Monday, April 30, 2012

Game of Frones: That Dude is Gonna Kill Some Mofos for Arya!

I gave up my seat on the train this morning to a woman with a cane.
Does that mean I get to cane someone?

On this week's HBO preshow thingy for Game of Frones, there was no disclaimer for "NUDITY," not even one for "BRIEF NUDITY" or "BRIEF NUDE HOSIERY," and yet it was still an enjoyable hour of television.

After seeing this, my wife claimed, "Well, there's no reason to watch this now," (and she was serious) AND SHE WAS WRONG. For the first time in our seven-year relationship, MY WIFE WAS WRONG ABOUT SOMETHING. So in honor of this momentous occassion in our marriage, for the first time ever on TVMWW -- I'm going to discuss the actual television program as opposed to boobs, butts and other boobs and butts.

So Smoke Baby/Guy can just slide under peoples' doors (/tents) and stab people? This is not only ridiculous but UNFAIR. How are you supposed to defend against Smoke Baby/Guy? It's like Gasol and Bynum, UNSTOPPABLE.

I guess this is why cartoon dogs are always telling us to check our smoke alarms. I know I checked ours last night. I don't want no stinkin' Smoke Baby/Guy stabbing me or my wife (or my fish) in the middle of the night. Then again, a smoke alarm isn't gonna really keep a Smoke Baby/Guy from stabbing anyone, it's just gonna give you a proper warning of when you're gonna get stabbed. So how do you possibly stop a smoke baby/guy?

Can anything defeat smoke?

YES!

AIR!

(I don't actually know if air can defeat smoke, but I do know that whenever I try to make grilled cheese, I need to open up all the windows and turn on the fan above the stove and that normally does the trick.)

Move over Snoop, this dude's the original Smoke Dog!

What these Game of Frones guys need is one of those air guns that the guy from No Country for Old Men had. Air guns can't be too hard to make. Then, they can just stand around and wait for the Smoke Baby/Guy to come back and then WAIL him with air shots!

THIS IS THE SMARTEST THING I'VE EVER COME UP WITH IN MY LIFE.

WHERE WAS THIS DURING MY 4th GRADE SCIENCE FAIR?!

I'M PRETTY SURE I TRIED TO MAKE A BATTERY OUT OF A SHOE.

IT DIDN'T WORK!

Interesting that this guy tucks his shirt in.


I don't think Arya is gonna use one of her three kill wishes on Smoke Baby/Guy. The first one was obviously a test -- like, "Okay, Mr. Stacey London Streaked Hair Guy, if you're really gonna kill someone, kill that guy who set up the rat torture thing." Now, she's got two more kill wishes, and I'm pretty sure she's gonna use 'em on Cersei and Joffrey.

My wife (who actually pays attention to the show) told me that a few weeks ago, when Arya was going to sleep one night, she kept whispering Cersei and Joffrey's names, praying that they'd be killed. I sort of remember that, but honestly have no idea who Cersei and Joffrey are.

Plus, Arya looked the oldest Lannister guy dead in the eye and said, "Anyone can be killed," a little bit of good ole fashioned foreshadowing.

Quick segue about foreshadowing / The Wire / Spoiler Alert if you've never seen The Wire. And if you've never seen The Wire, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

Do you remember a scene early on in the show (maybe season 3 or 4) when there were some kids playing in the street, pretending to be hustlers and waiving around guns and they were like, "I wanna be Avon!" "I wanna be Omar!" "No, I wanna be Omar!" Well, one of those kids was Kenard who went onto kill Omar in Season 6. Another time, they showed Kenard torturing a cat, which is an early sign of being a sociopath.

Which leads to the obvious next question: if YOU were given three kill wishes, who would you choose to be killed?

It's a tougher question that you'd think. Obviously, the first thought that comes to your mind is probably that little d-head from middle school who made fun of you, but is that kid really worth a kill wish? That kid (aka Me) is probably already a pathetic loser who can never find matches to his socks and has stray hairs sprouting out of his shoulders like crazy. What makes this decision even more difficult is that these people are going to DIE -- and they may have parents or children or siblings or fish that count on them.

Regardless, here are my three people who I would choose to die if I was ever given three kill wishes.

1. Shawn Bradley

Look at the look on that coach's face! He's completely stupefied!

Just 'cause he was SO BAD at basketball and ruined so many enjoyable basketball games for so many people. There were countless times when I'd watch Shawn Brads and just SCREAM at the television, like, "HOW ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS GAME? WHY ARE YOU ON THE GROUND AGAIN? PLEASE GET UP. I DIDN'T EVEN SEE ANYONE KNOCK YOU OVER. THERE'S NO ONE WITHIN FIFTEEN FEET OF YOU! HOW IS IT TAKING YOU SO LONG TO GET UP? UGGGHHH, THE ENTIRE TEAM IS BACK ON DEFENSE AND YOU'RE STILL PLODDING BACK DOWNCOURT? NOW WE'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY! OH MY GOD! TRAVELING? JUST KILL YOURSELF ALREADY! JUST KILL YOURSELFFFFFFFFFFFF!"

I know it sounds horrible that I wish THAT HE WAS DEAD, but this is a hypothetical exercise!

Next guy!

2. Alex Trebeck

I call it a "croissant," Alex -- not a "kwa-saun." 

Let me make it clear that I don't WANT these people to die, but if I woke up tomorrow morning and read on Twitter that Alex Trebeck had died, I'd be like, "Nice." The man is just so smarmy and no, I don't actually know what "smarmy" means, but I think I'm using it correctly and if I wasn't, Alex would be sure to tell me how to use it properly and with proper inflection and possibly in a French accent.

3. People Who Hit the "Door Close" Button in Elevators

Thanks dude, couldn't wait that extra 1.3 seconds, could ya?

This one is the least rational of my kill wishes, because I don't know why this bothers me so much and recognize that most people enjoy using the "Door Close" button, but is it REALLY saving you any time people? I get in the elevator, I push my button, and then oh, I dunno, a second and a half later? the door closes. But "Door Close" button-pushers NEEEEED to save themselves that extra second and a half, 'cause they've got a biggggggg conference call on the 7th floor and God forbid they have to just stand there and wait for the doors to automatically close. Totally irrational, but I want them to die.

The easier question is WHO would you want to carry out your killing? My answer would definitely be that LezBot lady who was guarding WhatsHisFace when he got killed by the Smoke Baby/Guy. She is AWESOME. My wife mentioned that she wants to see her naked -- and when I probed her on this one, she just said that she wants to see her arms and her legs and her back, "'cause you know, who doesn't like to check out the human form?"

But I already know exactly what she'd look like naked -- a cross between Babe Didrickson Zaharias, Jane Fonda and Gorilla Monsoon.

I only had to ask ONE co-worker to help me crop these pics!

Imagine the three of them getting it on?

It could probably happen in Qarth.

That place is kinky as fuck.



Did you knowwwwwww that my fish, Franck Ribery Jr, has his own Twitter account?! @FribsJr -- you should follow him now! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out these amazzzzzzingggggg air brushed Game of Frones t-shirts.

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