Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Wednesday's Wifeys - The Real Housewives of BH and Atlanta

Listen, love this blog or LOATHE it, you can't say that I don't find DYNAMITE pictures.

Evster's note: This is not a traditional Wednesday's Wifey post -- it's more like a combo Wednesday Wifey/Real Housewives jawn. Actually, it's more like a regular Housewives column that happened to fall on a Wednesday. So boom, here's the double-dipper. I'm aware that this is a total cop-out. I'm also aware that Combos are delicious.

Ever since I started watching simultaneous seasons of the Real Housewives, this blorg has gotten much more angry and misogynistic.

I blame women.

But hey, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," right? What a crock that is -- probably a woman who made that one up. Who are you to tell me what and what not to say!

As dumb as that saying is (and as much as I think Hillary Clinton should sex it up a little bit) there must be something charming about these housewives from Beverly Hills, right? Atlanta's got it going on, I actually like those ladies, but the white women from BH? Eeesh. Let's try to see if these ladies do in fact have some redeeming qualities.

I've honestly never seen a happier couple.
Camille Still Goin' With Grammer

For People Who Don't Watch: Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife
Redeeming Qualities: Has good rhythm ... decent bowler ... shares the same first name as Bill Cosby's wife.

My wiiife, Camiiiiiillllleee (that's my Bill Cosby impression) had a bit of a rough start with the Beverly Hills crew, but seems to have settled in nicely. Also, her name is very similar to "Camilla," Gonzo's chicken friend, who I've always liked a great deal.

"Joe Louis was 137 years old!"
Lisa Vanderpump, Yep, Vanderpump

For People Who Don't Watch: The British lady
Redeeming Qualities: Always shows cleavage ... quick-witted ... British accent. 

I guess if there's one person you'd want to go out for tea and scones with, it'd be Vanderpumps, and not just because she's British and probably knows a lot about tea, but because she probably also knows a lot about scones. Little known fact: you can never know enough about scones (so underrated!). Then again, do you really want to have tea with a person who spends the entire meal bragging about how much they know about scones? The answer for me is "yes." Especially if that person is also showing off some major cleave. Ugh, I disgust myself. That woman's like 75 years old. She's also filthy disgusting rich. I sorta love her.

Are they in a sauna?
Bootleg Brandi 

For People Who Don't Watch: My personal fave.
Redeeming Qualities: Ain't never scurred ... nipples like a barracuda ... fantastic bowler. 

Not necessarily the person you'd want to go bra shopping with, but seems to have a bunch of nice young friends who know how to slurp 'n burp. By the way, according to my wife (and this big-tittied lady that we saw on What Not to Wear the other day), a good bra is THE ABSOLUTE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the world. And yet Brandi chooses to live life without one ... God bless her.

Oh my God Kim that's so funny seriously so funny please move away oh no no no it's seriously so funny I know I know we're best friends awesome I love this seat. 
Kim Big Sis Richards

For People Who Don't Watch: The lady who just checked into rehab.
Redeeming Qualities: Makes everyone around her feel better about themselves. 

Reality gold this woman, reality gold.

At my buddy's wedding, I gave a speech about his new bride that was POORLY received (and interpreted) by his wife. In the speech, I was trying to convey that the woman he was marrying was SO BONKERS that their life together was guaranteed to be entertaining. It might be crazy, it might be outta control, but it was going to be exciting ... going to the supermarket, ordering scones, folding socks ... all mundane activities, but with his wife, exhilarating. Her energy MADE LIFE INTERESTING, EXCITING, WORTH LIVING. Regardless, she didn't appreciate it (nor will she appreciate me comparing her to Kim Richards), BUT THEY'RE BOTH INCREDIBLY CAPTIVATING. Everything Kim does -- weeping, falling down, pointing, sitting on washing machines eating Cheetos -- is fun to watch. And isn't that what life's all aboot Celine Dion?

There's honestly so many Jax on the floor, and Kyle, hate to break it to you, but THAT'S NOT A REAL VACUUM YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING.
Kyle Lil' Syst Richards

For People Who Don't Watch: Kim's sister and Paris Hilton's aunt.
Redeeming Qualities: Can do a split ... has long-enough hair to make wigs for 37 cancer patients. 

Kyle recently wrote a book that only costs $16 (hardback). C'mon, that's a pretty fair price for a book these days.

How many pillows does she have behind her?
Taylor Something

For People Who Don't Watch: The one whose husband killed himself.
Redeeming Qualities: Hmmmm, good at screaming and crying?

If you were making a movie, and in the movie there was a scene where some guy needed to slaughter an antelope, she'd be a great antelope stunt double.

Now obviously it's much easier to find positive qualities about the Atlanta housewives -- they're kinda cool -- so let's fly through these next few (because honestly it's the end of the day on Wednesday and I haven't posted in a week and the four people who actually read this blorg are all over me to post something).

So there's that move.

NeNe Boom Boom Leakes

For People Who Don't Watch: The big jawn from the Apprentice.
Redeeming Qualities: Funny ... charismatic ... my wife thinks she always wears great nailpolish.

The Real Housewives version of Charles Barkley. She definitely doesn't live by the whole "if you don't have something nice to say" credo, in fact, sometimes she's a bully. But so was Charles.

DJ Steve Sidewalk. Real person. "No, no, I'm not gonna go with DJ Sidewizzle, I'm going with DJ Steve Sidewalk. Yeah, 'cause I'm like the DJ who does stuff on the sidewalk. And my name's Steve, sooooo ..." 
Kim Zolciak-Biermann

For People Who Don't Watch: The white lady.
Redeeming Qualities: Registered Nurse ... equal opportunity employer ... has cute kids. 

Look, it's undeniable, "Don't Be Tardy for the Party" was a total megajam. It doesn't make any sense! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE ... but it's undeniable.

I mean, that's a RIDICKULOUS thing to say to a person, and yet she pulled it off. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Hey, Freddy, dude, I'm having a party this weekend, thinking it'll start about 6. Gonna be cool, my girl's making around 13 different kinds of dips. In fact, we're gonna have a different dip in every room, kinda like an around the world thing, but with dips. So yeah, it starts at 6, don't be tardy for the party. What's that? No, no, I didn't say "don't be tardy for the party," I said be there around 6. Six is a good time. If you arrive later than 6, that's ehhh, that's fine, but I'd try to get there at 6. Lots of dips man, lots of dips. I just wanna make sure you get some." But she did! In a song!

Whatever, get over yourself.
Phaedra Parks, Esq.

For People Who Don't Watch: A lawyer who represents male strippers, including one guy named "Ridickulous" who can legitimately suck his own crank.
Redeeming Qualities: Sweet disposition ... gets buckwild with eye shadow ... probably slept with the entire Atlanta Braves outfield in 1993 (including Otis Nixon). 

For those of you who don't know what Otis Nixon looks like (essentially everybody who reads this) ...

Just keeping it real.

Traces of gonorrhea, too.
Kandi Ballgag Burruss

For People Who Don't Watch: Former member of the R&B group, Xscape. Is R&B still a thing?
Redeeming Qualities: Total pervert ... legit singer ... wide open sexually. 

I can't imagine how many ballgags are probably in the top drawer of her bedside table.

Where ya at now,!?!

For People Who Don't Watch: Former model, RIDICKulously beautiful.
Redeeming Qualities: Super pretty ... once dated Russell Simmons ... could probably help you find your way around the New York City subway system. 

Legs that go all the way up.

If you don't have anything nice to say ...
Shere√© Did I put the √© Thingy on the Right e? Whitfield 

For People Who Don't Watch: Ex-wife of all-pro tackle Bob Whitfield.
Redeeming Qualities: Ex-wife of all-pro tackle Bob Whitfield ... has a really cute and sad sad teenage son.


(That's a good thing!)

Anybody seen the remote?

My wife is making me read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo because she wants to see the movie with me on Christmas. So for the next few weeks, I'm gonna use this space down here to give status updates on where I'm at in the book. I don't know if that's interesting at all, but I'm doing it. The thing is like 600 pages long and that's about 583 more pages than I can usually read. Right now I'm on page 168 and I'm enjoying it. This Lisbeth lady is sneaky as a mug. All right, here's your stupid picture of something.


  1. Hate to say it, but I totally saw that What Not to Wear. I still insist that was a total cop-out. That lady was already attractive and well-endowed. She didn't need a makeover! She needed to shows off the yams.

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