Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 Year in Review - The Top 14 Shows and Some Other Stuff

Wookin' Pa Nub

It recently occurred to me that I have a blog about television, and should probably write about television from time to time.

Obviously, the "Top 14 Shows of the Year" list below will not include every friggin' TV show -- I'm only one man, and despite the fact that I wear a robe and haven't seen the sun for 8 straight days, I couldn't possibly watch all the stupid programs that people watch. So I have omitted shows like Breaking Bad and Luther even though those are probably good shows.

So take the list with a grain of salt even though I'm not really sure what that saying means or if I'm using it correctly.

Without Freddy Adu, here's the Top 14 shows of the year.

14. Moonshiners (Discovery)

Clearly this list has already lost all credibility. Moonshiners is not the 14th best show, I'm not even sure if it's a good show, but you don't come to TVMWW for credibility now, do ya? I got sucked into watching three straight hours of Moonshiners a few weeks ago (with my wife) and we were blown away. Not necessarily by the show, but by the fact that we were still awake at 1am on a weeknight.

I happen to be fascinated by small-town living, so any show about the people of Virginia, Slovenia, or Botswana is right up my alley. In fact, my mind is blown by any culture that lives without modern first world amenities like Yahtzee or cream cheese. The Moonshiners of Virginia are actually very smart (and I don't mean "streetsmart" like they know how to use a rabbit to keep their feet warm, I mean actual smarts, like they understand science). Moonshiners shows the world that making liquor can be VERY complicated and it is PERFECTLY FINE to wear overalls with nothing on underneath. I never did see the end of the series so I don't know if the overalled guy got away with his moonshining, but I did watch enough to meet a guy named Popcorn and another guy named Tickle who I'm pretty sure drank a good amount of his moonshining profits. How amazing would he be as the next Bach?

This guy's name is Popcorn. 


13. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

I gotta tell ya, I don't remember anything about this past season from Curb, but I know that Leon was in a few episodes, so that's good enough for me. 13th place!

12. Real Housewives of New Jersey, Beverly Hills and Atlanta (Bravo)

Bravo proved to us this year that if a guy beats his wife and then kills himself, that they will televise his wife having a complete and total mental breakdown. This is totally unacceptable, but still somewhat entertaining. They also showed us that black people are still cooler than white people (as if Moonshiners wasn't proof enough) and that Kathy's husband Rich (from RHONJ) is a certified gangsta who may or may not know his multiplication tables.

He doesn't even have shoelaces on!

11. The Bachelorette: Ashley (ABC) 

As far as Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons go, Ashley's was sort of a snoozefest, but that's still good enough for top 11 on this list. Because despite all of her annoying skipping and dancing and saying everything was "paeuurrrfayct, peurrfehct" the show did give us some unbelievable moments. Such azzzzz: Ashley crying at a comedy show, Constantine making salad (AT HIS VERY OWN PIZZA SHOP), and Ames getting CONCUSSED in a Muay Thai boxing match. Also, CONSTANTINE MADE SALAD!

10. NFL Redzone (NFL Redzone Channel)

This show is so bonkers that it has it's own channel. Think about that. And not only does it have it's own channel, but it's only on for 6 hours a week! The rest of the time, the channel is just a clock ticking down until 1pm on Sundee. Redzone Channel has redefined the way people watch football in this country. It also makes my wife's head explode.

Worth watching just for the haircuts. 


9. Premier League Review Show (Fox Soccer Channel)

Also redefining the way people watch football in this country, the Premier League Review Show just so happens to have the absolute worst time slot in the history of time slots, coming on immediately following 7 hours of American football watching. My wife hardly ever lets me watch it, except for rare occasions when I please her sexually. (Keyword there: "rare.")

8. Portlandia (IFC)

An absolutely brilliant show from Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein -- oh my God, how pretentious did that sentence sound?!?! The show really is great though, with Armisen and Brownstein (I keep saying "Brownstein" like I know who she is -- I clearly had to look her up on IMDB to find out her name) playing multiple characters in a sketch show that makes fun of people from the Pacific Northwest. If you've ever spent fifteen minutes in Oregon or Washington, you'll love this show, and if you haven't, you've probably eaten enough oatmeal to get the gist of it. Season 2 starts this Friday, January 6, at 10pm.

7. Martin (TV One - Yeah, that's a channel)

Whenever I see that Martin's on, I can't not watch. Last week I saw an ep where Martin had been burglarized and was now showing Gina how he was going to protect her if the burglar came back. He set up a burglar dummy and kept jumping on it and punching him. I think he bit the dummy too.




6. Wipeout (ABC)

My wife claims to not hate video games. I don't believe her -- she never says "yes" when I ask her to play -- but that didn't stop me from buying her the Wipeout video game for her birthday last week. I know what you're thinking, I know, I bought it for myself ... BUT I DIDN'T ... although I totally did buy her some gourmet pear jam that I plan on eating at some point.

Regardless, Wipeout is the modern day Wheel of Fortune, just a bunch of people getting together and having an absolutely great time. Which will probably be the exact opposite of what my New Years will be like tonight.

Haven't played it yet.

Game of Motherfruckin' Frones!

5. Game of Frones (HBO)

I've been holding off on writing about Game of Frones until the start of Season 2, but this show has it all: midgets, dragons, incest, swords, little shitheads who think they're better than other people (you know who I'm talking about), a crazy lady who still breastfeeds her son even though her son is like 12 (maybe she's just trying to stay thin?), guys who eat people's hearts, a pretty dope theme song (or at least a pretty cool map), wolves who eat people, some other shit, dungeons, beheadings, moonshine, British accents, swords again, swordplay, swordfish, lots of swordfish, fishsticks, Fishwicks, fishballs, clamballs, okay enough of this.

4. Open Court (NBA TV)

I really wanted to put this show #1, but I'm pretty sure that the only people who have seen it are my buddy Rev and this guy I work with who doesn't read this blog because reading is boring.

Essentially the show is just a roundtable discussion with NBA greats Charles Barkley, Shaq, C-Webb, Reggie Miller and Steve Smith (and also Kenny Smith and Steve Kerr). They tell amazing stories from their playing days, such as what is was like to be a rookie in a new town, the first time they met Dr. J, or Reggie admitting that Drazen Petrovic was the smelliest player he ever had to guard. Sometimes they talk hoops, sometimes they just make fun of Kenny, sometimes they fall over laughing on each other they way black people do and the way white people also do when they're with black people.

I wish my friends supported me.

3. Parks and Recreation (NBC)

So many great characters. Let's rank 'em:

1. Andy - he's gotten to that Bill Murray in What About Bob / Stephen Merchant / Scooby Doo level to where all I have to do is look at him and I laugh.
2. Jean-Ralphio
3. Tom Haverford
4. Leslie Knope - Snork Juice
5. April
6. Ron Swanson
7. The black lady (that's racist right? But how else do I describe her? The lady who's a bit heavy and also works there? I don't even know her name! And yeah, I could just look it up like I did for Carrie Brownstein, but sometimes it's fun to be a bit racist!)
8. Before I even rank #8, can we take a second to acknowledge that we've already listed SEVEN characters and they're all hilarious and we haven't even gotten to Ron Swanson?!?!
9. Rob Lowe
10. Jerry/Gary! Maybe my favorite part of the past season, when they found out that Jerry's name is Gary but are still calling him Jerry.
11. Ann Perkins - possibly the prettiest woman on TV? With apologies to Emily from the Bachelor and Vanna White. All right, I feel bad for the black lady, I just looked her up, her name is Donna.
12. Ben - and even though he's 12th, I STILL REALLY LIKE HIM.

2. Louie (FX)

Louie pretty much swept everybody's list this year for the best show on TV and for good reason. It's phenomenal. The show is definitely a comedy, but has so much depth, sadness and realness -- is that word? No squiggly red line under it so it must be a word!

The episode when Louie goes to Iraq was so moving and so sad and so sweet that just writing this sentence makes me wanna puke. Louis C.K. has total creative control over the show, doesn't really care about a storyline or a thread or an ending, and just writes and films and puts together whatever kind of show he wants. The show is unlike anything else on TV, especially Virgin Diaries.

This woman is now dating Jeremy Shockey and I'm not kidding.

1. The Bachelor: Brad (ABC)

Simple premise, incredible outcome: 20 terrifying women (some with mega-boobs) fighting over one man (who in some cases may be a half-man).

Look, the Bach is the best. You can try to deny it, say that it lacks depth, that it lacks moral fiber, that it lacks one redeemable quality ... and you'd be right, YOU'D BE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, but the show is absolutely incredible. It's part-drama, part-romance, part-comedy, lots-of-parts-comedy, part-fantasy, part-fantasy suites, and it never works ... IT NEVER WORKS ... every couple ends up in Dumpsville, Ohio, but it's an emotional roller coaster ride that makes you want to barf at every turn.

Brad's season brought us a lady who banged Carlos Boozer, an angelic widow, AND TWO LADIES WHOSE NAMES WERE SHAWNTEL AND CHANTAL. You can't make that up folks. YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT UP. If the producers of a new show were sitting around a board room in Hollywood and one guy was like, "Yo, what if we had a show starring a chick who used to date Elton Brand, a southern goddess and two ladies named Guargo and Guarbo?" It wouldn't work!

The new season starts on Monday night (YEAH, THIS MONDAY NIGHT) and I've had diarrhea for the past three days in anticipashe.


Some Other Stuff

Shows That I Like That Just Didn't Make the Cut Because Quite Frankly This Blogging Takes a Long Long Time: 30 Rock, An Idiot Abroad, House Hunters Internash, 24/7 Flyers vs. Rangers, CBS Sunday Morning, Eastbound and Down 

Show That I Just Realized Absolutely Belongs in the Top 14 But Didn't Make it Due to Poor Planning on my Part: Eastbound and Down

Shows That People Seem to Like But I Haven't Seen Because Goddammit I'm Only One Man: Luther, Boardwalk Empire, Children's Hospital, It's Always Sunny (I've actually seen two eps of this show and think it's great, but just haven't really dived into it), Homeland, Friday Night Lights, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey

Best Show That Was Only One Show But Will Probably Be a Show Again: Virgin Diaries - this show was so horribly uncomfortable and retarded that it was secretly amazing.

Oh God that was the weirdest hour of my life.


Best Awards Show: the Grammy's - Rhianna's twat-thrusts were so powerful.

Shows That Aren't That Good, C'mon People Let's Be Real: Modern Family, True Blood, The Killing 

Show That I Honestly Can't Believe One Lousy Dollar Was Put Into To Make It Even Though I Never Saw It: Franklin and Bash

Show That I May or May Not Secretly Like: Toddlers and Tiaras - HOW BOUT THAT MACKENZIE?!?!? IS SHE SOMETHING.COM OR WHAT?!?!?

Guy Who Used to be Absolutely Intolerable Who I Now Sorta Like: Scott Disick

Worst Person Ever: Tie between Ashley from RHONJ and Taylor from RHOBH

Woman Who Watches Only Shows With One Word in the Title Like, Fringe and Bones and Revenge and Castle and Sconeballs: My buddy Law's mom, Janet Law

TVMWW's Commenter of the Year: Thad aka Philly Phoodie - possibly my best friend in this world even though I've only met him once.

TVMWW's Reader of the Year: Rachel Co - no human being has promoted the blorg to her friends through social media like Rachel Co.

Yes!

Shows that I'm Ridiculously Excited For in 2012 


The Bachelor (ABC) - STARTS THIS MONDAY NIGHT!!


Life's Too Short (HBO) - the new jawn from Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, the creators of The Office (UK) and Extras


Game of Frones (HBO) - no idea when it starts 


Angry Boys (HBO) - the new show from the guy from Summer Heights High, which was FANTASTIC. It starts this Sunday night!

Mad Men (AMC) - no idea when it's coming back. IT'S BEEN LIKE THREE YEARS!


Arrested Development (Fox) - HOLY TIT!


Eastbound and Down (HBO) - starts in February


Sportscenter (ESPN) - Did you see that guy score a flip touchdown last week?!?!


7 comments:

  1. OH shit you just reminded me that arrested development is due this year, that is fantastic news my friend. but more urgently, i will be watching every second of the bach right there with you. tomorrow night. oh yes.

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  2. Bach preview potentially coming tomorrow! ... unless I decide to make pancakes tomorrow morning instead ... right now it's 50/50!

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  3. Joanna, you on Twitter? ... Do I follow you on Twitter? ... I like your blorg! ... Let's be blorg friends! ... Also, can I borrow 5 bucks? ... I just realized I follow you on Twitter! ... I know you! ... Nova Scoshe reprezent-zent!

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  4. until i have cable again, or at least until mad men comes back in 2018, i'm just going to enjoy your photo captions. always worth it.

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  5. I find that both insulting and understandable!

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  6. YES!! I won Reader of the Year! I was away when this was posted and I'm only now getting caught up on all the posts I missed. (BTW, classic Reader of the Year move, right? I actually went back to read the ones I missed.) Thank you, thank you. So honored.

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    1. Not a bad acceptance speech. Nice use of all caps. A couple exclamation points. Perfect grammar. Some parenthetical phrases. Thanked the Academy. Truly worthy of the ROY award.

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