Monday, March 19, 2012

Frozen Planet: We're Entering Level 9 Bonkers Status

This guy will eat your face. 


EXTERIOR SHOT: Somewhere Absolutely Friggin' Beautiful
(example: Norway, Iceland, NOT PHILADELPHIA)

A really cute animal does something adorable (plays with his friends, eats a leaf, falls over). Another cute animal lurks close by (also being cute), but is hungry for blood. The blood-hungry guy gets some of his friends together, devises a simple and devious plan and traps the little cute guy. The little cute guy looks around for his mother and then gets fucking destroyed by the other guys. The other guys eat the little guy and get the little guy's blood and guts all over their nice, white coats (and feet).

Rinse and Repeat.

This is the formula for the Discovery Channel's Frozen Planet, the new nature show from the people who made Planet Earth.

Oh, you know, just a penguin blasting out of some ice while another penguin walks by. 

Frozen Planet is frickin' bonkers. Last night, they showed glacial rivers thawing out in Antarctica, elephant seals stabbing each other in the neck and a caterpillar turn into a moth. They actually followed the caterpillar around for five years. Let me just repeat that last line for those of you who don't understand bonkersness when you see it ... THEY FOLLOWED A FUCKING CATERPILLAR AROUND FOR FIVE YEARS.

It honestly makes me angry at how incredible this show is. HOW DO YOU FOLLOW A CATERPILLAR AROUND FOR FIVE YEARS? I'm 34 years old and I still don't understand how a telephone works. You're telling me that if I pick up a metal object and push a few buttons, I can talk to someone in Denmark?! Cell phones I can at least kind of understand ... the signal leaves your little phone, bounces off a satellite and ends up in Copenhagen. But a landline?!?! Especially an overseas landline?!?!

Frozen Planet gets the first-ever TV My Wife Watches Triple Platinum Boner Approval Rating.

I will watch this show anytime, anywhere. The only negative (and it's a big one!) is that it's realllllllllly depressing. I wish the animals could all just be friends (instead of stabbing one other and eating each other's chests).

Thank you and have a blessed day.

If you like furry animals that don't eat each other, I'd recommend watching Too Cute! Kittens. Or if you like cheesesteaks, check out this place


  1. I was pretty bummed that this wasn't On Demand last night. Taping it tonight. I am as excited as a narwhal.

    1. Unbelievable lack of interest in this show and this blog.

      A sad day in the world of Frozen Planet My Wife Watches TV On

  2. I watched FP the other night. I'm with you...a little depressing. I'm also confused as to how landlines work. I'm 35 and still wondering how most technology works so I feel your pain.

    I squirmed when the penguins were hunted by the sea lion. Reminded me of the innocent sea lions that live down by Pier 39 in my old stompping grounds in San Fran. Those gorgeous creatures seem so sweet and hilarious but truly are just a bunch of overweight bastards hungry all the time. Sorta like my two stink bomb beagles that dwell under the same roof I do.

    And yeah, I'm looking forward to Mad Men. Missed me some Don Draper screwing every chick he's ever spoken too.

    1. My brudder used to live in North Beach and those damn sea lions used to wake me up in the morn when I visited!

      I also once saw a street musican band group there who called themselves "Quarters Anyone?" which I always thought was funny.

      Don Drapes is a bonafide bonecrusher!