Monday, April 16, 2012

Flyers vs. Penguins - White People are Insane!

I know!

Oh hockey, hockey, hockey!

By far the 4th best sport.

But then again, I like soccer more. And tennis. And bowling.

And badminton, and boxing, archery and golf. So now hockey's like the 12th best sport, but then there's also ping pong.

Hockey's main problem throughout the years has been the fact that it is played, covered and followed by almost exclusively white people -- which we all know is a recipe for total disaster.

Take a look at this recent study done by the University of Flarbsdale:

But playoff hockey is COMPLETELY different.

For sixty minutes, grown-ass bearded men skate around on the slipperiest surface known to man and slash each other with wooden sticks.

So basically, it's no different from regular hockey, except the guys have beards.

In yesterday’s Flyers-Penguins game, a guy jumped into the air and blasted a guy's face with his shoulder and nothing was called. Later, another guy pulled a guy's hair in a fight and then scurried off the ice. One dude was penalized for “kneeing.” Seriously, "kneeing." That's a penalty. I don’t even think the refs know what’s going on out there.

Referee Bob Dildage: Hey Charlie, okay, I got #24, he’s going in the box because he slammed a dude’s face into the ice, that’s 2 minutes. And #18, he’s getting 2 minutes for ramming a knife in a guy's throat.

Referee Charlie Steinel: Did it pierce the skin?

Referee Bob Dildage: Yeah.

Referee Charlie SteinelOkay, 2 minutes.

Referee Bob Dildage: The jumping shoulder blast, the guy who slashed the other guy’s nose off, they’re fine. That’s just hockey.

Referee Charlie SteinelHey, what about the guy who knee’d that other guy?

Referee Bob Dildage:  Somebody knee’d someone?!?!?

Referee Charlie SteinelYeah.


Steinel? That's not even a name!

Don’t be scared if you don’t actually know the rules. No one does. Yeah, some white people claim to understand offsides and 2-line passes, but there’s not one human being who can tell you what’s a penalty and what’s not.

If you want to fit in around the water cooler, you DO at least have to know some of the lingo. For part-time fans like me who got most of our hockey knowledge from Sega Genesis, it’s pretty easy: "wrister," "top shelf," "Boukeboom," but if you’re a chick who reads this blog and is still wondering when I’m going to get to the part about Ben Flajnik, just occassionally drop the words, “I’m Flyer’d up” from time to time and you'll be fine. 

Only a white person could come up such a ridiculously dumb phrase and only white people could vocalize it 473 times a day and get more and more Flyer'd up every time they said it. During the playoffs, “I’m Flyer’d up” can also get you out of any socially awkward conversation.

My Boss: Hey uh, Evan, you said you were going to have those files on my desk by noon.

Me: Oh, sorry sir, I’m Flyer’d up. I’m totally Flyer’d up.

My Boss: They needed to be sent to the client last week.

Me: Aw man. Did you see Hoglerchuk last night? What an organyezaytion. I'm so Flyer'd up.

My Boss: You're a good employee, Donald. 

What you know about the Shaolin Sword Style?

Adding to the drama of this particular playoffs is the fact that the Flyers have an actual black guy on their team. Yeah, seriously, like a real black guy. He’s named Wayne Simmonds and everyone calls him “Simmer.” I call him "Dominique Wilkins."



The next Flyers-Penguins game is this Wednesday night. I'm actually going to miss it because I'm going to a black fraternity / sorority step show at Temple University. It's either going to be the greatest night of my life or I'm going to get killed. I imagine you're hoping for the latter. Oh this? Nothin' much. Just some squirrels playing ping pong.


  1. My favorite post, thus far.

    Or as Pierre McGuire would say, "THIS IS A JUICY POST!!!!!!!!"[he's a douche]


    1. Speaking of juicy posts, HOW GOOD IS FRESHLY SQUEEZED ORANGE JUICE?!?!