Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Bachelor: Are You Serious, Clark?

This: good! ... Scrapbook: BAD!

After skinny dipping with a maniac and playing softball with Mexicans, according to Flaj, "It's time to have some serious conversations," making him the first male in the history of Western civilization to say this.

Moments later, some lady told him how she used to barf all over the place in high school.

I don't know about y'allllllll, but I've spent my entire life trying to avoid serious conversations. I ate lunch at Popeye's for three straight weeks so I could put off my annual review at work.

"Where's Evan?"

"I think he's sick. Pretty sure I heard him in the bathroom having a major explosion."


In the seven years that I've been with my wife, I think we've only had a total of three serious convos: and two of those were about the Bach. (The other was an actual serious convo after I was diagnosed with Exploding Ass Syndrome.)

But you wanna get serious, Ben? You wanna get serious? THEN LET'S GET SERIOUS!

First off, you SERIOUSLY need to stop spending so much time in the sun! Especially if you want to start hitting the skins later in the night. I understand wanting to live it up while being in the Caribbean (that's not where Panama is, is it?), but all that fishing and swimming is EXHAUSTING, just ask Jillian and Short-Shorts Ed. After I go to the beach for an hour, I feel like I've been barreled over by a Mack truck (very similar to eating at Popeye's actually). This is no way to live.

And this is where I pasted my pubes ...

Blakely certainly tried to get serious last night, pulling out A SCRAPBOOK THAT SAID THE WORDS "FLAJNIK" AND "CARING" ON THE FRONT OF IT. And she thought that Flaj would enjoy this. Here's the question though -- 'cause we can all agree that that was probably the dumbest thing any human being has ever done -- WAS THAT ACTUALLY THE DUMBEST THING ANY HUMAN BEING HAS EVER DONE?

The way I sees it, here's a list of the dumbest things any human being has ever done:

- Kasey tattooing the "guard and protect your heart" thing on his forearm.
- Kasey telling people that he tattooed the "guard and protect your heart" thing on his forearm.
- Kasey singing an a capella song to some lady he just met on national television.
- Blakely giving Flaj a scrapbook.
- Blakely not giving Flaj a hand job.
- Kasey not making a line of replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoos to sell to people who have Bachelor viewing parties and would totally go bonkers for those replica tattoos.
- Me not making a line of replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoos to sell to people who would totally go bonkers.
- Me giving away my replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoo idea right here on the internet.
- Me eating Popeye's for three weeks straight and making my intestinal tract more contaminated than any river in Panama.

If any of us wanted to reallllllly get serious, we'd donate money towards cleaning up the rivers in Panama. That was the most disgusting river in the world and those little Panamanians were just RECKLESSLY leaping into it like they had no idea what a river was supposed to look like. And none of those little f*ckers plugged their nose or even thought for a SECOND about not jumping in. There wasn't even any discussion as to WHO should get the soccer ball.

"Awwww man. The ball's in the river. Who's turn is it to get it?"

"I got it last time."

"F*ck you Pasqual! You did not!"

"Yeah-huh! Remember when I swam back to shore and an eel was attached to my leg and I had meningitis for like six months and then I died?"

"Oh yeahhhh. I'll get it!"

Haven't been to Hershey Park in a while.

That village was absolutely amazing. I couldn't have been more disappointed when the camera crew left and we had to return to the Trump Marina. If the Bachelor at that point had completely changed from a dating show to a National Geographic jawn, I woulda been ecstatic.

Why can't these people just hang out and be normal? On their two-on-one date, Rachel kept saying how awkward it was to have a third wheel around. Is it really that uncomfortable? When you're in high school, you're always hanging out with four dudes and one chick. That doesn't stop the dudes from trying to bone.

If there are any high school chicks out there reading this (and wow, that sounds really horrible), please understand that every one of your guy friends wants to bone you. And most of them would be happy if you just let them smell your arm.

Just tryin' to get a sniff!

These adults need to just have normal conversations about movies or breadsticks or scrapbooks. Probably woulda been a good move for Blakely to throw a little foreshadowing out there and ask Flaj his thoughts about scrapbooking before she just whipped out the Chronicles of Flaj. Then she coulda gone to Plan B. (Plan B is obviously Give a Guy a Hand Job ... which should also be Plan A.)

Jamie had the right idea trying to get fancy with Ben. Her I'm Serious About Getting Boned-act was amazing, except for the fact that she failed miserably by not ever shutting up. That was probably both my favorite and least favorite scene in the history of the Bach. My buddy Law put it best by saying, "Never seen anything so painful while simultaneously in Bonerville."

If I were a chick, I'd be so good at this show. I'd just give everyone hand jobs!

All Jamie (or Blakely, or any chick with or without an eating disorder) had to do was straddle Ben (like Jamie did), grind their snooter against his dork (like Jamie did) and tell him that they wanted to give him the dirtiest, slipperiest hand job ever. And then slap him in the face and walk away.




No giveaway this week (I spent 40 bucks on pizza and t-shirts! Don't tell my wiiiife), but feel free to comment below anyway. I'll give you a topic: MY WIFE HAS NEVER SEEN CHRISTMAS VACATION!! I KNOW!! ... Or you could just check out this goat eating a ribbon.


  1. Tinkled my panties b/c this post had me gut laughing so hard. Hershey Park, the river, etc. Pure awesomeness. Keep doing what you do.

    1. HOLY MOSES.

      For the rec, I have no doubt that there are certain readers of this blog who would pay TOP DOLLAR for your soiled underwear.

      Keep pissing your pants.

    2. If you can forward those readers my way, that would be awesome. I need more comedic relief these days. The dogs around my house don't talk that much and it can be lonely around here. I do laundry too!

  2. When I open my mouth, you close your mouth. And then you open your mouth and Ill close mine. And then we both can open our mouths. Ok ready?

    1. My wiiiiiiiiife had a theory that maybe she had never kissed a dude before? and before going on the show one of her girlfriends instructed her on how to kiss someone.

    2. except for the fact that her teacher WAS THE WORST TEACHER EVER.

  3. Such a stellar post. My favorite part was definitely the kids hurling themselves off a jagged edge into a murky jungle river with a huge current. What the hell!!

    1. Imagine how amazing those kids would be in the X Games.

      Or how violent their parents have sex.

  4. I just rewatched the super painful yet strangely hot kissing scene with Jamie. Poor girl. I, too, feel like she had the right idea and he was actually totally with her until, like, the word "instruction guide" came out of his mouth.

    Do you really think Courtney's tribal top was that revealing on her? It wasn't that revealing on any of the natives...UNLESSSSSSSSS they were wearing bikini tops under theirs too!!!

    1. Regarding Courtney's tribal top ... I totally thought that was fine! ... you're in panama, you're with women who are ALSO showing off their lower-tit, WHY NOT SHOW OFF YOUR LOWER TIT?!?!


  5. Top notch Bachelor post--it's no wonder your blog is top 50 on the bachelor. Something my wifie pointed out while we were watching regarding the kids jumping in the river after playing soccer. She said that soccer ball looks brand new. That's because it WAS. So messed up. The show buys these kids a soccer ball to make it seem like it's what they do all the time? What the eff?

    And Courtney is, hands down, the worst human being ever on the show. That dude Bentley doesn't even hold a candle to her maliciousness.

    1. Courtney sucks, no doubt, but Bentley was just a douche. His hairstyle alone trumps anything Courtney has done.

      Maybe that's why the kids jumped into the shit-river with reckless abandon, their new soccer ball was their most sacred possession (with the exception of a live goat foot that hangs over their hut).

    2. I'd like a goat foot to hang over the threshold of my house. And a muddy river running in my backyard. Then I can pretend I am in Panama with a hot man...I'll even buy a soccer ball just to make the setting even more real.

  6. I know when I'm no longer needed. Nice post, I guess.

    1. I think you're referring to the header? ... do you think we should update it? ... i kinda like it ... BUT COME UP WITH A NEW ONE THEN! ... YOU'RE TVMWW'S ART DIRECTOR FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

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