Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Game of Frones: It's Too Bad They Didn't Have Advil Back Then

Thank you André, I'll have the veal piccata. 

I truly appreciate modern amenities like running water and bowling, but is life in 2012 really that much better than back in Game of Frones-time?

While watching the Flyers game at my parents' house the other day, I went to the kitchen to get my father some carrot juice, stepped in some water, and returned with the wettest, floppiest sock ever. My day was ruined. My life was ruined. It didn't matter how soft the plush, fleece blanket wrapped around me was or how many Double Stuf (actual spelling) Oreos that I ate, I was more uncomfortable than any soaking wet soldier who protects any wall.

This past week on Game of Frones, some guys tortured prisoners by tying them up, putting a rat in a bucket and pressing that bucket against their chests. Then, they lit fire to the end of the bucket, forcing the rats to eat through the prisoners' chests in order to survive. It was cruel. It was unusual. It was pretty darn creative if you ask me, but was it really any worse than sitting through a power point presentation? Or being forced to go see your co-worker Neil's band play on a Tuesday night?

Let's let you decide:

Poll: Which torture is worse?

Thanks for ruining what could've been a lovely 3-way slut-session, Joff!

Later on in Sunday's episode, Joffrey thought it'd be erotic to watch one whore bludgeon another whore to death with a cane. It was sick. It was disturbing. But really not that much different from what the fine women of the Pumptown Tavern did to me the night of my bachelor party.

Last July, two grown women forced me to bend over (they didn't really force me, did they?) as they wailed on me with leather belts. (And they REALLY wailed.) To this day, people always tell me, "Wow, it looked like you were having such a great time at your wedding! You danced all night long!" But that's only because my ass was so sore that I couldn't sit down!

I would've loved a break!

I was so tired!

On Game of Frones, everyone has to carry gigantic, metal swords all over the place. So cumbersome. So heavy. But God forbid that I ever have to carry so much as a greeting card without asking my wife to put it in her purse. And why the freak are women so put out when we ask them to carry some of our stuff in their GIGANTIC bags? My wife currently has a "I will not carry any of your stuff in my purse" policy, even though it's starting to become shorts weather and I CANNOT have my cargo pockets weighed down with ANYTHING.

Game of Frones people don't have homes. They live nomadic lifestyles, camping out, sleeping in mud, fearing that zombie guys will eat them. I own a house in the suburbs with a ping pong table, but I also have so much weeding to do. Have you ever weeded? It's imposssssssible! You have to bend down the entire time and your back gets all stiff and you get dirt all over your shirt and stuff, and you know that saying "they really grow like weeds"? Well, weeds really grow like weeds!

I dunno, I think maybe life was easier in Game of Frones-time.

No one had to tuck in their shirts.

There was no low-fat sour cream.

Then again, there was also no Twitter. And that's no way to live.


- How 'bout that chick who sawed that guy's leg off?! She had so much blood on her!! And WhatsHisName was so turned on! And is that really how you spell "sawed"?

- I really wish this show didn't have the supernatural isht. Like, the Fire Lady who gave birth to that smoking smoke guy? What was that?!?! I can't stand that stuff. It allows the writers to do whatever they want.

WRITER GUY:  Okay, I don't know how this scene should end.

OTHER WRITER GUY:  What if we turn this guy into a platypus and have him drink a gallon of milk?


That rat actually looks pretty cute. 

Jose Canseco is totally worth following on Twitter by the way. You can watch firsthand as his life goes straight into the shitter. Follow him here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this guy's tie made out of cheese.


  1. "Teaching your father to use Microsoft Excel."

    This is a no brainer.

    1. My father just clicks like a mad man. Just constantly clicks. Clicks everything. Windows popping up everywhere.

  2. Joffrey is the worst tv character ever. Besides Ashlee from RHONJ. Those two should get together?

    1. I heard that Ash had some work done!

      She probably gives the worst handjobs ever.

  3. ^^ agreed on the Excel thing, hands down. It was hard enough forcing my parents to get rid of AOL last year (note: they were still PAYING for AOL...as well as high-speed internet from TimeWarner.) *head desk*

    1. My father uses the power button on his laptop like a reset button on Nintendo.


  4. Hot shots reference. Bing bong.


      Congratulations Hart, you're probably the only person who got that. I don't know why I'm congratulating you. This is nothing to be proud of.