Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Bachelor Premiere: It Hurts So Good (not that good)

"So I says to the guy, I says to him ..."

Not sure if you're aware of this, but you're currently reading a blorg that was ranked in the TOP 50 BEST BACHELOR BLORGS by ChristianCounselingDegree.org.

This is obviously a great honor -- ChristianCounselingDegree.org is the preeminent critic of Bachelor blogs -- so thank you to the good Christian people and their degree counseling (dot org). Of course, it must also be mentioned that there are many many many more than 50 Bachelor blorgs out there IN THE ENTIRE WORLD (there are fifty-seven), so to make the top 50, well, what can I say? What a blessing. Thank you Jeebus.

Now you'd think that after watching the Bachelor/ette for six seasons running (and making a little something called THE TOP 50 BEST BACHELOR BLOGS IN THE WORLD LIST) that it would get easier to watch the show, but it hasn't. No matter how experienced a viewer I am (this is my 7th season) and however my blog happens to be rated (just top 50, that's all), it's still so difficult to watch women rap on national television. Last night was no exception, and Emily's rap (that for all intents and purposes WAS NOT THE WORST RAP IN THE WORLD -- you gotta admit she used some semi-decent vocabulary) was still sooooo much more painful than sitting through a seminar given by the (VERY) good people from the Christian Counselingdegree.org.

ChristianCounselingDegree.org's #1 ranked quaterback. Also, this pass intended for Eddie Royal ended up hitting an assistant coach right in his fucking throat. 

Another one of my favorite momes from last night was when Erika (the law student) introduced herself to Ben and said, AND I QUOTE:

"You're guilty ... of being sexy!"

THOSE WERE REAL WORDS THAT CAME OUT OF A REAL PERSON'S MOUTH AND THAT PERSON HAD MONTHS -- LITERALLY MONTHS-- TO THINK ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

Here are the notes written down by my friends and I next to Erika's name on our Bachelor cheat sheets:

Bridget: "Yuck."
Nick: "Dud."
Leigh:  "Cheesy."
Pat: "Not impressed."
My Wife: (nothing)
Me: "I hate this woman!"

But that's what so great (great's not the right word there, is it? ... captivating? addicting? horrible?) about the Bach; it's a three-month war that you have to grind out, fight through and eventually reap the reward of feeling better about yourself because you're not as crazy as these other people. I equate watching the Bach to eating nuclear-flavored wings -- pain is the attraction -- or to watching a really bad television show because your wife runs your life.

Seconds after a Tebow pass almost hit Ben in his fucking throat.

We learned some new things about Ben last night during the montage; such as the fact that he plays the piano (I see you Ben!), the J in his last name is silent (so disappointing) and he has very very small nipples (go back and watch the kayaking scene, those jawns were like teeny little dime-nips!).

I'm guessing that even though she's a horrible person, Courtney (the model) has perfectly shaped and hairless nips. She made a statement early on that Ben should end up with her because "I'm worth it." Some people might like her confidence ... others (aka everybody) may have hated her ... I instantly thought of a pair of tightie-whities I once owned that said, "I'm Worth It" on the butt and had a faux $100 bill sewed into the dick-pouch. They were actually my father's underpants and I used to borrow them from time to time and I never really thought that was weird until I just typed that last sentence. WHY THE HELL DID I BORROW MY FATHER'S UNDERPANTS?!?! I mean, clearly they were amazing, BUT THAT'S NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON. Well, maybe now when you look at Courtney and her beautiful face you'll think of my father's balls (and mine, AND MINE) dangling in our tightie-whizzles.

Kinda sad when girls don't get picked, like the lovely lady from Nebraska who shot guns (AND BOWS AND ARROWS I MEAN WHO SHOOTS BOWS AND ARROWS THESE DAYS LEGOLAS) and provided a nice moment when she ate cow balls. A lot of ball-action in this post so far by the way ... I guess that's what Christian Counselmen (or women!) like. But did you notice that while her family dined on the cow balls that they also served Club crackers with them? HOW GOOD ARE CLUB CRACKERS?!?! What are we doing with our lives that we're so Goddamn busy that we're not eating Club crackers EVERY GODDAMN DAY?!?!

Look at all the little crumbs he spilled! What an asshole!

And poor Jenna. Poor, poor Jenna. I know I yoke around a lot on this blog (that just so happens to be one of the 50 greatest Bachelor blogs in the bidness), but that lady has very very serious mental problems. Like, she needs to be institutionalized. The face twitching? The sobbing? She probably sucks at kickball.

Chris Harrison has no sympathy for that type of behavior these days. A young Harrison would've pulled her aside and given her a blanket, but the veteran Harrison has totally checked out. Did you notice him not listening to a word Flaj was saying when they were having their fireside chat?

Flaj:  You know, this year I'm just utterly available. I'm hoping to find love feelings, to make my father proud and to maybe come out of here with a great woman on my arm.

Harrison:  Yeah, definitely. So your Dad died or something?

Flaj:  Funny story for you Chris, actually ...

Harrison:  Yeah, that's funny.

Flaj:  This morning in the garden, I saw a hummingbird, and my dead father loved hummingbirds.

Harrison:  Sorry, are there A LOT of candles in here? Turn around for a sec. You ever seen a candle that big?

Flaj:  My mother actually lit a candle when my father ...

Harrison: That thing is HUGE! Must burn for like eight days! That's like a friggin' Hannukah candle! Like a real one!

This guy was honest, but I don't think his name is in the record books next to Wilt the Stilt's 30,000.

The chicks seemed to really admire Ben's honesty though. One lady mentioned that she loved that he was "honest, genuine and sincere," which if I'm not mistaken are all synonyms. I don't really get it! I mean, what's so great about honesty? I don't care if my wife's honest. That's like 37th on my list. When I was looking for a woman to settle down with, I wanted someone who was open-minded, who didn't take isht too seriously, and who had breasts the size of Rhode Island. And I got two out of three!

If Flaj also wants honesty, he should look no further than the lady who said she was gonna cut Jenna's face off, because I honestly feel like she'd do that!

WHAT A MANIAC!

Jenna may have been right to hide in the bathroom and weep like a crazy person. I'd probably do the same thing if someone told me they were gonna cut my face off. Either that or befriend the lady who brought her crossbow.

But you know what? Jenna didn't hide all night! (just most of the night). And when it was time to head to that rose ceremony, she could've just bolted out the door (or drowned herself in the pool). BUT SHE DIDN'T. She soldiered on, got up there, and got a rose! Because she's a warrior! The saddest, strangest, most chemically imbalanced warrior (WHO HAS SERIOUS SERIOUS MENTAL ISSUES) the world has ever seen.

But Jenna is a role model to every woman (and manimal) out there!

After last night's premiere, after all the dust had settled and all the tears were wiped away, my friend Chicken wrote on Facebork:

"The Bachelor makes me ashamed to be an American, a woman and alive. But I will NOT stop watching ... I will NOT."

Amen sister.

Amazing that it took this long in the post to put up a picture of this lady. 




Did you knowwwwwwwwwwww that TVMWW is on Faceborg and Twittler? Of course you did, I mention it all the time. But if you dih'ihn't, go ahead and follow me. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this almost-interesting article (not really an article, more like just a picture) about the world's most viewed photograph.

4 comments:

  1. Fillet is the worst.

    Do you feel any comraderie with Jenna? I mean, she IS a "new york blogger," after all. http://theoveranalyst.net/

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  2. I feel camaraderie with all of these women (and horses).

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  3. II wasn't even sure I wanted to watch this season of The Bachelor. In fact, I was quite sure I did NOT.

    But then I remembered your blog and checked it out tonight. After laughing and laughing, I found myself compelled to search for Ep 1 ON Demand. So now I want to watch the season - just so I can "be in on" all the details you so cleverly (and accurately) write about. Soooo good...

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    Replies
    1. Thanks oliphant.b, I appreciate the kind words even though you have the scariest login name I've ever seen!

      I still think this might be spam, and you're gonna charge my credit card for a whole case of oliphant.b, some new ointment for cold sores. How could it possibly be better than Abreva though, that stuff is gold!

      Delete