Friday, February 24, 2012

NOPE! No All-Star Weekend for Me, Thanks!

Oh, y'know, it'll be hosted by Valeria, Jasmin, Dana and WANKAEGO!

This weekend is BY FAR my favorite weekend of the year: NBA All Star Weekend. (And how 'bout the fact that I just used to word "weekend" three times in the opening sentence!)

HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I will be missing the Slam Dunk Contest and 3-Point Shootout on Saturday night because I have to go out to dinner with a bunch of white people.

IT'S REASONS LIKE THIS, my friends, that I started this dogshit-blorg in the first place ... because suckers like me get married (I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH HONEY) and our lives get sucked out from our souls and tucked into tight khaki pants for a night out with "friends."

Now, I must make it clear that my wife TOTALLY gave me the green light to get outta this Saturday night's festivities (that's being called "New iPhone app: Dinner with Friends" on our email chain), but after thinking about it carefully and prayerfully, I (and only me) ultimately decided that friendship and getting out and living life was more important than staying home and watching Deron Williams dribble around a bunch of cones.


Beebs definitely checking a secret, slutty text. 

Some of my fondest memories from growing up revolve around sitting on my mother's friend Marion's couch (we didn't have cable, so I had to go there to watch TBS), eating those chocolate carmel Nips candies (so hard at first and then soooooo gooey!) and watching Kenny Walker (and his amazing flat-top AND GOLD CHAIN) do windmill 360s! Or Craig Hodges's 19 straight three-balls in 1991!!! And then coming back the next year and defending his title DESPITE not even being on an NBA roster ... remember, he wore that generic NBA jersey! ... who am I even writing this to? ... there's no way the four Texas girls who read this blog know who Craig Hodges is! ... BUT THEY SHOULD!!!

And yeah yeah yeah, I know, I know, the dunk contest started sucking in the mid-90's, but then VINCE ... and then it sucked again ... but then DWIGHT! (I was at my Mother-in-Law's Brooklyn apartment for Superman's display AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A TELEVISION) ... and then last year BLAKE JUMPED OVER A CAR -- and yeah, he only jumped over the front of it, but Baron Davis WAS SITTING IN THE CAR AND THREW BLAKE AN OOP OUT OF THE SUNROOF!!!

In 2002, All Star Weekend was here in Philly and my buddy Rev and I decided to take a walk down to the Marriott downtown where all the players and celebs were staying. I'm not sure what our intention was, I guess we just wanted to be part of the action, maybe see a few players and entertainers or have sex with some of the women who were there trying get pregnant, but the entire hotel was blocked off. Luckily, I've seen a bunch of those Ocean's Whatever movies and know that there's always a way to sneak past security. So I went into the hotel restaurant (entrance was on the street), pretended to go to the bathroom, started pushing on a bunch of unmarked doors and then wammo!

The door opened up to the middle of this longgggggggggggggggg, empty hallway; 30 yards to the left was the hotel atrium: a bar, the concierge desk, a fountain, etc ... and 30 yards to the right was the VIP players/celebrities entrance. And just as I popped out, Method Man was heading my way.

As non-chalantly as possible, I started walking side-by-side with Meth. It's always a little awkward when you're walking RIGHT next to a stranger down a longgggg corridor, let alone a stranger who just popped out of some unsuspecting door, or a stranger who happens to be a member of the Wu Tang Clan, but eventually as we were walking I felt the need to say SOMETHING.

So I turned to Meth and said, "So Meth, when you see your friends later, are you gonna tell them that you walked down a hallway with me today?"

I'm not sure if he got it (I actually thought it was a pretty good line), but he just kinda looked at me and went, "Yeah," and then we went our separate ways at the hotel lobby.

But no hob-knobbing with rap stars for me this weekend! Nope, just some chicken tikka masala with people named "Brian" and "Amanda." Adding pain to heartache is the fact that Sundee's All Star Game IS ON AT THE SAME TIME as the Oscars!

Not even like, "Oh, well, you can watch the first half and then switch over to the Academy Awards, because the game starts an hour earlier," NO, BECAUSE THE RED CARPET STUFF IS MY WIFE'S FAVORITE PART.

I guess I could go to a friend's house, BUT I KINDA LIKE THE RED CARPET STUFF TOO (and I think my friends do also).

If there's one silver lining to missing All Star Weekend, it's that I won't have to watch the ONSLAUGHT of ads promoting Tyler Perry's new movie. At some point, one of us white people is gonna HAVE TO watch a Tyler Perry movie, just so we can understand what the hell is going on in the world. My wife and I actually attempted to watch around 15 minutes of one of his flicks on TBS one afternoon and it was EXACTLY what you'd expect it to be.

A black family from Chicago headed down south for a distant family member's funeral and were picked up at a bus stop in Alabama by a few of their long-lost relatives. And of course these southern relatives were goofy as hell and lived in a country house without air conditioning and then some other relative who wore a suit and had a good job and nice teeth came in and smiled at one of the Chicago women. Not one person was wearing khakis.




JUMPMAN: MELO EXPLOSIVE FLIGHT BTS from klipcollective on Vimeo.

I know no one ever watches videos in these posts, but all three of the ones I embedded are FANTASTIC. Especially this one right above here, made for Carmelo's Knicks debut and release of his new sneaker. So you should watch them. Orrrrrrrrrr, if you haven't done so yet, you should vote in the poll on the TVMWW homepage. As of now, "I want to start going to bed at a reasonable hour" is in the lead! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr look at this picture of the biggest jerk of an older brother I've ever seen.

Kiki: so pasty! And Detlef's stache! And why did Coop ALWAYS have his drawstring out?

Pretty sure the guy in the front row all the way on the right once tried to sell me life insurance.

Good thing Michael Adams put his knee brace on ... 
and WHO is #12 and WHAT TEAM does he play for, the Conshohocken Colonels?!?!

Larry Nance obviously farted here.


  1. Of course I know who Craig Hodges is! He’s only one of the most successful people in the chemicals industry, AND he lives in Philly! He’s got a whopping 279 connections on Linkedin, and rocks the shit out of a hat. I can’t believe you insinuated Texas women might not know this guy is. Ridic. (BTW, sometimes I can't comment on the Bach post if I don't get to watch it on Mondays. Not to rub it in, but we have DVR.)


  2. Number 12 is Rimas Kurtinaitis. Lithuanian... early attempt to globalize the league. He finished in last place with like three buckets.

    1. I remember that now! I can't believe they couldn't find him a better jerz! I wonder how many chicks he got preggers that weekend?