Thursday, February 23, 2012

Games My Wife Likes: Rocks, Paper, Scissors

This is a thing?!?!

Every night when my wife and I go to bed, we turn the heat down in our house to around 63 degrees.

Well, "weeee" don't do it, my wife does. It doesn't take two people to turn heat down now, does it? But I support her doing it because we both like sleeping in a cooler temperature (and it also saves money).

But last night as we nuzzled in bed, we quickly realized that it was a bit warmer than usual.

My Wiiiiiife:  Did you turn the heat down?

Me:  You know the answer to that question.

So as we laid there in silence, comfy and warm and refusing to budge, it was obvious that someone was gonna have to go downstairs to lower the temp.

Now it must be stated that my wife has taken on the role of heat-turner-downer in our home, just like she's also taken the lead on checking to see if the stove's turned off every night, and that the front door is locked, and then back to the stove, check the oven, make sure nothing's on fire, slam the fridge closed once or twice to ensure that it's sealed, then come upstairs and set her alarm 37 times before taking one last peek at the door to "yep, still locked, okay, no murderers coming in tonight."

But I knew my wife had had a longgggggggggggg day -- work, then class til 9:30 -- and I could tell she was stressed by the way she shoved a bagel down her throat when she got home just after 10, so I thought about just getting outta bed and doing a good Christian deed.

But then five words jumped out of my mouth ... "Rocks, Paper, Scissors for it?"

Stanley Dorfman (2nd from R, front row) has deep, deep emotional problems. 


My wife sprung to life! Not literally, she still laid there like a slug. We both did. If we had sat up and turned the lights on, it would've defeated the whole purpose of why we were playing. So we decided to play Rocks Paper Scissors VERBAL edition, where you have to SAY what you're throwing as opposed to physically shooting it.

After one practice round to make sure we understood how the Verbal edition would work (we first tried "Rocks, Paper, Scissorsssssss, shoot!" and THEN saying what we were shooting, but quickly changed it to just "Rocks, Paper, Scissorsssssss," and then blurting out either rocks, papes or scizzies).

We went best of 3, but the contest lasted around 14 rounds because of shooting the same thing over and over -- we had 5 consecutive ties during the first 5 rounds! My wife is good, she's a solid Rocks, Paper, Scissors player, but I am the king, and the longer the game went, the more I wore her down and got into her head, and eventually she got tired and slipped up, because if there's one thing my wife's not, it's a fighter. She's a cheater and a liar and a poor sport, but if she's not having fun, she'll lay down and give in, and eventually I brought it home with a 2-1 victory (coming back from an 0-1 deficit!).

But here's the kicker folks, here's why you read the last seven paragraphs of absolute garbage ... after she LOST the contest, my wife REFUSED to go down and turn the heat off!

I was livid.

You see, my wife is a TERRIBLE competitor and has a MAJOR attitude problem, qualities I blame on the fact that she did orchestra as a kid as opposed to playing organized athletics. It's infuriating (and sort of hilarious).

When I protested, she claimed, "Well you still have the satisfaction of winning," (which was true!) and then went on a rant, "Oh, yeah, sure, I should go turn the heat down, because I don't do anything around here. I don't cook or clean and I don't pay the bills, and yeah, I wasn't in class til 9:30 tonight, it's fine, I'll just do everything around here, because those dishes in the sink, you'll probably do 'em, just like you said you'd do your taxes you dirty dick."

Eventually, after I threw the word "integrity" around a little bit and in my most serious tone told her I'd be less apt to play games like that with her in the future, she rolled over, let out a grunt, got up, went downstairs and turned the heat down.

When she got back to bed, she grabbed all the covers, turned her back to me and not another word was spoken for the rest of the night.

But we both knew what the other person was thinking ...


EVER ...


My wife's response after reading this post ...

"I like it, except the end. Because you're not as good at rock paper scissors as you think. Also, one MORE correction. It's only when I don't see any gain in something for myself that I give up.  At that point ... at 11:41 at night, after working ALL day, then going to FIVE HOURS of class, oh AND TAKING A MIDTERM MODELED ON THE LICENSING EXAM ... then sitting through another class, and driving myself home, and then a few hours later after realizing that it didn't really matter who won ... it was at THAT point that I let my razor sharp rocks, paper, scissors technique slide. And you can print that motherfucker!"

Wanna read some more stuff about Rocks, Paper, Scizz? Check out this article from the NYT about a $50,000 tourney in Vegas. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this rock that looks like an elephant!


  1. You should up your game. Try this instead

    1. I can't believe how much I hate white people.

  2. I went to high school with Stanley Dorfman-that's just wrong-Ev as they say on Howard. Again-killer post. I ,for one, will never,ever ,ever challenge you to a game of RPS.

  3. It is ROCK. not rocks. Fool.

    1. It is ROCK, isn't it? ... why have I been saying "rocks" all these years? Clearly I'm only throwing one rock. Maybe that's why I'm so good at it, my opponent gets baffled "did he say rocks? he said rocks didn't he? what am I supposed to throw against a guy who doesn't even understand the concept of a singular noun? I guess I'll just throw paper."

  4. So many diapers, dishes, and laundry switches have been decided in our house this way!!!