Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Bachelor Finale: a Running Diary

I could really go for some onion rings. 

The following is a running diary recorded from that fateful night of March 12, 2012, aka the day that Ben Flajnik officially staked his claim as the biggest nimrod in the history of the world.

6:15pm - As I ride home from work on the subway, my excitement in anticipation of the Bachelor finale is surpassed only by my excitement that my wife is making cheese fondue tonight. Seconds later, this excitement is slightly surpassed by the fact that I just remembered that the defending champion on Jeopardy has really big boobs, and then that excitement is greatly surpassed when I remember that the NCAA Tournament starts tomorrow night.

6:20 - The excitement of all of those things is then surpassed by my desire to take my pants off when I get home. It's 70 DEGREES TODAY and I can't stop sweating. Especially because the guy standing next to me on the subway IS RIGHT IN MY GRILL, but also because I'm wearing a sweater. That's really an aptly named article of clothing. I'd karate chop this guy in the ribs, but I don't know karate and he's black.

I really really really want Courtney to win tonight, like really really, but I'm not sure how everyone else feels, so I send a text message to a bunch of friends to hear their thoughts on who they want to win (not who they THINK is gonna win, but who they WANT).

By the time my subway ride ends, the votes have been tallied.

5 people want Lindzi, including my friend DickDog who scolds me for missing his birthday.

12 people want Courtney, led by @ThriftyRitts who asks, "Who's Lindzi?"

3 people refuse to vote, 2 people claim to not know what I'm talking about and 1 person (Philly Phoodie) chooses the champ on Jeopardy with the huge yammers.

"I'll take "DOING!" for 400 Alex."

6:59 - I walk in the door with my pants around my ankles just as the Pennsylvania lottery numbers are announced -- always exciting! Thissssss ... izzzz ... Jeopardy! And here is your host of Jeopardy, what the?! Jessamine, the defending champ is TOTALLY COVERING UP HER MARACAS! So disappointing. I really hope this is not a premonition for what's yet to come. On the bright side, I can totally devote the next hour to shoveling hot, melted swiss cheese into my mouth, which reminds me that diarrhea is probably what's yet to come.

7:58 - Here we go! Showtime! And I'm talking about the Bach, not my impending explosion. Joining me tonight at TVMWW headquarters are my wife, her brother (and his beard), his girlfriend, our friend Patty O and our next door neighbor Bridget who is REALLY PREGNANT and REALLY excited about fondue.

During the first 8 minutes or so, I jot down such thrilling notes as:

- sledding looks like fun?
- Matterhorn, that's certainly something.
- "Your son's amazing and so is your turtleneck."

Eventually, Lindzi tells us that Ben's mom Barbara is "really easy to talk to," proving that she's spent her entire life talking to horses.

Ben's sister then says that she prides herself in her ability "to judge people's character and what not." I wonder what I pride myself on? Lasting these 8 minutes without shitting my pants? Making sure I have an extra pair of underwear always within arms length? Not asking to smell Bridget's belly?

8:25 - Wow, this show really isn't that interesting, is it? I'll tell ya what's interesting, chocolate covered pretzels. As I try to get the pregnant lady off her butt to get me some, the first "WHOA!" of the evening is heard when Ben's sister reveals her really fuzzy gloves. The second "WHOA" follows shortly after when I see some sheeps!

Have you ever seen more attentive sheeps? The photographer must be holding a taco or something.

8:35 - It occurs to me that maybe I don't know what the word "vulnerable" means. Why do all of these people want to show that they're vulnerable? Whatever happened to the days of wanting a partner who was "strong" or "independent" or "more than 3 weeks diarrhea-free?"

The only place where I see a woman being "vulnerable" as a positive could be in the bedroom.

JOE:  Hey Charlie, how's that chick that you're dating?

CHARLIE:  Which one?

JOE:  The one with the rabbit-tits.

CHARLIE:  Oh, she's all right. She's kinda vulnerable.

JOE:  Nice. So you gonna try and take advantage of her?


8:37 - Flaj's mom and sister are impressed that Courtney has a job. I guess that's a quality to look for in a daughter/sister-in law. Then again, my mailman has a job, but I'm not about to sign him up to be a contestant on the Bachelorette.

8:45 - Flaj decides that the Matterhorn is the perfect place to go skiing, once again failing to realize THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT KIND OF STUFF WHEN YOU'RE ON VACASHE! I'm sure the Swiss Alps have AT LEAST three other places to go skiing besides on the top of THE LARGEST, PRETTIEST, MOST UNNECESSARY TO SKI ON MOUNTAIN.

When I went skiing with some friends in Lake Tahoe a few years ago, my buddy Loaves had the brilliant idea to ski on the part of the mountain that was closed off. I dunno, what do you call that, out of bounds? Off-slope? Whatever, we weren't supposed to ski over there.

And as we stood atop of this ridiculously steep and icy out of bounds part, he turned to us and said, "All right. Make sure you take really long turns and take your time, this is gonna be difficult," and my buddy Abu (who has an attitude problem) was like, "You do it your way, I'll do it mine," and then forged ahead with reckless abandon. Approximately ohhhhhhhhhh, I dunno, six seconds later? Abu had smashed his helmet on a giant rock and plummetted 300 feet down the mountain on his back. About fifteen minutes after that, Abu was taken down the mountain on one of those ski-stretcher things while Loaves skied right beside him, spraying snow into his face the whole way down. (For the record, Abu was fine. And he now sells life insurance.)


8:55 - After a long day of skiing, Lindzi tells Ben that she's exhausted and Ben laughs. WHAT IS SO FRIGGIN' FUNNY?!?! SKIING IS TIRING. REALLY TIRING. Ben's probably one of those people who hates napping. Afterwards, they have a heart-to-heart and it occurs to me that I only listen to about 8% of what these people are ever talking about.

9:00 - As we reach the halfway point, my wife wants to switch her vote over to Lindzi because she feels bad for her. I tell her that it's okay for her to switch her vote because I love her and then start to feel the first REAL indications that I need to take a smash.

When I say "Fon," you say "Due!" ... Fon! ... Duder!

What you know you about Soppressata?!

9:16 - I officially have no interest in this show.

9:17 - Ben is wearing a vest. I'm back.

9:19 - It always baffles me how these people have such a hard time "putting themselves out there." What does that even mean? During my bachelor years, I don't think I ever had trouble putting myself out there. In fact, that's pretty much all I ever did was put myself out there. That was kinda my move. I would put myself out there so much that it just totally overwhelmed whomever I was dating. I became irresistible because women had no idea how to handle me. "So I'm dating this guy, Evan. He's okay, I guess. He totally puts himself out there. Last night he showed me all of his moles. And he has A LOT of moles. Then he got me drunk. Is it possible to boil bedsheets?"

9:31 - It's the day of the big proposal which means one thing and one thing only ... NEIL THE REAL DEAL LANE and his giant steamroller chest.

9:33 - That was quick. The Real Deal came on screen, gave Ben a ring, ate like seven steak dinners and then left.

Meanwhile, everyone I'm watching with is freaking out about Courtney's gloves, but I'm paying more attention to Twitter than I am to the show. This makes my wife angry. She gets really offended when I pay more attention to the computer than I do to the television program we're supposed to be watching together. I guess I see her point, but @OchoCinco is tweeting about how he rented out a restaurant in Harlem and the first 200 people who showed up got treated to a free dinner with him. I'd say that's a little more interesting than HOLY MOLEY LOOK AT THAT MATTERHORN!

9:40 - The final scene ... and poor poor Lindzi is the first to get off the helicopter. I'm sorry Lindz, but you're better off.

Ben tries to sugar coat his dumping as much as possible and I gotta tells ya, LINDZI REALLY KEEPS IT TOGETHER. She even manages to dish out a little jab at the end saying, "If things don't work out, call me," insinuating that Ben and Courtney have no shot to stay together. This is the first interesting thing that Lindzi's done on the show. Good thing she saved it for when she got dumped on a mountain.

9:53 - Blah blah blah, Courtney's wearing gloves, and there's a few patches of fake snow surrounding them.

Ben proposes. They hug. They kiss. There's a giant Matterhorn. Somewhere a sheep eats some grass. Somewhere else another sheep eats some other grass. My stomach is going to explode and then I'm going to eat more fondue.

10:45 - After the Final Rose thing, it's revealed to us that Ben dumped Courtney after seeing her antics on television, but now wants to be with her again.

I don't care. I really don't care about these two at all. If they want to be together, fine. If they wanna sell life insurance, great. Who am I to judge what they should do with their lives? I'm just a lowly blogger who's wearing his third pair of underpants of the day (which is probably the same number of pairs of underwear that I wore yesterday).

I guess that's it for this season. Sad that it's over -- mainly because our friends won't be coming over every Monday night -- but also kinda relived, because I can finally take a dumpovski.

Sort of the perfect way to end it.

I really hope we have toilet papes.

So now that the Bach is over, I hope I don't lose you as a reader. Mad Membs is starting soon and then Game of Frones. So keep checking back to TV Me Weef Wooches orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr just look at this Matterhorn poster that I kinda like. 

And also this frog dog


  1. I STILL think the Jeopardy girl should have won Bach.

    1. She lost last night ... out of our lives forever.

  2. And I'm still waiting for an x-ray of Evan's intestines so we can see the havoc wrecked so gloriously in that nether region. This post focussed more on your (literal) shit than on the (metaphorical, moral and slickly-produced) shit from ABC. So why the cheese photos?

  3. Who is Skippy Peanut Butter now?

    1. And a grand total of no one understands this comment!

    2. Screw everyone else, that was just for you. And if you don't know what it means then you shouldn't have called me Skippy Peanut Butter in the first place.

  4. How could you not post about the ladies cape-wear??? This made Rachel Co and I really sad. :( Looking forward to Game of Thrones though! And DWTS!

    1. The cape-wear made you sad? Or the world's most disappointing blogger made you sad?


    2. I'm sitting at my desk, eating the bounty that is today's St. Patty's day buffet from the caf, and I nearly shit my own pants out of laughter. I may as well just put this shepherd's pie right in my seat and skirt the whole 'processing energy' thing.

      I can't believe you've still got it.


  5. I don't know why that was a Reply.