice T and Coco are living proof that married people can actually hang out together, have fun and not complain about one another in a blog that's very loosely disguised as television commentary. How do Ice and Coco make it work? What's their secret? Does Ice ever eat an entire eggplant parmesan off of Coco's ass? The answer is yes, of course he does. He'd be an idiot not to.

I predict this man will one day be the President of the United States. 

During a recent interview on Watch What Happens Live (yes I watch it, and yes I love it), Coco told Andy Cohen that she always keeps a pair of high heels under her nightstand to keep things spicy in the boudoir. That way, if Ice ever wants to work on his cardio, all she has to do is slip 'em on and he can get in a good workout.

Interesting, because on her nightstand, my wife keeps a set of disgusting ear plugs so as not to have her precious beauty sleep interrupted by Mr. Hippopotamus Nose. Sometimes when I'm snoring (possibly to keep it spicy?), she'll forego the ear plugs and just kick me in the shins. She does this despite the fact that I've repeatedly told her, "Please don't kick me in the shins. I don't like to be kicked. It startles me. And it hurts."

Ice and Coco also made a rule when they first got married that they can never be apart for more than 24 hours. Let me repeat myself for those of you who just barfed all over your keyboard while reading that last line: THEY HAVE A RULE WHERE THEY CAN NEVER BE APART FOR MORE THAN 24 HOURS.

Now I don't know about y'allzzzzzzzzz, but there is nothing I like more in this world than 24 hours without my wife. A few weeks ago, I took a road trip to State College and enjoyed three full hours of FM radio WITHOUT hearing Lady Goggs. Later, I had a milkshake from the Penn State creamery and took a 30 minute smash just because I could.

Now considering my wife is one of the seven people in this world who reads my blog, let me also make it clear that I'M YOKING HONEY! ... THIS IS ALL AN ACT FOR MY INTERNET FRIENDS ... I HONESTLY MISS YOU RIGHT NOW ... EVEN THOUGH AS I'M TYPING THIS YOU'RE SITTING IN THE OTHER ROOM, APPROXIMATELY 10 FEET AWAY FROM ME, I STILL MISS YOU TERRIBLY ... EXCEPT I WASN'T YOKING ABOUT THE 30 MINUTE SMASH ... I WAS DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT THAT AND IT WAS SO, SO, SO ENJOYABLE ... IN FACT, I FOUND THIS AMAZING SMASH-DEN IN THE STUDENT UNION WHERE THERE WERE ZERO PEOPLE AROUND EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE FOREIGN GUY WHO WAS TALKING ON HIS CELLPHONE OUTSIDE IN THE HALLWAY, BUT HE DIDN'T BOTHER ME ... HE DIDN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL, DAR.

I really think it's nice that Ice T and Coco found one another. They seem to truly be in love. They support each other, make sacrifices for each other, cover themselves in bleu cheese dressing for each other. It's the perfect union between a rapper who used to have a ponytail and a woman who has the butt of a rhinoceros.

I can't believe how dumb this blog is.

I'm so, so, so terribly sorry.







If you've never checked out the gallery of Coco's Thong Thursday and Titty Tuesday pictures, then you're living a goddamn lie. You should spend a good 10-15 minutes looking at those right now. Unless you're at work. Thennnnnnnnnnn, look at this little baller selling iced tea like a boss.

You can also check out this old Coco Wednesday Wifey post or this jawn about Law & Order SVU.

2 comments:

  1. i've worked w/ ice on some microsoft commercial. he brought coco and her butt implants along to set.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you smell her?

      (VERY serious question.)

      Delete