Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Bachelor: Jennifer the Redhead Gets Booted In the Most Shocking Development of the Seez and Yet She Still Doesn't Get One Stinking Mention in this Post

Somehow the fact that these women are are emotionally defeated makes this picture that much hotter. 

And nowwwwwwww, it's time for everyone's (no-one's) favorite game ...





I'm a horse!

DID YOU NOTICE the Bachelor cameraman just chillin' in the water while Ben and Elyse jumped off that yacht? There he was, floating in his wetsuit with a giant camera attached to his shoulder, waiting to film their little legs flailing under the sea. I imagine this guy is a master of filming underwater shots, a SCUBA guru called on by ABC to capture any and every aquatic scene. When Ben and Jennifer went spelunking in that cave last week, he was there. When Captain Sully Sullenberger landed that jet in the Hudson, he was there. When Ben and Courtney went skinny dipping in the middle of the night, WHERE THE HELL WAS HE?!?!

He was probably sleeping, exhausted after a long day of SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN WHILE CARRYING A GIANT CAMERA, but he still missed a golden opportunity to film Ben's offshore drilling.

The cameraman who did film the scene was not able to get the close-up underwater access necessary to determine whether or not Ben actually porked her. Personally, I think he definitely porked her (how could he not pork her?!?!), but until Courtney sells her story to US Weekly, we won't know for sure if in fact he porked her (he porked her).

DID YOU NOTICE Ben totally covering up his dork when he took off his pants? Doesn't that lead you to believe that he has a small dork? My buddy Law said maybe he was just trying to stretch it out (definitely possible, absolutely definitely possible), but I'm just saying if he had a normal sized dork he wouldn't have had to cover up or stretch out anything.

How is this happening?!?!

DID YOU NOTICE how Emily is the ONLY person on this show that has moles?!?! I can't believe Ben didn't send her home. And how the hell does ABC keep finding so many mole-less people? And is she the biggest idiot of all time?

Moments after apologizing for being an idiot, she started acting like an idiot again. And why is it so hard for her to figure out why Ben is willing to hang out with Courtney? "Ohhhhh, she's such a vapid, mean person. You don't see her act the way we doooooooo ..."


Maybe if Elyse had decided to bone Ben instead of just swimming around like a little prude, Ben woulda kept her too. 

DID YOU NOTICE Ben picking up that rose and waving it right in Elyse's face before he dumped her? Was that the biggest dick move in Bach history? 

Or was it more of a dick move to lie to her and tell her, "you're an incredible incredible woman," when he clearly meant to say, "you're an incredibly fit woman."

DID YOU NOTICE how much handholding is going on all over the place? It's disgusting! I'm honestly more bothered by all the handholding than by the fact that Ben is a fucking dick! 

DID YOU NOTICE Chris Harrison wearing a ring on his index finger?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TRYING TO PROVE?!

DID YOU NOTICE how close all the girls were sitting together at the hotel room? There were around five barefoot women (that's ten feet!) all scrunched up on one chair. So much skin. So erotic. Was that the sick perverted producer's idea? Or are Puerto Rican hotel rooms just very poorly furnished? 

DID YOU NOTICE how small that elephant is in that new movie starring The Rock?!?! It's so small!

I still think that picture of the tigers swimming is more mind blowing than this fucking elephant!

I'd like to take this time mention that my wife and I took TVMWW on the road last night and watched at our friends Em & Gil's house with our other friends, Law & Chicken. Em & Gil have two small children so we watched the entire episode on very low volume while they slept upstairs. I honestly didn't hear a goddamn spoken word all night. That probably explains why this entire post is written with this whole "DID YOU NOTICE" theme, because I was forced to only use my sense of sight. Not to mention the fact that Chicken spent the whole episode slinging zingers (probably in hopes of being quoted in this here blog and to be fair, she's probably responsible for 75% of the material). It should also be stated for the record that Emily spent the entire evening wearing a pair of Gil's Gold Toe dress socks, by far the shaftiest brand of dress socks known to man.

DID YOU NOTICE how these people are always unnecessarily running everywhere?!?! They're like my buddy's 3-year-old son, Bassy (and yeah, that's his actual name). When the girls hopped off the bus at Roberto Clemente stadium, they broke right into a trot. Hey look! There's a helicopter! Let's run! THIS IS NO WAY TO ACT! STOP RUNNING ALL THE TIME! RUNNING IS FOR PRUDES!

DID YOU NOTICE how big Rachel's boobs were?!?! Every week this lady surprises me with her big boobs. A few weeks ago, I was like, "Whoa, that lady's got bigger boobs than I thought." Then, last week I thought, "Wow, I know I was surprised last week by how big her boobs were, but I'm still surprised by her boobs," and then this week I was like, "I'M TOTALLY AWARE OF HER BOOBS BUT THEY'RE STILL SURPRISING ME ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LIKE BOOBS THIS MUCH I'M 34 YEARS OLD I ALSO LIKE BUTTS FOR THE RECORD."


In order to keep readers in the habit of commenting, this week I'll be giving away a FREE PIZZA to a random commenter. Seriously, next Monday at noon, I'll have a drawing and order a pizza to be delivered to your home or workplace. A lot (maybe 6) people have told me they had trouble entering comments here at blobspops.com, so if you're still failing to see your post, simply comment on my Facebork page or email me at tvmywifewatches@gmail.com. Or just watch the new Ferris Bueller commercial.  

Monday, January 30, 2012

TVMWW T-Shirt Giveaway Lottery Video

Thanks for commenting commenters!

And the winner of the TVMWW T-shirt giveaway izzzzzzzzzzz ...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Bachelor: I Like Ben, Butttttttttt ...

Dude, that's a nice fucking horse. 

I can't get over how small Ben's nipples are.

I like the guy, don't get me wrong. He's got a decent sense of humor and doesn't take himself too seriously, but those nipples -- like two cherry Life Savers -- I just can't get them out of my head.

I sort of want to paint Ben's nips silver, sketch out F.D.R.'s profile on 'em and then chop 'em off and attempt to make a call from a local payphone. I know, I know, I'd still need five cents, but ...

The ladies are absolutely loving Ben's nips. A few of them are already quite smitten and could see Ben's nips as the nips that they could end up marrying. But there's more to a man than his nips. And if the girls could just step back and take off their nip-colored glasses, they may find a few red flags with our mini-nippled Bachelor.

For one, Ben admitted last night that his favorite condiment is mustard. NOW THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS. Mustard?!?! I like mustard, and it has it's place in the world, but to say that it's your FAVORITE condiment? OUTRAGEOUS! Just off the top of my head, these condiments are all way better than mustard: mayonnaise, ketchup, barbecue sauce, bleu cheese, DEFINITELY bleu cheese, sriracha, TARTAR SAUCE, sweet-and-sour sauce, aoioli (which has taken over the world of onion rings by the way), hot sauce, thousand island dressing and any sort of sweet corn relish. And I didn't even get into various Cheez Whiz products!

I'll take Elizabeth Banks over Colonel Mustard any day.

I'm also pretty sure that on his group date he called S'mores "Sch'mores." I don't have DVR, so I couldn't rewind it to find out for sure that he called S'mores "Sch'mores," but I know what I heard and I heard "Sch'mores."

Sch'moreso, Ben is planning dates that are WAYYYYYYYYY too long. The editors made it look like Rachel and Ben had nothing to talk about on their date, but they were out for over twelve hours! No first date should ever last more than three. Pick her up, chat about some stuff, go do something, accidentally spill a drink on your pants forcing your date to look at your package (it looks bigger when your pants are wet) and then run away leaving her with the image of your wet dork on her brain. It's basic dating 101. I'll tell ya what else is basic dating 101: don't EVER get THAT close to a beaver dam!!!! And if you do find yourself that close to a beaver dam, DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ever point at a beaver dam and say "there's a beaver dam!" Beavers can get VERY angry VERY quickly (especially when they think that you're mocking their wet crotches).

Ben sure did look like a sucker giving Courtney that rose on the group date. How are Bachelors always falling for the girls that pout? And why did Courtney quote Charlie Sheen ... "Winnnnning!" ... TWICE?!?! 

Ugh, it's pretty frustrating to watch Ben fall for Courtney's isht. There's really nothing cool about her (or her babytalking). When it became obvious to Courtney that the other chicks didn't like her, Courtney told them, "I get along better with guys," which essentially means, "I sucked all my guy friends' dicks."

No skinny tie!

But despite making these mistakes, Ben does have some go-to moves. His favorite seems to be the I'm-holding-two-wine-glasses-in-my-hand-at-once move, which I know is driving women all across the country CRAZY. Chicks actually fall for that sort of stuff! "Wow, he can hold two glasses. Oh my gawd, his fingers must be so strong, FDR's my favorite president, fireside chats, so sensitive." There was a girl I went to college with, Tracy Somethingjewish, who told me that she LOVVVVVED when guys would palm the wheel while driving. "Palming the wheel" is when you make a turn but leave your hand open, using your palm to steer. It's a pretty standard move, I'm pretty sure my Uncle Ivan does it all the time, but Tracy swore it was like the hottest thing ever. Since then, on every date I've ever gone on I've made sure to palm the wheel.

"Evan, why are you turning left again? Didn't we just go left?"

"Yeah baby, two lefts makes a right."

"What? No. Two lefts makes a U-turn. We're going the wrong way."

"'Bout to make a left baby, hold on."

"All right, now we're going the right way again. Why's your left turn signal on again? I feel dizzy."

"Pass me my water bottle baby, I'm about to make my dick look HUGE."

Her neck is probably so warm. 

I dunno, Ben's all right I guess, but I just can't get into a dude whose hair whips in the breeze when he rides a horse (no matter how big or small his nips are). And I would never date a person who didn't put mayonnaise as their CLEAR CUT #1 condiment. But these girls are falling for Ben. Courtney likes Ben and Kacie B. likes Ben and Jennifer likes Ben and Nicki likes Ben and Emily likes Ben and the lady that got kicked off last night that never talked to Ben liked Ben and that's nice for Ben, it really is, but he needs to stop cuddling and holding hands and making girls in yellow bikinis wear harnesses and start taking advantage of the fact that these chicks like him.

I'm talking about sex.

Ben needs to have sex with these women.

Because before he knows it, he'll be married and celibate and sitting around one night and his wife'll say, "You know, your nipples are fucking small as shit dude, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I'm just pointing it out 'cause I've always thought it and thought you should know. So don't go getting all gay on me and getting sad, all right? I'm just saying your fucking nipples are small. They're really small. Trash day's tomorrow by the way."


I'm trying to get people to comment more. So this week, I'm gonna take all the commenters, put their names in a hat and pick one to receive a free MortonMonsky.com t-shirt. I'm thinking I'll give away the one above. So you should comment. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr don't and just check out this scuba dog.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Bérénice Bejo aka the Chick from The Artist aka the Most Adorable Chick Ever

There are few things sexier in this world than a woman wearing leather gloves.
(One of them just so happens to be a woman wearing leather socks.)

Cue Foghorn Leghorn: Now I say what? I say what? has happened to the sanctity of marriage?!?!

This week, Heidi Klum and Seal (the only couple in Hollywood who truly seemed to like each other) called it quits after 47 years of marriage. More shocking than their split was the fact that Heidi dumped Seal to be with her new boyfriend, Edward James Olmos.

Regardless, Wednesday's Wifey will persevere!

And this week, TVMWW's brings you Hollywood's newest sweetheart, Bérénice Bejo.

Let's check her out before the Oscars are over and she falls out of the public's consciousness.


It's TVMWW's favorite pose, the French Flutter-Foot, coupled with a classic Schwee-Schwoop hairstyle by Vidal Sassoon.

If I were 14 years old* (*If I were home right now), I would totally pump-off to this shot* (*any picture of any barefoot woman ever).

Verrrrrrrrry sensual.

There's something so erotic about a French woman rubbing up against a wooden door. I sort of want her to smell that door. Is that weird? That's weird, right? My foot fetish is one thing, but what the fuck am I talking about that I want her to smell that door? I don't really want her to smell that door. That's just ridiculous.

(I kinda think it might be cool if she smelled the door. Not that big of deal. Just take a whiff of it, make a sexy face, could be kinda hot. How do you know it's not sexy if you don't try it? Just go ahead. Try it. It's fine. Don't be scared. Who am I talking to?)

Had no idea that Bérénice was one of the original members of the Pointer Sisters.

When I first saw this pic, I thought Bérénice was wearing goggles, like she was visiting a lab or something, but upon further inspection she's actually just wearing really dumb sunglasses.

It's the first black mark on her perviously unblemished sexual resumé. Also, what is she holding in her right hand? Is that her glasses case? It might be a gun. I hope it's a gun. Or a dildo. God I hope it's a dild.

I coulda sworn there was a time when it was cool for rappers to wear ski goggles. I texted my friend Larbage to ask him if he remembered what rapper(s) used to wear them, but he ignored the text like he does pretty much every time I try to get in touch with him.

So I googled "rappers with ski goggles" and this picture of Ice-T came up. Also, look closely, is that a BUTTON pinned onto his hat? I think it is. And now I kinda remember buttons-on-hats being a thing in the 80's. But what could that button possibly say? "I make chicks smell doors?"

Chris "Say Bo to Drugs" wore goggles like a motherfug!

Look at those goggs! They're not even on straight! No wonder he had such a short career.

"Uh, Chris, you're hitting .225 and we're thinking of sending you down to the minors. Can you even see in those things?"

"Aw, c'mon Skip, I'm just in a slump."

"Chris, yesterday you lined up in the batters box facing the dugout. You blasted the umpire in the face."

"Made good contact."

"Good point."

Absolutely no idea what's going on here, but I think this picture clearly shows that Bérénice is the kind of woman who would totally smell a door if you asked her to.

(She'd do it. You know she would. Bérénice was actually born in Argentina and Argentinians are extra kinky. That's a fact. That's a medical fact.)


You know what that wink means!

(No idea. No idea what that wink means.)

My buddy Gell likes chicks who don't wear belts.

I gotta agree with him, it makes the midriff look so much hotter. I mean, look at that thing! It's like a weightlifting jawn. And look at dude's elbow patches! He must be planning on getting Mrs. Bejo to lay down on that hardwood floor with him.

This is Bérénice's husband and the Director of the Artist, Michael Hazanavicius. (No relation to Sarunas Marciulionis.) Nice lookin' fella. Dope beard. Interesting glasses. (Can't possibly be any lenses in there and if there are they're seriously the cleanest lenses I've ever seen. My lenses on my glasses are always filthy by the way. How do people keep theirs clean?!?)

This is exactly what Ben the Bachelor SHOULD do with his hair. Kind of a cross between a Schwee-Schwoop and a Dipsy-Do. I like this dude ... I SUPPORT YOU, BRO!


I actually saw The Artist last week. It was fantastic. I highly recommend it. I also recommend attempting to get your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend/person you met on Craigslist to smell a door. Could be great! Also, remember, this week I'm giving away a FREE T-SHIRT to a random commenter. So write a comment in the comment thing. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, just check out this amazing picture of a place that looks nothing like Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania. 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Thursday's Wifey: Miss America -- Laura Kaeppeler

How does one get such a smooth clavicle? By eating cheese?

This past weekend, I wasn't able to watch the Miss America pageant quite the way I would've liked (with my pants around my ankles while being forced to drink out of a dog bowl).

You see, we had company over, and anytime we have friends visiting I feel compelled to put out 12 different types of cheeses and show off my cheese dome (the one item from our registry that I truly cared about receiving ... THANK YOU TO MY MOM'S FRIENDS PHYLLIS AND EDDIE!). So while Miss Pennsylvania was getting knocked out in the first ten minutes, I was knuckle deep in Bucheron.

Also, our friends Annie and Abu brought their two kids over (Sam, 2, and Evie, 2 months) and little Samster ate too much avocado and barfed all over the place. It wasn't that big of a deal (in fact, it was kind of amazing, he barfed all over his father's head), but we had to run around and clean up the rug and find Samster a clean shirt (BLUE, HAD TO BE BLUE) and throw his clothes in the wash (of course we didn't have any detergent and had to borrow some from our neighbor). I didn't really do much to help out (my barf-cleaning skills are sub-par), I just kinda sat on the couch holding Evie (the 2 month-old), but like I said we had a bunch of cheese so I really couldn't pay attention to the television.

I guess it's only fitting then that Miss Wisconsin, Laura Kaeppeler, took home the crown.

Let's get to know this Wednesday's Thursday's Wifey, as well as some of her competish.

When the barf was cleared and the cheese was cashed, we did settle in to see Miss Amurrica get crowned. All the ladies in the room (my wife, Annie, Evie, myself) were kinda flabbergasted that Laura chose not to wear waterproof mascara. It actually made all the women IRATE, which I felt only added to the eroticism of the evening.

The new Miss Amurrs looks pretty normal here. But then again, looks can be deceiving. For examps, a Saturday night filled with avocado and 12 different kinds of fromage LOOKS like a good idea, but eventually leads to someone barfing all over their father's head.

Instead of singing opera, this lady should've cleaned up baby barf during the talent portion of the evening. IT WAS HONESTLY EVERYWHERE.

No idea why she felt the need to hold that spatula. 

Did you knowwwwwwwwwww that Chad Ochocinco goes to the IHOP in Foxboro EVERY morning when they open? He often gets there early and tweets from the parking lot while he waits for them to open the doors. 


This is Miss Iowa. Her favorite food is French Toast. I would pay big bucks to watch her eat breakfast (that means have sex) with Chad Ochocinco.

Miss South Cackalack, who lost over a hundred pounds by staying away from places like IHOP. Throughout the pageant, I was convinced she had scoliosis. 

And this is the runner-up, Miss Oklahoma, who claimed that she "loves dressing up." I obviously took this to mean that Oklahomans are kinky. Note to self: write a screenplay for a porno called "Annie Get Your Gun I'm Way Into Gun Play." Her talent (outside of the boudoir) was doing a River Dance (which I took to mean that she's the kinkiest woman on the planet). I actually kinda like River Dance. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

Ahhhhh, my favorite, Miss Tennessee, Jessica Simpson, Jr. During the show, a graphic flashed on the screen that said that she was "An Honorary Duck Master at the Peabody Hotel." We had no idea what that meant, so my friend Fred Frinks looked it up on his phone and found out that the Peabody Hotel is famous for having ducks ride up and down in the elevators. Kinda similar to how peacocks have free reign at the zoo. I love everything about this woman.

But the judges (like Kris Kardashian) apparently didn't think that riding elevators with ducks was as impressive as giving old guys handshakes. THAT GUY TOTALLY HAS SCOLIOSIS.

Nice tuber!


You can't really argue with this now, can ya? There's not a mole on that woman's body. God bless America.

Most openly perverted picture to ever appear on TVMWW? I'd say so. AND THAT'S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. What a country we live in where you can surf the internet and find a picture of Miss America's shinbones. I guess maybe that whole SOPA thing was worth caring about?????



The Wife and I are going on a date to see that movie The Artist on Friday night. It's supposed to be amazing. You should check it out. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this AMAZING gallery of sports posters from the 80's!

My Boy Fred Frinks Goes Off On A Mini-Rant About New Bachelorette, Emily Maynard

I've never seen anybody have a stronger grip on a water bottle. 

The following is an email from my friend Fred Frinks after Emily Maynard was announced as the new Bachelorette:

If I wanted to watch some sad sap with emotional baggage hem and haw about commitment and second guess themselves and every decision they made in life, I'd put a webcam in my college roommate's apartment and call it "The Spectacular Turd of College Park, Maryland." 

I'll give you an exclusive pre show recap: 

She'll enter the show with reservations but will eventually concede that she's confident that her husband is "in this room." She'll cut dudes every week even though she thinks they're nice guys, and eventually grow close to two or three of them. They'll be head over heels in love with her and try way too hard to put her at ease as they assure her that they're there for the right reasons and they always wanted a step daughter and they love her for who she is, even with her imperfections and giant Mr. Ed caps. They'll have hometowns and everyone will love her and she'll fit right in and it will seem like she's already part of the family and everyone will have everyone else's blessing. Then she'll take her final 3 to the "most romantic place in the world", Manila, where they'll all be shacked up in thatch huts, and she'll have 3 one-on-one dates where there will be forced conversation and a grand total of 6 meals that won't get eaten (even though everything is "perfect") and 3 keys that open up the private love shacks that will go unused because SHE WON'T F*CK ANYBODY.  She'll pick some dude and by the time after the final rose airs they'll already be splitsville. 

This chick is the worst possible choice for this show. She's the worst type of crazy. She's the annoying, in her head crazy. All the insanity is in her head.  Thats not good TV crazy.  I want Michelle Money crazy. Or that blogger chick crazy. I want a Bachelorette who will either f*ck an NBA all star, stab a bitch, sh*t in a sock, or drink herself into a crying muttering blogging mess every Monday night. That's what I want. It's what we deserve

Starcasm.net can take a sh*t.

Evster's note (specifically written to Nooch): The opening line of Fred Frinks's rant was NOT really about his college roommate. I changed it to protect the anonymity of who it was really about. Fred's college roommate actually had (and still has) one of the strongest relationships of anyone I know. I also haven't spoken to him in almost a decade. 

Also, Fred put more time and effort into constructing this email than he has in the last five years of fantasy football. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor: Hey Harrison, I Gots Some Questions for Ya

Oh what could he have said that was so Goddamn funny?!?!

Yo @ChrisBHarrison, can you please explain to me why y'all aren't using the Bachelor mansion?!?!

Was there a flood?

A sewage leak?

I kinda feel like maybe Kobe is shacking up there after Vanessa gave him the boot. That would make the most sense. ABC -- struggling to pay the bills in these hard economic times -- rents out an enormous brothel to a billionaire (sorry, half-billionaire) who fills every vacant bed with a different white woman.

Obviously ABC needs moolah. They sold out last night's entire episode to Honda's "Leap List" commercial, a new campaign centered around young folks going on adventures before they "take the leap," like getting married or having a stupid baby or something.

The commercial (and whole idea of a "Leap List")  made my wife FURIOUS. She argues that it makes marriage look like the end of the world when in fact I (and other men) still have the freedom to do whatever we want.

My brother-in-law and I raised our eyebrows when she said that.

Bro-in-law:  So wait, if Ev wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail, you'd let him?

My Wife:  Yeah, I don't give a shit.

Bro-in-law:  And be away for four months?

My Wife:  Well ...

Me:  Or even two months?

My Wife:  You don't even like hiking.

Bro-in-law:  That's not the point.

Me:  First of all, I do like hiking. Second of all ...

My Wife:  Second of all, you would f*cking die in the first weekend ...

Me:  Third of all, no I wouldn't! And fourth of all, you can't steal my "second of all."

My Wife:  Fifth of all, I can, and I did. And I let you buy a banjo.

Me:  You won't even let me keep it downstairs!

My Wife:  Get a stand for it! You can't leave a f*cking banjo lying around!


And she's rockin' the floppy tongue!

Rough like Timberland wear, yeah!

I was sorta impressed that Emily even owned a pair of Timberlands! And I'm not sure what I would wear on my feet to climb the Bay Bridge (wait, yes I do, I'd wear slippers, because I'd be at home not climbing the Bay Bridge if anyone ever asked me to climb the Bay Bridge) but I don't think a bulky pair of Timberlands is the best choice. Have you ever tried to simply walk in a pair of Tims? Okay, me neither, but in high school the "kids who smoked" were always trying to play basketball in them and tripping all over the place.

The chicks skiing in bikinis last night was sorta hot. I never thought I'd really be into that -- I mean, how hot could a woman in ski boots be? -- but I was WRONG. Something about women wearing teeny bikinis and screaming for their lives was VERY erotic. I sort of wanted one of them to die just so I could check off "watching a snuff film" off my bucket list.

Also, is it wrong that after Jaclyn was eliminated from the show, I sorta wanted her to commit suicide? I know, I know, my wife and my brother in law's girlfriend gave me the same exact look when I said that last night, but I can't hide my true feelings!

Let's cut the bullisht right now, the biggest shock of this season so far (more shocking than the mansion being condemned, or Shawntel's reappearance, or my recent revelation that I want to watch a woman die) has been that Jaclyn made it as far as she did. Look, I'm not in the business of hurting people's feelings. I think all of my poking fun is more directed at a person's actions or intellect than their physical features ... but whooooaaaaaaaaa Tonto.

Worst thing is, her last name is Swartz.

I don't remember no stinkin' pineapples.

Here's another question for ya Harrison:

Is there some sort of Bachelor rule that if two people are having a little one-on-one time and someone else comes up to "steal them away" that the Bachelor HAS to leave the conversation? Can't he just be like, "Ohhh, actually Blakely, Elyse was just in the middle of something. I don't know what. I wasn't listening, but could you just give us five minutes? Then I'll come find you. I promise. Thanks."


Instead, it's like:

Elyse (talking to Ben):  So on her deathbed, my mom told me that when I found the right guy, the perfect guy, that I had to tell him one thing. The secret of life. The secret to love. And that secret is ...

Blakely (interrupting):  Oh hey. You mind if I steal him for a sec?

Elyse:  Actually, we were just in the middle of something.

Blakely:  Yeahhh, but ...

Ben:  Yeahhhhhh, ummmmm, she did ask to steal me for a sec. It's kind-of a rule.

Elyse:  Can't it just wait like, three minutes?

Ben:  Welllll ...

Blakely:  Welllllllllllll ...

Ben:  It's just like, a rule. I'm sorry. (wrinkles his nose, takes Blakely's hand, walks away, and conceals his boner with his other hand.)



And why were the ladies SO FREAKED OUT about Shawntel?

Shouldn't it have just been as easy as:

Shawntel:  Hey guys, my name's Shawntel. I met Flaj a while back and I kinda felt like we had a connection. When it was announced that he was the new Bach, I called Chris Harrison and asked him if I could be a part of this. ABC's struggling for ratings so they thought it might help to have me swoop in here. So here I am. I'm a nice person, hopefully you (and Ben) will give me a chance. I'll take any of your questions now. Also, that girl looks like a horse.

Everyone else:  Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, she does look like a horse. A donkey really. Wait, is a donkey a horse? It has to be.

Donkeys are actually cute. I need to apologize to donkeys.



"It's just so hard to watch you with the other girls," ... or ... "I haven't felt like this in a really long time."



Haven't you seen the show before?!?!? Haven't you met a man before?!?!? Why can't one lady -- JUST ONE LADY -- be the normal one and tell Ben that she's doing great and she understands that sliding his tongue down other chicks' throats is part of the show?!?!?


I actually understand this. I have a really really really hard time just standing/waiting in line. I constantly transfer my weight from one foot to the other, my back locks up, so I get it. I get it.

But I really don't know how much more of this I can take.

That's a lie.

That's a Goddamn lie.

I can obviously take much more.

But my blood pressure is through the roof.

I just wanna curl up at the old Bachelor mansion under one of their 3,000 blankets ... light 4,000 candles ... and drink some hot choc.

And watch a woman in a bikini ski off a cliff.

Look at that little vest!

The wife and I started watching Luther this week. Well, we only watched one episode but it was amazing. You guys should watch it On Demand. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture of my Uncle Dave who's doing 3-5 in the clink. 

Friday, January 13, 2012

Book/Movie Review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (Not Really a Book or Movie Review)

Wearing a leather jacket without a shirt can't be comfortable.

I'm not sure why I thought The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was gonna be about a female ninja -- I guess the title is a bit misleading, or maybe I'm just racist -- but that doesn't mean that Lisbeth Salander (The Girl) is not one bad mutha.

This Girl will f*ck you up, especially if you try to rape her, and even if you don't try and rape her, even if you're really nice to her, she's still pretty intimidating. Both the book and the movie -- or should I say the "boovie" -- lead you to believe that Lisbeth is angry because MEN-ARE-PIGS. And this is true, Lisbeth is a victim of sexual abuse, but there are may other factors from Lisbeth's Swedish past that could have led to her violent outbursts.

Let's take a look at some famous Swedish influences and really get to the bottom of why Lisbeth is the way she is ... you know, besides all the rape/abuse/rapuse.

How does the wooden spoon help him here?!?!
The Swedish Chef - Probably the most famous Swede of all-time. Seems like a nice enough guy, always in a good mood, always cooking something, BUT THE GUY IS A STONE COLD KILLER! Always chucking knives! Chopping stuff up! Having absolutely no regard for human safety! HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAY GONZO'S CHICKENS RUN FROM HIM WHENEVER HE'S AROUND?!?! I can't believe my neurotic Jewish mother allowed me to watch him!

Get over yourself, Sookie!

Vampire Eric - Forget about eating humans and ripping people's throats out, this guy has an uncanny ability to break up a marriage. My wife starts moaaaaaaning anytime he appears on screen, and even though I've had lentil soup on three different occasions this week, my stomach will never be as chiseled as his. I was SO HAPPY that he fell in love and turned into a major doucher this past season -- aka pulled a "Chandler Bing" -- because he allowed my marriage to continue (and I'm on my wife's heath insurance plan).

IKEA - This place is a death trap. You walk in the front door, hang a left, and instantly argue with your spouse for eight consecutive hours. We once went on a quick trip in search of iced tea spoons and limped out eight hours later with a "Glack," a couple "Slorjs" and "meatball stains" all over my shirt. I would rather watch SEX AND THE CITY (YEP, I SAID IT -- EVEN AN EPISODE FEATURING MIRANDA) than go to IKEA. That place breeds hatred.

Tiger Woods's ex-wife Elin Norrdgrorden - Wasn't there a movie where some chick takes a golf club and whacks some dude with it? Wait a minute ...

Tony Pena-style!
Dolph Lundgren - He's Swedish! You had no idea, did you? Had to be Russian, right? HAD TO BE. The fact that he didn't win an Oscar for his performance in Rocky IV as Ivan Drago has to be the biggest injustice in the history of Western civilization. You telling me you didn't think he was a Russian boxer? YOU'RE A GODDAMNED LIAR. Up until late last Spring I actually thought Ivan Drago played himself in that movie! Wanna know who beat him out for Best Actor in 1985? William Hurt in Kiss of the Spider Woman! I'm not even sure who that is! So many exclamation points in this paragraph! For those of you who actually read/saw the boovie, how disappointed are you in this post?!?!?

Know who else is Swedish?????

This guy is honestly amazing!

Not that anyone not named "Philly Phoodie" ever comments, but please refrain from commenting spoilers about the next 2 boovies! Also, I feel kinda baad that I didn't give an actual review of this boovie, so please accept my apology.  

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wednesday's Wifey: Readers' Choice: Steffi Graf (Yep, Steffi Graf)

Andre Aggs with his most prized bucket of crystal meth. 

This is the first-ever Readers' Choice edition of Wednesday's Wifey.

Earlier this morning, I asked followers on Faceblork and Twittles to send in their suggestions for today's Wifey. Moments after doing so, I got really really really nervous that no one would respond, so I sent a mass text to around twenty friends asking them to comment on Faceblork which would hopefully get the ball rollin' and at least make it look like some people actually read TV Me Weef Wooches

The people I texted were very carefully selected, like my wife and my friend Thad who's really nice because he grew up on a farm. The rest of the chosen people were also really nice, the kind of people who bring over a box of Entenmann's cookies when they come over "just because." If I were to have asked my closest friends to help me out, I would've received a barrage of texts saying, "eat a dick."

By the way, is there ANYTHING WORSE than when you're involved in an email chain and you're really excited and you keep replying to all and then someone responds "unsubscribe" to your message? It's such a dick move. My friends are notorious for this. I honestly hate them. I wish I grew up on a farm (and had a bigger dick).

Those that did respond gave some really great suggestions, such as:

Halle Berry (recently engaged)
Torrie Wilson (A-Rod's new girl)
My friend Annie (suggested by Annie)
Brent Celek's wife (apparently she's a boxer)
and Lady Bird Johnson

A few people (read: idiots) didn't really understand the purpose of my text (to get them to respond ON FACEBOOK) and texted me suggestions like Jelena Ristic part II, Selena Gomez and Jessica Rabbit.

Ultimately, I decided to go with Steffi Graf, suggested by @JesseFederman.

Let's do dis!

Steffi Graf is a great choice for Wednesday's Wifey because she's such an enigma -- no one has any idea if she's hot or not. At times it seems like she's not even close to attractive, and at other times (like pictured here listening to a wall) she looks amazing.

Another shot of Steffi sort-of looking beautiful (great layers in her hair!), but then again, also kinda ... whoa whoa whoa ... check out the dude? sitting in front of Steffi!


That's seriously is the strangest looking upper half-of-a-head I've ever seen. A bowl-cut AND tinted glasses? I think that might be Salman Rushdie in disguise. What up Salman!

I mean for all intents and purposes this is a beautiful woman. She's so long! Based on just this picture alone, she would've gone in the late lottery of the 2001 NBA draft. You telling me the Super Sonics couldn't have used Steffi at small forward instead of Vladimir Radmanovic? Not disrespect to Vlad -- dude has a buttermilk jumpshot -- but you can't teach length! I SORT OF WANT TO LICK HER SHINS!

Again, seemingly pretty, nice cleave, totally hairless, but she doesn't even know how to put on a shoe!


Steffi happens to suffer from a chronic case of Itchy Shin Syndrome, as shown here by her scratching her shin with the bottom of her sneaker (which is really the only way to scratch an itchy shin). But should a world class athlete like Mrs. Agassi really need to balance herself on her son?!?!? Such an enigma!

THIS GUY IS SO MUCH MORE EXCITED TO BE WITH THE GIRL ON THE RIGHT THAN WITH STEFFI (and you really can't blame him, can you?). Poor Steffi, definitely not her best look. Like a poor man's Detlef Schrempf.

So it seems like the key to Steffi's hotness is: the more leg and butt she's showing, the more attractive she is. But that's probably true for most women (with the exception of Barbara "Baboon Butt" Jenkins who seriously has a baboon butt). And I don't know where St. Vincent is, but $1.25 seems a little steep for a stamp!!!

Natural beauty!

But also has talon-hands!  

Such a sanitary kitchen! Where's the mail?!?!

You go girl with the little side-boob action! Let's put this debate to rest ... the verdict is in: Steffi Graf is a bonafide smokedog when showing some sort of leg or butt and I honestly can't stop staring at that side-boob. Side-boob is the new boob. Well, boob is still the new boob, but side-boob is great too. Is that even side-boob? That's not even side-boob.

Seiny is so happy here!

And whose shoulder is to the right of Steffi's?!?!?

We'll never know!!!

I honestly have no idea if anyone reads this blog. My blogger sabermetrics are all facacta because I get 500 hits a day from people searching for pictures of Coco's cocos. Regardless, thanks so much for reading. Here's a group of amazing amazing amazing pictures