Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Bachelor: Women Tell All, Sponsored by Schick Quattro for Women

So shaved.

Look, don't judge that one dude in the crowd during last night's taping of The Bachelor: the Women Tell All. For all you know, he's just a simple dude whose wife happened to have an extra ticket, and yeah, okay, he's got a little male-patterned baldness going on, and yeah, fine, he was THE ONLY dude there, but while you lounged on your couch in your sweatpants, knuckle-deep in a bag of Cheetos, he was there LIVE, IN PERSON, to take in the many wonderful smells that 25 freshly-shaved women had to offer.

The show was pretty standard ... there were some tears shed, some "Hold up, who's that chick?" moments and of course the segment where women screamed at each other in an attempt to snatch onto their last seconds of fame. If a woman wants to stand out in that environment, instead of yelling like a lunatic and challenging other women, why not just wear a pants suit? Wouldn't that totally blow people's minds? Like, "Oh my Gawd, did you see Jaclyn? I thought she was a ripping suit, but she totally rocked that pants suit. She must be a paralegal."

It's also very important to have GOOD POSTURE on shows like this (and really throughout life in general). I've found that the way a woman sits (or walks) can make or break her hotness. For example, Emily -- who for all intents and purposes is a pretty, smart, quick-witted woman -- slouches like my Aunt Maxine. And quite frankly, because of this, she's got San Antonio Saggers.

Next stop: San Antone!

I think that's why Chris Harrison kept asking Jennifer the accountant her opinion about stuff. She's got decent posture (and really, that's the only reason that would explain why he kept kicking it over to her).

HARRISON:  Jennifer, you're an accountant, you must have an opinion on whether or not Courtney's being genuine. You also have arms the color of milk of magnesia. I'm wearing a watch.

JENNIFER:  Well Chris Harrison, I'm glad you asked, 'cause I wanted to take this time to ask Ben HOW HE COULD POSSIBLY PICK BLAKELY OVER ME? No offense Blakely, BUT SERIOUSLY, I'VE WEIGHED THE PROS AND CONS AND Y'ULCH, HOW DID YOU PICK HER? and Blakely, really nothing personal, BUT TALK ABOUT A SKANK MACHINE.

BLAKELY:  Oh, no no no no, no offense taken. Why would I be offended that you just blatantly said there's no conceivable way that any man could pick me over you on national television? No, that's fine. You can just call my mother a whore while you're at it. Here, take this piece of baloney and throw it in my face. It's fine. No offense taken. NONE TAKEN.

This show is a goddamn joke. How 'bout this back and forth last night?

HARRISON:  Kacie B., were you afraid to love?

KACIE B:  Great question Chris Harrison, great question. But quick side note: Blakely looks like a dirty, plastic shoe. Am I right or am I right? OrAmIRight? OrAmIRight? OrAmIRightttt?

While we're being honest on this edition of TV Me Weef Wooches: The Evster Tells All ... I actually missed around 30 minutes of action last night because I was eating ice cream. And not just ice cream ice cream, but a homemade sundae with all sorts of stuff on it, INCLUDING GRAHAM CRACKERS!


I can't believe we had cherries in the fridge! ... HELLO Shirley Temple!

After eating ice cream, my wife put me in the hot seat and told me to take a Lactaid -- right in front of all of our friends! -- which honestly doesn't matter considering they've all seen me on the verge of shitting my pants. I don't know if I'm actually lactose intolerant (are there even any real tests for it? You just self-diagnose yourself if you have to take a smash after drinking a milkshake, right? Then I'm definitely lactose intolerant), but my wife insisted last night that I pop a pill.

MY WIFE:  Ev, can you grab a Lactaid? They're in the spice cabinet. Well, the box is in the spice cabinet, I'm actually not sure if we have any left.

ME:  So do you want me to just chew on the box?

MY WIFE:  Would you just check?

ME:  Oh, no, it's fine, I'll just chew on the box. The cardboard'll stop me up. All that ruffage.

MY WIFE:  Evan! Just take one.

ME:  Or should I down a little bit of cumin? Ohhhhh, we have Herbes de Provence!

So now I guess we're all pulling for Courtney to win -- partially because Lindzi is a snooze and partially because it could shake up the show forever. Which may actually be a bad thing.

If Courtney wins, then the Bach has officially lost all credibility (not that it has too much left anyway after a 2 for 21 stint), but this could push the show that much closer to the equivalent of Bachelor Pad.

I'm really torn.

Courtney and essentially the end of the Bach as we know it?

Or Lindzi and her dumb, stupid face?

I honestly can't believe how saggy Emily's tits looked.

Kinda phallic?

TV Me Warf Waptches currently has NINETY-NINE Facebork likes! Whoooooo will get us to the century mark? If you haven't liked TVMWW yet, do so here. Orrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture that says more about love and marriage than this stupid blog could ever say. 


  1. What if Court-Court wins and they are happy forever? Is that the only way the Bach can survive? Personally, I think this is good for the Bach, because people want to watch psychos on tv as often as possible.

    Next week's episode is going to be crazy boring.

    Uh, I just found this (SPOILER ALERT, WTF): http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/bachelor-ben-caught-cheating-three-times-in-one-weekend----see-the-pics-201263

  2. "dirty plastic shoe" made me laugh, a lot.