Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Abby Manning (nee McGrew)

What's softer? The skin on Abby's calves or Eli's shoes?

Oh, Eli.

Behind every great man is an even greater woman. And behind every quarterback who still sleeps with stuffed animals is a woman who probably makes him chicken nuggies every night for din-din.

Let's meet Abby Manning, this week's Wednesday Wifey.



I've never seen two better-folded Knicks rally towels in my entire life. What must their home look like? Magazines fanned out at a 15 degree angle on the coffee table, brand new shell soap in the powder room, dixie cups to rinse with, khakis, lots of khakis.

And what about the dude behind them with the Wolf Man beard? What does HIS apartment look like? Chinese food containers strewn around the living room, a woman chained up in the basement, a bunch of herbal teas, bloody khakis, lots of bloody khakis.



Interesting choice of attire for a day at the amusement park. I always thought cutoff shirts and shorts (with an extra pair of underwear in your cargo pockets) was standard operating proceej. I mean, how are they possibly gonna go on the log flume?!?!

And who is taking this picture?!?!

Is there a guy in the (ROCKET SHIP?) in front of them who undid his safety belt so he could turn around and snap this shot? You know what they say, "Great photographers go to great lengths for great photos."

Obviously no one says that, but for some reason I thought I heard someone say that once, so on a camping trip a few years ago with my buddy Parm, I kept saying that every time I bent down or crouched to take a picture. Parm then started saying it too, until he accidentally dropped his camera into a creek while trying to navigate some slippery rocks. My throwaway camera from the trip is still in my trunk (film was never developed) right next to some dirty socks and an old Hustler magazine.



When your wife ruins her nice clothes on a log flume, she gets upset. And when she gets upset, you're forced to carry her shopping bag for her. Poor guy.

Also ladies, there is NOTHING WORSE than being forced to carry some dumb bag from some dumb place. A few weeks ago, I had to take my lunch to work in a Banana Republic bag (IT'S ALL WE HAD!) and had to withstand the longest subway ride of my life. I kept making eye contact with this terrifying (read: black) guy wearing a UNLV Starter jacket. The jacket was actually amazing.

Props to Eli for going untucked though, I didn't know he had it in him.




To make it up to your wife, sometimes you need to take her to the Sex and the City premiere. Smart move by Eli to keep his right hand locked and loaded in prime karate chopping position.


Lotttttttttttta tucked-in shirts and khakis at the McGrew family garden party. My wife's head would explode if she were forced to attend this ... that lady ABHORS khakis (and white people). 



I feel kinda baaaaaad for ripping on Eli, because I kinda like the guy! He's an above average quarterback, could potentially win his second Super Bowl this weekend, and he's got a totally smoking hot wife who's into Knicks games, amusement parks, garden parties, manicures, yellow skirts, taking her husband's name, letting her husband wear jeans when they go out to dinner, shaving her underarms, dudes who definitely subscribe to Hustler ...





AND SHE'S COOL WITH ELI WEARING THOSE TRUNKS!

WOW!

And how 'bout your boy in the hat with the earflaps?!!? Someone's gotta blow up this picture and tell me what book Eli is reading. Part of me thinks it might be Three Cups of Tea, but it also kinda looks like a Caddyshack DVD.




WHAT KINDA WAY IS THAT TO PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET?!?!

He definitely has swamp ass! 

FUCK TOM BRADY!



Rememberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, this week I'm giving away a FREE MOTHERFUCKING PIZZA to a random commenter, so be sure to comment below. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out the latest style being rocked by Indian school kids! 


16 comments:

  1. this write-up was awesome. LOVE Aaron Rodgers. Address for pizza: 807 S. Leithgow St.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just looked of Aaron Rodgers on wikipeeds to see if he was married. He's not, but his little brother Jordan is currently the QB at Vanderbilt.

      So that's something.

      Delete
  2. Does that mean you LOVE aaron rodgers and haha this isnt about him; OR LOVE, aaron rodgers and haha hes home ordering a pizza this sunday??

    Ps karate chop hand - perfect observaysh as always.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it simply means he (she?) loves Aaron Rodgers. Let's not try to always look into things AF. Sometimes you gotta just live in the mome. Like during karate.

      Delete
    2. it means i was in it first for the pizza, 2nd for the subject mattter... which i will now check out above.

      Delete
  3. I thought the note on the folded towels was particularly observant!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. your daughter keeps York Peppermint Patties in her bathroom!

      AMAZING!

      Delete
  4. okay in your opinion...who is the more good looking manning bro?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cooper!

      at first it seems like a no brainer, Eli right? ... especially because of Peyton's enormo-forehead. But Peyton is REALLY funny in those commercials and is definitely the more masculine of the two.

      But based on your question ("who is the more GOOD LOOKING bro?") you gotta go with Mr. McGrew.

      Delete
  5. Suggestion: Bill Gates's (sp.?) wife as the next Wednesday Wifey. I feel like she would be comedy gold.

    P.S. I can taste the pizza already.

    -Rod Roddy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BILL GATES ISN'T ON TELEVISION!!! ... HOW DOES HE RELATE?!?!? ... THIS BLOG IS NOT CALLED "IT GUYS MY WIFE BONES ON THE SIDE."

      Delete
  6. I can not believe you chose this lady over Gisele! Although I do like that you referred to Eli as a child in the first paragraph. But then you ruined it by cursing at Tom Brady. Can I have my pizza now?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I chose Eli over Tom because we KNOW Gisele. We KNOW Tom Brades. Bikinis. Ridiculous hairstyles. Blah blah blah.

      But Eli?!?! ... comedy gold!

      Delete
  7. Update (i replied too soon. (b/c i thought the first person to comment got the pizza! false premises!)) Hey -- Keep your pizza. This was so unfair to a super bowl mvp and football royalty.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The readers of this site are very intelligent!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I had an encounter with this Wednesday's Wifey subject. I was in Charleston, SC a few years ago for a wedding. After the reception, we went to a bar downtown. The bar reserved much of the outdoor bar area for our party, except for a corner table made up of Eli, two of his boys, and his wife (maybe girlfriend at the the time, but the same chick). It was during the season, but on his bye week. He and his boys were putting down Budweisers, and his wife was sipping complicated cocktails. A lot of random people came up to him to say hello, big fan, good luck, nice hair, etc. He could not have been cooler. The wife, on the other hand, was pretty bitchy the whole time. I'm starting a petition to have her stripped of her Wednesday's Wifey title.

    ReplyDelete