Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Bachelor: Jennifer the Redhead Gets Booted In the Most Shocking Development of the Seez and Yet She Still Doesn't Get One Stinking Mention in this Post

Somehow the fact that these women are are emotionally defeated makes this picture that much hotter. 

And nowwwwwwww, it's time for everyone's (no-one's) favorite game ...

"DID YOU NOTICE?!"

yayyyyyyy!

yayyyyyyy!

neighhhhh!

I'm a horse!

DID YOU NOTICE the Bachelor cameraman just chillin' in the water while Ben and Elyse jumped off that yacht? There he was, floating in his wetsuit with a giant camera attached to his shoulder, waiting to film their little legs flailing under the sea. I imagine this guy is a master of filming underwater shots, a SCUBA guru called on by ABC to capture any and every aquatic scene. When Ben and Jennifer went spelunking in that cave last week, he was there. When Captain Sully Sullenberger landed that jet in the Hudson, he was there. When Ben and Courtney went skinny dipping in the middle of the night, WHERE THE HELL WAS HE?!?!

He was probably sleeping, exhausted after a long day of SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN WHILE CARRYING A GIANT CAMERA, but he still missed a golden opportunity to film Ben's offshore drilling.

The cameraman who did film the scene was not able to get the close-up underwater access necessary to determine whether or not Ben actually porked her. Personally, I think he definitely porked her (how could he not pork her?!?!), but until Courtney sells her story to US Weekly, we won't know for sure if in fact he porked her (he porked her).

DID YOU NOTICE Ben totally covering up his dork when he took off his pants? Doesn't that lead you to believe that he has a small dork? My buddy Law said maybe he was just trying to stretch it out (definitely possible, absolutely definitely possible), but I'm just saying if he had a normal sized dork he wouldn't have had to cover up or stretch out anything.

How is this happening?!?!

DID YOU NOTICE how Emily is the ONLY person on this show that has moles?!?! I can't believe Ben didn't send her home. And how the hell does ABC keep finding so many mole-less people? And is she the biggest idiot of all time?

Moments after apologizing for being an idiot, she started acting like an idiot again. And why is it so hard for her to figure out why Ben is willing to hang out with Courtney? "Ohhhhh, she's such a vapid, mean person. You don't see her act the way we doooooooo ..."

SHE FUCKS DUDES IN THE OCEAN!

Maybe if Elyse had decided to bone Ben instead of just swimming around like a little prude, Ben woulda kept her too. 

DID YOU NOTICE Ben picking up that rose and waving it right in Elyse's face before he dumped her? Was that the biggest dick move in Bach history? 

Or was it more of a dick move to lie to her and tell her, "you're an incredible incredible woman," when he clearly meant to say, "you're an incredibly fit woman."

DID YOU NOTICE how much handholding is going on all over the place? It's disgusting! I'm honestly more bothered by all the handholding than by the fact that Ben is a fucking dick! 

DID YOU NOTICE Chris Harrison wearing a ring on his index finger?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TRYING TO PROVE?!

DID YOU NOTICE how close all the girls were sitting together at the hotel room? There were around five barefoot women (that's ten feet!) all scrunched up on one chair. So much skin. So erotic. Was that the sick perverted producer's idea? Or are Puerto Rican hotel rooms just very poorly furnished? 

DID YOU NOTICE how small that elephant is in that new movie starring The Rock?!?! It's so small!

I still think that picture of the tigers swimming is more mind blowing than this fucking elephant!

I'd like to take this time mention that my wife and I took TVMWW on the road last night and watched at our friends Em & Gil's house with our other friends, Law & Chicken. Em & Gil have two small children so we watched the entire episode on very low volume while they slept upstairs. I honestly didn't hear a goddamn spoken word all night. That probably explains why this entire post is written with this whole "DID YOU NOTICE" theme, because I was forced to only use my sense of sight. Not to mention the fact that Chicken spent the whole episode slinging zingers (probably in hopes of being quoted in this here blog and to be fair, she's probably responsible for 75% of the material). It should also be stated for the record that Emily spent the entire evening wearing a pair of Gil's Gold Toe dress socks, by far the shaftiest brand of dress socks known to man.

DID YOU NOTICE how these people are always unnecessarily running everywhere?!?! They're like my buddy's 3-year-old son, Bassy (and yeah, that's his actual name). When the girls hopped off the bus at Roberto Clemente stadium, they broke right into a trot. Hey look! There's a helicopter! Let's run! THIS IS NO WAY TO ACT! STOP RUNNING ALL THE TIME! RUNNING IS FOR PRUDES!

DID YOU NOTICE how big Rachel's boobs were?!?! Every week this lady surprises me with her big boobs. A few weeks ago, I was like, "Whoa, that lady's got bigger boobs than I thought." Then, last week I thought, "Wow, I know I was surprised last week by how big her boobs were, but I'm still surprised by her boobs," and then this week I was like, "I'M TOTALLY AWARE OF HER BOOBS BUT THEY'RE STILL SURPRISING ME ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LIKE BOOBS THIS MUCH I'M 34 YEARS OLD I ALSO LIKE BUTTS FOR THE RECORD."

I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!



In order to keep readers in the habit of commenting, this week I'll be giving away a FREE PIZZA to a random commenter. Seriously, next Monday at noon, I'll have a drawing and order a pizza to be delivered to your home or workplace. A lot (maybe 6) people have told me they had trouble entering comments here at blobspops.com, so if you're still failing to see your post, simply comment on my Facebork page or email me at tvmywifewatches@gmail.com. Or just watch the new Ferris Bueller commercial.  

33 comments:

  1. I would prefer a free comment to a random pizza.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I believe this is an olde fashioned guilt trip being laid on me by Philly Phoodie for not ever commenting on his blog.

      Instead, how bout a shout-out? Check out PP's blog, http://sweetandsourshowers.com

      Delete
  2. Not gonna put any thought into a comment because a) i too, suffer from back pain b) i never and mynkids never get a tvmww shout out even though 1 is your Goddaughter and c) i know u dont put my name in the bowl for the winnings. I just know. Nevertheless, your pretty funny most of the time.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. LOOK, I ADMIT THAT I AM NOT AN HONEST PERSON (IT'S SUCH AN OVERRATED QUALITY!), BUT THAT FISHBOWL LOTTERY WAS LEGIT!

      Good luck winning the pizza.

      Your daughter is very cute, but needs to simm with the whole Squirmy McGee thing.

      Delete
  3. Oh good, too tired to spellcheck.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can't believe he kept Casey S. around. She brings nothing to the table. Nada. Zilch. I often forget she is even on the show.

    And how about that comment from Courtney this week re: Blakely that she "didn't know strippers could play baseball." Nice.

    I am going to go ahead and call it - I think Ben is going to propose to Kacie b. Or Kasie B. Or however you spell her name. And I actually kinda like them for each other.

    PS - I could really go for free pizza.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perfectly fine with Courtney's quote ... Blakely is without a doubt a stripper.

      I'm more surprised that Courtney was surprised that strippers are good at baseball. Strippers are pretty damn good athletes. I once saw this stripper do a flying pole dismount that was right up there with anything Nadia Comaneci coulda done.

      I think Ben is gonna pick Kasey the deaf guy who dated Vienna.

      Delete
  5. How could someone not notice the ring on Chris Harrison's index finger?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "BreezyB," huh?

      Guessing your real name is Brad? Brad Winestock or something? Or maybe Brian. Brian Fierstein.

      Welcome to the party Mr. Fierstein! As of now, you've got a 1 in 5 chance of winning a pizza.

      "Delivery for Brezzy B ... Delivery for Brezzy B!"

      "uhhh, that's Breezy B ... Breezy."

      "Breezy?"

      "Yeah, like Drew Brees."

      "Here ya go Brian."

      Delete
    2. Actually it's Brianne Fierstein. But i go by Breezy. You were pretty close though.

      Delete
  6. I watched an old episode of The Big Bang Theory last night and Sheldon was wearing a color bars T-shirt. You missed the boat, my friend. You missed the boat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NO ONE EXCEPT YOU REMEMBERS MR. COLOR BARS. YOU NEED TO LET HIM GO. THAT BEING SAID, I TOO LOVED MR. COLOR BARS, BUT THE THREE READERS I HAVE IN TEXAS HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS SHELDON

      Delete
    2. I'M SORRY. I want a pizza and the closest thing to watching the bachelor that I've ever done is watch The Soup make fun of it. And Sheldon has won 2 emmys. How many has Flaj won?

      Delete
    3. Emmys are for prudes!

      My Uncle Sheldon (RIP) did rock a mean jumpsuit (AND GOLD CHAINS, PLURAL) though!

      Delete
  7. DID YOU NOTICE.... that Ben is the worst freakin kisser? He makes prude pecking noises and I'm pretty sure refuses to use tongue. My husband (yes, he watches) and I have to turn the volume off during his make-out seshs. You'll thank me later when this is all you can pay attention to next week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I kinda feel like I've seen Flaj jam that tongue down chicks' throats this year. No? Not like Whatsherface the dentist from last year ... WHAT A PRUDE ... nothin' but pecks.

      Also, a girl I work with just walked by me and looked at my falafal sandwich and said, "mmmmm, what's that? Falaf?"

      Delete
    2. are you kidding? his tongue is EVERYWHERE! i haven't seen him kiss once without slipping his turtle tongue out.

      Delete
    3. good for him man, GOOD FOR HIM!

      SLURPIN' & BURPIN!

      Delete
  8. how bout dumbass courtney saying over and over ( re: skinny dipping) that "you're only in puerto rico once." when last week she said that she was there two weeks ago and probably with some other dude to boot!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BPDIZZLE WANTS THAT PIZZA! I CAN TELL!

      and that's a great point about Coutney being in PR a few weeks ago and I guarantee there's footage of that somewhere on the internebs.

      BPDizz, I will order you TWO pizzas if you're able to dig up said footage of Courtney doing her pro-boner work!

      Delete
  9. Can someone please tell me who the hell the girl is in the pink dress at the last rose ceremony? Or was it purple? There was purple eyeshadow involved. I've never heard her speak.

    ReplyDelete
  10. DID YOU NOTICE....Flaj's CROPPED PANTS TUXEDO? oh dear god.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. roll 'em up ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DiEr2xYfDk

      Delete
    2. No...I don't think they were rolled up. They were actual cropped tuxedo pants.

      Probably these: http://www.bergdorfgoodman.com/p/Maison-Martin-Margiela-Cotton-Field-Jacket-Sateen-Shirt-Slim-Tuxedo-Pants-Clothing/prod75640051/?ecid=BGCIFroogleFeed&003=5842946&010=N1KQB&ci_src=14110944&ci_sku=prod74500121skuBLUE

      Oh, and Evan, a Stone Hearth Pizza just opened up down the street...or Upper Crust, please!

      Delete
    3. it's not up to me! ... just gonna put names in a hat and see who Tim Tebow wants to have pizza!

      Delete
  11. Did you notice that they had to blur Courtney's side boob in the pre-skinny dipping scene? I also want to point out that I'm commenting out of genuine interest in the Bach and TVMWW. You can actually take me out of the running for free pizza b/c I'd rather not explain to my coworkers that I won pizza from a blog.

    ReplyDelete
  12. and her ass crack BEFORE she took off her thong-tha-thong-thong-thong.

    I really hope you win the pizza!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Where'd the falaf come from??? Who watches Big Bang Theory? Easily one of the worst things ever put on TV. I would rather watch that one show where the people date in fantasy worlds to find true love except it never happens and the shit is all fake and stupid. Oh wait, no I wouldn't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Big Bang Theory is awesome. It's full of references to science and comic books that I don't understand and Penny is HOT

      Delete
  14. Call me greedy, but that pizza sounds pretty good to me. Everyone who ever took multiple advanced statistics courses knows that, statistically, my chances of winning are much worse now because I won last time. It's just simple statistical economics. But I'm throwing my "hat" into the "ring" "anyway."

    You made a lot of the observations I made, and more. I also noticed that, though I DESPISE Courtney, she is probably the main reason I am looking forward to watching next week. Also can't wait to see Emily do the same thing she has now done two weeks in a row! "I think I made a huge mistake...FOR THE THIRD TIME."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. @FredFrinks and I took Statistics together in college and our TA's name was Gretchen, which is also the name of Frinks' sister.

      I think I got a C.

      Frinks mighta failed.

      I fucking love pizza.

      Delete
  15. I don't watch The Bachelor, but you make me feel like I do. I have recently been watching "great" TV shows on DVD (The Wire; Lost; Mad Men). That's all.

    P.S. I like pizza

    -Rod Roddy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is Lost really in there as a "great" show? Granted, I've only seen one episode (the last one, and I turned it off with 10 mins left), but it seems sooooooooooo dumb.

      The Wire? Sure. Mab Membs? fine. The UK Office, Cheers, Cosby Show, Wheel of Forch, definitely ... but Lost? ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

      Delete