Monday, January 2, 2012

The Bachelor: Preview? I Hardly Even Know You.

Thank you, Herschel, I'll have the Manischewitz.

EVSTER'S NOTE: This post was written BEFORE the premier of the Bach. All of my text is written in blue, while material lifted off of the Bach's website is in black. And as I'm typing this, there's a squirrel in my backyard who is drinking rainwater out of one of those citronella candles on my back deck. It's really really cute. I hope he doesn't die. 

Let's get right to some cold, hard facts. 

- In the 15 (YEP, FIFTEEN) previous seasons of the Bachelor, there has not been ONE successful marriage. 0 for 15. Althoughhhhhhhh, the Mezzer (Jason Mesnick) did end up marrying the chick who he dumped in the last episode, so let's give them that one. 1 for 15. That's not bad! (Not good, but not bad.)

- Here's a quote from Ben Flajnik's (real last name!) bio on ABC's Bach website, "He is quite handy with a hammer and saw, and loves fixing and building things." In a recent study done by TV My Wife Watches, 96% of chicks would prefer to get boned by a dude who can fix stuff. The other 4% are Jewish women and have come to realize that "shit just ain't gonna happen."

- So far in the 4th quarters this season, Ricky Rubio has played 48 mins, shot 7-10 FG, 5-7 3s, for 21 pts, 14 assts, 9 rebs, at a +27 clip!!! And yet, ABC still decided to choose Flaj over Ricky Roobs. 

This isn't Bach material?!?!

I actually like Flaj -- he's got a decent sense of humes, likes to paint elephants on walls and after Ashley dumped him in the last ep, he was salty as a mugg and left Turks and Caicos with some genuine anger as opposed to allowing Ashley to walk him to a car or a boat or some sort of flying machine to take him off the island. 

Unfortunately, he also has a dipsy-do hairstyle, seems a bit soft and has the strangest mother-sister combo since the late, great, Herman Judd. (I can't imagine anyone got that joke. I was trying to make up a guy (Herman Judd) who was the brother/son of Naomi and Wynona Judd. If anyone got that joke, I'm very proud of you.)

But who really cares about Flaj?!?! The Bachelor is all about the 25 virtually hairless women who will join him at his Hollywood mansion. Let's meet some of the lovely ladies, and if you'd like to keep track of who's who and take notes tonight, here's a cheat sheet courtesy of the good people at ABC.com.  







Anna

Age: 25
Occupation: Student
Hometown: Ontario, Canada
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet and I loved every second of it. I went skydiving. 
Good thing you told us you went skydiving, Anna, 'cause I wan't sure what you meant when you said you jumped out of a plane at 15,000 feet. Thanks for clarifying. For a second I thought maybe you were jumping from one plane to another, because your plane had snakes on it. Did you also wear a parachute? Or did you go bare-back? Luckily you still get a rose because you're attractive. And that's all that matters. 






Blakeley

Age: 34
Occupation: VIP Cocktail Waitress
Hometown: Rutherfordton, NC

A VIP Cocktail Waitress? Do you not wait on regular customers, Blakeley? "Hi there guys, my name's Blakeley, I'm gonna be taking care of you tonight. Care to start with a bevera ... wait, are you guys VIPs? 'Cause, yeah, ehh, I don't really know if I can take your order ... Frank! ... Frank!?! Are these guys VIPs? ... Yeah, no, one of em's wearing a fleece vest! Can't be, right? ... Okay, yeah, okay. All right guys, you're gonna have to move over to this section and Cheryl's gonna wait on you. I just happen to be a VIP Cocktail Waitress -- not that big of a deal. I just only wait on VIPs and you guys, well, clearly, I'm sorry about the cofusej."







Brittney

Age: 26
Occupation: Medical Sales Rep
Hometown: Colorado Springs, CO

What is your favorite memory from your childhood? Laying in bed with my Grandma as she told me stories of how her and my Grandfather met
THAT'S your favorite childhood memory? Laying in bed with your old-ass Grandma? My favorite childhood memories are, in no particular order:

1. Feeling Stacey Porter's titties in 10th grade.
2. Setting fire to stuff.
3. Figuring out how to connect the VCR to my Sega Genesis so I could record ridiculous spin-o-rama goals on NHL 93.
4. Jerking off ALL THE TIME.


Casey S.

Age: 26
Occupation: Trading Clerk
Hometown: Leawood, KS

What is your favorite all-time book and why? "Catcher in the Rye" - I feel in love with Holden Caulfield - so real. 
Oh, Casey S. I was so close to liking you. You actually read a book (which is really refreshing!), but you "feel" in love with Holden Caulfield? Also, your last initial leads us to believe that there's another Casey lurking out there somewhere. And is that really necessary Chris Harrison? You must have THOUSANDS of ladies to choose from, and yet inevitably there's always MULTIPLE women with the same name that only confuses the viewers and makes us sound that much more retarded when we talk to people at the water cooler. 

"Yeah, I really like Chris."

"Yeah, me too. Wait, Chris L. or Kris G.?"

"Chris L. Wait, is he the one who loves his mom?"

"No that's Kris G." 

"Wait, oh then I like Kris G."

"Ew, Kris G. has a frog neck."

"Ew, he does not. Fuck you!"

"OH MY GOD, FUCK YOU!"

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE A FUCKING SLUT!"







Courtney

Age: 28
Occupation: Model
Hometown: Scottsdale, AZ

Do you consider yourself romantic and why? I'm a hopeless romantic. Love is my religion. I'm in love with love. All I want is to find the right guy & love him forever.
A model from Arizona. A genuine beauty. And no doubt she'll be in the top 3, but "Love is my religion???? I'm in love with love." THAT DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MAKING ANY SENSE. And why would those words ever come out of a human's mouth?!?! I PREDICT A LOT OF WEEPING OUT OF THIS ONE. 


Dianna

Age: 30
Occupation: Nonprofit Director
Hometown: San Gabriel, CA

Do you consider yourself a good cook?
No, I have started five kitchen fires on accident. I am the worst cook ever! 
Dirty Dianna. Love her already, setting fires in the kitchen ("on accident"). Good thing you cleared that up, Dirty D. What's worse? Being a terrible cook and setting fires in the kitchen by accident, or being AN AMAZING COOK but feeling the urge to blatantly burn down every kitchen you cook in? I'm going with the former! Top 3 material!

By the way, the top 3 is going to come down to TWO VERY ATTRACTIVE women and one wildcard who's got a good personality, but has a gigantic chin or something. MARK IT DOWN, DUDE. 







Elyse

Age: 24
Occupation: Personal Trainer
Hometown: Chicago, IL

What's your worst date memory? I make everything fun. :) 
All right, I'm going to try and decipher what the hell Elyse Navidad is talking about here. "I make everything fun (smiley face)." Did she not understand the question? Is she trying to imply that she's never had a bad date? That any time someone goes out with her she has a good time? Or is she saying that she's a slut? That's what I took from the smiley face. Or would a winking face imply that she's a slut? Either way, there's no chance that a personal trainer wins this thing. She's gonna be the one in the house who NEEDS TO GET OUT FOR HER 5AM RUN and Chris Harrison is not gonna allow that. I see an early mental breakdown out of this one. She's out of her routine, out of her element, definite future on Bachelor Pad. 

Emily













Age: 27

Occupation: PhD Student

Hometown: Chapel Hill, NC
What is your most embarrassing moment?
I was matched to my brother on an online dating website. Mortifying.
What is your favorite all-time book and why?
"East of Eden." It's such a perfect story of good and evil and an amazing examination of human psychology.
Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? 
Yes. I like to 'drop it like it's hot.' I try to replicate some zumba routines on the dance floor and usually end up getting made fun of. 


Ladies and gentlemen, your most well-rounded contestant. 

1. Used the word "mortifying" correctly and in an interesting way!
2. Read a book and not a dumb book!
3. Not only likes to go dancing, but "LIKES TO 'DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT.'"

Throw in some extra points because my wife lurves Zumba and the fact that she spells her name correctly and THIS COULD BE MY FAVORITE. No doubt Flaj will screw this one up. 







Erika

Age: 23
Occupation: Law Student
Hometown: Charlottesville, VA
What is your ideal mates personality like?
Down to earth with a similar sense of humor, most and foremost. Then well-rounded and caring. 
Tattoo Count: 
2 -- Wrist, lip

"Similar sense of humor, most AND foremost." Both of 'em! I think you meant "first and foremost" there, Erika (acceptable spelling). And it just occurred to me that maybe I'm being a jerkoff by knit-picking their responses. But these are WRITTEN! Which meant they had an opportunity to proofread them. And I know this because of that slut's smiley face before. 

Also, what the freak is a lip tattoo?!?! I don't see a lip tattoo up there! I don't even know what a lip tattoo is!!







Holly

Age: 34
Occupation: Pharmaceutical Sales Rep
Hometown: Salyersville, KY

Who do you admire most in the world and why? My cousin Melanie - she lost her precious baby boy Andrew to cancer at age two. He was our little angel and I am amazed at how strong she is. She has been a wonderful mother to her now 13 year old daughter. She is the strongest person I know. 

That is a perfectly suitable answer for such a dumb question and yet it still makes me hate her guts. She has no chance ... 34 years old ... Pharmaceutical Sales Reps don't ever shut up ... and I didn't wanna say it but someone had to, her left eye is at least seven times larger than her right one. 

I KNOW I KNOW THAT'S NOT HER FAULT AND SHE'S PROBABLY A WONDERFUL SALESWOMAN AND A CARING COUSIN BUT SHE'S ALSO FROM SALYERSVILLE, KENTUCKY WHICH CAN'T BE A GOOD THING IT JUST CAN'T.







Jenna

Age: 27
Occupation: Blogger
Hometown: Loveland, OH

BLOGGER?!?! 

Love her! 

(Kinda looks like she's 43 years old / could use a little more estrogen.)







Jennifer

Age: 28
Occupation: Accountant
Hometown: Cache, OK

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My grandparents...to know what they had to live through and experienced might change my views of things today and reiterate how thankful I should be. 

OH MY GOD SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP. ONE DAY, LADY. ONE DAY. WHO WOULD YOU BE FOR ONE DAY? YOUR GRANDPARENTS?!?! KICK HER OFF IMMEDIATELY BEN. IF I COULD BE SOMEONE FOR ONE DAY I'D BE DARTH MUTHAFUCKIN' VADER AND I'D CHOKE PEOPLE OUT AND WEAR LEATHER AND FLY A SPACE-CRUISER AROUND AND THEN MEET UP WITH MY FRIENDS FOR COLD ONES.







Kacie

Age: 24
Occupation: Administrative Assistant
Hometown: Clarksville, TN

What is your ideal mates personality like?
Outgoing, fun-loving, athletic, driven, goal oriented, sensitive but strong, not afraid to try new things, Christian, family oriented, love children

Tattoo Count: 3. Foot, side and another location. 

Well, here's your other Casey, although this is a Kacie, who apparently is looking for a Christian man. And if a woman says they have a tattoo on their foot, side and "another location" that means their twat, right? Where else could a Christian who's not comfortable sharing where her tattoos are have a tattoo? On her tit? It's either tit or twat. I hate this woman. 







Lindzi C

Age: 27
Occupation: Business Development Manager
Hometown: Ocala, FL

If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring and why?
Sombrero - I'm allergic to the sun so it would be good for shade. Pool Float Toys - I love to float in the ocean. My iPhone for its camera app - I love photography.


So why not bring an UNBELIEVABLE camera, Lindzi, C.?!?! Also, LINDZI?!?! That's no way to spell a name! C'mon!!! Regardless, she's cute, I love her. I can't imagine how the other Lindsey spells her name. 







Lyndsie J 

Age: 29
Occupation: Internet Entrepreneur
Hometown: London, England

What are your 3 best attributes?
Outgoing, Funny, REAL

Do you like being the center of attention? Center of attention! I'm the most outgoing, open-minded person you will ever meet. I love to have fun and live life to the fullest! I love to entertain & make people smile, laugh and have a good time. So being the center of attention allows me to do this.

This woman has the potential to go either way. She could be wonderful (British, open-minded, REAL (in all caps)), or she could be a total nightmare (Center of attention!). I kinda like her fucked-up nose. 







Nicki

Age: 26
Occupation: Dental Hygienist
Hometown: Hurst, TX 

If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about doing it? Make him notice me (walk by, talk to his friend, etc.) then make flirtatious eye contact with him until he approaches me. 

Are you telling me this chick doesn't love giving dudes boners?!?! She's probably given so many dudes boners in her day. 

IF ANY OF MY READERS ARE FROM HURST, TEXAS (YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT SWEET & SOUR SHOWERS) AND HAVE HAD THEIR TEETH CLEANED BY NICKI CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME IF SHE'S THE TYPE OF CHICK WHO LOVES GIVING DUDES BONERS? THANK YOU AND HAVE A PEACEFUL AND PRODUCTIVE WEEK. 







Shawn

Age: 28
Occupation: Financial Advisor
Hometown: Cincinnati, OH

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? I would be someone in a third world country so I could live, feel, hear and know for my own experience just how blessed I am.

OH YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR SHAWN STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND JUST SAY YOU'D WANT TO BE SOMEONE LIKE NICKI SO YOU COULD GIVE DUDES BONERS. 






Sheryl

Age: Age is just a number
Occupation: Grabbing life when and wherever I can

If you really wanted to impress a man what would you do and why? I'd do almost anything. 

All right, let's dissect this move by Chris Harrison and the producers of the Bach. It's nice that they finally have a sense of humor about the show and can add an old, weathered lady to the fray, but wouldn't it have made sense to add a legitimate smoking hot cougar into the mix? Seriously give Flaj something to think about / at least see if he'd keep a hot older lady around to show him the ropes sexually / tie him up and drizzle him with extra virgin olive oil? 

Clearly, Sheryl is going home on the first night, but her answer to that "how to impress a man" question was REALLY something.  

Probably has so many twat-tatts. 

The Bach starts tonight on ABC at 8pm. 


GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO UPDATE: So I didn't finish the book by December 25th, but my wife EXTENDED MY DEADLINE (which was very nice of her) and I ended up finishing the book a few days ago. I read the last 250 pages in one day which made me feel proud of myself even though that's not that big of a deal. Overall, I liked-ed it, there were a couple scenes that were totally bonkers and I kind of want my wife to get a dragon tattoo to go with my Tazmanian Devil playing lacrosse tattoo that I have on my right calf. 

Look for a review of the movie on this here blog-blog in the next 5 - 37 business days. Or just check out these unbelievable places that are nothing like Salyersville, KY.

11 comments:

  1. So glad The Bach is back--it really is your best work.

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  2. This season will definitely give you a lot of material because it sucks!! Lesbians, grandmas, horses?!?!

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  3. Hurst, Texas person here and personally I have never seen that girl Nikki. In her promo, ABC did NOT show Hurst, Texas but filmed Downtown Fort Worth and Keller, Texas.
    Love love love your blog..you are hilarious in a laugh out loud kinda way

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  4. My entire life I've gotten along very well with lesbians, grandmas and horses.

    ANONYMOUS, THANKS FOR THE INSIDER SCOOP FROM HURST, TEXAS. YOU ARE OFFICIALLY TVMWW'S NEW HURST TEXAS CORRESPONDENT, REPLACING BRUCE HURST!

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  5. Why thank you Evan...I feel so honored!!! I will try to do the best I can with this awesome responsibility.

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  6. Can't wait to read what the post show blog will have to say.

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  7. Finally something to write about that doesn't suck. Oh wait.

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  8. Lindziee C. is SO tan, there's NO WAY she's allergic to the sun. What a lying piece of shit.

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  9. I THINK YOU'RE TRYING TO WIN TVMWW'S "COMMENTER OF THE YEAR AWARD" FOR 2012!!!

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  10. I couldn't agree with your assessment of Emily more. Well spotted and well said early on!!

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