Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Mad Men: Matthew Weiner Really is a Weiner

You can tell that's a fake baby, because look, that's actually a chicken arm. 

If you missed part I of the TV My Wife Watches Super-Platinum-Mega-Rocket-Gold-Mad-Men-Premiere blogpost, read it here. Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg broke down the Draper’s sex scene. Really riveting stuff. If you read it already, God bless you.

Onto part II!

Besides a sex scene where a woman stuck her butt eight feet in the air, the first episode of this season was kind of a snooze.

Yeah yeah, I know, they're setting stuff up, and it's not like I was expecting kamikaze explosions, but I was looking for a little more action besides a self-inflicted nose bleed.

But more disappointing than the lack of action (or the tons of commercials or Harry Crane's sudden weight loss), was the fact that my favorite character is ruined. Joan -- television's preeminent sexpot* -- had a stupid baby.

And she named her stupid baby, Kevin.

Yeah, Kevin.

As in, "Oh hey, meet my son. His name is Kevin."

Now, I'm not one to judge people's dumb names, but that's a dumb name. And that’s coming from a guy who basically has that same name, but without the “kuh” sound.

What kinda person names their child, Kevin?!?! What kinda person is so out of touch with reality that they go and name their stupid baby something stupid like Kevin?!?!?

I'll tell ya what kind: a new mom.

Probably the only cool Kevin, but no one actually calls him, "Kevin." They call him "The Kevilator!"

New moms (especially first-time moms) have long been some of civilization's most irrational creatures. They're sleep deprived, their hormones are freakin' out, they're obsessed with naps, they rarely shower, they watch the Today Show, and they constantly post pictures on Facebook of their sons wearing shirts that say stuff like, "Save the Date for Freddy's Bar Mitzvah, 2025!" They're completely and totally out of their minds.  

And I'm not blaming new moms!

I know it's not your fault new moms!

It's science!

And it's not your fault that my favorite character is going to spend this entire season weeping.

It's Matthew Friggin' Weiner's fault.


The worst thing is, this shouldn't have been surprising! I knew Joan was gonna have a stupid baby and I knew that her life would change, but I didn't realize that it would have such ramifications. On their list of priorities, having rugged sex with people at work is not at the top of any new mom's lists. Taking care of their stupid baby and making sure he doesn't barf all over the place is. And it's disappointing!

I guess the silver lining is that now Joan has milk boobs and may be so lonely and desperate that she'll be up for having sex with anyone and everyone. And also that she hates being a mom. But it's not the same. And it'll never be the same.

I guess maybe after all, I was looking forward to some explosions. I was looking forward to seeing Joan's boobs explode all over Lane's stupid face. Quick question: if a new mom's boobs explode, does milk just splatter all over the place?

It probably does, right?

This guy knows about Zou Bissou Bissou ...

Absolutely unacceptable that EVERY ONE of my wife's shows airs on Sundee nights: Mad Men, Eastbound and Down, Life's Too Short, and then starting this weekend, Game of Frones AND the Killing. No idea what we're gonna do. I'll tell ya what you should do, read this article about Mad Men by Chuck Klosterman that is so articulate and thought out that it makes me never want to attempt to write anything ever again. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out Cookie Monster being hilarious.

Apologies to Diane Sawyer and every Russian dancer (male and female) on Dancing with the Stars.


  1. You should be honored that Joan named her baby after you, Kevin Klonsky!

    1. Evan, Kevin, Kevan ... or you could just call me Dr. Baloney Balls.

  2. Thinking about posting pics of the kids to tvmww daily

    1. Just make sure if you do, you don't also comment in their voice as if they're the ones reading TVMWW.

      "Uncle Evy, I weally weally enjoyed weading this post. Also, I eated oatmel today. Hmm, I haven't played with blocks in a while ..."

      I'd have to ban you.

  3. I haven't played with blocks in a while..