Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Top Chef: Is Sarah the Worst Person in the World?

What self respecting chef wears open-toed sandals?!  ... AND WHOOOAAAA MAKEUP!

We've seen a lot of unlikable villains in Top Chef history: Elan, Angelo, Anthony Bourdain, that chick from earlier this year who was a jerk to Bev, those snooty couples from Dallas, Glenn Close, but finalist Sarah might be the most evil yet.

But how does she stack up against the current title holder of "Worst Person in the World?" ... Chris Brown.

"F&M" stands for Fucking Doucher.

TALENT

SARAH: Seems to make delicious hand-rolled pasta, but according to my friend Leah who has rolled her own pasta TWICE, "hand-rolled pasta tastes a lot like packaged pasta." Also, I kinda feel like that's Sarah's only move! GET A NEW MOVE LADY! This lady I work with is a black belt in karate and has like seven moves!

CHRIS BROWN:  Really, really, really good dancer.


PERSONALITY

SARAH:  Zero likable qualities. Whines in the kitchen and berates her fellow chefs. Cocky, but not in a charming way like Shaquille O'Neal. Not Asian.

CHRIS BROWN:  Refers to his fan base as "Team Breezy," proof enough that he's a total dickwad.

Quick tangent about Chris Brown ... HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPORTING THIS GUY?!?! Like, who made the decision to have him perform TWICE at the Grammys (one of which was lip-synced) and then WIN A FRIGGIN' MAJOR AWARD?!?! I was sooooooo sad to hear that Rihanna reconciled with him AND MADE A SONG?!?! I love her (and her twat) sooooo much and feel that she (and the entire cast of Jersey Shore) put women back about fifty years.


I always kinda feel sorry for the little lobbies.

FRIENDS


SARAH:  Claims to go wayyyyyyy back with chef Takashi Yagihashi  -- who I'd never heard of, but "Takashi" was also the name of the dude from Revenge of the Nerds ("Ohhhh, like salad") so he's cool with me.

CHRIS BROWN: Who gives a shit, right? Fuck this guy. Let's watch some Revenge of the Nerds clips.







HUNG WAS A BOSSSSSSSSSS.


Tonight is the SEASON FINALE of Top Chef and I'm totally gonna live-tweet it. ISN'T THAT FRIGGIN' INTERESTING?!?! I'll tell ya what's also interesting, this picture of a lake in Mayanmar (that also looks nothing like Drexel Hill, PA).

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor: WHY THE FREAK DON'T WE ALL LIVE IN SWITZERLAND?!

Guess who's learning to use Photoshop!

So Switzerland is friggin' bonkers.

WHAT A BEEEEEA-UUUUUUUUU-TIFUL PLACE!

The mountains ... the lakes ... THE GOATS!

HOW BOUT THOSE GOATS? ... JUST WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET!

I happen to live in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania, a blue collar, shit-suburb 3.3 miles west of West Philadelphia and 64.1 miles from any sort of nature or wildlife (Six Flags: Wild Safari). In the center of my town is a bar that claims to have "The Best Crab Soup on the Planet," a Wawa and a comic book store called Cool Stuff. That's the actual name, Cool Stuff. There's a Batman t-shirt that hangs in the window and even though I've never been in there, I can GUAR-UN-TEEE you that NOTHING in that place is cool, not the stuff and certainly not the staff. 

Pining for a connection to the outdoors, I recently filled up a bucket of Johnson's Popcorn with water and set it on my back deck, and once or twice a day neighborhood squirrels come over and drink out of the bucket. 

Look!

So thirsty!


Now less thirsty!


Now, I'm not complaining -- I love these squirrels, and it's easily the best thing I've ever done in my life -- but it pales in comparison to flying in a helicopter over Mount Switzy. 

And was that helicopter pilot the best lander in the history of helicopter pilots?!?! He landed that thing RIGHT on top of that mountain! I would love to see him land his helicopter on a Cirque du Soleil guy. AND I BET HE COULD DO IT.

I used to doubt that the Bach and his ladies could realllllllllly fall in love on this stupid show, but after seeing that place?!?! I'm pretty sure that Adolph Hitts himself could've taken me on a date to the top of the Swiss Alps and I woulda fallen for Mein Führer.

Adolph:  Wow, being up here really allows you to just clear you head and think, doesn't it?

Evster:  (shoving the most delicious peach into my mouth) Definitely, man, definitely. These peaches are delicious by the way. Where'd you get these? Olaf's? Are these from Olaf's?

Adolph:  Evan, you know when you get a really lousy peach?

Evster:  (still chewing) Oh yeahhhh. That's the worst. You know I had never actually seen a sheep in person before I came here? Much furrier than I thought.

Adolph:  Well, what if we lived in a world with ONLY perfect peaches?

Evster:  I gotta tell ya Dolph, I don't think you're getting a better peach than this one. What's this? A German peach? Is this one of those German peaches?

Adolph:  And what if we could eliminate, JUST WIPE OUT all of the lousy peaches?! The deformed ones, the brown ones, the kosher ones.

Evster:  JUST WIPE 'EM OUT!

Adolph:  So we were left with only the softest, juiciest, blondest peaches in the world.

Evster:  Sounds good, manimal. Hey, when we get back to la chambre, I was thinking of maybe hoppin' in the tub, taking a soak and then giving you a hand-jimmy.

Adolph:  I was actually thinkin' about a good ole fashioned rimmer.

Evster:  Rimmer it is!

I think the show (and the fact that I don't live in Switzerland) is making me angry, because I spent a great majority of last night's ep yelling at the television; like when Nicki kept her top on in the bathtub. AND IT WAS A BATHTUB NOT A HOT-TUB SO LET'S GET THAT STRAIGHT! There are few aphrodisiacs in this world that work better than a floating titty!

And what's up with Courtney wearing her sweater sleeve below her hand a la Stefon!

Drexel Hill's hottest new club is called ... Gambol's.
They have crab soup, other soup, jean shorts ... 

And why oh why did Emily, Ali and Ashley all go to the movies wearing night-dresses??!?!?!?

Night-dresses? I just made up a thing, didn't I? ... "What are you wearing tonight?" ... "Oh, I was thinkin' of breaking out one of my new night-dresses." ... "HOTT!"

I mean, I understand dressing up (you're on a show, you're in LA), but at least wear a jacket because movie theaters are FREEZING! Were they heading to a sorority function immediately afterwards? I don't understand this world.

Even more baffling is the fact that Ben seems to realllllllllllyyyyy like Linbzeyg. Am I missing something here? She's not attractive and not cool, right? Like, there's a pretty good chance that her ex-boyfriend works at Cool Stuff.

The highlight of last night occured when Ben got PISSED after K.C.B told him what she thought of Courtney. Ben does NOT like to be challenged by women. On the first ep, he failed to choose that lady who walked right by him without saying a word (a move that I kinda thought was dope). Later in the seez, he sent some lady home after she questioned his decision-making. He kicked off Casey the Crying Weirdo because she still had feelings for her ex. This guy needs a reality check -- AND A FRIGGIN' HAIRCUT!

At this point, Ben's butt-cut ranks right up there with the worst male hairstyles of all time:


Carles Puyol -- you'd think he could get a decent cut in Barthalona! And it honestly looks worse when it's dry!



Chris Jones from Top Chef -- EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS WRONG DUCK DONG!


Nancy Lieberman -- Tim DeFrisco's camera lens FUCKING BLEW UP INTO 4,000 PIECES when this picture was taken.

Luckily after Kacie B. shook him up, Ben was given time by Chris Harrison to "decompress," which clearly meant. "Go jerk off, dude."

The setting was perfect. Mountain view, high stress, lots of candles, some Swiss almond lotion and pictures of his three potential wives.

I would've preferred a goat.


What you know about Earl "The Goat" Manigault?



I'm thinkin' about live-tweeting the Top Chef finale on Wednesday. My wife ABSOLUTELY HATES when I watch TV and tweet simultaneously, BUT I'M MY OWN MAN. If you're interested, follow me on Twitter here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out this grilled brie and goat cheese sangwich!

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Oscar Recap: I'M IMPORTANT, I SAY THIS, I DO THIS, MOVIES MAKE ME FEEL THIS, SHUT UPPPPPP

James Harden? ... and how are these chicks not in Hollywood?!?! 

Wow! What an amazing show. Much better than watching LeBron and DWade throw oops to each other for 48 minutes. Much better than watching KD go for 36. Much better than watching Russell Westbrook ram on people's necks!

OH MY GOD WHAT A SNOOZE-FEST.

Even the dead people part was boring!

The best part of the Oscars was clearly the Cirque du Soleil stuff. Did you see when that guy was balancing himself on that other guy and then the other guy kicked that guy onto another guy while that lady ate her own foot?!?! Amazing.

Anyone know when the Cirque du Soleil awards are?


Let's give out some awards about the awards:

Best line of the night: Zach Galifinakis when he introduced himself as Zatch Galfinilapdis.

Best speech: Meryl Streep (and also shout-out to Bret McKenzie from Flight of the Conchords / The Muppets whose speech was probably better anyway!)

Worst speech: Christopher Plummer (get over yourself, dude!)

Best dressed: Bérénice Bejo, Jessica Chastain and Nicki Minaj's Liquid-Plumr hair at the All-Star Game -- I can't believe I'm even giving a best dressed award. This is so embarrassing. Then again I'm definitely watching Fashion Police tonight with Joan Rivvs after the Bach.

Best French Bread Pizza: Stouffer's -- for the 84th consecutive year. Has any other French Bread peetz ever even been nominated?

Top 5 hottest chicks in Hollywood:

1. Bérénice Bejo -- my wife says she could be "the most interesting looking" but I think she's straight up the hottest!
2. Penelope Cruz
3. Salma Hayek -- She's still around, right? I remember her having bongo-boobs.
4. Scarlett Johansson
5. (tie) The Indian chick from that Indian Who Wants to be a Millionaire movie from a few years ago -- she was pretty.
5 (tie) And J-Lo! How could I forget about J-Lo!

other receiving votes: Megan Fox (might be the hottest), Natalie Portman (pretty, but whatever), Susan Sarandon (Lifetime Achievement Award), Some Black Lady (why aren't there any pretty black ladies these days?!?! That chick who used to date Kanye totally needs to be in a movie!)

Not the best picture of her!

And seeing as mostly chicks read this blog and I'm totally comfortable talking about dude's looks (probably because I'm still in the clozz) ...

Top 5 hottest dudes in Hollywood:

1. George Cloons
2. Ryan Goss
3. Idris Elba
4. Bradley Coop
5. Chris Webber

Blah blah blah, people are totally gonna have sex on the Bachelor tonight!

Fantasy suites!

Condoms are dumb!


Obligatory redhead shot! Where's Angie Everhart these days?
Boom ba-boom boom, boom ba-boom boom bonkers, bonkers!
My wiiiiiiiife told me to post this pic!


Whaddya think of my top 5 hottest list? Sound off in the comments section! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, watch this video of Oscar Schmidt and Drazen Petrovic going at it in the 1989 Euros. Drazen went for 62! Oscar 44!

Friday, February 24, 2012

NOPE! No All-Star Weekend for Me, Thanks!

Oh, y'know, it'll be hosted by Valeria, Jasmin, Dana and WANKAEGO!

This weekend is BY FAR my favorite weekend of the year: NBA All Star Weekend. (And how 'bout the fact that I just used to word "weekend" three times in the opening sentence!)

HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I will be missing the Slam Dunk Contest and 3-Point Shootout on Saturday night because I have to go out to dinner with a bunch of white people.

IT'S REASONS LIKE THIS, my friends, that I started this dogshit-blorg in the first place ... because suckers like me get married (I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH HONEY) and our lives get sucked out from our souls and tucked into tight khaki pants for a night out with "friends."

Now, I must make it clear that my wife TOTALLY gave me the green light to get outta this Saturday night's festivities (that's being called "New iPhone app: Dinner with Friends" on our email chain), but after thinking about it carefully and prayerfully, I (and only me) ultimately decided that friendship and getting out and living life was more important than staying home and watching Deron Williams dribble around a bunch of cones.

WHAT A FUCKING DUMB DECISION THAT WAS!


Beebs definitely checking a secret, slutty text. 

Some of my fondest memories from growing up revolve around sitting on my mother's friend Marion's couch (we didn't have cable, so I had to go there to watch TBS), eating those chocolate carmel Nips candies (so hard at first and then soooooo gooey!) and watching Kenny Walker (and his amazing flat-top AND GOLD CHAIN) do windmill 360s! Or Craig Hodges's 19 straight three-balls in 1991!!! And then coming back the next year and defending his title DESPITE not even being on an NBA roster ... remember, he wore that generic NBA jersey! ... who am I even writing this to? ... there's no way the four Texas girls who read this blog know who Craig Hodges is! ... BUT THEY SHOULD!!!

And yeah yeah yeah, I know, I know, the dunk contest started sucking in the mid-90's, but then VINCE ... and then it sucked again ... but then DWIGHT! (I was at my Mother-in-Law's Brooklyn apartment for Superman's display AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A TELEVISION) ... and then last year BLAKE JUMPED OVER A CAR -- and yeah, he only jumped over the front of it, but Baron Davis WAS SITTING IN THE CAR AND THREW BLAKE AN OOP OUT OF THE SUNROOF!!!





In 2002, All Star Weekend was here in Philly and my buddy Rev and I decided to take a walk down to the Marriott downtown where all the players and celebs were staying. I'm not sure what our intention was, I guess we just wanted to be part of the action, maybe see a few players and entertainers or have sex with some of the women who were there trying get pregnant, but the entire hotel was blocked off. Luckily, I've seen a bunch of those Ocean's Whatever movies and know that there's always a way to sneak past security. So I went into the hotel restaurant (entrance was on the street), pretended to go to the bathroom, started pushing on a bunch of unmarked doors and then wammo!

The door opened up to the middle of this longgggggggggggggggg, empty hallway; 30 yards to the left was the hotel atrium: a bar, the concierge desk, a fountain, etc ... and 30 yards to the right was the VIP players/celebrities entrance. And just as I popped out, Method Man was heading my way.

As non-chalantly as possible, I started walking side-by-side with Meth. It's always a little awkward when you're walking RIGHT next to a stranger down a longgggg corridor, let alone a stranger who just popped out of some unsuspecting door, or a stranger who happens to be a member of the Wu Tang Clan, but eventually as we were walking I felt the need to say SOMETHING.

So I turned to Meth and said, "So Meth, when you see your friends later, are you gonna tell them that you walked down a hallway with me today?"

I'm not sure if he got it (I actually thought it was a pretty good line), but he just kinda looked at me and went, "Yeah," and then we went our separate ways at the hotel lobby.





But no hob-knobbing with rap stars for me this weekend! Nope, just some chicken tikka masala with people named "Brian" and "Amanda." Adding pain to heartache is the fact that Sundee's All Star Game IS ON AT THE SAME TIME as the Oscars!

Not even like, "Oh, well, you can watch the first half and then switch over to the Academy Awards, because the game starts an hour earlier," NO, BECAUSE THE RED CARPET STUFF IS MY WIFE'S FAVORITE PART.

I guess I could go to a friend's house, BUT I KINDA LIKE THE RED CARPET STUFF TOO (and I think my friends do also).

If there's one silver lining to missing All Star Weekend, it's that I won't have to watch the ONSLAUGHT of ads promoting Tyler Perry's new movie. At some point, one of us white people is gonna HAVE TO watch a Tyler Perry movie, just so we can understand what the hell is going on in the world. My wife and I actually attempted to watch around 15 minutes of one of his flicks on TBS one afternoon and it was EXACTLY what you'd expect it to be.

A black family from Chicago headed down south for a distant family member's funeral and were picked up at a bus stop in Alabama by a few of their long-lost relatives. And of course these southern relatives were goofy as hell and lived in a country house without air conditioning and then some other relative who wore a suit and had a good job and nice teeth came in and smiled at one of the Chicago women. Not one person was wearing khakis.

I GOTTA GET FUCKING DVR ALREADY!

JESUSSSSSSSSS

CHRIST!




JUMPMAN: MELO EXPLOSIVE FLIGHT BTS from klipcollective on Vimeo.


I know no one ever watches videos in these posts, but all three of the ones I embedded are FANTASTIC. Especially this one right above here, made for Carmelo's Knicks debut and release of his new sneaker. So you should watch them. Orrrrrrrrrr, if you haven't done so yet, you should vote in the poll on the TVMWW homepage. As of now, "I want to start going to bed at a reasonable hour" is in the lead! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr look at this picture of the biggest jerk of an older brother I've ever seen.




Kiki: so pasty! And Detlef's stache! And why did Coop ALWAYS have his drawstring out?


Pretty sure the guy in the front row all the way on the right once tried to sell me life insurance.

Good thing Michael Adams put his knee brace on ... 
and WHO is #12 and WHAT TEAM does he play for, the Conshohocken Colonels?!?!


Larry Nance obviously farted here.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

Games My Wife Likes: Rocks, Paper, Scissors

This is a thing?!?!

Every night when my wife and I go to bed, we turn the heat down in our house to around 63 degrees.

Well, "weeee" don't do it, my wife does. It doesn't take two people to turn heat down now, does it? But I support her doing it because we both like sleeping in a cooler temperature (and it also saves money).

But last night as we nuzzled in bed, we quickly realized that it was a bit warmer than usual.

My Wiiiiiife:  Did you turn the heat down?

Me:  You know the answer to that question.

So as we laid there in silence, comfy and warm and refusing to budge, it was obvious that someone was gonna have to go downstairs to lower the temp.

Now it must be stated that my wife has taken on the role of heat-turner-downer in our home, just like she's also taken the lead on checking to see if the stove's turned off every night, and that the front door is locked, and then back to the stove, check the oven, make sure nothing's on fire, slam the fridge closed once or twice to ensure that it's sealed, then come upstairs and set her alarm 37 times before taking one last peek at the door to "yep, still locked, okay, no murderers coming in tonight."

But I knew my wife had had a longgggggggggggg day -- work, then class til 9:30 -- and I could tell she was stressed by the way she shoved a bagel down her throat when she got home just after 10, so I thought about just getting outta bed and doing a good Christian deed.

But then five words jumped out of my mouth ... "Rocks, Paper, Scissors for it?"


Stanley Dorfman (2nd from R, front row) has deep, deep emotional problems. 

Boom!

My wife sprung to life! Not literally, she still laid there like a slug. We both did. If we had sat up and turned the lights on, it would've defeated the whole purpose of why we were playing. So we decided to play Rocks Paper Scissors VERBAL edition, where you have to SAY what you're throwing as opposed to physically shooting it.

After one practice round to make sure we understood how the Verbal edition would work (we first tried "Rocks, Paper, Scissorsssssss, shoot!" and THEN saying what we were shooting, but quickly changed it to just "Rocks, Paper, Scissorsssssss," and then blurting out either rocks, papes or scizzies).

We went best of 3, but the contest lasted around 14 rounds because of shooting the same thing over and over -- we had 5 consecutive ties during the first 5 rounds! My wife is good, she's a solid Rocks, Paper, Scissors player, but I am the king, and the longer the game went, the more I wore her down and got into her head, and eventually she got tired and slipped up, because if there's one thing my wife's not, it's a fighter. She's a cheater and a liar and a poor sport, but if she's not having fun, she'll lay down and give in, and eventually I brought it home with a 2-1 victory (coming back from an 0-1 deficit!).

But here's the kicker folks, here's why you read the last seven paragraphs of absolute garbage ... after she LOST the contest, my wife REFUSED to go down and turn the heat off!

I was livid.

You see, my wife is a TERRIBLE competitor and has a MAJOR attitude problem, qualities I blame on the fact that she did orchestra as a kid as opposed to playing organized athletics. It's infuriating (and sort of hilarious).

When I protested, she claimed, "Well you still have the satisfaction of winning," (which was true!) and then went on a rant, "Oh, yeah, sure, I should go turn the heat down, because I don't do anything around here. I don't cook or clean and I don't pay the bills, and yeah, I wasn't in class til 9:30 tonight, it's fine, I'll just do everything around here, because those dishes in the sink, you'll probably do 'em, just like you said you'd do your taxes you dirty dick."

Eventually, after I threw the word "integrity" around a little bit and in my most serious tone told her I'd be less apt to play games like that with her in the future, she rolled over, let out a grunt, got up, went downstairs and turned the heat down.

When she got back to bed, she grabbed all the covers, turned her back to me and not another word was spoken for the rest of the night.

But we both knew what the other person was thinking ...

DON'T EVER ...

EVER ...

CHALLENGE THE EVSTER TO ROCKS, PAPER, SCISSORS!







My wife's response after reading this post ...


"I like it, except the end. Because you're not as good at rock paper scissors as you think. Also, one MORE correction. It's only when I don't see any gain in something for myself that I give up.  At that point ... at 11:41 at night, after working ALL day, then going to FIVE HOURS of class, oh AND TAKING A MIDTERM MODELED ON THE LICENSING EXAM ... then sitting through another class, and driving myself home, and then a few hours later after realizing that it didn't really matter who won ... it was at THAT point that I let my razor sharp rocks, paper, scissors technique slide. And you can print that motherfucker!"



Wanna read some more stuff about Rocks, Paper, Scizz? Check out this article from the NYT about a $50,000 tourney in Vegas. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this rock that looks like an elephant!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Bachelor: I Wonder if Kacie B's Dad Has Ever Seen His Wife Fully Nude

All right, can you let go now? I'm starving.

This morning at water coolers all across Amurrica, people were blaming Kacie B's lame-o parents for ruining her life.

And people are right to, they're certainly right to -- Kacie B's folks are certifiable dickheads -- but everyone's parents are dickheads, and Mr. and Mrs. B may have secretly been the most normal parents of the lot.

I know that's sounds like absolute B.S., especially coming from a blogger like me who spews NOTHING but top-grade, premium horseshit off of his keyboard, but hear me out on this one.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, Kacie's dad used the word "prayerfully" in a sentence (telling his daughter to think about her decisions "carefully and prayerfully"), but that's okay, the guy likes praying about stuff ... and YES I'm aware that her mother was a prude, but the other girls' parents were just as embarassing.


This water is fucking delicious.

Take Lyndzie's dad for instance (who's name just so happens to be HARRY COX, but let's forget about that for a sec -- THAT HIS NAME IS HARRY COX -- and let's also ignore the fact that HE'S the one responsible for giving his daughter such a DUMB-spelled name), but didn't he seem just a litttttttttle too excited to have visitors at his ranch?

HEY BEN, WELCOME TO THE COX RANCH! I LOVE HORSES, LET'S PLAY WITH HORSES! WHO WANTS TO RACE I LOVE RACING I LOVE HORSES HARRY COX NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL I JUST GO BY THE NAME OF HARRY COX THAT'S ALL, MY HORSE HAS A HAIRY COCK FOR ANY OF YOU WHO DIDN'T PICK UP ON THE WHOLE HARRY COX THING BY THE WAY!!!

I kinda felt that maybe Harry he hadn't seen another human being in close to 13 years.

And who the hell has horses?!?!

People just have horses? I mean, I guess it's okay to ride a horse from time to time, but I litt-trully don't know one person who has a horse, or has ever had a horse. My first girlfriend's father had pleated pants, not horses. My second girlfriend's father had scoliosis. Harry Cox has horses?!?! Fuck that guy. I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm being so harsh on Harry when his wife (and her saggy tits) weren't helping matters either. "Hey Ben, just wanted you to know that our daughter has VERY LITTLE experience with men."

Thanks, Mom!

While we're at it, can you also tell Ben that I have AIDS?

Quick segue back to horses: I went on a mini-rant this morning about horses at the water cooler and my friend and co-worker Dennis asked me why I hated horses so much, and I told him, "I don't hate horses. I like horses. I'd love to pet a horse," and he was like, "But you're screaming about horses," and I was like, "I'm just saying people who ride horses can't be trusted." And he said, "Well what about the guy who had Mr. Ed?" and I said, "Well, that guy's cool, 'cause Mr. Ed could talk," and then Dennis was like, "Did you know that they used to put glass in Mr. Ed's mouth so he'd be forced to move his lips?" and we were all, "What the fuck are you talking about Dennis?" and he was like, "No dude, it's true. They used to fill his mouth with glass and he'd get all uncomfortable and move his mouth," and we were like, "Dennis, that's absoutely totally fucking retarded," and then some other guy Josh who drinks this stuff called Muscle Milk every morning said, "I think they used to put peanut butter in Mr. Ed's mouth, not glass," and Dennis kept defending what he had heard and insisting that Mr. Ed ate glass until someone made the point that if Mr. Ed was forced to eat glass, there'd be blood everywhere and then someone googled "Mr. Ed eating glass" and obviously no one made him eat glass, that's preposterous, but we did find out that they used to put wires and threads in Mr. Ed's mouth to make his lips move, which was sad, but we also learned that Mr. Ed eventually learned to move his lips on cue which was nice for him.


Look at those pictures of Ed's family on the wall! ... Framed and everything!

Back to crazy parents!

When Nicki and her mother were chatting about Ben in bed, they both had their shoes ON the bed!!!!

WHAT
THE
FUCK?!?!

First of allbd's, WHO THE HELL LEAVES THEIR SHOES ON WHEN THEY'RE AT HOME IN THE FIRST PLACE, and second of awlgs, even if you do leave your shoes on, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE BED?!?!

NO WONDER THESE TWO LADIES ARE DIVORCED!

That's the thing with crazy people, they make you think they're normal -- Marv Albert, Jane Fonda, anyone who drinks Muscle Milk. Nicki's mom seeeeeemed like a cool lady who serves really delicious-looking ribs and baked beans, BUT THE BED IS NO PLACE FOR A SHOE!!! ... OR A BOOT ... ESPECIALLY A BOOT!

Boot segue: When Ben and his "new" boots were on the bed, you could see that they were totally scuffed on the bottom, which means that that swarthy, mustachioed boot salesman pulled a fast one on Ben and sold him USED boots!

That's more like it, lady!

On to Courtney's father, Rick "there's no way this guy's name is really Rick Roberts" Roberts, who gave the weirdest and worst toast in Bachelor history.

"On behalf the chamber of commerce, just wanted to welcome Ben to Scottsdale, Arizona."

Thanks, Rick! Pleasure to be here!

Forget about Rick's anorexic wife or the fact that he's DEFINITELY gonna go see that movie Journey 2 with The Rock. And when the hell did Journey 1 come out? How did I miss that?

Courtney segue: You know how when you really love someone you can't get enough of all of their quirky mannerisms and idiosyncricies? Well I CAN'T STAND Courtney's. Everything she does is sooooo annoying. The squeaky-voice talk, the shoulder shruggs, the lip thing, obviously the lip thing. Yekch, enough of her. Why waste another second thinking or writing about her? Ben is the biggest dope in the history of Bachelor dopes AND THAT'S REALLY SAYIN' SOMETHIN'.

Secretly the smartest move any woman has made. Ben is a fucking asshole.

So are Kacie's folks really that much more out of control than any of the others?

Her grandfather's cool. That dude has a friggin' football field named after him, which is fantastic if Kacie ever wants to produce a little point guard. Also, when Kacie took Ben on her picnic, she's the only one of the girls that took him to eat somewhere with back support! (The top of the bleachers, leaning against the wall.) GREAT MOVE by her.

And how 'bout a picnic segue! WHAT IS WITH ALL THE GODDAMN PICNICS?!?! Why can't these people just find a café and get themselves a chicken salad sandwich?

The only person Kacie B. has to blame for getting kicked off is herself.

Two crucial mistakes:


Mistake #1: Kacie B. should have never asked her little sister for advice considering she's 11!

Kacie B:  Hey sis, I know Dad is really skeptical of this situation, but I'm in love with Ben.

Sister B:  Yeah, I don't know what skeptical means, but I just put all these glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling in my bedroom, it's soooo cool.

Kacie B:  I just feel so strongly for Ben. I know it's real. I know it!

Sister B:  That's great, go for it. By the way, my gym teacher, Mr. Langley, I saw his balls the other day. They looked like gravy.

Mistake #2: She liked Ben wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much.

When Ben arrived in her shit town, she should have never went with ole Ricky the Dragon Steamboat running leaping leg-lock-hug, a move that no man enjoys, ever. Then, she kept making eye contact with him and was being really nice and was smiling a lot and that's just weird. It's just frickin' weird. Ben got freaked out, and I would've too.

But that's okay Kacie B. You're better off without that schlub.

Besides, after giving it to Courtney in Puerto Reeks, Ben probably has AIDS.





My buddy Beards's wife posted on my Facebork wall that she played blackjack with Ben in Vegas last weekend. I asked her to give more deets, but she ignored me. If you want deets too, go to my Facebook page and pester her. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, read this article about a new species of Tiny Chameleon found in Madagascar!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Preview: Life's Too Short - the New Jawn from Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant

I'm so happy there's no Housewives currently airing on Sunday nights.

For the last week or so, I've been walking around with a 35-foot boner in anticipation of Sundee night's season premiere of Life's Too Short, the new show by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

Gervais and Merchant co-created the greatest show of all time, The Office (UK), so everything they do from here on out is must-see TV. They could read from the phone book and I'd listen to them. That is, if they could find a phone book. So sad that people no longer use phone books.

So the other day, because I wanted to share my excitement with another human, I asked my co-worker RJ if he too was looking forward to Gervais's new show.

RJ:  Ehhh, I like Gervais okay. I mean, he's funny, I like his podcasts, but I'm not reallllly into him.

Me:  You've seen The Office, right?

RJ:  I've seen the American Office.

Me:  But never the British one?

RJ:  Correct.

Me:  This conversation's over.


Now, it must be made clear that I already knew that RJ was a total idiot. It's not like I needed to hear him admit that he'd never seen The Office to verify this. The guy never wears socks. Ever. He comes to work every day, sometimes wearing sneakers, sometimes shoes, sometimes these sorta moccasin-looking things, AND HE NEVER WEARS SOCKS.

You might be thinking, "Ohhhhh, well, sometimes I don't wear socks with certain shoes and I never wear socks at home, especially when it's warm ..." BUT RJ NEVER EVER WEARS SOCKS.

IT WAS 30 DEGREES THE OTHER DAY AND THE GUY STILL WASN'T WEARING SOCKS. That means RJ doesn't know the feeling of coming home from a long day of work AND TAKING OFF HIS SOCKS!!!

That's like going through your entire life as a stupid, lame, weirdo V-word. 


So serious!

The bottom line is, even though Ricky Gervais is everywhere at the moment -- doing stand-up, hosting the Golden Globes, recording podcasts, writing children's books, making movies, doing chat shows -- his bread and butter is television. And if you haven't seen The Office or Extras, then YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW RICKY GERVAIS!!! ... OR STEPHEN MERCHANT!!! ... and if you don't know Stephen Merch, you need to recognize!!!!

Gervais (and Stephen Merch) have managed to create a boner-popping fan base despite the fact (or maybe because of the fact) that they've only made SIXTEEN HOURS of television programming. The Office and Extras were both only two seasons long -- six 1/2-hr episodes each and a 2hr special to wrap things up. You can watch the entirety of either one of these shows on one couch-riddened Saturday. Last weekend I spent sixteen hours at Marshall's looking for socks.





I don't know too much about Life's Too Short -- because I'm one of those lunatics who has to stay away from coming attractions and previews and articles, and get fired up when my friends don't wear socks -- but I do know that it's a mockumentary where Gervais and Merchant and a bunch of their famous Hollywood friends play themselves / caricatures of themselves.

I also know that the show stars Warwick Davis, the midget who played that ewok from Return of the Jedi, as himself. Apparently, people have been trying to get Warwick to do a documentary about being a midget for a while now, and Warwick always declined, unsure how best to tell his story of being a midget. So he brought the idea to Gervais and Merchant who understood the obvious comedic potential of writing about a midget.

Midgets are also really easy to feel sorry for, and Gervais and Merchant have proved to be masters at making their audience empathize with their lead characters. David Brent (The Office) and Andy Millman (Extras) were both attention-craving, fame-seeking, pathetic saps, but they were also just a couple of guys who wanted to be liked.

But David Brent and Andy Millman were also assholes. And the fact is: assholes make for hilarious lead characters ... Larry David, Kenny Powers, Louie, Seinfeld (kinda a prick), Sammy Malone (narcissist), Al Bundy, Homer Simpson, Royal Tenenbaum, Wesley from Mr. Belvedere, Alex Trebek, Charles Barkley, Cookie Monster (he always ate EVERYONE'S cookies!) ... all assholes.

This midget is gonna be a total asshole.

Just like RJ.





Life's Too Short premieres this Sunday at 10:30 on HBO. Eastbound and Down season 3 also starts that night, at 10. You can follow Kenny Powers on Twitter (@KFuckingP) and also Stevie Janowski (@SFuckingJ), Ashley Schaeffer (@ASBMW69) and also Jason Sudekis's character (@RealShaneDog) who plays Kenny's new best friend. You can also follow me (@TVMWW) or Jane Fonda (@JaneFonda) who's the dirtiest B alive. Or you can check out this 16 year old's self portraits that are pretty cool.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Bachelor: I'm Certainly Not Compatible With This Guy. Are You?


Rachel, list your top 12 favorite Bill Murray movies ... go!


"There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him." - Bob Wiley, What About Bob

On this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), I'm not here to piss on love, or fairy tales, or catching lobsters, and if Ben and his ladies are into love and lobster, that's great, enjoy the love, enjoy the lobster ... love love love ... lobster lobster lobster ... but anyone who's been married for more than a week and has literally watched their spouse shave their upper thighs in the shower can tell you that relationships are less about love and more about LOBSTERS ... I mean, COMPATIBILITY.

Is your partner okay with you bringing home sushi on V-Day as opposed to you making dinner like you promised? (Mine was.) Is your partner down with wearing sweatpants ALL THE TIME? (Mine is.) Is your partner okay with you eating an entire bag of Smartfood® and then asking for your last sip of lemonade? (Two for three baby!

Look, I don't know when the last time you had Smartfood was, but it is F*CKING INSANE. Last night, I seriously considered taking a spoon to dig up the rogue pieces of popcorn at the bottom of my bag. If there's one thing you need to do this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), it's get yourself (and your Valentine!) a bag of Smartfood.

Chicks in Belize know how to party!

Apparently, Ben is looking for a woman who's into jumping out of helicopters and swimming with sharks and catching lobsters with a glove and not a woman with a PHD who drains jump shots on unsuspecting Belizians. (And also, is it really necessary to just grab lobsters with a glove? The lobsters are just trying to hang out and go for a swim. Get your damn hands off them and just let them be lobsters!). I guess that's fine if you're planning on living a life of luxury while constantly traveling the world and doing stuff, but what about seeing who's compatible with you when you wanna watch the Westminster Dog Show on a Tuesday night (that just so happens to be Valentine's Day!)?

I get wanting to sightsee and swim and make a television show while you're in Belize, but these people need to start doing REAL shit and have REAL conversations if they wanna see if they're REALLY meant for each other. They're always talking about feelings and love instead of important stuff like what movies you like or what you want to name your dog or what magazine subscriptions you'd get if you ever opened a dentist's office.

Sports Ill, People, Rolling Stone (just for the charts in the back), Four Four Two, Time (seems pretty standard) and probably a Skiing magazine just for the snowy pictures. 

Ben had a golden opportunity to call off that stupid shark date and get to REALLY know these women when Nicki and Rachel were shaving in the shower. I mean, just pull up a chair and watch them shave! What a great (and EROTIC) way to spend a morning! Grab a bag of Smartfood and watch their skin prune. How did it take me 34 years to discover that women shaving is so hot?!?!?

My wife -- who reads the New York Times and thinks she's better than other people -- told me about an article yesterday that said that intelligence is the #4 quality that men look for in a woman. In 1960, intelligence was #15!

So I gots to thinking ...

A) are there even 15 qualities I can name in a human?
and
B) where would intelligence rank on my list? 

Here goes:

1. Boobs
2. Butt
3. Senses of humors
4. Open-minded
5. Open-minded sexually
6. Nice
7. Intelligent
8. Likes Smartfood (or at least recognizes how another person could love it so much)
9. Clean hair
10. No history of mental illness in family 
11. Cash
12. Understands that you may or may not have a foot fetish
13. Gets excited about something ... anything!
14. Likes squirrels or other furry things that drink water
15. Would be up for watching a guy karate-kick a wall

Get over yourself, kid.

I'll tell ya what's ranks 483rd on my list ... a woman who spells her name "Lindzi!"

ENOUGH OF THIS ALREADY!

IT HAS TO STOP!

That's not how you spell that name! Completely and totally unacceptable. I know, I know, her parents are the one who named her, so she's not entirely at fault, but she's got their DNA in her so clearly something's REALLY wrong with her.

Also, what kinda way was that to throw a message in a bottle?!?! It went around three feet and I can almost guarantee that it washed ashore at the adjacent dock where the lobster guy apparently just takes people out on his boat with no reservations?!?! "Oh, you want lobsters? I can take you out on my boat! No, I'm not doing anything important today, I don't need to run any errands or feed my family, I'll just take you out on a boat!"

Ben kicked off Emily who seemed to be the most intelligent and well-rounded chick on the show. She pretended to be compatible with Ben, but clearly wasn't into riding a bike and playing basketball with Belizians. I liked her the best, but after she said the word "Yay" out loud, I woulda kicked her off too.

Silver lining on Emily going home is that we get to meet Courtney's parents next week, who Courtney claims have the perfect relationship. All these ladies keep saying that about their parents. I can honestly tell you that I have never once uttered the phrase "my parents have the perfect relationship." I was over at my parents' house last week and my mother and father spent 20 minutes arguing about lamb chops. 

And they weren't even arguing about how to prepare lamb chops, or what goes best with lamb chops, they were just arguing about lamb chops. 

Dad: I want lamb chops tonight. I love lamb chops.

Mom: Oh you don't love lamb chops! Shut up.

Dad: What? I love lamb chops.

Mom: You don't even know what lamb chops are.

Dad: Yeah, they're the meat, with the bone ...

Mom: If you want lamb chops so bad, make yourself some goddamn lamb chops. Geez, all of a sudden he loves lamb chops.

Dad: I don't love lamb chops! Stop saying I love lamb chops. 

Mom: Briscuit. Lamb chops. Apple sauce. Name one thing you don't like. 

Dad: I don't like lamb chops! I'll tell ya that much! We better not be having lamb chops tonight.

Mom: Did you pick up Smartfood today?

Dad: Yeah, I got us some Smartfood.

Mom: I'll grab us some spoons.

My parents have been married for 35 years.

Pretty sure they've never swam with sharks or jumped out of a flying machine. They normally spend their vacations at museums and my dad wanders off by himself. My mom stays back and looks at stuff. Eventually, she finds him sitting on a bench (often with a lemonade).

I'm not sure if they're currently on speaking terms.


Just because.

By the way, a dumb dog won Best in Show at Westminster last night. A total farce. Check out pictures here. Or don't. I don't care. I've been sitting in a Cosi for an hour now and need to get back to work. Clicking "post" NOW!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Bach Post Ain't Happenin' Today!

It's like they're pointing out!

Gotta spend Billy Ray Valentine's Day with the Wife ... Bach post coming tomorrow ... assalamu alaikum.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Thursday's Wifey: The Lady Who Was Sitting Next to Doc Rivers at the Duke-UNC Game


Last night, after Austin Rivers's buzzer-beating, back-breaking, something that starts with a B followed by something else that starts with a B three-pointer downed UNC, his father Doc was seeing going absolutely bonkers in the stands with a very attractive leopard-printed woman.

Of course, knowing that Doc is a former NBA All-star and current coach, I assumed this was his wife. But after a quick Google image search, I realized that Doc happens to be married to Willie Nelson's daughter.


Is she holding that dog's ear? ... She's totally holding that dog's ear!

So if that wasn't Doc's wife, I figured maybe it was Dell Curry's wife (whose son also plays for Duke). I remember her getting some serious air time when Steph was making that Final Four run for Davidson, but I also remember her being an intellectual and I don't think intellectuals wear leopard prints.

Also, why would Doc have his arm around Mrs. Curry?!?!

If they have that kinda relationship, that's great, it's nice for players' parents to bond, but if I were Willie Nelson and my son in law was arm-in-arm with some leopard-printed lady, I'd want some answers.

I guess sometimes crazy things happen during crazy celebrations. Once, after a high school basketball game, some Indian chick with a nose ring kissed me on the cheek as the fans rushed the court. It was pretty exhilarating, partially because her culture forbid her to ever kiss a Jew, but also because that Jew was secretly wearing leopard print panties underneath his uniform.



This is Dell's wife (and Steph and Seth Curry's mom). This can't be the woman next to Doc at the game because that woman was super hot and this woman has AN UNBELIEVABLY LONG NECK and I'm not saying that to make fun of her, I'm just saying this lady's neck is MUCH longer than any other neck I've ever seen, which includes the neck of the lady in the stands with Doc!



Just further proof that Sonya Curry was NOT locking arms with Doc (and also proof that the Curry family dynamic is WEIRD). "Hey Steph, I know you're on the verge of signing a lucrative NBA deal, but come sit on Mommy's lap." I mean, the Currys live in a blatant mansion, they couldn't have gotten one more chair for the photo?!?! There's probably a perfectly good deck chair (and who knows what other amazing outdoor furniture) right next to them on that patio. But no, little Stephy's gonna sit in Mommy's lap.



Could thisssssssssssss be the woman on Doc's arm?

This is Callie Rivers, Doc's daughter, who DEFINITELY looks like she's got a couple leopard print outfits in her wardrobe. There's also a pretty good chance that when she went out this night, 14 different Jewish guys tried to roofie her.




THIS IS WILLIE NELSON'S GRANDDAUGHTER, FOLKS!!




Honestly shocked that of all the people pictured in this post, that Muscles Marinara here isn't the one wearing leopard print. And isn't black slimming? What's this guy thinking?!?!?


Before we rule out Sonya Curry, probably smart to look back at what she looked like as a college volleyball player and HER NECK HAS GOTTEN LONGER, HASN'T IT?!?!

DO NECKS GROW?

I KNOW THAT NOSES AND EARS AND MY TWO VOLLEYBALLS CURRENTLY RESTING RIGHT NOW IN MY LEOPARD PRINTS DO, BUT NECKS TOO?!?!?

I'm gonna go ahead and say that the woman with Doc was NOT Sonya Curry, but Doc's daughter, Callie.





So now that we've settled that, can we discuss ...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CURRY FAMILY?!?!

I honestly have no idea what kind of pose Steph is giving us here. Does Monte* Ellis know about this picture? He looks like he just told his wife that before they get married he wants her to know that he only wears leopard print panties.

(Monte is actually spelled Monta ... see comments below)



Just standing on a bench by a tree, that's all. Not that big of a deal. Just taking a couple shots here with my soon-to-be husband and thought that a standing bench shot would be nice. My dress is getting filthy in these bushes, but it's cool, we got the bench shot. Yeah, Steph's thinking. He's a big Rodin fan. Are the hors d'oeuvres being passed yet?



Another sad sap forced to carry his woman's bag.

Although, I kinda feel like Steph was the one doing the shopping.

By the way, if you haven't seen Will Ferrell introducing the starting lineups from last night's Hornets-Bulls game yet, you need to watch it now.





The Grammys are this weekend. If you feel like reading my Grammy post from last year, click here. Or just check out the only hors d'oeuvres you'll ever need.


Wednesday, February 8, 2012