Friday, January 13, 2012

Book/Movie Review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Not Really a Book or Movie Review)

Wearing a leather jacket without a shirt can't be comfortable.

I'm not sure why I thought The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was gonna be about a female ninja -- I guess the title is a bit misleading, or maybe I'm just racist -- but that doesn't mean that Lisbeth Salander (The Girl) is not one bad mutha.

This Girl will f*ck you up, especially if you try to rape her, and even if you don't try and rape her, even if you're really nice to her, she's still pretty intimidating. Both the book and the movie -- or should I say the "boovie" -- lead you to believe that Lisbeth is angry because MEN-ARE-PIGS. And this is true, Lisbeth is a victim of sexual abuse, but there are may other factors from Lisbeth's Swedish past that could have led to her violent outbursts.

Let's take a look at some famous Swedish influences and really get to the bottom of why Lisbeth is the way she is ... you know, besides all the rape/abuse/rapuse.

How does the wooden spoon help him here?!?!
The Swedish Chef - Probably the most famous Swede of all-time. Seems like a nice enough guy, always in a good mood, always cooking something, BUT THE GUY IS A STONE COLD KILLER! Always chucking knives! Chopping stuff up! Having absolutely no regard for human safety! HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY GONZO'S CHICKENS RUN FROM HIM WHENEVER HE'S AROUND?!?! I can't believe my neurotic Jewish mother allowed me to watch him!

Get over yourself, Sookie!

Vampire Eric - Forget about eating humans and ripping people's throats out, this guy has an uncanny ability to break up a marriage. My wife starts moaaaaaaning anytime he appears on screen, and even though I've had lentil soup on three different occasions this week, my stomach will never be as chiseled as his. I was SO HAPPY that he fell in love and turned into a major doucher this past season -- aka pulled a "Chandler Bing" -- because he allowed my marriage to continue (and I'm on my wife's heath insurance plan).

IKEA - This place is a death trap. You walk in the front door, hang a left, and instantly argue with your spouse for eight consecutive hours. We once went on a quick trip in search of iced tea spoons and limped out eight hours later with a "Glack," a couple "Slorjs" and "meatball stains" all over my shirt. I would rather watch SEX AND THE CITY (YEP, I SAID IT -- EVEN AN EPISODE FEATURING MIRANDA) than go to IKEA. That place breeds hatred.

Tiger Woods's ex-wife Elin Norrdgrorden - Wasn't there a movie where some chick takes a golf club and whacks some dude with it? Wait a minute ...

Tony Pena-style!
Dolph Lundgren - He's Swedish! You had no idea, did you? Had to be Russian, right? HAD TO BE. The fact that he didn't win an Oscar for his performance in Rocky IV as Ivan Drago has to be the biggest injustice in the history of Western civilization. You telling me you didn't think he was a Russian boxer? YOU'RE A GODDAMNED LIAR. Up until late last Spring I actually thought Ivan Drago played himself in that movie! Wanna know who beat him out for Best Actor in 1985? William Hurt in Kiss of the Spider Woman! I'm not even sure who that is! So many exclamation points in this paragraph! For those of you who actually read/saw the boovie, how disappointed are you in this post?!?!?

Know who else is Swedish?????

This guy is honestly amazing!

Not that anyone not named "Philly Phoodie" ever comments, but please refrain from commenting spoilers about the next 2 boovies! Also, I feel kinda baad that I didn't give an actual review of this boovie, so please accept my apology.  


  1. Not even kidding, I am 99% Swedish chef when I am cooking. It's one part danger, one part extremely sharp knives and one part jibberish.