Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Bachelor: I Like Ben, Butttttttttt ...

Dude, that's a nice fucking horse. 

I can't get over how small Ben's nipples are.

I like the guy, don't get me wrong. He's got a decent sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously, but those nipples -- like two cherry Life Savers -- I just can't get them out of my head.

I sort of want to paint Ben's nips silver, sketch out F.D.R.'s profile on 'em and then chop 'em off and attempt to make a call from a local payphone. I know, I know, I'd still need five cents, but ...

The ladies are absolutely loving Ben's nips. A few of them are already quite smitten and could see Ben's nips as the nips that they could end up marrying. But there's more to a man than his nips. And if the girls could just step back and take off their nip-colored glasses, they may find a few red flags with our mini-nippled Bachelor.

For one, Ben admitted last night that his favorite condiment is mustard. NOW THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS. Mustard?!?! I like mustard, and it has it's place in the world, but to say that it's your FAVORITE condiment? OUTRAGEOUS! Just off the top of my head, these condiments are all way better than mustard: mayonnaise, ketchup, barbecue sauce, bleu cheese, DEFINITELY bleu cheese, sriracha, TARTAR SAUCE, sweet-and-sour sauce, aoioli (which has taken over the world of onion rings by the way), hot sauce, thousand island dressing and any sort of sweet corn relish. And I didn't even get into various Cheez Whiz products!

I'll take Elizabeth Banks over Colonel Mustard any day.

I'm also pretty sure that on his group date he called S'mores "Sch'mores." I don't have DVR, so I couldn't rewind it to find out for sure that he called S'mores "Sch'mores," but I know what I heard and I heard "Sch'mores."

Sch'moreso, Ben is planning dates that are WAYYYYYYYYY too long. The editors made it look like Rachel and Ben had nothing to talk about on their date, but they were out for over twelve hours! No first date should ever last more than three. Pick her up, chat about some stuff, go do something, accidentally spill a drink on your pants forcing your date to look at your package (it looks bigger when your pants are wet) and then run away leaving her with the image of your wet dork on her brain. It's basic dating 101. I'll tell ya what else is basic dating 101: don't EVER get THAT close to a beaver dam!!!! And if you do find yourself that close to a beaver dam, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ever point at a beaver dam and say "there's a beaver dam!" Beavers can get VERY angry VERY quickly (especially when they think that you're mocking their wet crotches).

Ben sure did look like a sucker giving Courtney that rose on the group date. How are Bachelors always falling for the girls that pout? And why did Courtney quote Charlie Sheen ... "Winnnnning!" ... TWICE?!?! 

Ugh, it's pretty frustrating to watch Ben fall for Courtney's isht. There's really nothing cool about her (or her babytalking). When it became obvious to Courtney that the other chicks didn't like her, Courtney told them, "I get along better with guys," which essentially means, "I sucked all my guy friends' dicks."

No skinny tie!

But despite making these mistakes, Ben does have some go-to moves. His favorite seems to be the I'm-holding-two-wine-glasses-in-my-hand-at-once move, which I know is driving women all across the country CRAZY. Chicks actually fall for that sort of stuff! "Wow, he can hold two glasses. Oh my gawd, his fingers must be so strong, FDR's my favorite president, fireside chats, so sensitive." There was a girl I went to college with, Tracy Somethingjewish, who told me that she LOVVVVVED when guys would palm the wheel while driving. "Palming the wheel" is when you make a turn but leave your hand open, using your palm to steer. It's a pretty standard move, I'm pretty sure my Uncle Ivan does it all the time, but Tracy swore it was like the hottest thing ever. Since then, on every date I've ever gone on I've made sure to palm the wheel.

"Evan, why are you turning left again? Didn't we just go left?"

"Yeah baby, two lefts makes a right."

"What? No. Two lefts makes a U-turn. We're going the wrong way."

"'Bout to make a left baby, hold on."

"All right, now we're going the right way again. Why's your left turn signal on again? I feel dizzy."

"Pass me my water bottle baby, I'm about to make my dick look HUGE."

Her neck is probably so warm. 

I dunno, Ben's all right I guess, but I just can't get into a dude whose hair whips in the breeze when he rides a horse (no matter how big or small his nips are). And I would never date a person who didn't put mayonnaise as their CLEAR CUT #1 condiment. But these girls are falling for Ben. Courtney likes Ben and Kacie B. likes Ben and Jennifer likes Ben and Nicki likes Ben and Emily likes Ben and the lady that got kicked off last night that never talked to Ben liked Ben and that's nice for Ben, it really is, but he needs to stop cuddling and holding hands and making girls in yellow bikinis wear harnesses and start taking advantage of the fact that these chicks like him.

I'm talking about sex.

Ben needs to have sex with these women.

Because before he knows it, he'll be married and celibate and sitting around one night and his wife'll say, "You know, your nipples are fucking small as shit dude, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just pointing it out 'cause I've always thought it and thought you should know. So don't go getting all gay on me and getting sad, all right? I'm just saying your fucking nipples are small. They're really small. Trash day's tomorrow by the way."

MortonMonsky.com!



I'm trying to get people to comment more. So this week, I'm gonna take all the commenters, put their names in a hat and pick one to receive a free MortonMonsky.com t-shirt. I'm thinking I'll give away the one above. So you should comment. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr don't and just check out this scuba dog.

25 comments:

  1. Well, since I am the only commenter, I would like to thank you for causing me to bust out laughing during a very serious lecture when I read the "palm the wheel" bit.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wet Hot American Summer is in my top 3 movies. Excellent choice. Also, gimmie that funny shirt. Nib High football rules!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pretty sure it's "Knibb." You're welcome! - Correcty McGee

      Delete
    2. I actually googled it and still got it wrong.

      Delete
  3. Love your blog - don't love Mayo, but I do love BBQ sauce! Also, you should know they're making a Wet Hot prequel: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/23/wet-hot-american-summer-prequel_n_883164.html
    Glad to know the baby voice is not attractive to all men. Thanks for a good laugh every week!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Regarding the prequel, part of me is scurred that they're messing with a good thing, but who cares right?!?!? How could it not be great?!?! You should listen to the podcast "Mike & Tom Eat Snacks." Michael Ian Black and Tom Cavanaugh eat snacks and talk about 'em. YOU'RE WELCOME AGAIN!

      http://matescast.tumblr.com/

      Delete
  4. I love comments! And Elizabeth Banks! And this blog. And um...Ben's wispy horseback-riding hair?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I ALSO LOVE COMMENTS! ... I'M TRYING TO GET COMMENTS TO BECOME A MAYYYYYYYY-JOR PART OF THE BLORG! ... MAYBE TWO PEOPLE COULD MEET ON HERE LIKE OKCUPID AND THEN FALL IN LOVE AND THEN GET MARRIED AND THEN START A DUELING BLOG AND THEN WE COULD BURN THAT BLOG TO THE GROUND!!!

      Delete
  5. Philly Phoodie- im feeding my 8 week old at 3am and actually woke her from laugh/coughing abt palming. Amazing. Ps im not crazy about that shirt. And small nips are better than lots of other small things on a dude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never said small nips were a bad thing. They may even be a good thing. But they're certainly a thing. I also know for a FACT that AF has pink nips because there was one time where I was walking by her with my shirt off and she said, "Ev! You have pink nips! I have pink nips! PINK NIPS IN THE HOUUUUUUSSSSSEEEEE!!!"

      Delete
    2. AF- I totally palmed a lefty last night on my way home. It was completely badass. Except I was by myself.

      Delete
  6. Holy fuck, dude. I find your blog so goddamned hilarious. I've been reading it for the Bach recaps since, oh I don't know, Brad Pickelseimer times? Was that his name? Too lazy to look it up. Anyway, I really appreciate your frequent but always apt use of all-caps (which a friend of mine once told me was a sure sign of a female blogger...but you showed him, right??), random photos (with absolutely inspired captions), and amazing tangents.

    Thanks for pointing out in last week's recap that these people don't act like humans with the whole "sure you can interrupt our one-on-one time" thing. Another friend and I were musing that perhaps, in fact, it IS a rule. She was on Blind Date once and apparently the producers are always trying to "get things moving" and make shit happen. Maybe there's a rule that you're not supposed to shut someone down if they try to steal you - too much alone time with one person makes for bad TV I guess?

    Love your blog. Thanks for following me on Twitter (@saracircle). I responded to your thing about carrot juice being so fucking carroty and that got me a follow and it made my day. Keep doing what you do.

    P.S. Sooooo disappointed Shawntel didn't stay on. What was Ben thinking? She had SUCH a high hotness:craziness ratio compared with the rest of the women this season. Fuck Courtney.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Clearly the t-shirt contest winner will not be chosen randomly and clearly I'm giving the shirt to @saracircle.

      And CLEARLY I should write a little something about that show Blind Date (that show was INSANE) and interview your friend.

      If you (or your friend) are ever in the Illadelph area, you are more than welcome to pop into TVMWW Headquarters and join us at our Mondee night Bachelor viewing parties.

      Philly Phoodie, you are NEVER welcome in my home, EVER.

      Delete
    2. WHAT IS THIS FAVORITISM. I'm never reading this blog again.

      Delete
    3. I'M YOKING!!!

      (i'm clearly giving the shirt to the reader who has the most twitter followers / money.)

      Delete
    4. Does anyone even read this blag in the first place? I tried once but it was so long I had to set up base camp and wait another couple of days to try and finish.

      Delete
  7. "I really appreciate your frequent but always apt use of all-caps (which a friend of mine once told me was a sure sign of a female blogger...but you showed him, right??"
    AHAHAHAHAHA

    ReplyDelete
  8. My favorite part of this was Tracy Somethingjewish. But more importantly, you don't have DVR?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THE WIFE CLAIMS WE ALREADY WATCH TOO MUCH TV AS IT IS ... IT'S RIDICULOUS, RIGHT?!?!

      (she also said that we could get it as long as I go pick up the cable box, I just haven't done it yet)

      Delete
  9. Tell your wife that a DVR lets you watch BETTER TV, not more TV. It's all about having control about what you can watch when you want to watch it. What woman does not want more control?!? I ask you this rhetorically, as a woman myself :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's unbelieveable how much control my wife wants. All I want are some new socks.

      Delete
  10. Mustard rules. Still have never seen an ep of The Bachelor. Pretty sure I'd look great in that t-shirt. Say hello to ya mutha for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HOW CAN SOMEONE GO THEIR WHOLE STUPID LIFE WITHOUT WATCHING THE BACH?!?! ... WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU LADY?!?! ... YOU NEED TO REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE!!!

      Delete
  11. There are many advantages for using party limos for going out for a bachelorette party as well as a bachelor party. The party limousine services companies keep their cars well maintained.http://www.virginiabeachescorts.net/

    ReplyDelete