Monday, December 5, 2011

Virgin Diaries on TLC: The Strangest Hour of TV Not Involving the Gumbel Brothers

Not only has this dude never seen a vaj, possibly never seen the sun either. 

I don't know what the hell you were doing on Sundee night -- maybe you were watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta, maybe you were watching football, maybe you're one of those weird people who doesn't watch TV every second of every day and thinks you're better than everyone else -- regardless, you missed an absolutely mindblowing hour of television called Virgin Diaries.

Here's what a few of my Twitter followers had to say about the show:

Virgin Diaries is very similar to one of those MTV shows where it's like, "I'm 25 and I'm Addicted to Fried Shrimp" but instead of following shrimp addicts it follows three different virgin storylines:

1. A dumb virgin couple saving themselves for their wedding day. The girl is probably the horniest virgin ever, sooooooo ready to get boned, while her future husband is the clammiest, weirdest, most sexually disinterested dude in the world. He's not only saving having sex for the wedding, but he's saving HIS FIRST KISS for the wedding. There's also a chance that before this show was filmed he had never spoken to another human being before in his life.

2. A 35 year-old dumb virgin dude who lives with a cat.

3. Three somewhat attractive female virgin roommates who had the potential to be ripping sluts, but somehow made absolutely horrible decisions as to what to do with their vaginas. One of them calls herself a "reclaimed virgin" -- she's actually slept with 7 dudes -- but now wants to save her next trip to the boneyard for her wedding night. She of course is the dumbest kind of virgin, because SHE'S TOTALLY NOT A VIRGIN. In fact, she's not even CLOSE to a virgin, because NOTHING is close to a virgin besides an actual full-blooded dumb sex-less virgin. Even someone who had sex ONCE is FAR FAR FAR from a virgin. THIS LADY NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE TO ALL VIRGINS.

Dude, that's a nice painting of a French Horn OH NO WAIT IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMB VIRGIN.

I'd love to go on about these dumb virgins and what they do with their dumb lives (like one of them who goes on a date with a guy who has a faux-hawk, an upper earlobe earring, AND A SOULPATCH), but I don't wanna spoil it if you ever catch a rerun.


A few of them go on dates and they're hanging out with people (WHO THEY COULD POTENTIALLY SLEEP WITH) and they're all, "Oh, by the way, I'm a dumb virgin. Is that weird?" and the person on the date with them is all, "WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT? DO YOU HAVE AIDS? YOU MUST HAVE AIDS!"

Here's a couple tips to all the dumb virgins out there: STOP BEING VIRGINS and STOP TELLING PEOPLE THAT YOU'RE A VIRGIN.

Keep it a secret! This is not something you wanna share with dates. Nothing bad can come of keeping this in the vault. TRUST ME.

If you're a dude and you keep your dumb virginity a secret, what's the worst that can happen? You get to finally have sex and don't know what to do? NEITHER DO NON-VIRGINS. It's not like in the past 18 years I've learned all sorts of astonishing sexual techniques, I still do the same drill and kill method that I did as a teenager just with a little more hair-pulling. What I have learned is how to get my wife to pretend she's a Serbian refugee and scream VERY naughty things in VERY compromising positions. But that talent is just innate.

A despicable human being.

Here's what happens when a dumb virgin chooses to tell whomever they're dating that they're actually a virgin:

Dumb Virgin:  I'm a virgin. 

Non-Virgin:  Yeah, right. So do you wanna watch Wipeout tonight? I saw a preview and this one guy gets blasted in the face and then ... 

Dumb Virgin:  No seriously, I've never had sex. 

Non-Virgin:  What?

Dumb Virgin:  I wanted to tell you, just because, well, you know. 

Non-Virgin:  Do you have AIDS?

Dumb Virgin:  No, I just ...

Non-Virgin:  I don't get it. You mean you've never been double-teamed by two black guys? 

Dumb Virgin:  No, I've never had sex. 

Non-Virgin:  You've never had anal sex? 

Dumb Virgin:  Any sex. 

Non-Virgin:  Oh God. 

Dumb Virgin:  Yeah. 

Non-Virgin:  That's gross. Really? 

Dumb Virgin:  Yeah. 

Non-Virgin:  Uggh, God, I'm like cringing.

Dumb Virgin:  You know, I was actually ...

Non-Virgin:  I can't believe I'm even in the same room as you. I'm out.

Is he wearing batting gloves?

If you're a chick and you MUST tell the dude that you're a virgin, just don't tell the dude until you're LITERALLY about to have sex. That way, the guy will still have sex with you because he's totally ready to have sex. If you're a dude and you MUST tell the chick, then you're THE DUMBEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

The more I think about the show and the fact that all the virgins were telling people that they were virgins, I think that maybe TLC put them up to it and made them divulge their dirty, disgusting secret. But if that's true, then the producers of TLC are sick, twisted individuals.

I won't tell you if the virgins were successful in not being virgins, but there was one scene where I literally had to crawl out of the living room because I couldn't handle watching what was going on. It was just absolutely incredible what the people of TLC put on my television screen.

Oh also, just for the record, last week on Real Housewives of Atlanta, a male stripper named Ridickulous sucked his own cock.


Tonight on RHOBH, Taylor has a level 9 meltdown. It looks outrageous. You should definitely watch that. Orrrrrrrrrrrrr, don't, and check out this tall drink of Virginia water. 


  1. I want to hire that married couple to come to my apartment and do nothing but make out.

  2. I can't believe I haven't watched this year. I don't even know myself right now.

  3. I had to crawl out of my living room when that lady licked her husband's lips.