Sunday, March 11, 2012

The Bachelor: Before the Final Rose, Remember to Take Some Time to Stop and Smell the Elephants

That's a real haircut! 

Anytime someone is about to embark on a momentous occasion (like proposing to a woman who will soon be your ex, or watching someone propose to a woman who will soon be his ex), it’s important to sit back and reflect on how you got there. Pump the brakes, pull over and take a deep breath. So as we prepare for our final night of Bachelor viewing, let’s try to figure out how Ben ended up with a choice between a model and a lady whose last name is Cox.

Ben was just another wispy-haired winemaker until he painted a dumb elephant on a wall of an orphanage in Thailand during Ashley’s season of the Bachelorette. Remember that? Before that move (and it was totally a move!), he got less airtime than Vinny Zollo. But then Ashley got all excited because Ben was artistic, and elephants are cute, and if you can paint an elephant you MUST be sensitive, and sensitive guys are into leather, and before you know it, BOOM, Ben's the next Bachelor and JP is stuck with a lady who's passionate about orthodontics.

Women are suckers for animals. They’re cute, they’re fuzzy, and if a dude shows even the slightest interest in them, then he must be caring and disease-free. Fellas, forget about making lots of money or roofie’ing your sister’s friends, the easiest way to bang chicks is to love furry creatures.

The other day, my wife was yelling at me because I acccccccidentally set fire to our bath towels and she was all, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” and I was like, “HE SAID HE WAS A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER!” and she was like, “NO, THE TOWELS!” and I was like, “OH, I WANTED TO BURN SOMETHING,” and she was like, “UGGGGHHHH, I HATE YOU!” and then I flipped the script and was like, “Oh, by the way, I saw a bunny today in our backyard,” and she was like, “Weally?” and I was like, “Yeah, his name was Leroy,” and she was like, “Oh my God! I love Leroy,” and I was like, “I’m lying, there’s no friggin’ bunnies in our backyard,” and she was like, “What’d you say?” and I was like, “I love Leroy too! He’s got bunny balls!” and then we fucked.

Single fellas, listen closely 'cause I'm about to give you The Evster’s Supremo-Dating-Tip-Numero-Uno for dudes who are trying to bone chicks who own pets:

On your first date (or really anytime you think that maybe a girl might be willing to let you take her to the boneyard), bring a present for her dog (or cat or whatever) like some dog biscuits or a squeaky toy or a bone or something. The girl will be so touched that you took the time out to show interest in her dumb pet that she’ll totally be up for it.

YOU:  Heyyyy Marcy, I’m Fred.

MARCY:  Oh, hey. You look kinda different from your picture. Is that mustard on your neck?

YOU:  Hey can you shut up for a sec? Cool. I brought some treats for your dog. They’re mustard flavored.


YOU: Yeah, so do you wanna like, take your top off now? Or like in ten minutes?

MARCY:  That is soooooooo sweet! Schwarfie! Schwarfie! Look what Ted brought you!

YOU:  It’s Fred. Doesn’t matter. So, the couch then? Should I leave my pants on the couch, orrrr ... ?

MARCY: Ohhhh, Schwarfie loves these, yes he does yes he does!

YOU:  So what kinda lube you using these days? ‘Cause I’m familiar with pretty much all of ‘em. You got Luber's? That’s prolly my personal fave. I like Vaseline brand too, but Luber's is my go-to. 

Sidenote: If the girl you’re trying to bone has a young child, it’s also imperative that you show interest, but not toooooooo much interest. If the girl you’re trying to bone has a teenage kid: if it’s a girl, just be nice. If it’s a dude, try to steal his cellphone because I guarantee he’ll have pictures of teenage girls’ beavers.

The man who gave her this doggy pack is THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD. 

I can’t really think of any reasons why Lindzie is still around besides the fact that maybe Ben's into horses (and no I don't mean sexually, and yes I do mean sexually). I guess she knows her way around a makeup counter too, but that’s not really an attractive quality. In fact, I’d say that along with South Detroit and Wildwood, New Jersey, the makeup section in Macy’s could be the scariest place on this planet.

Courtney has made it this far for one reason and one reason only: she knows how to suck the cum out of a man’s cock. And I’m sorry, I really am, BUT LET’S KEEP IT REAL HERE. I’d love to write a blog that was “acceptable for work” or “interesting to read,” but if we want to really analyze how we got here, we gotta accept the truth, Ruth (my mother’s name, and kinda weird/somewhat fitting that she’s mentioned in this paragraph).

I'm really not sure who Ben's gonna pick. I hope he picks Courtney, but then again, I kinda hope he picks Neil Lane.

How many steak dinners do you think he eats in a day? Six? I'd say six.

I'd watch her on Jeopardy.

Reminder, before the Bach, I highly recommend watching Jeopardy and the defending champ with the huge yarbos ... and after the Bach is the After the Final Rose jawn which is always fun too ... or you could skip both of them and check out this cool photo project where the photographer superimposed cheap souvenirs of famous tourist attractions over the places themselves. 


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